"For fuck's sake! You each have your own apartment! Why the hell am I finding you screwing each other in our guild hall for the third fucking time this week?!"

"We weren't screwing," Lucy said in defense, hopping off the irate guild master's desk. She hid behind her boyfriend, who was hurrying to pull up and belt his pants, to preserve her modesty while pulling her shirt back on.

"Yet! I know exactly where this would have gone if I hadn't interrupted, Blondie."

"For the millionth time, it's Lucy! I know you know my name, Sting, so use it! And, if you hadn't noticed, you're blond too!"

Sting ignored her and turned to her boyfriend instead, as he was typically the more reasonable one of the two. "Rogue, really, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"You don't understand, Sting. She is insatiable. It was all I could do to get us behind a closed door."

"What! That isn't true!"

"So, did I just imagine you literally jumping me the moment I came out of the kitchen? You were pulling down my pants in the hallway!"

"Maybe if you didn't have your fingers in my underwear at the time, I might have noticed we were still in the hall!"

"What do you expect me to do after you said—"

"HOLY SHIT, STOP TALKING." Sting pinched the bridge of his nose. "I have learned way, way more about your guys' sex life than I ever needed to know."

They both opened their mouths, undoubtedly to further explain how it was the other's fault, when Sting cut them off again. "I do not care who starts it. I'm the master of this guild and I want to be able to walk into my office, the training space, the fucking kitchen, or anywhere else in the guild hall without getting every damn sense I have absolutely overwhelmed by your kinky sex! Now get the hell over to Rogue's apartment and keep your pants on the whole way!"

"Well, we would have gone to his apartment if somebody didn't constantly pop in on us," Lucy muttered as she made to file past him out of the office.

"How am I supposed to know what you're doing?! You need a sign or something."

"The locked damn door is the sign, you idiot," growled Rogue.

"Fair enough. But, really, my office?"

Lucy turned back just after the two had entered the hall. "We figured it was the last place where you would be," she said, smirking.

"Yeah, yeah!" Sting called after the two as they rushed off. "Life is great now when everything's sex and giggles! But you just wait until I have my revenge!"

Sting pounded up the steps and wrenched the doorknob. Locked.

"Dammit!" he hissed, pulling a ring of keys out of his pocket. "I don't have time for this!"

After finding the correct one and unlocking the door, he thrust it open and tore into the short hall. Navigating his way through the familiar space, he came across a closed door. The sound of running water issued from it, signaling that the room was occupied, but that didn't deter the white dragon slayer.

"Sorry about this, buddy!" he yelped as he threw the door open and hastily pulled his pants down. "I seriously can't wait until I get to the guild hall!"

"What the fuck? Sting?" A very angry Rogue popped his head out of the shower to glare at his friend. "What the hell are you doing in my apartment, on my toilet, while I'm in the shower?!"

"I told you, I can't hold it! It was all the spicy food from last night!"

"Ew!" shrieked a very feminine voice that almost certainly didn't come from Sting's fellow dragon slayer. Rogue's girlfriend's head popped out of the shower next to his, as if she had to see him to believe it. "Sting!" she cried, before swiftly retreating back into the shower. "That is disgusting! Get out!"

"If you didn't have such a pampered anus, you would be more understanding!" Sting called back.

"What is that supposed to mean?" came Rogue's voice, obviously disturbed.

"I'm giving you to the count of three!" Lucy yelled. "One!"

"Are you sure you don't want me to just kick his ass now?"

"No, it's more fun this way."

"Blondie!" Sting moaned.

"Two!"

"Just let me finish!" he pleaded.

"You are absolutely the worst person ever," grumbled Rogue.

"Three! Ok, where is my fleuve d'etoiles?"

"I'm done, I'm done!" Sting yelled, hurrying to pull up his pants. He had no idea what fleuve d'etoiles was, and he was sure he didn't want to find out.

Before he could make it out the door, a glowing blue—whip?!—was launched at Sting, smarting his hand.

"Ouch! Damn, Blondie! Why do you have that in the shower?!"

"No reason," came Lucy's sweet voice as she poked her head out of the shower curtain once more to give him a saccharine smile.

"Ugh! What is wrong with you two?!" Sting yelled as he ran out, slamming the door behind him. He made sure to lock the front door back up as he left. No one deserved to undergo the same disturbance that he had that morning.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you."

Rufus looked back at Sting. "And why ever not? I just need to swap out a book."

Deciding that there was no reason to suggest that the guild library was inhospitable at the moment, Rufus opened the door before Sting could say another word. Rufus's surprised yelp was joined by a scream and a thud from the inside of the room. He promptly slammed the door closed.

"I told you," Sting said lazily, taking a bite of the sandwich in front of him.

"If you knew, then why did you allow it to continue instead of kicking them out?!"

Sting shrugged. "I'm too tired to have a shouting match with Blondie right now. And, frankly, they aren't bothering me."

"How can you eat, knowing that…that is happening right over there?"

Another shrug. "You get used to it after a while."

Hollow-faced, Rufus sank into the seat opposite Sting and lowered his head onto the table. "I cannot believe that is stuck in my memory now," came his muffled voice.

"Hey, Minerva, do you have any more of this?" asked Sting after he cleared his plate. "It was delicious!"

"Yes, of course." She grinned and picked up his plate. "I'll be right back."

Sting watched her disappear down the short hall leading to the kitchen. He was thinking about how much he liked Minerva's company since her return after the Tartaros incident. Like him and the others, her experiences with the Fairy Tail members had changed her for the better. It was certainly nice that she wasn't throwing knives at her guildmates every day anymore.

A piercing scream drove Sting out of his thoughts. He jumped the table he'd been sitting at and tore off down the hall.

"Minerva?!" he called, concerned about the volume of her scream. It was very rare that she hurt herself in the kitchen, given her expertise, and even then, she was not one to be vocal about it.

He skidded to a halt outside of the kitchen and gaped at the scene inside.

Minerva appeared to be fine (physically), while the other two inhabitants appeared to be in grave peril.

An incessant slew of apologies was issuing from Blondie's mouth, while she struggled to cover her bare torso with a hand towel (which was definitely not big enough to give her sufficient coverage, Sting noticed) and seemed to be searching for something (likely clothes).

Rogue, also bare-chested, was cowering in fear under the weight of Minerva's wrath. The fool was attempting to reason with her, it seemed, but she drowned out his pleadings with her yelling.

"—my domain! No, no! I will not calm the fuck down!" she screeched. "How dare you! How dare you! You will die for this!"

"Well, we've had a good run," came Lucy's voice from the floor. Now fully dressed, she was crawling toward the exit (Minerva didn't seem to care that one of her would-be victims was escaping). "If you somehow make it out of this alive, Rogue, come find me."

"You're leaving me?"

"That's right! Love you!" Lucy squeezed out the door by Sting's legs and popped up behind him. Apparently, she was alright with staying in the vicinity if she had an expendable shield.

A kitchen knife flying past his head and lodging into the cabinets behind him brought the shadow dragon slayer's attention back on the incensed woman standing in front of him. (When had she picked that up? Sting had made sure to check her hands first thing when he arrived because of things like this).

Sting would have made a comment about how his friend looked like he'd pissed his pants if he were not so terrified himself. As much as he wanted to run away and leave his friend to whatever fate may befall him, it was probably time for Sting to intervene.

"Minerva…?" Sting ventured, cautiously taking a step forward and keeping her hands in his sights all the while.

"And you!" she cried, whirling and pointing a finger at Sting. "You're the guild master, aren't you? Well then fucking do something about this! Because I am sick and tired of walking in on it!"

"Trust me, I've tried! They don't listen!"

Minerva huffed, apparently out of breath from her tirade. "I hate those deviants," she ground out.

"It's alright," Sting replied, noticing the signs that she was calming down. "Everybody does." He approached her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

As Minerva sobbed openly in his chest, blubbering incomprehensible complaints about the state of her kitchen, Sting looked around and noticed that the two miscreants had managed to scamper off while he had her distracted. They owed him for this.

"Hey, where's Yukino?" Sting looked around, holding two drinks in hand. He didn't spy her silver head among any of the others around the pool.

"I think she just went back inside to look for Rogue," said Olga. "Apparently he told her he wanted to get some work done before the party and she thought she'd make sure he took a break."

Sting sighed. "Of course, the tight-ass is still working. I told him that today was going to be all about relaxing and having fun with the guild, but he just can never give it a rest!"

"I'm sure he'll come back with her soon," assured Rufus.

"Well, maybe I'll check on her," said Sting. "Knowing Rogue, he locked himself in so that he wouldn't be disturbed."

Sting abandoned the drinks on a small table and then went back inside the guild hall. He headed toward his office, considering that was typically where Rogue worked. Hell, he tended to spend more time in there than Sting. But that was just because he was better with the document stuff.

"Oh, Sting!"

"Hey, Yukino. You find Rogue?"

"No. He mentioned something about looking for a book earlier, so I checked the library, but he isn't there."

"He's probably in my office then," said Sting. "C'mon."

The two reached the office and, upon trying to open it, Sting found the door locked as expected. So, he was right in thinking that Rogue was purposefully avoiding the party to work. Fortunately, he was prepared and pulled his key out of the pocket in his trunks. He quickly unlocked the door and then froze when he opened it to an unexpected scene. Yukino let out a little eeep! and slapped her hands over her eyes.

Papers, pens, and other items were scattered on the floor. Lucy was in a bikini and lying partially on top of Rogue's desk (in that moment Sting was infinitely grateful they had finally added a second desk to the office for his partner). Her legs were draped over Rogue's shoulders and her arms were extended above her head, held to the desk by what Sting recognized to be his partner's shadow. The shadow dragon slayer himself, also clad only in his swim trunks, stood at the end of the desk opposite the doorway. His hands were around Lucy's thighs and his head was bent forward, his teeth around one of the strings keeping her bikini bottoms in place.

As soon as the door opened, Sting saw Rogue's eyes flicker from Lucy to him and Yukino and then widen. He dropped the bikini strings from his mouth. "Shit."

"What? What's wrong?" Lucy rolled her head to follow his gaze, which didn't help given that she was sporting a blindfold.

Yukino broke the brief period of awkward silence. "L—Lucy," she stammered. "Uh, glad you could make it!"

"Yukino?!" the blonde girl asked. "Uh…yeah… Thanks for the invite…"

Once Sting was over his initially shock, he simply shook his head. Literally nothing they did could faze him anymore. "Tch. Just come out to the pool when you're done here," he said before shutting and locking the door again.

An awkward silence hung in the air as he and Yukino headed back out to the pool.

"Maybe we should have knocked," Yukino mumbled, looking at the ground. She still wore a light blush from the uncomfortable encounter.

"Yeah." Sting sighed. "I should know better by now."

"What do you mean?" Before he could respond, Yukino shot her head up and looked at him, her eyes wide. "Do you mean that this has happened before?"

"Yeah. Unfortunately. You don't know the half of it and, trust me, you want it to stay that way."

"Oh my…"

"So, did you guys find him?" Olga asked once the two returned to the pool.

"Yep."

"Well, is he coming? He can't work himself too hard," said Olga.

At this, Sting burst into laughter, unable to help himself.

Yukino's face reddened as she glanced at him. "W—well…"

"Rogue is a bit…busy at the moment," Sting explained when Yukino couldn't seem to continue.

"Really?" asked Olga. "You guys couldn't convince him to take a break to relax?"

"Oh, I think he's going to be plenty relaxed…" Sting snickered.

Rufus looked up in disgust, apparently realizing something. "Ugh, again?"

A/N: A fun piece for my favorite Fairy Tail crackship. Hope you enjoyed.

Also, I'm aware Sting's Dragon Senses would alert him to what is going on/who is there before he 'happens' upon stuff but this was amusing and I couldn't figure out how to make it work otherwise. So...just try to ignore that plothole.