A/N: Here is my very first Invader Zim fanfic! mind you, it's also an Invader Zim AU! I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

Proper Care
Chapter One: Monday

It was a regular day at Hi Skool, a Monday in late September to be more precise. And it was also noontime, the sun at its highest point in the usually dreary sky. A certain green, still tiny alien amongst his peers was walking to home room, wearing deep blue eye contacts and his classic wig. Today was also a special day, since it was exactly five years since the Tallests had revealed that they lied to Zim about his mission. And the alien didn't know why but after all the anger and depression, he felt freer than he'd ever been. Of course, some of it still remained, but still...

However, with this freedom came a price, as Ms. Bitters had loved to ram in their heads.

But that was a story for another day.

Zim scratched at his wig, finding it no less uncomfortable than it was when he'd first had it donned, his pinkish zipper teeth gritted together. "Stupid disguise. I don't even know why I bother anymore," he mumbled, even with people who could listen in around him.

He then rubbed at his lenses, almost growling. A shadow then loomed over him, a scythe-like cowlick forming at the tip. "What's the matter, Zim?"

"Go away, Dib-filth."

Ah, Dib. Even after five years the now gangly teenager still felt the need to tease and prod. How the alien hated him.

"You know, we're in the same home room, so no, I don't think I will," was his smirking reply.

What a smartypants, the Irken growled to himself as he kept walking, an antenna wanting to prick upwards but restrained by the wig. But it was true. They were indeed in the same home room.

And the class after that. And the class after that. But afterwards Zim was free from the worm baby. And he was lucky that he shared no classes with the demon child who was Dib's sister, Gaz. It was nice to think about.

"You're usually full of words. Call me all kinds of names, why dontcha?" Dib's voice cut through his thoughts, reminding Zim that the boy was still following him.

"Not in the mood, Dib," Zim said through his teeth, tugging at his usual military shirt. Before Dib could say anything else, they'd reached the classroom and took their seats.

The teacher's back was to them as they sat in the relatively large chair, facing the board. Zim and Dib exchanged glances, and the murmurs started up as they had a few more minutes to spare.

Unfortunately, the teacher didn't allow them said minutes, and turned around in the chair, revealing…

Ms. Bitters?!

There was an uproar from the entire class, but Zim and Dib knew better to stay quiet. It was indeed the same teacher from their elementary skool, with the white hair tied in a bun and her entire form, save her face, shrouded within darkness.

"Be quiet!" she commanded, and the class followed up shortly, a deadly silence falling over them. "Now.. I'm your substitute for today. Don't know why they so called for me but I'd rather not know."

Gears were turning in the alien's head as the teacher kept talking. He thought she retired. What was she doing here? other than the fact that "they", whoever they were, called her back from what seemed to be retirement. If this human ever retired, that is. If she ever even was human.

"...I'm only here to impart an assignment. It should be simple enough for you putrid smells," a bug snaked across her stern face as she held her nose. "You smell fouler as teens and that only means you're closer to your doom. Thank goodness."

Zim perked up at the word "assignment", his eyes widening. Dib was the same. They hardly ever did have homework in home rooms, as odd as that was. But today seemed more special than Zim thought.

"If you'll look in your desks, you may find a toy baby inside," Ms. Bitters seemed to cringe at this. "For a week, you are to take good care of it."

There was a collective groan coming from everyone but Zim, who seemed intrigued as he held the toy within his gloved, three-fingered claws. He turned it over and side to side, blinking.

Dib couldn't find one, and he looked over at Zim, gasping at the fact that the Irken, a dangerous alien, had one in his grasp. He winced when Zim almost dropped it, and little yelps echoed from his mouth as he fumbled with it.

"Some of you will not have one," the teacher continued with her drone voice, hands folded upon the desk, "and that's because you will be randomly placed in pairs. Gender is no object here."

That's when Dib began sweating bullets, much to Zim's confusion. For once, he didn't want to be paired with Zim. He had plans this week and didn't want some threatening plot to change that.

As the names dwindled down and the teacher called out pairs, the more Dib realized it was inevitable.

"Dib and Zim, you're the final pair," and they were indeed paired together, not that the teacher cared. The Irken exile blinked, feeling his heart drop to his squeedlyspooch. Of course it would be his luck to be paired with a bully. Even if he only picked on Zim.

He raised his hand, and Ms. Bitters called on him, narrowing her eyes behind her glasses, "Yes, Zim?"

"There has to be some kind of mistake. You can't pair the almighty Zim with the likes of him," and it was out, with the alien clamming his hands over his mouth with eyes wide once more. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

Surprisingly, Ms. Bitters made no movement and she simply sighed, "All pairs are final, Zim."

The human slammed his head onto the desk with the intention of breaking his huge skull wide open, but to no avail. It just gave him a headache.

Chuckles were heard from the rest of the class, before Ms. Bitters craned her neck at them, and they stopped just as quickly as they started.

"If the baby dies or the meter on its back drops below zero, which is also death," Ms. Bitters paused for dramatic effect, "you will be doooooomed for the course."

"But there are no grades for this course!" Dib shouted, hand raised.

"There is now. Now go," she pointed towards the door and turned her back towards the students.

Zim was the first one to get up, sweating from the pores on his face. He stuffed the toy baby into his PAK, biting his lip. A grade? for home room? what was this, penitentiary? he had no idea how to take care of a child, much less a baby. It just wasn't required in Irken training. That and Irkens didn't have family units. What was he to do?

Regardless of all his nervosity, within the four minutes he made it to his next class with no troubles. Social Studies. It would be empty for the next couple minutes.

Dib panted as he caught up to him, pushing up his glasses, and looked down at the alien, frowning.

"I don't have to listen to you, you know," Zim narrowed those deep blue ovals, his back still to him. It wasn't particularly a smart move, for any human, but he could sense everything beyond his peripheral vision. Truly something superior, yet his Tallests tossed him aside. He'd never understand why.

"Look, like it or not, we're in this together, space boy," the boy countered, which led to Zim groaning, finally turning to face the teen. "So we need to work together! no more running off."

"Zim knows! he just doesn't want to be bothered right now, especially by you, Dib-stink," he pointed at the human dramatically.

"Where's the baby?" he sighed, completely ignoring what the alien said. Zim grunted, mentally instructing the PAK to give him the toy, and out it came, within a claw. Dib gasped, "You don't put it where it can suffocate!"

"There's plenty of space within my PAK, Dib," Zim replied blankly, not seeing the problem. After all, it was just a toy. It couldn't breathe at all. He took the toy baby and examined it again, when it started crying.

He almost dropped it again, fumbling with it. Yet, if he knew it was just a toy, why did he not want to drop it? was it because he would consider it a crushing indignity?

Dib facepalmed, grimacing once more, and that's when classmates started filing in, one by one, sometimes two. "That's not the point. Why don't you let me take care of it for the week?"

He didn't know how to care for babies either, but it was better than leaving it in the hands of Zim.

"ZIM NEEDS NO HELP!" he yelled over the cries, and several students at this point looked up at him and the crying baby, but said nothing. Zim patted the baby, in the wrong spot but nonetheless shushing it, but that would only be one time. He didn't know that though. He smirked smugly at Dib, who looked flabbergasted as he walked to his seat. Zim followed suit, just as the teacher came in…

It had been rare that Zim traversed into the deeper bowels of his house since the Tallests admitted the truth, but today was a special case. Right after skool, he'd rushed home, completely ignoring his robot friend, Gir, who was spouting nonsense about waffles and scary monkey shows that the alien couldn't care less about.

"Computer," he ordered, holding the bundle in his arms, "how do you care for human babies?"

"Processing…" it took what seemed like forever, but… "error! cannot compute!"

"Guh, what good are you?!" Zim frowned, a snarl upon his lips. He almost crushed the baby, but loosened his grip at almost the last minute.

"The Irken Empire has no use for human babies," came the sardonic but still monotone reply, and Zim sighed. So this was the taste of defeat.

"Guess I'll need to take a trip to the library then," he headed up the elevator, coming up through the toilet. He jumped down from it. "Gir!"

"Yes, sir!" the unit called, immediately in duty mode with a hand to his head.

"Watch the house while I'm gone," he strode on over to the door, and opened it. He looked back to see Gir nod and thus headed out.

Fortunately, there were no rain clouds in the sky, and it wasn't to rain until some time next week. Not that he wasn't prepared should it happen. He had paste, after all, and had bathed himself in it every day.

It was overall a beautiful day, despite the autumn season threatening to make it cooler as each day passed. Zim watched with wonder as the trees slowly, very slowly, released their leaves, which in turn fluttered to the ground.

And to think he'd wanted to destroy this place. Surely the nature was worth sparing…

Before the thinking could get dark though, he crashed right into someone. And that someone crashed into him. He saw a black trench coat as he fell, and that clued him into only one person.

Dib.

"Oh, hey, just the person I was looking for. You know we're paired up, right?" no apology or anything, but Zim could sense it on his tone and the way he held his hand out for the alien.

He batted the hand away as he picked himself up and brushed himself off with the now laughing toy baby tucked within the crook of his arm. Zim then took the baby and coddled it again, narrowing his eyes as he glanced down at the nearly leaf-covered ground, "Yes."

Dib sighed, stuffing his hands into his pockets, "Look, I'm trying to be civil here -"

"Can't you be civil elsewhere? the almighty Zim has somewhere to be!"

"Would that somewhere be the library?" Dib replied, tilting his head. He kept an eye on the baby the whole time. Making sure it wasn't damaged in any way - say, through an examination. It wasn't, much to his surprise.

Caught off guard, Zim sputtered, eyes wide. He wheeled backwards, almost dropping the baby again, and the human hurriedly took it from his startled claws. "H..how did you know?"

"I know that computer wouldn't have what you're looking for, being alien tech and all," Dib smiled smugly, proud to have the rug tugged out from beneath Zim, as he rubbed at the toy baby's hair.

Zim said nothing for a while, narrowing those blue eyes into slits, farther and farther until they were almost closed. "I suppose I will require your assistance, Dib-human."

"But of course, space idiot," the human laughed. It was a nasty laugh, to the alien of course. Until Zim bumped into him again to keep walking, this time succeeding in knocking him over like a door. Thank goodness he wasn't holding the baby any other way. Sometimes the little green alien's strength surprised him.

"Now, are we going to just stand here or are we going to get stuff done?" Zim walked onwards, allowing full sway of his arms since Dib had the baby now.

Getting up with a slight smile upon his face, the teenager stood onto his feet and followed.

Sitting at a computer, Zim had to get used to not talking to it so loudly as he was shushed several times by the others. After a few minutes of this, Dib chuckled, finally informing him, "It's not that kind of computer, Zim."

"Shut your hole, worm child," but he nonetheless complied and stopped trying to speak to the PC. He wasn't embarrassed. Why would he be? if anything, everyone else should be embarrassed for they tried to shush the almighty Zim!

Dib's soft chuckles continued, as he typed in the search engine the same question Zim had asked, "How to care for a baby."

Within minutes, there were answers, but the first one suited their needs just fine. Printing it out, they read over it, Zim asking questions and Dib answering them.

"I doubt we'll need real anything, for this, Dib-filth."

"You're right."

"Of course I'm right, I'm - geh?" Zim was once again caught off guard. His right antenna would have pricked upwards with confusion had his wig not been hiding it.

"This is only a toy, after all," Dib couldn't help laughing, as he raised the baby up by the fingers, and he was then shushed by the librarian. He tried to reign in his laughter the best he could, but ended up being kicked out, but not banned.

Literally kicked out, as his face was kissing asphalt. It all happened so fast, only the ones watching knew what happened.

Collecting the paper and putting it into his PAK, Zim walked out of the library, stared at Dib in silence, and then out and out laughed, gripping his spooch with both arms as he keeled over, kneeling on the stairs.

The human lifted his head, adjusting his ridiculously strong glasses, and then shook his head. He gasped as soon as he realized what happened and checked on the toy.

Luckily, it wasn't hurt. Or so they thought...

Whew, that was close… but Zim was still laughing, safe outside the boundaries of the book home.

Wiping tears from his eyes, the short alien giggled, "That's a good one!"

"Yeah, very funny," sarcasm dripped from his tone. But, as he got up and dusted himself off with one hand, he couldn't bring himself to be mad.

"So, whose house should we visit?" Zim walked beside Dib, glancing up at the gangly young man. And then he grimaced. "I hope it's not yours."

"This isn't about Gaz, is it?" the human boy snickered.

"No! pitiful human!" and then Zim proceeded to stumble over his words, "why would Gaz-human be part of the equation?" he stumbled again, and sighed, looking down at the ground, "yes."

"I wouldn't worry about her. She's off at a gaming tournament that lasts all week," he hiked up the baby in his arms, pushing up his glasses.

"Oh," was Zim's only response. That explained why she wasn't at skool. She was spared this horrid project. Even Zim wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy. Maybe the old Zim would, but those days were over now.

Gaz and her Game Slave were made for each other, after all. Zim didn't, couldn't, see any time for her to care for a toy, much less a toy baby.

The two eventually reached the Membrane's house, and Zim stared up at it, as if expecting it to do something, while Dib walked on along the pavement, looking back at the alien. He sighed, "Unlike your house, mine isn't rigged with a security system that attacks everything in sight."

"Oh, I knew that!" Zim chuckled halfheartedly, waving an arm. Even though he should've turned it off ages ago, his rather appropriate paranoia left it on. Who knew the dangers that possibly lurked behind every corner just waiting to enter?

He joined Dib on the porch, watching the boy fiddle with his keys, the toy baby tucked in the crook of his arm. Zim tugged it out almost carefully and coddled it against his chest.

Eventually, he found the right key and unlocked the door, opening it and gesturing for Zim to go in first. The Irken narrowed his eyes, shaking his head. "You want me to go in first? no, thank you, Dib-filth."

"I haven't set up anything," Dib told him, exasperated, with his brow drawn down. "For once.."

"He lies! you lie!" punctuating the last sentence, Zim stood on the tips of his toes and jabbed Dib's chest repeatedly.

"Fine, space dweeb!" the boy frowned, shoving off Zim's finger. "I'll go in first." And so the boy, determined to show Zim he was telling the truth, stomped in, and raised his hands as he stood within the house, and for good measure, he walked along the room too.

Nothing happened.

Zim seemed utterly confused, briefly rubbing at his lenses. When the sight was still the same, his mouth curled into an "o" shape.

"See, Zim?" Dib turned around, the creases in his brow fading slightly, "I'm not lying. Now come on in."

The alien paused for a brief moment, before he entered the home, and then closed the door. He looked around. They did some redecorating, but not much to consider it totally different. Just a few changes here and there. A few changes Zim couldn't be bothered to report.

He then looked to Dib, frowning, a question on his tongue. He was crisp for the taking, for some name-calling, even for a bucket of water to fall upon his head. So why wasn't Dib doing that?

"Like I said, we're in this together," the human replied to the unsaid question, wringing his hands. "So you can call it a truce."

"I suppose that's what it is…" Zim quietly replied, handing Dib the baby before he reached into his PAK and got out the guide. "So, what should we do? the baby is not crying so I assume its needs are met."

Dib turned the baby over and regarded the meter on its back. Half. That was good. He was afraid it'd be less than zero. "Well, we have half on the meter. I guess it needs something."

"Wait, half?!" he paled when he saw Dib nod, and snatched the toy off his hands. That's when the baby started crying again, "Gah!" followed by him nearly dropping it again. It stopped soon afterwards.

"Maybe it's hurt," the wannabe paranormal hunter suggested. "Check for any bruising."

"Purplish blue marks, right?" Zim walked over to sit on the couch, checking the baby over.

"Mhm.." Dib just stayed standing, bending over to pick up the paper. Soon, the alien found a mark on the baby's forehead and a mark on its arm. The same one he snatched. He grimaced at how real they looked.

"The almighty Zim found two!" he shouted, "and they do not look pretty."

Dib bit back a remark, running and grabbing some gauze from the cabinet in the kitchen. Meanwhile, Zim tried his best to comfort the toy, feeling stupid all the while. For some reason, a simple pat wasn't working this time. The moment Dib came back and offered his hand, Zim gently shoved the baby into it, only for the boy to shake his head at his actions.

The young man sat down beside Zim, and began wrapping the bruises with the gauze. Years of treating his own bruises taught him everything he needed to know.

The Irken simply watched, scratching at his wig again. It was weird taking care of something instead of destroying it. Even though his partner in skool, Dib, was doing most of the work. Hell, he'd almost resolved to doing this himself. He was glad he didn't.

"Why don't you take your wig off? you're safe here," to which Zim replied with a look out the window and at cameras everywhere.

"So you can capture my beautiful alieness on film!? pah! you can forget it, Dib-filth!" he crossed his arms, turning up his unseen nose. And then with a finger, he pointed to the window. Where everyone could see into their house.

Dib simply rolled his eyes and turned the baby on its stomach to look at the meter. It was now inches away from being full. He smiled. Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad.

A/N: I had a dilemma going on. Whether I should continue this or leave it as a oneshot. But I decided that there's so much to do with this story, so I'll be continuing this sporadically. So, yeah. I hope you enjoyed and I hope everyone was in character, somewhat. This is an AU after all, and I have yet to finish watching Invader Zim myself. :3

So, please leave a review, and I'll see you whenever!