There is something about almost losing everything that changes you completely. There's something about almost losing the things that remind you that you're still living and breathing, that snatches even the faintest of breaths from your lungs.

I have never had anything to live for. I have never felt truly alive. I am aware that I'm existing, but I've never felt real. I have never had anything worth holding onto, anything that made me want to keep breathing. So, when I met him, and my breath was stolen from my very being, I knew that for the first time in forever, I had something to be alive for.

Mahala Dinan. The name of an obsolete, insignificant, and hopeless creature. An absolute loser. Me. From the very moment I was born, I was destined to be weak and at the mercy of other's strengths. I was never meant to be loved, or nurtured, or made to feel important or significant at any time or any place.

My name, Mahala, comes from an ancient language called Hebrew, which my parents studied as students. It means to be weak and sick. I am not the son that they desired, and I am not the savior that they had imagined. I'm just the daughter that they never wanted. So, they took one look at me and saw failure. Before I even let out my first cry, before they could even look into my eyes and see my soul, they'd already decided that I'd never be enough.

They weren't necessarily wrong though. I am weak, and I am not successful at anything. I'm a thin, five-foot disappointment that has zero brawn, zero brains, and zero beauty. I cannot help them with the farm, I can't receive an extensive education to break free from their house, and I can't even be married off to a young bachelor, because I just don't have the face for it.

Everything about me makes me a target for unwanted attention and bullying. My family and I are the only black people within Wall Rose. Most people are white, I have witnessed a couple of Asians, but we are the only blacks. Because my skin is the color of umber, my big eyes are the color of coal, and because my black, frizzy hair is not what most are accustomed to, my appearance garners me stares everywhere I go. I wish that for once, people would look at me because they think I am so beautiful, but I know it's just because I'm different, and they've never seen anything like me before.

After wall Maria was attacked five years ago, we got a lot of refugees that flooded into Wall Rose. I thought that maybe with all these new people, and all these new faces, attention may have been taken off me. That maybe for once, nobody would notice how different I am, but it only proved that there is no one like me out there and that I really am alone.

I could drown in my thoughts. I could sit here and just think, think, think if anybody ever allowed me to. Of course, they never do.

"Get up now." My mother bit out at me sharply. I flinch hard. You would think after seventeen years I would be used to the hatred in her voice, in her stare, in her entire existence, but one never gets used to being mistreated. One never gets used to not being loved by the one person who is supposed to love them unconditionally.

"What's the problem?" I squeak out.

"You do absolutely nothing around this house. You offer nothing. Why are you still here? All you do is sit around and stare off into space all day. Wasting time and wasting precious air. You're such a waste of life." she barked out at me. I know that she doesn't want me here. I don't want to be here, but I have nowhere to go.

"I don't know what you want me to do. I don't know where you want me to go. Where would you have me go, mother?" I asked. My voice was desperate and quiet. I could feel that something bad was coming.

"You can't stay here, taking up all my valuable time and money. You're not smart, you're not pretty, and you're not even skilled enough to farm. That leaves you with two options. You can both leave my house and join the garrison, or you can leave my house and just be homeless. Your pick." She said bluntly.

My heart beat like a drum in my chest. I felt fear swell in my heart until it felt like it would explode. She's kicking me out. I could either try to make it on the streets or go train to protect humanity.

"Mother, you know that I wouldn't survive even a minute on the streets. A life of thuggery, thievery, and begging is not an existence even I am destined for. You also know I wouldn't survive a minute in the military. They're tasked with protecting everyone against the dangers of the world. You really want to leave the fate of humanity in my hands?" I spewed out quickly.

"Calm down, over-dramatic idiot. All the garrison do is patrol around the markets and get drunk. They risk absolutely nothing and protect even less. It's a job with so little requirements even you can do it. Do not make a mockery of my intelligence with fake concerns." She spat.

"I'm not making a mockery of you! My concerns are valid and real. Five years ago, Wall Maria fell to titans, and the garrison was caught in the brunt of all the action! It is a job that comes with risks and sacrifice! It's no longer just a game!" I yelled loudly. She wasn't hearing me, she wasn't even hearing herself.

"Well good, finally my tax dollars are being used for more than supplying drunkards with more booze and whores. I'm not arguing with you Mahala, you aren't worth the energy or the breath. You can both go to the garrison and enjoy your free meals and leisure, or you can somehow try to live through a night on the streets. It is of no concern to me what you choose, you will still leave my dwelling." She said calmly. The fact that she was calm let me know she had completely made up her mind.

I've been mistreated, and I've been torn down for my race and appearance, and none of those things ever broke me the way my mother has broken me down over the years, but this broke me completely. She's just sent me to two death sentences, she really doesn't love me.

The room became eerily silent, and the sound of my own heart quaking in my chest unsettled me, so I looked up at my mother. She was staring out the window with blank, glazed over eyes. She reminded me of myself when I drift away into the depths of my mind. I thought the conversation was officially over until she spoke again.

"I will say this Mahala. The streets will give you nothing, the same way you've given me nothing. You will only know misery, you will only know begging for others to aid your survival. You will only ever be abused and be a pawn in someone else's sick chess game." She said with a whisper.

"But if you were to join the garrison, you would have a chance to grow. You would have a chance to become the things you never were here. You would have a chance to meet people beyond this little corner of the world. You may even change it." She let out. I was shocked to my core. She's never told me I'm capable of anything.

"Dignity and honor are worth everything. Respectability and power are worth everything, and if it means sacrificing everything you do or don't have to earn them, then you sacrifice it all. You don't give up because it's easier to be a slum rat than to be a woman that works for her place in this world. The titans exist, and if they a breach a wall again, we're all dying, but we haven't given up." She says calmly. I still can't believe my ears.

"You're weak by birth Mahala, not by choice. If you choose the easy way out, you really will make me sick to my stomach." She says finally and then walks away from her place at the window.

My mother made it sound like she has actual faith in me to make the best decision for myself, in her own distant way. I made up my mind in an instant. I'm going to join the garrison, I'm going to be worth something, and I'll finally make my parents proud of me. All of humanity will be proud of me.

Author's note:

Thank you for reading my story! I have never read an Attack on Titan fanfic w/ a black lead so I'm happy to say that mine is the first if it's true! I will most likely switch POVs throughout the story. Please provide honest feedback and reviews, long or short. Anyway, thank you for reading again.