CHAPTER 11

The Memories

...

ONE MONTH LATER

Merlin woke up with a headache. Another dreamless night, and another hard day awaiting him. He'd been studying the spell books of Cornelius Sigan for weeks now, almost mastering every spell in them, but still finding no solution to everything that's happened.

Camelot was . . . still the same.

Gaius, Gwen and Arthur remembered nothing that had happened and nor did anyone in Camelot, not even Uther. The only thing he seemed to remember was the invitation he'd sent to the witchfinder, but no one arrived and no one would ever arrive. Witchfinders were rare, especially after news spread of what had happened to Aredian.

Only Gaius knew what happened because Merlin had told him all about it while crying.

"Never underestimate the power of love," Gaius had told him then, "I've seen it change many things."

It was hard to keep up hope though.

Even with all the books from Kaunos' chambers that Merlin and Gaius had collected and hidden in their chambers, even with his old spell book, Sigan's two spell books and Kilgharrah's help, the answer was still the same.

The spell was irreversible.

The spell book said so itself, right under the incantation. But Merlin refused to believe it. There had to be another spell that somehow restored the memories that were once lost.

And yes, there were such spells. But none of them worked on memories previously lost by magic.

Merlin closed his eyes tightly as he thought about all of that. These thoughts swirled through his head every morning and evening, every time he saw Arthur's oblivious smile, every time he walked across the courtyard and thought he saw the pyre there, wincing.

It was everywhere around him.

All his magic, and yet he couldn't give Arthur what he needed. What they both needed.

Yes, he could have told Arthur just like he told Gaius about what's happened. But he didn't do that. He didn't want to go through all of the anger and hurt in his eyes again when they've already overcome that together. He didn't tell him he was in love with him either. Arthur deserved to remember what had happened between them. Telling him now without Arthur knowing what had happened felt wrong.

Merlin took those memories. He robbed Arthur of them and he didn't know how to fix that.

He was a failure.

He sighed into the pillow and finally sat up. His head still hurt. He knew he should be getting more sleep, but he couldn't sleep with all the nightmares. When he didn't have them, he didn't dream at all. And when he woke up screaming, he couldn't fall asleep again.

That's why he was always so tired.

Merlin stood up and put on his two warmest tunics together with his neckerchief and jacket and warm trousers. It was snowing in Camelot now, and very, very cold.

He missed the night with Arthur in Sigan's castle. He felt so warm and loved then.

Now he only felt alone and miserable.

He opened his little door and entered the physician's quarters.

"Good morning," Gaius greeted him.

"Is any morning ever good?" He sighed and Gaius frowned at him. He'd been trying to cheer him up for the past month, and now Merlin just felt ungrateful. "Sorry."

"It's alright," Gaius told him as he pointed to the table. "I've prepared some breakfast for you. Make sure you eat it."

"Thank you," Merlin replied. He hasn't been eating much, he knew that.

"Merlin," Gaius called him. "I mean it, I want that breakfast off the plate before you go."

Merlin sighed and sat down to the table. But he was grateful for Gaius making sure he ate. He needed to be strong to study all the books again and perfect all the spells that he's already learned from Sigan's books.

He ate the cheese and bread, and finally left the chambers, leaving Gaius to his potions.

With every step down the stairs, his burden felt heavier and heavier. As he walked across the courtyard, he had to keep his eyes closed as much as possible. He knew he might see the pyre again for a second. Sometimes he heard Uther's voice and winced, remembering his speech before his execution.

He remembered the feeling of being trapped in the dungeons. When they took him to the courtyard in the cage. The pain and tightness around his wrists.

But almost all details were lost to him now. He was glad that he couldn't remember more. He wouldn't be able to bear it, he barely managed it now.

Merlin headed to the kitchen for Arthur's breakfast, when he met Gwen on her way there. She smiled at him already from far away, but the smile that he returned was faint, almost not there at all.

Their paths slowly merged and they walked next to each other. Gwen must have noticed the change in him in the past month because she was silent for a moment before she finally spoke.

"How are you?"

It was a simple question, but it had a very complicated answer. He didn't want to scare Gwen with "I feel like I could die right now and I wouldn't even mind," so he shrugged slightly and replied with "I'm fine."

She was silent for a few seconds. Then she bit her lower lip and finally glanced up at Merlin. "Merlin, can I be honest with you?"

"Of course you can," Merlin frowned slightly in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"It's just . . . " Gwen looked away from him and then finally back at him. "You don't seem fine lately."

Merlin closed his eyes tightly with regret. He should tell Gwen. When he opened his mouth though, "I'm fine," came out.

"Okay."

There was a pause and neither of them talked, both of them knowing that was a blatant lie.

Merlin couldn't lie to Gwen. She was fine with his magic when she found out and went to visit him in the dungeons. She was there too, right? He didn't just imagine it?

"Gwen, look," he stopped and gently took her arm. She stopped and looked at him curiously and with worry in her eyes, and Merlin let go of her forearm. "I'll tell you what's wrong, I will, I promise, I just . . . I can't right now. Not now."

Gwen smiled at him reassuringly. She has always been so kind and understanding that it almost made Merlin want to cry again. She deserved more from him than this broken shell of his former self. A liar.

"It's okay," she smiled at him. "I'll wait. Whenever you're ready."

Merlin nodded and finally smiled back. "Thank you."

Gwen nodded as well and then they started walking again, finally reaching the royal kitchen. Gwen walked away for an apron - Merlin knew she helped out wherever she could in the castle - and Merlin headed for Arthur's breakfast.

He found the prepared tray of food and took it, glancing at Gwen once more as she worked with the dough for bread before he left, going up the stairs and many halls before he finally reached Arthur's chambers.

When he found himself in front of Arthur's rooms, he took a deep breath. Then he pushed the door open with his knee and finally entered.

Arthur was already up. Which normally would be unusual but was quite often for the past month.

"Ah, Merlin," Arthur smiled at him.

Merlin didn't return the smile and looked down, setting the tray on the table. "Your breakfast, sire," he informed him.

He didn't want to act on his feelings until he didn't have the advantage of knowing what had already happened. So he held back as much as he could. He knew Arthur had noticed, but he rarely said anything.

Today wasn't that day.

"Oh come on, I haven't seen you smile these past four weeks," Arthur told him as he walked over to the table with his breakfast.

Merlin kept his gaze down. "I'm not sure there's a great deal to smile about."

Arthur rolled his eyes as he sat down to eat. "I'll get you to smile one day," he mumbled before he took a bite of the cheese.

Merlin ignored that and instead walked into the room. He opened Arthur's wardrobes and picked out his dirty clothes, his socks and everything else that was dirty and threw it into the laundry basket. Then he turned around and looked at the back of Arthur's head, taking a deep but silent breath. He wasn't smiling, but his neutral expression turned into a frown as he noticed the two swords in a crossed position above Arthur's head on the opposite wall of the room.

It kept reminding him of the fight with Kaunos that he had. And when Arthur was fighting, barely strong enough to stand. Kaunos had a big advantage then - the necklace.

Merlin together with Gaius had found the meaning of the symbols on the necklace a long time ago. They still didn't know where Kaunos could have got his hands on such powerful handcuffs or such necklace. The translation of the symbols on it was all your magic to make useless. It sounded simple, but it had a strong effect even against Merlin's magic.

They kept the necklace. Merlin knew it might prove to be useful one day and might even protect Arthur. Or him.

Under the swords on the wall there was a little table pressed against it. Merlin had dusted that place many times over the last month, but he never failed to make his dusting last longer with this place.

Before the week that was forgotten, it had been a normal table with a few candelabra. But now next to the many candles, there stood a little clay statue of a horse that could fit into one's hand easily.

It was a painful reminder of what had happened. One that Arthur could never understand. But just the fact that he kept the statue was a proof that though his memories were gone something, a feeling or a mere inkling, stayed with him.

Sometimes, Merlin would notice that Arthur picked up the little horse and held it in his hands for a few moments. But then he always put it back and never seemed to recall what it meant.

He closed his eyes briefly, trying to numb the pain. Something that he'd learned to do, but not so effectively around Arthur. After that he returned to work. He took the laundry basket and left it by the window - later he'd pick it up again and deal with it. Then he went to adjust the corners of Arthur's bed.

Arthur ate as he worked.

When Arthur finished, Merlin was done making his bed and went to fetch the basket again. Once he picked it up, he turned away from the window-

- and was met face to face with the fire in the fireplace. The heat and light enveloped him and suddenly he felt as if it was all around him. He gasped and winced violently, almost falling if it wasn't for Arthur.

Once again, after a month, he found himself in Arthur's strong arms.

"What are you doing?" Arthur asked. When Merlin turned around to face him instead of the fire, there was confusion and worry in Arthur's eyes.

They were so close.

His lips inches away from his, and Arthur didn't flinch away.

He still held Merlin firmly. Merlin couldn't help it as he glanced at Arthur's lips. Then he finally found his balance again, but didn't push away from him. He couldn't. His body and mind were frozen.

But he could still feel the heat on his back.

His eyes filled with tears and before he knew it, he was full on sobbing in Arthur's arms. Arthur frowned in confusion, but didn't hesitate when he wrapped his arms around him. He was weak when it came to Merlin, Merlin knew that.

"Okay," Arthur mumbled as he rubbed Merlin's back and moved away from the fire, sitting them down on the the bed, away from the fire. "What the hell happened to you?" he asked.

Merlin didn't even have the power to shrug at that. All that pain, that trauma, it all came crashing down on him in this little moment, right in front of Arthur, and now he couldn't stop.

His shoulders were shaking as he held tight to his prince. His prince who didn't even remember that this already happened once before, when they appeared in the hills right after the unsuccessful execution.

"Y-you don't re-remember," Merlin just whispered.

"Merlin, you're not making any sense. What the hell do I not remember?" he heard Arthur ask.

There were so many spells that Merlin has learned over the past four weeks and yet none of them could help him in any way. Not one could give Arthur back his memories and remind him of their lost moments.

The spell was irreversible, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He had to accept it.

There was just no way of giving Arthur back his memories.

. . .

"Are you going to tell me what I don't remember or what?" Arthur asked him impatiently, but still holding him close on the bed, slightly confused.

"I can't tell you," Merlin sobbed. It would never be the same if Arthur just heard it. He had to remember it. See it. He had to be shown what he's lost and why it mattered.

"Can't you show me then?" Arthur mumbled.

Merlin was silent for a while, just breathing in and out against Arthur's chest, his eyes closed tightly.

He could show him.

He could show him.

He could show him.

He finally took a deep breath and gently pushed away from him. Arthur's hands fell down from Merlin's back, but stayed on his shoulders. He kept looking into Merlin's wet eyes, not really knowing what to do.

"Trust me," Merlin whispered, knowing well that that was the last thing Arthur had told him before Merlin stole his memories. "Trust me and I'll show you."

"Alright," Arthur shrugged.

Out of all the spells that Merlin has learned, that was one that he could use at this moment. One that would help him and maybe, maybe, help Arthur understand.

He slowly reached out his hands and placed them on Arthur's cheeks. His hands were shaking, but Arthur didn't move away. Merlin closed his eyes and let their foreheads touch.

He was going to show him his memories, share them with him.

He was going to let him see what happened through his eyes.

xoXÖXox

Arthur felt Merlin's shaking hands on his cheeks and he didn't move away. He was a little surprised that he didn't, but when it came to Merlin, he often lost control of himself.

He trusted Merlin. And whatever he was doing now, it seemed important.

Then Arthur felt something. Merlin's fingers moved to his temples and-

Arthur gasped.

. . .

"I swear I heard concern in your voice."

"You definitely didn't."

Laughter.

Heartache.

"I'm responsible for you, Merlin. And you can't just leave like that, not without a permission."

"Alright, so now that you're here, do I have your permission to leave Camelot?"

Lies.

Secrets.

"Are you saying you wish to leave Camelot . . . forever?"

"Keep your secrets."

Guilt.

Fear.

"By the laws of Camelot, I hereby sentence you to death."

"It's okay. It's okay now, we're safe."

Magic.

Love.

"Look, a shooting star!"

"We kissed."

"I didn't know you . . . felt that way about me."

"I'd die for you, Arthur."

"I'll never let that happen. If you die . . . Then I have no reason to be alive."

Trust.

Guilt.

. . .

Image after image, memory after memory flashed through Arthur's mind. He saw himself in situations that he didn't remember. But Merlin did. In a matter of seconds, Arthur saw everything. He saw Merlin writing the letter, running away, he saw him almost being enveloped in flames.

He saw a strange man attack them again and again. A necklace. There was a necklace.

And then nothing.

Merlin removed his hands from his head and kept looking down on the bed, unsure. Arthur looked at him and just kept looking until he didn't even know what he saw.

This wasn't his manservant, this was a completely different man in front of him. Someone who'd been through more than anyone his age should have, someone who had magic and yet saved him many times and loved him with all his heart.

Arthur saw everything he needed to.

He didn't remember it. But he knew now how Merlin felt.

He slowly took Merlin's hands in his, his eyes still wide. Their eyes met and Arthur kept looking into them, still filled with tears. He slowly placed his hand on Merlin's cheek and stared at him.

"I love you," he whispered. "I love you, I love you."

After no less than thirty days, Merlin finally gave him a genuine smile. He put his hand over Arthur's on his cheek and sniffled. "I love you too, Arthur."

And Arthur didn't need to know or see more.

He leaned in and closed the distance between them, slowly and hesitantly kissing Merlin's lips as if it was the first time, even if now he knew it wasn't. Merlin kissed back and they held each other tightly, just like they always were supposed to.

After all, there was much more for them in the future. And although this may have seemed like the end . . .

It was the beginning.

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* THE END *

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Thank you so much for reading this! It was a long adventure and took a lot of work from me, matchboximpala and my two brave betas who weren't afraid to say no to such a long fanfic, just a week before the posting date :D

Please consider leaving a review, thanks! I hope you enjoyed it!