Harry Potter and the Bodacious Bodyguard

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Chapter 13:

The Day of the Owls, as it was now being called by Hogwarts students, quickly became the stuff of legend. No one could recall that many owls—almost 500 of them—descending upon the Great Hall at once. Students wrote home about it, which only increased the gossip surrounding the payload the owls had carried.

With the latest edition of the Quibbler, the romance between Snape and Umbridge exploded into public consciousness. It quickly became the fastest-selling issue in the tabloid's history, as a generation of Hogwarts students who loathed Snape snatched up copies with horrified fascination. Xenophilius Lovegood had to run a second printing to keep up with the demand.

Snape and Umbridge furiously denied the relationship, with Umbridge going to the extreme of addressing the topic in the Great Hall. But that didn't deflate the students' interest. The Weasley twins used duplicating charms to distribute the offending paper to every nook and cranny of the castle's walls, creating an even bigger mess than the bat and toad graffiti. Some students joined them. When McGonagall refused to allow Umbridge to put a young Hufflepuff in detention for life, the High Inquisitor retaliated by passing a new Educational Decree. This one gave her authority over all punishments at Hogwarts, much to everyone's dismay.

She likewise banned the Quibbler from the castle, but that would prove to be less of a deterrent than she hoped. It didn't stop the students from stowing copies in their trunks, nor did it stop the gossip. Two days after her public denial, Snape was again seen leaving her office with his clothes in a state of disarray. This time it had been in the dead of night, directly in front of two Gryffindor prefects. Tonks had even made Snape blush and stammer this time. The story was all over school by noon the next day.

Harry and friends watched it all with a sense of vicious satisfaction. It wasn't quite the revenge they were aiming for, but it was a start. Snape had not retaliated, and if his mood was any indication, Dumbledore had not allowed him to do so. Umbridge didn't seem to be aware that the prank originated with them, and they prayed it stayed that way.

In the days following the chaos, their group had little to do but help Hermione start brewing veritaserum. The first two weeks of the potion were the most difficult, and the first three days the most essential. Hermione stayed up all night for three days straight, making liberal use of the Pepper-Up potions that Tonks had stolen. Harry and Ron offered to prepare ingredients for her, but she refused. She knew exactly what would happen if someone sliced instead of diced, and Snape wasn't entirely wrong about the boys' brewing skills.

So they left her to it, content to spy on the rest of the school from the Room while she carefully planned her next two months of work. If everything went well, the potion would be ready around Christmas. They couldn't think of a better present to give themselves.

Their meeting with Skeeter wouldn't take place until the day after the first quidditch match, so they busied themselves planning the interview while Tonks drilled them on the fundamentals of magical fighting.

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"And the seeker for Gryffindor…HARRY POTTER!" roared Lee Jordan.

The Gryffindors around them exploded in cheers.

Hermione and Violet watched as Harry zoomed across the pitch on his Firebolt. They were huddled in the stands with the rest of the house for the match against Slytherin. The day was bitterly cold for November, but winter came early in Scotland. Hermione was exhausted from staying up to brew truth serum, but she wrapped herself in multiple layers and attended, hoping her best friends would at least survive the match without injuries. Slytherin house had tried to jinx multiple players throughout the week, and only Tonks' intervention had saved Alicia Spinnett from a stay in the hospital wing.

Luna Lovegood sat beside them. She had taken to following the trio around whenever she encountered them in the halls. She wore a huge animated lion on her head, which she had made herself. Hermione had to admit it was an impressive bit of magic, even if its unpredictable roars made her jump out of her skin.

The highly-anticipated match began, and it soon became clear that the Slytherins were playing for keeps. They committed so many fouls in the first two minutes that Madam Hooch couldn't possibly keep up with them. But Gryffindor had superior players and had begun to pull ahead when a loud chant rang out from the Slytherin side of the stands.

Weasley cannot save a thing,

He cannot block a single ring,

That's why Slytherins all sing:

Weasley Is Our King!*

"Oh, Merlin," Hermione muttered. She could almost see Ron's face going red in the rings.

Indeed, the song appeared to rattle him. The next shot got through, and so did the one after that. His nerves, combined with the viciousness of Slytherin's play, quickly reversed Gryffindor's advantage. As Ron continued missing easy saves, the Slytherins sang even louder. Their laughter rang out across the pitch every time their team scored. Soon Slytherin led 90 to 40.

"C'mon, Ron!" Hermione yelled. "Don't let them get to you!"

"Wrackspurts and quidditch are not a good combination," observed Luna, and Hermione took that as her attempt at consolation.

A half-hour into the game, Gryffindor was getting mauled. Slytherin's lead had extended to 100 points. The chasers were doing their best, but with Ron so frazzled, too many goals were getting past him. If Harry didn't catch the snitch soon, they were going to lose.

Tonks and Hermione followed him in the sky, watching as Malfoy shadowed him. So far the snitch had failed to make an appearance. But there was a collective gasp from the crowd as Harry broke into a sudden dive.

"Has Potter seen the snitch?" Lee Jordan speculated excitedly.

Everyone held their breath as Harry plummeted straight toward the ground, impossibly fast, with Malfoy hard on his heels. Harry reached out with his hand, and the entire stadium leaned forward in their seats. Hermione clutched her bag so hard her fingers turned white.

Just when it seemed certain that he would crash, he pulled up and barrel-rolled, his feet skimming the grass. Malfoy slammed into the ground behind him with a thump. Loud groans came from the Slytherin stands, but the rest of the stadium cheered.

"A Wronski feint!" Lee boomed. "Haven't seen one of those since The World Cup! Malfoy's going to be feeling that one for a while."

"Merlin," Tonks said admiringly. "He's absolutely fearless, isn't he?"

"Reckless is more like it."

Tonks watched Harry zoom by the Gryffindor stands, a huge smile on his face, earning a roar of approval from Luna's hat. He seemed more at home in the air than anywhere else. She had never seen him so carefree. Even the joy of humiliating Snape and Umbridge paled in comparison.

Gryffindor and Slytherin traded blows for another twenty minutes, with Slytherin slowly pulling ahead. They were leading by 140 points when Luna's lion hat roared again.

"They've seen the snitch!" rang Lee's voice.

Everyone got to their feet as both seekers raced neck and neck toward the little golden ball. It was within mere feet of both boys, and it was desperately trying to outrun them. Malfoy tried to elbow Harry out of the way, but Harry barrel-rolled underneath him and shot out the other side, just as the snitch changed direction. It flew into Harry's waiting hands, and he thrust his arm into the air.

"GRYFFINDOR WINS!" Lee bellowed, and the students of three houses followed his lead.

"Well, all's well that ends well. Looks like we've got a party to get to," Tonks said. "Our boys could probably use one."

"Ron's definitely going to need some encouragement after that song."

Tonks grinned and opened her mouth, but Hermione slapped her hand over it. "Whatever it is you were about to say, don't say it."

They began making their way through the crowd, trying to get to the pitch, when they saw all the players congregate on the ground together.

"Looks like the Slytherins aren't enjoying their loss."

Tonks surreptitiously drew her wand, but there was little she could from the stands, which is one reason she hated trying to protect Harry during quidditch practices. A moment later, the players below started pushing each other. Angry words were exchanged and then fists were flying.

Hermione groaned when she noticed Umbridge push her way toward the fray. "This won't end well."

And indeed it didn't. The victory party that evening was a subdued affair. Gryffindor had won the match, but they had lost their seeker and both beaters to lifetime bans. Umbridge had even confiscated Harry's beloved broom and assigned a week of detention to him and the twins. With no one to appeal to, her punishments would stand.

Tonks was secretly relieved that she would no longer have to hide under an invisibility cloak to guard him at practice. But she despaired at the thought of what Harry's punishment would do to him. Not being able to fly was a disaster. She had seen the look on his face as Umbridge marched toward Hogwarts with her fat little hands wrapped around his broom. Not even Hagrid's return from abroad could dispel his gloom.

It infuriated her that she could only counsel him to be patient. Especially when she too wanted the witch to go down as hard and as soon as possible.

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"Are you sure you're ready?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes, Professor Granger, for the third time. I've got my statement and my notes and you've told me precisely how to phrase my answers. We'll be fine."

"Just making certain," she said, patting his arm. "This could be very important, Harry. It might change a lot of minds."

"I know. I'm ready for her. She has to play nice with us anyway."

"I'm still amazed that bitch is an animagus," Tonks said. "That's a tricky bit of magic."

"Can you do it?" Hermione asked curiously.

Harry too had wondered just what she could do with her body, but he knew better than to ask. It would probably result in the most embarrassing conversation of his life.

"Nope. Damn shame too. Can you imagine turning into a niffler? You'd be rich. I can give myself animal features though—pig noses and extra hair and the like. Want to see my impression of Hagrid?"

"Er, no thanks."

"Suit yourself, but let's go or we'll be late."

She tapped her wand on Hermione's head, and she instantly disappeared, save for small ripples in the air when she moved. Harry and Tonks donned their invisibility cloaks and then all three exited the Room.

Ron had begged off, opting to remain in the Room of Requirement 'to do homework.' He had no desire to see Rita Skeeter, and wasn't a big fan of the Shrieking Shack after the events of third year. Hermione was suspicious of his sudden desire to study, especially since he would be alone in a room that could spy on anyone in the castle. But he had been sulking since his performance at the quidditch match, and she didn't want to chide him for appearing to take his school work seriously.

They had crafted a prepared statement for Skeeter, but that would only serve as a useful reference for her. She wouldn't have agreed to a meeting without the promise of an interview. Harry prayed that their hold over the vindictive reporter was enough to guarantee fair treatment. He wanted to fight back, even if it was just with words. It was essential that they convince the world that Voldemort had returned, and he especially wanted to denounce the Prophet's tripe about his love triangle.

After they passed cautiously beneath The Whomping Willow, they removed their cloaks and Hermione discarded her disillusionment. Now only a long walk awaited them.

Harry tried to control his growing nerves. He loathed Rita Skeeter, and the fallout of the interview, even if she did right by them, would be unpredictable.

"Umbridge is going to throw a fit over this," he said as they walked. "I'll probably get detention until I'm fifty."

"Probably," Tonks said. "But cheer up. We're almost done letting her torture you."

"What?"

"Did you really think I was going to let her bleed you with those quills all year?"

"Er, yeah, I kinda did. What are you going to do?"

"We're going to steal the bloody things," she said with a grin. "If you can endure it for one more week, we'll document the evidence from the twins' hands and that will be that. The next time she sees them will be at a trial, if we're lucky. Maybe we'll break all her kitten plates too."

A slow smile spread across Harry's face. She returned it and tried not to feel too smug.

Tonks had decided after watching Harry rage at Umbridge's latest atrocity that something had to give. She had contacted Bones, who agreed that they had enough evidence to provoke universal outrage when the proper time came. Umbridge might still be able to assign detentions, but she would have to invent new ways to torture people.

She almost tripped in surprise when Harry pulled her into a hug.

"Thank you, Tonks."

"Er, you're welcome."

"No, seriously. You're the only one who's helping us. I don't want to know how we'd deal with all this without you. I thought I was going to have a permanent scar on my hand."

He didn't want to give her too much of an ego, but the last few days had driven home just how important she was to them this year. She was training them, protecting them from Umbridge to the best of her ability, and helping them formulate plans for revenge. He hadn't forgotten that the sound of her laughter had driven away his rage in Dumbledore's office either.

Tonks gave herself huge puppy dog eyes. A little tear rolled down her cheek. "Aww, Harry Potter is thanking his Tonksie! Tonksie is so happy!"

Harry winced at the terrible imitation of Dobby. "Never mind, I take it all back."

"Too late! I'm going to remind you of this moment every time I knock you on your arse and you glare daggers at me."

Hermione watched them both with amusement. Harry was clearly growing more comfortable with their rapport, even if Tonks still held a massive advantage. She wasn't sure she would have been able to handle Harry's moodiness this year as well as Tonks had. For all her delight in embarrassing them, she was definitely the most helpful ally they'd ever had. With her work on the truth serum going well, she felt less side-lined and more appreciative of Tonks' presence.

"We really need to do something nice for Luna," she said, breaking up their exchange of insults. "She's taking a big risk publishing this interview, even if she doesn't seem to mind."

"I think we should let her know about the Room," Harry said. "She already knows Tonks is an Auror, and we can't really talk to her anywhere else. We can trust her."

Hermione sighed. "As long as she doesn't distract me when I'm working—or try to make me believe in things that blibber or blobber."

"Tonks?" Harry asked.

She shrugged. "I like her, and she's helping us. We can keep her. No more strays though. I've got my hands full keeping you lot alive."

"Let's bring her in tomorrow then. I don't think she'll betray our secret hideaway."

As they drew closer to the Shack, Tonks donned her invisibility cloak once again. There was no need for Skeeter to be aware of her presence.

"Let's hope she's not still in bug form when we go in," she whispered. "I might accidentally step on her."

Harry snorted. "I hate her, but I sort of admire her bravery. She could get killed by a fly swatter. That's dedication to your job."

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"That's odd," said Luna. "I've never noticed this door before. I'm certain I've watched Barnabas play with his trolls."

"It's a secret room," Harry said. "This is where we hang out, and you've got to promise not to tell anyone about it."

"Of course. Is this the place you're using to wage your secret war against Voldemort?"

"Er, something like that."

He led her into the room, where Tonks, Ron and Hermione were already lounging in front of the mirrors on the wall.

"Hey Luna," Tonks said kindly. "Welcome to our secret club!"

"Oh, thank you! I love secret clubs. This one seems so much more interesting than gobstones."

"It definitely is. Our club comes with a crazy house elf and free popcorn."

"Hey now, Dobby's more useful than you are," Harry said, then dodged the spell she flung his way.

Luna's attention was immediately drawn to the mirrors, which currently reflected the Slytherin common room, Umbridge's office, and Flitwick's classroom. The little Professor was delivering a lecture on silent casting to his NEWT students, and Hermione was listening and taking notes.

"Oh, my," Luna breathed, her pale silver eyes going even wider than usual. "This is remarkable. Can you see into showers too? I'll be sure to wave the next time I take one."

Ron laughed, but quickly stopped at the disapproving glare Hermione shot him.

"We don't use them for that Luna. Or at least we better not. They're for gathering information."

Luna nodded. "I suppose people don't have many interesting conversations in the shower. Can you see everywhere in the castle?"

"We think so," Harry said. "Except for the Headmaster's office, which is unfortunate. But it's shown us everywhere else, and the whole room can become whatever we need it to be."

"So it provided all these books too? And the dummies and chairs?"

"Yep."

A huge smile lit up Luna's face. "How marvelous! Think of all the possibilities! Do you think it would help me find a crumple-horned snorkack?"

Harry glanced at the others. Tonks and Ron grinned, but Hermione shook her head and returned to listening to Flitwick.

"Er, we're not sure what that is, Luna."

"It's a rare creature Daddy and I have been trying to track down in the summers. We're going to Norway this year, I believe. How does the room work? Do you simply have to wish for something?"

"Whoever opens it controls it," he answered. "Tonks is in control right now because she asked for our training room. Only she can change it while we're in it."

"Tonks?" she asked, tilting her head at him curiously.

"Yeah, she—," he began, then glanced at Violet and shut his mouth. "Shit."

A moment later a spell smacked his backside. "Great job, Harry. First-rate discretionary skills. You should train to be a spy."

"Sorry."

Luna looked between them in confusion. "Well, obviously your name isn't Violet Blackwell. I already knew that."

Tonks smiled. "It's fine, Luna. Just keep it to yourself. You're helping us out and we trust our friends. Except for Harry. Don't tell him your secrets."

Luna returned a beaming smile. "I trust my friends too. Do you suppose you could ask the room to see a crumple-horned snorkack, Tonks? Or should I call you Violet?"

"Best to use Violet. I'll try, but I don't know what that is. Maybe the room does."

Tonks closed her eyes in concentration, and a moment later an ethereal creature popped into existence in the center of the room. It was suspended in the air, almost like a hologram, and had the wispy appearance of a patronus.

Luna clapped her hands and ran to it eagerly. "I always knew they'd be cute! I'll have to take a picture for The Quibbler. Now we know what we're looking for."

The rest of the group stared at the spectral creature in surprise. Hermione got up to examine it closely.

"Luna," she said after an inspection, "that's a rabbit."

"Nonsense. That's obviously a crumple-horned snorkack."

"So where are its horns then?"

"It only has the one, and it's right there on its forehead. See?"

Hermione got closer and squinted. The spectral beast squinted right back at her.

"That's…a bump. At best."

"It's crumpled, yes."

"So how do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a snorkack?"

"Well, rabbits can't teleport away from predators and they don't have invisible tails."

Hermione paused and took a breath. "I'm almost afraid to ask this, but how do you know it has an invisible tail?"

"Because we can't see it. It would be visible then."

Tonks laughed uproariously at the look on her face. "She's got you there. Impeccable logic."

Hermione sighed and returned to her seat, but Luna didn't seem offended. She looked at Tonks calmly. "Can you ask the room for an Umgubular Slashkilter? They're supposed to be very interesting."

"Those aren't even words," Hermione muttered, trying to ignore the conversation and focus on Flitwick's lecture.

Tonks shrugged. "No idea what that is, but why not?"

She concentrated again, and the spectral creature that appeared in the center of the room left them momentarily speechless.

It was at least ten feet tall, and had an amorphous, blob-like body that slithered to and fro in a wave-like motion. At least a dozen tentacles sprang from its center. Some had suction cups like a squid, while others had sharp, dagger-like claws. But its eyes were its most noticeable feature. There were dozens of them, and they rose from the beast on stalks, blinking constantly and looking in every direction.

Harry, Ron, and Tonks stared open-mouthed, unable to believe something so horrible could exist. Luna walked around it in silent admiration, not bothered by the fact that every single one of the creature's eyes followed her progress. Hermione was sitting with her back to them and listening closely to Professor Flitwick, unaware of the reason for the silence.

Harry regained his senses first. "Hermione? You might want to turn around."

"I have no desire to see more rabbits."

"This…is not a rabbit."

She huffed and turned around, then sprang out of her chair. Her wand slipped into her hand. "W-what, the ever-loving—what is that?"

"An Umgubular Slashkilter, of course," Luna answered serenely. "Isn't he fascinating? I didn't expect him to have so many eyes."

"Bloody hell," Ron whispered. "Where do they live?"

"No one knows. There hasn't been a documented sighting in centuries. We're hopeful they're not extinct but—"

"Please God, let them be extinct," Hermione begged. "It's like something out of Lovecraft."

"You read the Lovecrafts?" Luna asked curiously. "Some people think the family is odd, but I think they're America's best zoologists."

Hermione stared at her for at least ten seconds. "I'm going to the library."

Luna frowned. "There's nothing to be afraid of. Would you like to see a wrackspurt instead?"

"No! No wrackspurts, or snorkacks, or slashing junglebuggers! Not when I'm in the room."

She grabbed her bag and stalked out, leaving behind three grinning people and one confused one.

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The evening after Hermione's unfortunate encounter with Luna's creatures, Harry finally got a chance to speak privately with Sirius again. Tonks had borrowed the mirror a couple times when they were organizing the transfer of truth serum ingredients, and there had been little time to simply talk with his godfather. He pulled his bed curtains tight and cast a privacy charm, then pulled out his mirror.

"Sirius Black."

It took only a few seconds for a grinning face to appear. "Hey kid! How are things at Hoggy-Hogwarts?"

"I can't complain—well, actually I can. About a lot. But I won't bore you with it."

Sirius laughed. "I've already heard some of it. Tonks likes to talk about you. Don't worry, that Ministry bitch will be gone soon, Harry. I'll buy you a new Firebolt if I need to."

"Thank you, but let's hope it doesn't come to that. I just want her out of here. I can't wait till that bloody potion is done, but it's got forever to go."

"Well, Hermione seems to know what she's doing. I'll give her that. How did the interview with Skeeter go?"

"As well as we could hope. She was actually salivating at some of the things I said. I think she would have flirted with me if Hermione hadn't been there. Luna's trying to get her father to print it as a special issue."

"Tell them I'll fund the thing again. They should print up thousands."

Harry smiled. He wouldn't trade Sirius for anything, but it sure as hell helped their cause that he was rich. "I will. Umbridge banned the Quibbler here, but we can use Dobby to deliver them straight to the students' beds. She can't stop us."

"I like it. I don't know why Dumbledore didn't think of it earlier. He's not even defending himself in the press."

"Do you think we could convince Skeeter to do an interview with you?" Harry asked hopefully. "It might help clear your name."

"Eh, maybe," Sirius replied. "Let's see how yours turns out. If I do one with her, we'd have to make sure I can't be connected to you. You'd be in deep shit with the Ministry."

"Yeah, I forgot about that."

"Don't worry about it, Harry. Just take care of yourself and keep pranking the hell out of Snape. It fills my days with joy. I've got a framed copy of that Quibbler article in the kitchen. He had to sit right below it at the last Order meeting—which reminds me!"

"Yeah?"

Sirius leaned forward with a huge smile. "Care to guess what happened at the meeting? I tried to mirror call you last night, but no one was around."

"Er, Dumbledore listened to people talk about nothing and told them all to persevere?"

Sirius barked out a laugh. "Exactly! But that's not what I meant. I overheard a conversation afterwards between him and Snape."

"What did they say?"

Sirius started laughing almost hysterically. "Hold on—I can't even think about it without losing it."

He took a deep breath to compose himself. "Voldemort apparently heard about the article in the Lovegoods' paper. He's now demanding that Snape pretend to be smitten with Umbridge so they can use her as a source close to the Minister."

Harry stared at him in disbelief, then joined his godfather in laughter. Their prank had just been intended to humiliate Snape, but it was turning his life into a living hell. Now both of his masters were encouraging a romance with Umbridge.

"Oh, Merlin," Harry said, almost giggling with mirth. "He might really murder us. I can't wait to tell the others."

"Watch your back around him. If he retaliates, I'll set Kreacher on him with the knives he sharpens every night."

"Tonks was planning to impersonate him again, just to keep everybody believing that he's shagging her. We might need to dial it back now."

"Don't you dare! I want to hear every detail. He's had it coming for a long time. Plus, you're just helping him maintain his cover now, aren't you? It's doing him a favor, really."

"I'm glad you're on my side, Sirius."

"You should be. Imagine the Death Eaters with a Marauder working for them."

Harry almost pointed out that they already had one, but he didn't want to ruin the mood. "Any other news from Grimmauld?"

"Not really, although I did get in a really good prank on Moony. The elves delivered your basilisk the other day. I put the thing in the attic and scared the daylights out of him with it. He actually screamed and cursed the thing."

"What? Why?"

"Well, I might have placed its open jaws right in front of the door. Might have used an animation charm to make it wriggle and hiss too. He screamed and hit it with a reducto curse."

Harry laughed. His chest was hurting from laughing so much, which was exactly what he needed. "I wish I could have seen it."

"He'll never live it down. The curse knocked out one of its teeth, but that only made it look cooler. Hey, did you know that thing still has venom in it? It dripped onto the floor and almost burned a bloody hole."

"Wow."

"Might prove useful. Moony and I will salvage it one day, just in case."

Harry smiled, longing for the day when conversations like this one were the norm and not the exception.

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A/N: Thanks to BennyS for his feedback on the chapter, and thanks for reading and reviewing. I love to hear your feedback. How am I doing with Luna?

*The 'Weasley Is Our King' verse comes verbatim from The Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling.