Had Betelgeuse known what it felt like to squat in Lydia's body while she held their daughter, he would have jumped in more often. The dopamine that filled Lydia's brain radiated off of her aura, soaking him like a warm bath. It was what had finally quelled the monster he had become and what probably saved his lover's life back at the warehouse, even though Lydia didn't buy it. Lydia gave Bibi another tight hug, and finally, let her go when the bell to her school rang.

"Hey," rang out a raspy, male voice from her mother's lips, "don't I get a hug too?"

Bibi rolled her eyes and placed her hand on her hips. "I just did! Don't be weird!"

"Get yer butt over here right now, young lady, and give yer old man a hug!"

Bibi watched her mom pout angrily, and she could not hold back her giggles. Hearing Beej's voice and watching his mannerisms through her poor mother was just something she could not get used to. "Fine," she relented and gave them another embrace.

Betelgeuse sighed contentedly as those warm sensations washed over him again.

"It's so nice to have you back, Bianca," her teacher exclaimed happily, drying a tear from the corner of her eye.

Bianca's eyes shot open, and she tore herself out of her mother's grasp. "Okay, love you guys, bye!" Embarrassed, she rushed past her teacher, unintentionally ignoring her.

Lydia stood up, cocked an eyebrow, and snorted most unattractively. "Kids," the ghost gruffed on her behalf, "ya know I love'em." He glanced over at the teacher and realized his error when she frowned and furrowed her brow.

Lydia took over at once and coughed. "Whew," she placed a hand to her throat, "still getting over my laryngitis. Well, I'll see you later. Bye!" She spun on her heal and briskly walked to her car. "What the hell, Beej?" She whispered aloud.

Sorry, babe.

In the safety of her own car, Lydia put on her Blu-tooth in her ear so she wouldn't look crazy talking to the air. She could communicate with him in her mind but found it difficult to keep from speaking out loud.

"You know I love you, right?" She asked her rhetorical question.

Squatters rights, he retorted resolutely. I ain't leavin' until I get it in writing... that I won't be dragged off to court for killin' that sleazebag.

Lydia nearly banged her head on the steering wheel. "I need my privacy," she whined, on her last nerve. "It's been two weeks!"

Fine. As soon as we get home, I'll get out, he said simply. And, hey, if chains just happen to slap themselves on my manly, yet delicate wrists, and I get hauled off to yet another prison, never to see you or Bibi again, well, ya know, OH WELL! AT LEAST YA HAVE YER PRIVACY!

"Don't be so dramatic!" A headache started to form as they bickered all the way home.

"I'm just saying," Lydia continued her argument as she entered the house and stalked to the kitchen for a drink, "Bibi needs to be able to see you. I need a little breather from your constant presence and unrelenting sexual appetite-"

"OH! You're complaining about sex now, huh?!" He yelled through her.

They had inadvertently started taking turns discussing their predicament using Lydia's body, effectively making her look quite insane. Or possessed.

"There is a time and place, Betelgeuse." Lydia stormed into the kitchen, catching Prudence sitting on the counter with her legs crossed tightly, and a blush spreading across her cheeks.

"Oh, hi, Lydia!" Prudence chirped breathlessly.

She watched the ginger with narrowed eyes as a smirk tugged at her lips. Immediately, Betelgeuse spoke up, plastering a leer on Lydia's face. "You fuckin' on my kitchen counter, lovebirds?"

"BETEL!" Lydia blared as Prudence shrunk in on herself and Bertha ejected out of her lover.

"You know," Betelgeuse took over once more, "there's a time and a place for that kinda kinky shit and it ain't on my American Heirloom, walnut cutting board!"

Mortified, Prudence jumped off her seat and pulled her collar over her face.

"I'm sorry, Lydia!" Bertha cringed, but then suddenly changed her tune. "And it's not your cutting board, Beej!"

"PAIN KILLERS!" Lydia screeched. "NOW!"

"I'm afraid those will do little to ease your discomfort, Ms. Deetz," emanated a male voice with a British accent from behind her.

Lydia turned around and took in the sight of Juno and a handsome man wearing modern clothes that seemed clean and freshly pressed. His chestnut hair and sky-blue eyes were as striking as his sparkling, dashing smile.

Involuntarily, Lydia scowled and scoffed. "Oh, look, everyone," Betelgeuse declared with a pompous Brit accent, "it's McSteamy himself. With a hoity-toity accent coming to haul me away finally." Betelgeuse lost the accent and growled. "Julian," he let out with as much disdain as he could muster, "if they sent you, then I really am up shit's creek."

Julian laughed good-heartedly, "Oh, Betelgeuse, you really are a - what do they say nowadays - a hoot?" His smile was smug and his eyes glimmered with mischief, sending Lydia into a quiet panic.

"Why don't we all have a seat in the living room," Juno suggested.

As they all got comfortable, Lydia's eyes were glued to the charming man before her.

If you keep staring at him like that, babe, I'm gonna hafta teach ya a lesson.

He just looks so famil- Lydia began to defend herself but was interrupted.

"Are you an angel?!" Bertha covered her mouth from the outburst.

Julian smiled at her sweetly. "No, my dear, I don't think my nature will ever allow it, I'm afraid." He sighed, but the smirk never left his perfectly chiseled face. "I am merely a messenger. With a very important message for my," he looked over at Lydia, "... my charge."

"I ain't yer goddamn charge, Fabio," Betelgeuse grated. "I'm not givin' up this hot bod for a cell, got me?"

"Would you shuddup and hear what he has to say," Juno droned.

"Betelgeuse," Julian reasoned, "you broke your contract-"

"Hell yeah, I did! And I'm not sorry! That little shit had it comin'! And THEN, I get strung up for taking out the trash! That was no picnic, you sadistic prick! That shit hurt! I think that little stunt was punishment enough. IN FACT, I've had enough punishments to make up for my ALL my previous dalliances with other douchebags who ended up dead because o' me! I DEMAND RESTITUTION!"

"B," Lydia whispered while bringing her hands to her head, "please tone it down."

"Now look whatcha made me do," Betelgeuse groused as he glared in Julian's direction. "Sorry, Lyds," he mumbled as he internally rubbed her temples and activated her pressure points.

Julian gave them a pitying glance. "Your partner cannot withstand your invasion much longer. Come out now. I promise I'm not here to punish you. As a sign of good faith, I brought Juno with me to this meeting. Plus, you tore a demon to shreds, what have you to fear?" He finished and relaxed onto the couch, crossing his ankle over his knee.

Betelgeuse deliberated and took in his non-threatening demeanor. Whaddya think, babes?

I don't sense anything dangerous about him, but we should take precautions.

Betelgeuse carefully extracted himself from Lydia, sitting next to her. He placed a protective arm around her as she relaxed, then he snapped his fingers. A pair of handcuffs appeared, by his own doing, and he cuffed himself to his witch.

Lydia lifted her hand and stared at the contraption. "Do you mean to tell me that you could have done this the whole time?!

"Well, yeah, but it ain't full proof!" He defended.

"I'm gonna kill you," she growled through clenched teeth.

As they began to bicker once more, Julian pulled out a small wooden box and set it on the table. The arguing stopped as all eyes fell on the mysterious box.

"Go ahead, open it," Julian said with a toothy grin.

The poltergeist wrinkled his nose and scratched his ear before finally leaning over to grab the box. He braced himself as he peeked inside, but his jaw dropped when he finally opened it for all to see. It was Odin's Noose. Everyone gasped as he gingerly took it out and inspected it.

Betelgeuse looked from the cord to the messenger. "Why?"

Julian looked quite proud of himself as he shrugged his shoulders. "The details on how Dave died were a bit muddled, now weren't they? No telling what would have happened if Bart hadn't of interfered. And we can't get Dave's side of things, now can we?" He looked pointedly at Lydia before returning his gaze back to Betelgeuse. "You see? Muddled."

Betelgeuse scoffed. "I can tell ya exactly what would've happened-"

"I said," Julian raised a hand to stop him from digging his own grave, "muddled. I have a lot of pull in the upper levels, dear boy, don't make me regret this. The terms are the same as they were when I first offered you this gracious gift." He was polite as ever, but there was no mistaking the warning in his voice.

"What's the catch?" Lydia voiced everyone's next question.

"As I mentioned," Julian sighed, "the terms are the same."

"I mean, what does he owe you for 'pulling' for him," Lydia demanded.

"Yeah, what she said," Betelgeuse barked.

Julian stood up and everyone else followed his lead. He stepped closer to Betelgeuse, standing almost nose to nose. He looked sad even though his smile prevailed. "I suppose there is something I want from you."

"PFT! I knew it-"

Julian grabbed Betelgeuse's face and gave him a peck on the forehead before his victim flailed his arms and rubbed at his head with the back of his hand.

"Come on, man!" The poltergeist complained. "I know I'm irresistible, and I'm not sayin' you ain't nice ta look at, but I'm taken here!" He motioned to Lydia before placing her in front of him to protect himself from further advances. He gagged for good measure.

Julian laughed and held his sides while everyone stared. It only annoyed Betelgeuse more.

"Consent these days is no joke, pal," the poltergeist grumbled.

"Oh, my, look who's talking," Julian laughed some more. "You really are a hoot. You've come a long way, my boy, I'll turn you into a hero yet." With that he faded from sight, his laughter echoing into nothingness as he did.

When he was gone completely, the women in the room burst into giggles.

Indignant, Betelgeuse adjusted his tie. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Fuckin' guy. Here I am thinkin' he's eyein' my Lyds…"

"Beej," Lydia guffawed as she wrapped her arms around him, "I don't think he was hitting on you." Her laughter died off and she patted his shoulder reassuringly. "I think you two are related."

"Oh, yeah! I thought he looked familiar," cried Prudence.

"Wow! Think he's your older, handsomer brother?" She gasped loudly. "Or your hot dad?!"

His eyes nearly popped out of his skull when he beheld Juno's pursed lips and knowing look.

"Aw, hell no!" He yelled and threw the noose on the coffee table. "I'm not taking shit from that loser! Whoever he is!"

Tucking Odin's Noose under the collar of his red and black, paisley tuxedo, Beetlejuice muttered and complained at his reflection. He was flushed and sweating anywhere and everywhere. For the death of him, he couldn't get his breathing or his mind under control. Every disastrous possibility played like a film in his mind's eye.

"Jesus-fuckin'-Christ it's like I'm wearing a goddamn garbage bag. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HOT IN HERE?!" He wiped his brow with his sleeve and narrowed his eyes at his own face looking back at him. "What are ya doin', man? Huh? Don't cha learn?" His hands shot out, grabbed the standing mirror, and shook it violently. "RUN WHILE YA STILL CAN!"

He caught Bianca's expert, judgemental gaze in the reflection. "Mom sent me to make sure you weren't getting cold feet, but you're sweating balls so, I think your feet might be hot."

Betelgeuse whipped around and pointed an angry finger at her. "You! This is your fault. If ya hadn't have proposed ta me in front of everyone with that stinkin'-cute-evil-little-face!" He paused to catch his breath. "I wouldn't be in this mess," his voice cracked with nerves.

The six-year-old rolled her eyes. "Grow up. Mom wants to see you." She smiled, turned on her heel, and left.

"Little turd." He said with a shake of his head. "God, I love that kid."

The wreck pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Four months ago, his daughter had waited for the perfect opportunity to corner him and Lydia in front of the entire family at one of their gatherings. The twerp had found their old wedding bands, placed them both into a handmade box she made at school, fished out the Handbook for the Recently Resurrected with notes and post-its to boot, she'd thrown flower petals all over the floor, and proposed to them both. Lydia immediately said yes so, what the fuck was he supposed to say? Been there, tried that - four times - no thanks? The word "sure" was all that escaped him at the time. Now he was regretting it. This kind of anxiety was torture. It wasn't worth it.

A gentle knock tore him from his thoughts. His bride was standing at the doorway and flashed him a smile.

Okay, maybe it's worth it, he thought as he looked her up and down. She was sporting her favorite colors. The dress was black all around with only one translucent sleeve but had a spackle of crimson vines that curled and wove themselves in different areas until they wrapped around her neck. She stepped inside and slowly twirled for him to see the back. The same design continued but left her back mostly exposed behind a web-like pattern. She was a beautiful, Gothic Queen.

"So?" She asked hopefully as she approached him and placed her cool hands in his clammy ones.

"I can't believe," he began with awe in his voice, "that you just waltzed in here and let me see you in the fuckin' dress," he finished scoldingly. He ignored her look of annoyance. "You know it's bad luck, right? I mean, I think we need all the luck in the fuckin' universe right now, right? I mean, you were in attendance at our last - not one but two - almost nuptials, right? Am I- not remembering correctly or wha-"

She planted a hard kiss on his lips to shut him up but slowly began a sensual conquering with her tongue. When she leaned back only slightly, he sighed with his eyes still closed. He took in a deep, steadying breath and let it out all at once with his next words. "Can we please fuck real quick, ya know, just to shake the nerves out?"

"No." She gave him another long kiss. "We planned for absolutely everything that could possibly go wrong. We'll be fine."

He still looked suspicious. "How do ya know? Huh?"

"Because third time's always a charm."

"Nah-ah-ah-ah-ah." He waggled a finger and then started to count on his hand. "Publicly shot down the first time. Actually got hitched and then dumped. Eaten by a sandworm the third time. Sent to HELL the fourth time! I'm not exactly fartin' lucky charms, babe. Someone has it out fer me!"

"It's our," she emphasized, "third try. Plus. I know for a fact, that everything will work out this time."

"Why?" He barked at her.

"As someone once taught me, my certainty is greater than your doubt." She was referring to the laws that governed the astral plane when he was teaching her how to best her opponent.

Betelgeuse couldn't help but give her a proud grin. Her belief was etched in stone. It flowed off of her and gave him strength. "I wonder what wise, ol', handsome stud taught ya that?"

They laughed together until Lydia felt something cold wrap around her wrist with a click. She held up her arm up to find herself handcuffed to her groom. Lydia glared at her soon to be husband before she realized he had popped the key in his mouth and swallowed it with a loud gulp.

"What. The. Fffffffff-"

He held up a hand to silence her. "Extra precaution, is all!" He chirped happily. "Now let's get HITCHED!"

The old Deetz residence was once more the location for the ceremony. It was to be done outdoors this time to accommodate extra guests and keep unwanted ghouls from crashing the gathering, but was close enough for the astral guests within to be able to witness their union in safety. Everyone had been prepared to deal with any kind of sudden intrusions. Juno went through the necessary red tape to officiate the wedding. All was ready.

Bianca patiently stood in front of her parents and waited for the music to cue her down the short aisle. She could feel her father's suspicious glare burning a hole through the back of her head.

"Ya got the rings right?" He gritted through his teeth.

"Yessssss." She hissed back.

"Prove it."

She shook the box in her hands with extra sass. The rings could be heard knocking around within.

"I'm not sayin' you could ruin this whole damn circus, but… you could ruin this whole damn circus, ya clown. Show me the rings," he grated.

"Bite me."

"You don't even know what that means," he rasped above her head. A heel slammed down on his foot. He jumped and hopped with exaggeration, but when he caught a twitch in Lydia's left eye, he stopped his fidgeting at once.

Bianca heard her cue and walked down the aisle with extravagant grace, her burgundy frills fluttering in the wind. The crowd murmured their approval while Bibi beamed, soaking in all of the attention. When she reached Juno's side, the music changed to a slow Medieval Waltz, and all eyes turned to the bride and groom expectantly.

The panic was back in full force. At first, he was rooted to the ground, unable to move. It was an agonizing amount of time before Betelgeuse finally and abruptly gripped onto Lydia's cuffed arm and propelled them forward, sending them down the aisle faster than was planned. All the while, he greeted the attendees breathlessly and unnecessarily.

"Hey, how are ya? Ya made it! Nice digs. Yer tits are about to bust out, ha, made ya look. Alright, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon."

He continued his muttering and mumbling while the musicians sped through their notes to keep up, which was unfortunate. It was truly a beautiful piece. People giggled and snorted at the spectacle. When they finally landed before Juno, who was shaking her head with a raised eyebrow, Betelgeuse doubled over, panted, slapped his knee, and straightened out.

"Whew! Made it. Get with it, June-bug." He snapped his fingers to hurry her up. A tinkling laugh made him look at his bride. He chuckled nervously in response to her light-hearted one. This whole thing was outrageous.

Juno cleared her throat and lifted the pamphlet, which was specially made for their union.

"Dearly departed and the living. We are gathered here today to join Lydia Deetz and Betelgeuse in matrimony. A contract that shall bind them until the death of the true living partner parts them." She looked at Lydia. "That means your death, Lydia." She nodded in understanding. Juno squinted. "That means you'll be stuck with this buffoon for the rest of your living days."

Lydia and the crowd laughed.

"Har-har. Very funny." Betelgeuse frowned and dabbed at the sweat gathering on his eyebrows.

"I understand," Lydia assured aloud with a snicker.

"Suit yourself." Juno shrugged her shoulders and continued. "The rings, please."

"I'm gonna die," the groom muttered under his breath as Bianca opened the box and pulled out the rings. He snatched Lydia's ring out of Bibi's hand as if it could disappear at any moment. Lydia gently took his.

"Do you, Lydia, take this…" Juno scoffed, "...man... to be your lawful wedded husband?"

Lydia looked over to her lover in order to give her answer while looking into his eyes, but he'd gone pale and was busy tugging at his chafing collar. "Uh, yes. Yes, I do." The crowd laughed again at her seemingly unsure response. She slipped the ring on his finger. "Hey," she whispered, "are you okay?"

Betelgeuse was breathing through his mouth so loudly that he heard nothing. Not even Juno.

"Do you, Betelgeuse, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Juno looked up to see her son drenched in sweat and his eyes rolling back. He didn't answer. His mother whacked him over the head with the pamphlet, startling him out of his panic attack.

"FUCK, what?" he whined and rubbed his head.

"Say 'yes,' you fool," she growled while the guests laughed even louder.

"Yes!" He yelled. Then he fainted.

Since they were cuffed, Lydia was jerked to the ground alongside him. She took the opportunity to quickly and forcefully peel his bloodless fingers apart in order to place her ring on her own finger. Juno ignored the gasps and clamoring from the crowd and droned out the last bit of what was necessary to conclude the wedding.

"Great. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride, yadda-yadda-yadda. Congratulations."

Everyone raced to the couple on the ground, but also made sure give them enough space to breathe.

Lydia stroked her husband's hair away from his face and kissed him. Bianca was filled with so much joy and excitement that she threw herself on her father's gut with a screech.

"OOOMMPH!" The wind was knocked out of him, but he was now awake. When he was able to open his eyes, he was surrounded by familiar faces. All of them either smiling or showing concern. For a moment he wondered how he came to be where he was, surrounded by people who actually cared for his well being, but when his eyes met Lydia's, he realized what must have happened. "Shit. Did I miss it? Did we do it? Is it done? What happened?!" He asked breathlessly.

Lydia laughed through her tears and nodded. "Welcome back, Mr. Betelgeuse Deetz."

There was only one reason she'd say his name like that. Since he had no real surname of his own, and he sure as shit didn't want Lydia and Bibi to take on the name "Horeson," he had opted to take hers. They were married. Officially. Nothing could come between them again.

"Aw, yeah. Gimme some sugar!" He puckered his lips, pulled her down, and crushed his lips to hers. His free hand squeezed her ass for all to see.

The group dispersed as they cheered while music beckoned all to celebrate.

"Now, who has the spare key?" Lydia giggled as she shook their trapped wrists.

Betelgeuse frowned. "What spare key?"

Down in the true bowels of Hell's Ninth Circle, a damned soul shivered and winced from the bitter cold. His body was frozen in a large block of ice. His head was the only thing exposed. It was difficult to open his eyes and even more difficult to think straight. Where was he? Who was he? He couldn't remember. A harsh rapping against the top of his head made his eyes snap open. A large red, horned face with yellow eyes and goatee, sneered at him. He was instantly terrified.

"Hello, Bartholomew," Baal said with a dangerous smile. "How's the weather treatin' ya?" He chuckled most darkly.

Bartholomew! He rejoiced briefly. That's my name! His memories flooded him suddenly and he felt sick to his stomach when he surmised where he was. "D-d-d-demon!" He stuttered through his convulsing. "B-b-be g-g-one!"

Baal threw his head back and laughed.

"The-the L-l-l-ord sh-shall s-s-save me-me!" He continued.

The demon snapped his gaze to his prisoner. His grin widened. "Oh, the Lord." He chuckled again. "Tell me, Chosen One, did the Lord have a booming, commanding voice?!"

That voice… no, it can't be.

"Baaaaart! You shall be my instrument and cleanse the world of unfit souuuuulsssss," he dramatized while holding one clawed hand to chest and extending the other toward the sky. "I was Thespian once upon a time. What a load o' shit you swallowed, kid. Seriously, you were too easy." He snatched Bart by the hair and looked into his pitiful, tearful eyes. "Poor, poor, Barty. You've been duped. Too bad you can't be part of our future plans. But hey, there are loads of your kind just ripe for the takin'! Small, self-righteous, little tools who think they're purpose is to clean house for some made up cause." He patted his head reassuringly. "Your torch has been passed, buddy. And someone's gotta take the rap for the shit storm you and Leonard caused." He shrugged and gave him one last smile. "You're in for a real treat."

To be continued?

AN: That's all folks! I know I left it kinda open, but this story is now officially complete. I hope you all enjoyed it. I've gotten to know some really cool people in the fandom and I wouldn't change a thing. Thank you so much for all your support, your comments, and messages.

What's next? I have a few things in mind. A couple of little things that are almost complete to add to this fandom. I do want to start tackling a longer fic in the Harry Potter fandom as well. I'm also in the research and brainstorming stage for an original novel that I've always wanted to write.

Keep in touch! You can find me on tumblr mordellestories and on Discord mordelle#9350.