Lucy flushed her toilet. She had finally found time where her team was not all up in her business, or her apartment for that matter, and was comfortable enough to empty her bowels. Considering her bathroom was only separated from the rest of her apartment by a measly curtain and the incredible likelihood of her team walking in on her while using said bathroom, she had learned to time her bowel movements to precise moments in time where she was alone.

As Lucy washed her hands with her peach scented soap, she couldn't help but shudder at the idea of Natsu being in her apartment at the same time as her, well, pooping. Gah, the embarrassment of his super senses alone allowing him to hear and smell everything made her shudder in distress. Especially during weeks like this one. She was currently having Aunt Flow visit her, which made her system make exceptionally smelly odors escape from her rear-end.

Lucy sighed in relief, and turned the water off to dry her hands on the seashell patterned towel hanging next to her sink. Sometimes she had to go days of holding it because she couldn't convince the clingy Dragon Slayer to leave her alone. It had only gotten worse after the Eclipse Gate incident when her future self was killed. Natsu had been steadfast in his opinion that Lucy could not be left to herself. He had to go wherever she went. It was more than annoying. So when she had a few minutes reprieve, she took advantage of it.

"Holy dragon turds, what the hell happened in here?"

Lucy froze. That was Natsu's voice. When had he got here? Lucy was petrified. She didn't dare move.

"Lucy's been in the bathroom since I got here, she must not feel well."

Was that Gray? How long had he been sitting in her room?

"Put your clothes on you ice pervert!"

"Whaa! When did that happen?"

"Natsu, I think something died in Lucy's bathroom!"

"Aye, Happy! I've smelled some nasty shit before, but this takes the cake. I feel like I'm stuck on a train. I hope Lucy is done in there soon."

Lucy heard the thump of Natsu falling to the ground as he started to groan in discomfort. Could this get any worse?

"Hey Lucy, you done in there? I think Flame Brain might need to pray to the porcelain god, hah-ah!"

"Gray!" Lucy squealed as he pulled back the curtain of her bathroom.

"Come on Lucy, let Natsu in before he pukes on the floor, your done, right? I heard you flush like five minutes ago," Happy chided. "Stop being so mean!"

Lucy wanted to kick them all so hard. Her face was burning red, and she was positive there was steam coming out of her ears. How could this be happening. She never even heard Gray fall out of her fireplace? Oh my god, she had been signing to herself while in the bathroom! He had to have heard. Lucy could feel herself start to lose it. Before she could react, however, Lucy was pushed roughly out of the way by Natsu, who seemed to be turning an awful green-purple color as he attempted not to breath and to hold down his lunch at the same time.

Of course this is when Erza just had to make an entrance. Lucy's front door flew open as Erza rushed in. "Lucy, I am here to defend your hon… Oh my… Gah.. What is that smell?"

"I think Lucy's on the rag this week," Gray answered with a shrug. He then cringed as Natsu could be heard retching from the bathroom. "That's nasty. Hey Lucy, do ya got any beer in the fridge?" Gray was already opening the door to her refrigerator before she could answer. As he bent down to pick up a glass bottle, he farted. Not just a little fart, a here is a trumpet, let me play it with my butt fart.

Erza requipped into her Heaven's Wheel armor before Gray had a chance to even stand up straight, "Thou shall not break flatulence in a lady's presence!"

"Aw, come on Erza, a little gas never hurt anyone."

"Except Natsu," Happy snickered as Natsu retched again.

"Oh my god, Gray, I can smell that from here!" came a groan from the bathroom. Natsu's voice was raspy and seemed to echo off the inside of the porcelain god he currently bowed over.

Lucy had not been able to move since being pushed out of Natsu's way when he stampeded her bathroom. Her eyes darted between Erza's swords and Gray, then to Happy's snickering face. Finally the ridiculousness of the situation broke her. She started laughing. Her laugh started out small but quickly built into loud heaves of joy as she gripped her stomach with one arm, and learned over supporting her weight on her knee with the other hand. She laughed so hard that she snorted, which made her laugh harder. As the first tears of laughter spilled down her cheeks she … farted.

"Ha - hah! That was almost cute, Lucy," Gray said as his own laughter joined in with the spirit mage's.

"Ew Lucy, you're such a manly girl!" Happy squealed as he flew around the room in delight, his little cat snickers turning into loud laughter at Lucy's expense. Lucy couldn't bring herself to care.

"L - Lucy! H - How co - could you?" Erza stuttered. She swung her sword haphazardly between Lucy and Gray, no longer sure who she should be the most angry with.

"Oh my god Lucy! It feels like my nose is permanently stuck in your ass hole!" Natsu gagged and then heaved at his own sentiment.

This was the statement that finally sent Gray over the edge of laughter. He tried to set his beer down on the counted as his whole body shook with laughter. "Oh god, this is amazing!" Gray had almost been able to delicately put the glass bottle on the kitchen counter when the most unexpected thing happened.

The tiny squeaker of a noise was almost lost between the gawhaffs of laughter, but when they heard it the room became dead silent before Lucy questioned, "Erza?!"

The scarlet haired warrior dropped her sword in embarrassment as Gray, Lucy, and Happy fell to the floor gasping.

"Whhyyy?!" yelled Natsu from the bathroom. "I am never breaking in agaaaainnn!"