Chapter One: A Duel at Sunset

Keitaro Urashima made his way up the steps, breathing in the warm air of that bright summers day. As he reached the top he saw the Hina Inn. He hadn't been here in years. If he hadn't received the invitation from Granny he probably wouldn't have been here for years to come. Maybe even ever.

Entering the room he found something strange. The room where new guests were traditionally welcomed was empty. Granny wasn't there. Neither was a bellboy or anyone else. Narrowing his eyes he walked in, looking around for any sign of other people.

But he found none.

Surely Granny wouldn't have called him all the way here and then not been there to greet him? Actually she might do that. Whatever.

He decided to take a look around. To his pleasure the Hotsprings were still there. However he wasn't in the mood to start bathing. And besides, something in the inn wasn't right. He quickly went to where he remembered Granny had had her office.

No one was there.

However he saw a guest list on a table. Finding it he looked at it. There were five names there:

Naru Narusegawa

Motoko Aoyama

Kaolla Sue

Shinobu Maehara

Mitsune Konno

Every single one of them was a woman. Searching through the records he noted that they had been staying here for much longer. Longer than was normal for tourists. And there was still no sign of Granny.

This was ridiculous. Keitaro had come all the way over here to visit and Granny hadn't even had the decency to be here. In disgust he put his hands in his pockets, turned around and walked for the door. He fully intended to walk down to the bus station and take the first bus back home.

At that moment the door opened and a girl walked in. She was wearing big round glasses and had long hair. A scarf surrounded her neck and she went bundled up heavily.

Keitaro supposed he could ask her for information. Maybe something had come up. 'Oh finally. I'm here to see my grandmother I was wondering if-'

She stared at him. 'A burglar!'

'What?' said Keitaro 'I'm not a burglar.'

She tried to punch him. Emphasis on tried. Keitaro was used to slipping past bullies. He slipped away from her punch and into another room. However he heard her running after him.

'A burglar!' she was screaming 'There's a burglar here!'

Wonderful. So now he was a burglar for walking into an inn. Today was just getting better wasn't it? He turned a corner and saw a thirteen-year-old blonde girl standing before him. With her were many dozens of robotic turtles. She laughed merrily.

'Get the burglar!'

That was how Keitaro found himself running for his life. From fire-breathing robotic turtles. Oh and a psychopathic redhead. It was odd how calm he was about the whole thing. Perhaps it was simply too surreal for words.

A door opened and a squint-eyed silver-haired woman came out with a golf club. 'Don't let him steal our valuables.'

He ducked under the golf club and sprinted up the stairs as quickly as he could. Even as he reached the roof however he found a beautiful black haired girl. She was clad in a white and red samurai's garb waiting for him. She held a gleaming blade in her hand.

'Vile man!' she cried. 'How dare you intrude upon the sanctity of this place!'

She came at him with her sword, but Keitaro rolled under it. Seeing some laundry hanging he snatched a towel off the line and hurled it over her as she turned to face him. Then he leaped onto the roof and ran along it before coming to a point where it was low over a balcony.

He slid down and quickly rushed down another flight of steps. With luck the girls wouldn't be able to follow him that way.

Eventually he came into a hall and saw a shy looking blue haired girl. She was holding a frying pan defensively. Keitaro sighed. However she did not act. There was a long silence.

'…So are you going to attack me like the others?' he asked.

'Um, no.' she said.

'Good.' said Keitaro 'Could you tell them that I'm not a burglar and that-'

'Get away from Shinobu!' cried a voice.

'And that's my cue to leave.' said Keitaro, before rushing past her.

Sprinting through the halls he heard his enemies pursuing him like hunting dogs. He came to the door and threw it open. Running for the stair he knew now that he could reach the bus stop and escape. Escape to freedom and never have to come back to this hellhole again.

And then he ran into a familiar face. Brown haired, a thirty-year-old pretty woman in an apron 'Hello Keitaro,' she said 'what's your hurry?'

Keitaro looked at her incredulously. Then he looked to the five girls who had slowed to a halt, all holding some kind of weapon which they meant to do him harm. He recalled a passage from his favorite book. 'Aunt Haruka. The courtesy of the Hina Inn is somewhat lessened of late.' He dodged a punch.

'Quoting Gandalf again?' asked Haruka.

'More or less.' admitted Keitaro.

'Is Gandalf something you eat?' asked the blonde girl.

'No.' said Keitaro 'He is the greatest wizard in the history of fiction.'

'Really?' said Su 'That's unfortunate. The name sounds tasty.'

'Quiet!' snapped the samurai woman 'Haruka! Why are you defending this burglar?'

'I'm not a burglar.' snapped Keitaro 'I was trying to tell you that I was here visiting my grandmother.'

'He's right.' said Haruka 'He's my nephew, Keitaro. And he's been chosen by Hina to run the dorm.'

'Wow, what a massive change to my circumstances which I was not consulted in at all.' said Keitaro. 'Where is Grandma and why exactly can't she tell me this herself?'

Haruka looked embarrassed. '…She's gone away on vacation.'

'So she was planning to spring this on me then?' said Keitaro.

'I think she thought you'd check in with me before you walked up.' admitted Haruka. 'Or that you might read the sign posted on the door.'

'Cute.' said Keitaro.

'What!' said the redhead. 'We can't have a man in charge of an all-girls dormitory!'

'Naru is right!' said the blonde girl 'That's a contradiction!'

'Um, Su, I don't think he seems all that bad.' said the blue haired girl.

'His vile presence cannot be tolerated!' said the samurai girl.

'Okay that's it, I'm going home.' said Keitaro 'I've got a part-time job flipping burgers to get back to. One which I took a vacation day from to get here. Goodbye.'

'Wait Keitaro, you can't just leave.' said Haruka.

'Why not?' asked Keitaro.

Haruka paused. 'Okay, well you shouldn't.'

'Okay let me tell you what just happened. I walked into this room looking for my grandmother.' said Keitaro 'I got attacked by a crazy berserker. Then I got attacked by a crazy girl who commands a legion of robotic turtles. Then I nearly got my head sliced off by the samurai girl who seems to think we're still in the feudal era.

'And after all of that, I find out that Granny couldn't even be bothered to show up. In fact, she took a vacation so she could foist the job off on me.

'So yeah, I don't feel like running this place. Bye.'

'Keitaro you've come all this way.' said Haruka 'At least give it a chance.'

'We shall allow no such thing.' said samurai girl 'No man will sully this place.'

'That's right.' said Naru.

'Okay, I've got an idea.' said Keitaro. 'Haruka you talk to these fine ladies and if you can get them to agree to take me on I'll go with you. You've got ten minutes.' He set his watch.

'Now wait a minute-' began Haraku.

'Nine minutes and fifty-eight seconds.' said Keitaro. 'Nine minutes and fifty-seven seconds.'

'Okay girls I'd like to talk to you in private for a bit.' said Haruka quickly.

Keitaro waited outside, listening at the door of the living room as they spoke. Haruka began well enough. 'Listen I know that this is a change for you. But I know Keitaro. He's a good person and he wouldn't dream of causing trouble for you. Just give him a chance.'

'Absolutely not.' said Naru.

'Now hold on a minute.' said the squint-eyed one. 'I think we outta give the poor boy a shot. After all, he didn't know we were living here. No sense in holding it against him.'

'Um, I don't have a problem with him Kitsune.' said blue hair.

'See, Shinobu's a good judge of character.' said Kitsune.

'Is character something you can eat?' asked Su.

'No.' said Haruka.

'Oh.' said Su. 'Well if Shinobu thinks it is all right I will give him a shot.'

Naru paused. 'Well, I guess I could… um… I guess we could give him a chance. But if he does anything perverted I'm punching him into the sky.'

Samurai girl slammed her fists on the table. 'I will not tolerate this! This place is meant for women and women alone! And anyway whomever this fool is he isn't qualified to run the Dorm. He's soft and weak and probably has never done a days work! The whole place will probably fall to pieces with him in charge of it!'

Keitaro felt something snap in him. He opened the door and marched in. 'All right hold it right there. You don't know me, lady. You've never even met me. I didn't ask to come up here and take this job. But I don't appreciate being told that I'm no good before I even have a chance to try it.

'And last time I looked you're outvoted. So I guess I am taking the job.' Wait what the hell? Why had he said that?

'Unacceptable!' roared samurai girl 'I will not allow this! I challenge you to a duel Urashima!'

Keitaro paused. '…You want to fight me for the right to run this place?'

'Yes.' said samurai girl.

'Okay. I'm game.' said Keitaro, the beginnings of a plan forming in his mind. 'We'll fight at sunset outside the gates of the Hina Inn.'

'How dramatic.' said Kitsune.

'Why not now?' asked Naru 'Get it over with.'

'I don't have a weapon, obviously.' said Keitaro, annoyed he had to mention it. 'It wouldn't be very fair if she… what is your name?'

'I am Motoko Aoyama, heir of the-' began samurai girl.

'Yeah, that's great, I don't care, shut up.' said Keitaro. 'It wouldn't be very fair if Motoko got her sword and I didn't get to use a weapon of my own.'

'Keitaro I'm not sure how I feel about this.' admitted Haruka 'Motoko is highly trained.'

'Relax Aunt Haruka.' said Keitaro 'I'll be fine. Now I've just got to go pick something up.'

The sunset, bathing the world in a dim orange light. The wind blew through Motoko's hair as she meditated there. Waiting for the time to come. Over her crossed knees was her sister's sword.

Suddenly her eyes opened. 'It is sundown and Keitaro has yet to show himself.' she said.

'He probably run off scared.' said Naru 'What a waste of time.'

'Wait, there he is!' said Shinobu.

Up the stairs came Keitaro. He was clad in a long cloak-like something out of an old western. Around his neck was a bandana and he wore a cowboy hat on his head that was drawn down over his eyes. In one hand was a staff of stout wood that looked to have been recently carved.

'Is he… wearing a cowboy hat?' asked Kitsune.

'So you have chosen a quarterstaff to face me with.' said Motoko, arising to face him with her sheathed weapon in hand. 'Foolish. No length of wood can ever compare with the majesty of the katana.'

'Oh I've chosen my weapon all right.' said Keitaro in a gruff voice. 'Now go for your girly.'

'Is he… what is he doing?' asked Naru.

'All right, the fight for the Hina Inn begins…' began Haruka, raising a flag. 'Now!'

She brought down her hand.

As soon as the signal was made every fiber of Motoko's body sprang into action. Like a tiger, she surged forward. Her blade was out of its sheath and gleaming, thirsting for the blood of its enemy. Yes, it was for moments such as this it had been forged for.

'Die Keitaro!' cried Motoko.

Keitaro threw aside his cloak, drew out a revolver and shot Motoko in the head. She felt the bullet strike her and fell backward. Hitting the ground she strained to get up. Then Keitaro fired two more shots at her.

Ow. Motoko's vision was blurry and she felt like she had been run over by a train. Her entire body was numb.

'You shot her!' cried Naru 'You psychotic pervert you shot her!'

'Relax.' said Keitaro 'Rubber bullets. Honest.'

'Was the cowboy getup really necessary?' asked Haruka.

'So she can cosplay as a samurai but the moment I dress up it's weird?' asked Keitaro.

Motoko arose with great wrath. 'Ow! Dishonorable pig! You cheated!'

Keitaro blinked. 'No I didn't. We said we'd fight a duel. Nobody ever said I had to use a sword.'

'It was implicit.' hissed Motoko.

'This coming from the person who came at an unarmed man with a sword.' noted Keitaro.

Motoko… didn't have an answer to that. 'Well… uh… I demand a rematch. This duel was not in good faith.'

'Motoko you did lose.' said Haruka 'I think-'

'No, no, I wouldn't want anyone to think that I cheated my way to this position.' said Keitaro 'I'm willing to accept a rematch. Same stakes. I promise I won't use a gun.' And he tossed aside his weapon. It landed in the dirt and the sound of it was like the falling off a mountain.

Motoko narrowed her eyes. What treachery was this dishonorable cur plotting? No matter. She would overcome it by sheer strength of will. 'Agreed.'

She snatched up her sword and readied it.

'Okay, the second duel between Keitaro and Motoko will begin…' began Haruka.

There was a moment of dead silence.

'Now!'

Now at last Motoko would avenge her humiliation. Before he had hidden behind his cowardly firearms. But now as she rushed toward him she knew he would have no choice but to meet her in single combat. And this time Motoko would be the victory!

'Die Keitaro!' she cried.

Keitaro drew out a small black object at Motoko and pressed a button. Two darts shot out and hit Motoko in the shoulder. Then Motoko shuddered and let out a cry as she felt electricity surge through her. Falling to the ground she lay there as one struck dead, drool falling from her mouth and eyes empty.

'What the hell!' said Naru 'You said no guns!'

'A taser isn't a gun.' said Keitaro. 'Still legal.'

'I gotta admit it doesn't seem fair.' said Kitsune.

'It's not my fault if she is ten centuries in the past.' said Keitaro.

Get up, Motoko, she said to herself. Get up. Get up. By willpower alone, she rose to her full height. Her sword was out. 'You have no honor! I demand another fight! And this time you may not use any ranged weaponry of any kind!'

'Motoko, you've lost twice now.' said Haruka 'I think maybe you should quit while you're behind.'

'Never!' cried Motoko 'I am strong enough to-' She stopped herself from falling over by leaning on her sword. 'I am strong enough to defeat him! I will never allow a man to defeat me!'

Keitaro tossed aside his taser and smiled. He put his hands to either side. 'Okay. Here I am. No ranged weaponry. Haruka, call the fight.'

Haruka hesitated.

'Do it.' hissed Motoko.

'Okay.' said Haruka 'The third fight between Motoko and Keitaro begins.' She sighed. 'Now.'

She was weak. Her every muscle longed to collapse. Her body demanded she fall. But her spirit was strong. It was filled with an unbreakable resolve. Motoko knew now that this was her destiny. She would defeat this man and maintain the purity of the Hina inn.

Gathering all her strength she charged. 'Die Keitaro!'

Keitaru drew out a fire extinguisher from his cloak and sprayed her in the face. The force of it knocked Motoko from her feet. Her sword went flying from her hand and she landed with a crash. Keitaro used up the rest of the payload then tossed the canister at Motoko's head.

Everything went black.

Keitaro stretched as the fire extinguisher bounced off Motoko's head.

'Motoko!' cried Naru, rushing to her side. 'You jerk!'

She surged forward and brought around her fist. It struck Keitaro hard and he reeled and was thrown backward ten feet to slide to a halt. His hat was thrown into the air and landed on his face.

'Ow.' said Keitaru.

'Are you all right?' asked Haruka.

'Why are you asking him?' said Naru. 'He cheated this time too!'

'I said I wouldn't use a ranged weapon.' said Keitaro. 'A fire extinguisher is an improvised weapon.' Then he looked to Shinobu and Sue. 'So I guess this makes me the new apartment manager. I look forward to working with all of you.' He looked to Haruka. 'We'd better call an ambulance for Motoko.'

He was going to enjoy making these girls lives a living hell. It was the least he could do for the welcome he'd gotten.

Authors Note:

So I recently got into Love Hina. I was kind of inspired to write this.

See the biggest problem with Love Hina is that the girl's abuse of Keitaro is never addressed. Meanwhile, Keitaro's spineless nature makes him less compelling as a protagonist.

Some people have written fix fics on the subject which feature Keitaro calling out the girls. Others involve the girls having reality ensue for them. Usually by having their fatal flaws ruin their lives.

My solution is different:

Just make Keitaro give as good as he gets.

If the relationship is mutually abusive it will make both parties more sympathetic.