Hi all,

This is the beginning of a new story I have written for the Babies at the Border Compilation. Over 100 terrific authors (many of your Twi favs) have come together to support this worthy cause.

To receive the compilation all you have to do is donate $10 to any of the following charities and email your receipt to babiesatthebordercomp

ACLU - fighting attacks through the legal system.

Kids In Need of Defense (KIND) - protecting unaccompanied children who enter the US immigration system alone to ensure that no child appears in court without an attorney.

Human Rights First - helping refugees obtain asylum in the U.S.

Innovation Law Lab - working in immigrant detention centers and hostile judicial districts; keeping the definitive list of kids being held.

The Young Center for Immigrant Children's Rights - promoting the best interests of unaccompanied immigrant children.

This story will be posted here in its entirety in December. Thank you for reading, or not reading if that is your choice.

Ad seen in Missed Connections section of Craigs's List:

Date: 12/04/2017

You were the gorgeous brunette with a perfect body at the Trader Joe's the day before Thanksgiving. You farted in the bread aisle. I was the guy with green eyes that asked, "Was that you?" You quickly replied, "No...It wasn't me!" You almost seemed insulted that I would ask. As the stink grew, you continued to deny the flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by by waving two loaves of ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off. You are beautiful, and even though you totally lied and fart like a Clydesdale, I want to date you.

Call Edward 555-5555

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"Dude. We're out of Fat Tire. The game is going to start in a half hour. I need my beer," Emmett says while I take more wings out of the oven.

"How the hell did you already kill the twelve-pack I put out?" I grumble. "You and Jasper have been here like thirty minutes."

"You know what my Kappa chugging record is, Ed. Twelve beers is child's play."

"Remind me to never let you play with my children."

"That was harsh," he mumbles.

"I was joking." I really wasn't. Good thing I didn't have any kids to make that an actual conversation.

Emmett and Jasper are my best friends, but they're borderline fuckups and giant man-boys. They're still in college after six years with no end in sight. Emmett keeps changing his major and Jasper is just lazy as fuck. Luckily they both don't have to worry about tuition money. Jasper's family is filthy rich, (hence the laziness), and Emmett makes mad cash as a hand model. I have to admit he has nice wrists. Basically they eat (mooch off me) and play video games.

Wait, why are they my friends again?

"So about the lack of beer-"

"Well, there's the IPA..."

"I'm not drinking that chocolate shit that has to be served in the stupid glass," Emmett protests.

"That's gross, Ed," Jasper chimes in from the couch. "No candy or fruit should be in beer."

"It's a dark Pilsner with chocolate undertones and a fruity finish," I retort. I place the freshly-baked wings onto the table that's already looking sparse after Emmett's "snack" earlier. "And the glass is important for you to be able to prolong a nice, thick head."

"Well, I do enjoy good head, but chocolate doesn't mix in with that equation. But you should do a post on how to get prolonged head for your channel. That might get more views than your cooking," he says with a straight face. That lasts for about two seconds before he's laughing with Jasper.

"I know that the top of the Pilsner I poured you was the last head you've received in at least a year. You too, Jasper." The same goes for me, maybe longer, but they don't mention that. They're too busy sputtering and looking indignant.

"Well, that's by choice, obviously," says Emmett.

"Yeah, women choose not to sleep with you," I retort.

"Hey! That's not fair," whines Emmett.

"It's funny, though," adds Jasper. He puts up his hands in surrender when Emmett glares at him. "I mean, our dry spell is mostly due to high standards."

I snicker. "Obviously. You need to find ladies with no standards." Jasper throws a nerf ball at my head. I catch it despite the pot holders on my hands. "Watch the food, fucker. You ruin this and you're on your own for dinner. I might have some ramen somewhere."

That's a lie. I don't eat fucking ramen unless I make my own noodles.

Emmett and Jasper both look panicked. Threatening them by withholding food always works. Lazy bastards. They were always eating at my place. As college students not living in dorms, they never cook any food that doesn't come in frozen tray or in a styrofoam container. So I have Guinea pigs for all my new recipes, and they have most of their weekly food taken care of.

I take a few more shots of the food I've made to post on my website. I've already recorded a video for my YouTube channel. I'm a classically trained chef, but I don't cook at restaurants anymore. It was a grueling job and I didn't get to have much of a life. That was one of the reasons for the start of my long dry spell.

I did a few Buzzfeed videos at the last restaurant I worked at and got a pretty large social media following. Jasper says it's because of my looks, but I like to think it was talent. I'm not stupid, so I know it's both. (Maybe ninety percent looks based upon the comments on my posts).

I ended up leaving my position at the restaurant to devote my time to web-cooking. I occasionally do special events for corporations or celebrities, but mostly my friends and family eat my food. Sometimes they'll appear in my videos making sounds of appreciation, which is the least they could do since I am basically their personal chef.

My job requires me to work from home or random sites which makes it really hard to meet women. I mean I can put myself on a dating site, but I think I have enough cyber-stalkers. Some of the things women want to do to me is fucking nuts. Emmett and Jasper get comments, too, whenever they show up in a video. They love that shit, but it's freaky to me.

I really need to stop reading the comments. I might be put off women forever. I've been doing a lot of "self-care" currently, since I haven't found anyone to share myself with.

Hey, maybe with all the jerking off I'm doing, my wrist will look as good as Emmett's. Fuck...that's my new goal?

I need to get out more.

"Damn, these are good, Ed," Emmett says, grabbing another handful of the wings I'd put out earlier. "So are you getting us the beer, or what? You know neither of us can drive right now."

"Text Mike or Jacob to bring some."

Jasper laughs. "Right. I think Mike had to sell his jizz to pay for rent this month. Good luck with that. He can't buy a forty of Natty Light."

"Ugh. All right. But you better not eat all the food before I get back." I know half of it will be missing when I return, so I start thinking about ingredients for some paninis I can make.