The Only Mistake, a doki doki literature club fanfic

The Only Mistake

"Can you feel my heart beating? All the pain there?" Sayori grabs my hand and places it on the left side of her chest. In any other circumstance, this would have been horribly awkward, but not after everything I have seen and heard from her today.

"I like you so much that I want to die!" She cries, letting my hand drop.

Tears stream from Sayori's eyes. Her cheeks are flushed. She takes a step backward, shaking like a leaf. I can feel the knot in my stomach grow tighter and tighter.

"W-When I'm alone, everything hurts. I d-don't know what to do with myself. All I know is that…when I'm with you…I don't feel so terrible. I…I…" She grew silent. I've never seen her so vulnerable.

This is the first time in my life that a girl has ever confessed to me, and it's my best friend, no less.

"Sayori…"

It's not like I haven't thought about it. The past few days have been wonderful. REALLY wonderful, actually. I haven't had so much fun in a long time, and that's mostly thanks to her. Sure, meeting the other girls in the club was great too. Yuri's reserved, mature demeanor compliments her quiet voice well; I like her taste in tea and listening to her talk about her literary passions. Natsuki turned me off at first, as I've never been good with firebrand-types, but I can tell she's a really nice person when she gets to know you. She made cupcakes to welcome me (well, not me, specifically) into the club, after all. Then Monika...well, I guess I know about her the least. I really should sit down with her one-on-one and get to know her. This past week flew by. Being surrounded by such pretty girls, all of whom seem to want to spend time with me and get to know me, has been amazing.

But even with four options, and I hate to phrase it that way, given everything that's happened…I kept going back to Sayori. Always. I know her. She's always been a constant in my life, and it's been a long time since I've been so sure of that. But…I don't know. I don't know what to think, what to feel. Even if I was certain I liked her back, I don't think that's what she needs, right now. She needs me to be a rock. Taking a deep breath, I tell her.

"Sayori…you are my best friend. I know I don't understand what you're feeling, but I want to. I want to help you through this. Would you listen to me if I thought I could help you?"

She nods slowly, her lip still quivering.

"Now, more than ever, you need things to stay the same, like they've always been. We've always been friends. We've been there for each other. I don't…" I hesitate. "I don't want that to change. I don't want to ruin what I think we have."

Sayori looks at the ground, saying nothing for some time. I hear a car turn a corner down the street. The wind blows softly on our skin and against our clothes.

"Y-Yeah…you're right. We should just stay friends. That's what I need…" She smiles, then starts to tremble again. "Is…this what it feels like for a spear to go through your heart?"

My eyes go wide.

"Sayori-"

She tries to reassure me, a fake smile curling her lips, but it doesn't last long. Just like that, she turns away from me and falls to her knees on the ground.

"Aaaahhhhaaaaaaahhhh!" Her wailing reverberates among the suburban walls. It feels like every vibration is bouncing directly back into my eardrums.

She jumps back up to her feet, looks at me once more, and runs away, towards her house. It would take her only 10 seconds for her to disappear behind her front door.

If I let her go, then…

Something terrible will happen.

"Wait! SAYORI!"

I sprint after her. When I actually try, she's always been much slower than me. I catch up to her and grab her wrist just before she reaches her front door.

"L-Let me go!" She tries to wrench herself from me, but I refuse to back down. I spin her around and grab her shoulders, pleading with her.

"Sayori, please, stop! Calm down!"

More tears fall to the ground. "N-No…I'm…"

I wrap my arms around her, in part to restrain her but also to comfort her. A stray coral pink strand of hair dances in my face to the wind, and it smells like strawberry and kiwi shampoo. Sayori tries to push against my chest, but I plant my feet firmly on her concrete porch steps. Slowly, her resistance falls. Her arms go limp – she doesn't hug me back.

"I don't want to leave you like this. Please."

"P-Please…Just l-let me go…"

"I can't do that, Sayori."

"W-W-Why? I don't deserve your care. Please just leave me a-a-alone…"

It's a tough call. I want to respect her wishes and not come on too strong, but that's not the first time I've heard her say that. I haven't heard it often, but I have heard it once, I think when we were kids. I went over to her house one day without telling her beforehand. She answered the front door with tears in her eyes and told me to go away. She closed the door in my face. I remember wondering what was wrong, but I never did bring it up again. I regret that now.

This time will be different. My gut tells me what she said just now isn't true. Sayori desperately needs someone right now.

I glance to our right; her parents' car is gone, so they must be out. I wonder when the last time I saw them was, but their absence means I NEED to be that someone.

I can't make her feel like a burden, so I choose my words carefully. "Please, Sayori…I want to spend time with my best friend right now. Just like old times." I break our embrace but grasp her shoulders. "Come to my house. Please. I need you right now."

"B-But…I'm useless and horrible and you'd just be w-wasting your time on me…"

"No, you're not. You're wonderful." I speak quickly, maybe too much so. She might misinterpret my words as just me trying to prevent her from racing to hide in her house. But I really do mean them.

I pause for a second, softening my gaze on her. "You really, really are. I want you to come to my house."

Sayori scans my face. Eventually, she says, "F-Fine…if it will make you happy."

"It would. Very much so."

I take her by the hand and walk her to my house.

I unlock the front door and we step inside. It occurs to me that it's been an even longer time since I brought her over to my house. I'm glad to make up for it. I was always the one to go over to hers when we were kids. It's funny; it never really bothered her parents. I think they liked me spending time with her. She never really had any other friends growing up; in fact, not since the literature club have I recalled meeting anyone else close to her. Her mother used to make the best oyakodon for dinner. We even had sleepovers, which I guess crosses a boundary, according to some people and some anime, but her parents never protested. Then again, we were just kids. Maybe they wouldn't be so understanding nowadays.

Er, not that I'm thinking anything's gonna happen…

I snap out of my thoughts to look at her. She eyes around the living room, holding her free hand in front of her face as if to shield herself from something. She doesn't look at me.

"O-Okay…I'm here. What do you want to do?"

As if on cue, my belly rumbles. I was so preoccupied with making cupcakes with Natsuki and decorations with Yuri back to back today that it didn't occur to me to eat anything. The sound draws Sayori's gaze, and for the first time since she told me she suffered from depression, she cracks a smile.

"Why don't I make us something to eat?" I need to calm down a little. I'm still speaking quickly, worryingly. I need to act a little more normal.

"N-No…that's okay. I'm not hungry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Maybe I should be playful?

I shrug. "Okay. I'm just gonna make some EGGS and TOAST. All. For. My. Self." I smirk at her, spotting the salivation I've induced in her mouth at the thought. It's her favorite, after all – she has it for breakfast every single day.

"Okay, actually, could I have some, please?" She asks bashfully.

I laugh. "Of course you can. You can have as much as you want. You deserve it."

"O-Okay…thank you."

Okay, good call.

The next hour or two flies by. We sit on my living room's couch in front of the TV, eating our food together. By the time she started devouring her meal like a hungry puppy, she had perked up immensely. With what I know now, it's hard to tell just how much of it is genuine and how much is just to put my mind at ease. I somehow feel like I'm doing the right thing, but…

We haven't really said much. Sayori's always been a little too preoccupied to talk when she eats anyway, but I'm struggling to think of something to say. She's hasn't quite noticed I've been staring at her for the past minute, simply enjoying the sight of her smile with a mouthful of toast.

On the tv, Taiga creepily tells Ryuji, "FOUND YOU AT LAST!" Hahaha…one of my favorite lines from Toradora!

"This is shooooooo good~!" She hums happily.

"It's just buttered toast!" I say, matching her energy.

She swallows. "Yeah, but it's sooooooo good~!"

I chuckle, but it occurs to me that a few days ago, I would have acted exasperated with her, and I inwardly chastise myself for ever being short with her.

By force of habit, I pat her head, gently caressing her hair just like old times. She gasps and blushes. I stop myself.

"U-Um…sorry," I sputter. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that, given all that's been said today—mixed signals and all.

"N-No, please…it feels nice…" She gives me puppy dog eyes, and my heart skips a beat. Of course she wants me to keep going. She told me she's in love with me.

Am I crossing a line, here?

I nervously reach and place my hand on her head once more. She closes her eyes, as if to focus on the sensation, like it will never happen again.

"Y-You know…" I need to say something, anything. The silence is too awkward otherwise. I miss the days where it wouldn't have been. "F-For as long as I have known you, you've had short hair. Why? Is it just easier to take of, or…?"

Sayori nods into my hand. "Yeah, pretty much. At least, that's what my Mom always said. She's always had it cut this way, ever since I was little. She said it saved money on shampoo and time getting ready for school in the morning. I've never minded. It's always made her happy."

I caress the red ribbon adorning her hair. "And the ribbon? Her idea or yours?"

"Ehee…it was my idea! You know my favorite color is red. I spotted it while shopping a few months ago and found it cute, so I bought it!"

I chuckle. "That sounds like you."

"Yeah, I guess it does."

My hand pauses. "You guess?"

"Huh?" She looks confused.

Before I can stop myself, I say, "Do you really think it's cute, or are you just saying that because you think it's what I'd expect to hear from you?"

She is taken aback. "W-What? Don't be silly…"

Too late to back down, now. It's probably not the most pleasant concern to raise, but it's been slowly gnawing at the back of my mind. "No, I'm serious, Sayori. Can I...Can I trust you to be real with me, right now? I don't want you to feel like you need to keep acting the same way just for me. All of this feels just like you, but only the version of you I've known all my life. Up until today, I didn't know you had depression all your life, and bottling up your true emotions, whatever they may be, surely isn't good for you."

Sayori sighs and smiles sadly. "Okay. You want me to explain myself? I eat food and wear this ribbon everyday and I still hate myself, okay? It's not like they make me happy, exactly, but they don't make things worse, either. I can still appreciate them, just like I can still appreciate writing poems, or pieces of toast, or sunshine, or whatever else. But everything else I'm feeling is still there. It never goes entirely goes away, not even on my best days."

"Oh…Okay, I guess that makes sense." I wonder about her worst days but figure we could talk about that another time. For now, it's better to just ease myself into her reality.

She blows some air between her lips. "You don't really know anything about depression, do you?"

I rub the back of my neck nervously. "I guess I don't. I don't have any experience with it…I'm sorry for even asking, Sayori. Just me overthinking things."

"No, it's not. You're worried about me." A light blush grazes her cheeks. "I really do appreciate that. If you have questions, I should answer them."

"Can you just tell me when I'm being ridiculous, please? I don't want to make things worse for you."

Sayori gives me a genuine smile. "Of course. But let me ask you something, then. Can you trust me enough to believe that I'm being honest with you? Ever since I told you about my depression, I've been nothing but truthful with you about everything."

"That depends. Can I trust you enough to keep on trusting me enough to keep on trusting you to be honest?" We both laugh.

"Yes, I can."

I'm back outside my house, in my neighborhood. It's the day of the festival. I wait around for Sayori to come and meet me, since we agreed to spend the day together, but she's nowhere to be seen. Even after everything she told me, I decide to walk to school by myself.

Upon reaching the club's normal meeting place, an otherwise unused classroom, I peer through the window. I see the shadow of a figure inside. It's…surprisingly difficult to make them out, even though the blinds are open and sunlight is pouring directly into the room. Weird. I don't think much of it, though, as I turn the knob and step inside.

"Oh, hey!" Monika greets me, placing a small box onto one of the desks. The room is a little messy with papers and supplies for the festival. "Good morning!"

"Good morning." I walk over to her. "Am I early? I would've thought Natsuki would be here by now, at least."

"Yeah, I dunno. I haven't heard from either her or Yuri yet today." She giggles and leans forward in my face. Her green eyes are penetrating, almost hypnotic. She's horribly cute. I back up slightly, blushing. "But hey, at least you're here." She cocks her head to one side. "I'm kinda surprised Sayori isn't with you, though."

"Yeah, well…I waited outside her house for a good while before giving up. I'm sure she'll be here any minute."

"You think so? I mean, you did leave her hanging, yesterday." Nothing about Monika's demeanor has changed upon saying that, but somehow, the room's atmosphere has. I suddenly feel a slight chill.

"W-What are you talking about?"

"Did Sayori not confess her feelings to you yesterday?"

"How…did you know that?" It wasn't exactly something I wanted to broadcast. Nobody likes drama happening in their friend group, especially when said drama could compromise possible budding relationships!

"She told me. I texted her about some festival work she could help me with and she mentioned she was too preoccupied to do anything. I asked her to clarify, and…yeah."

"Oh…Well, yeah. She confessed to me, and I didn't really know what to say."

Maybe it's just my imagination, or the sunshine surrounding us, but Monika's eyes seem to flash for a moment. "Do you like her?"

"I…" Hm. I must be careful, here. Saying the wrong thing could be bad…but at the same time, those eyes beg for honesty. "I…don't know. It's something I need to think about, I guess."

Monika blinks, and it's the first time I've noticed her do so. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah…But that doesn't really matter, right now. Frankly, I think a romantic relationship with me is the last thing she needs." I think for a moment. "Monika, you talked to her yesterday, right? Did she really seem fine to you? Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but you're her friend too. Before she confessed to me, she was telling me how she's suffered from depression all her life. I'm under the impression she's been having a real hard time, lately. Like, maybe more than we first realized on Friday."

Monika breaks our gaze to turn around and walk over to a box. I couldn't really tell from where I was standing what she was doing – it was like she was just pretending to do something.

"I'll be honest. I've never been really good at helping people with their problems like that. I don't really like to get involved too much, and I don't mean that in a selfish way, because I do care about Sayori and I want to help her, but I usually just find it's best to let people sort their problems out for themselves – let them come to you if they need you. I basically told her I would be there for her if she needed me. It's not polite to just butt in. At least-" She faces me again. "That's how I see it. But I'm not as close with her as you are. You probably have more of a right to do that than I do."

"Do you think I should be more proactive with this whole situation?"

Monika smiles. "I can't say. That's something you need to figure out yourself. Maybe you'll get the chance to, later today. Or maybe not. I dunno." She returned to her apparent duties on the desk beside her. "Oh, have a look in that box over there. It's full of our programs for the festival. You might want to practice reciting your poem out loud once or twice before we go on."

"Right." I walk over and pull one out. It has a simple pink and red art design, almost like a Valentine's Day card—I bet any guy would be happy to receive one! I open the first page and it contains a program list for our panel. It looks like Monika is first, followed by Natsuki, then Yuri, then me, and finally, Sayori. I read on through the next few pages and see each of our poems. I recognize Natsuki's and Yuri's as ones we've read to each other already. Mine is just a random one I found online that I thought Monika would like. Monika's looks new, "The Only Mistake"; I'll check that one out in a second.

I flip to the last page to Sayori's. I expected hers to also look familiar, but this one looks new too. The title immediately catches my eye. I frown, but it only gets worse as I read on.

GODPLEASEFUCKMYMINDFORGOOD

Get out get out get out get out get out get out

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD

I can't breathe

Yet I won't pass out

I can't eat

Yet I won't starve to death

I can't think

Yet thoughts spite me

I can't feel

Yet there is only pain

There is only pain, here

She said it, she said it

She said it and won't let me forget it

There is no escape

Endless, endless

This poem is bloodletting

Ingest it and you're poisoned

Might as well put strings in it

It's a broken toy you've made into a dancing skeleton

For a poem is never truly finished

It just stops moving

By this point, my blood has run cold. The sunshine outside has grown almost blindingly bright. Everything is strangely silent. The program falls from my hands.

Just like that, Monika suddenly appears right before me. "Oh? What's wrong? You're as pale as a ghost!"

"Monika, did you read Sayori's poem?"

"Oh, that? Yeah, I did. But it's fine. It's just a poem!" She smiles, but it only makes me feel worse. Her demeanor SCARES me. Does she even care? I suddenly don't want to be around her. I don't want to be in this room.

"I…I've gotta go."

As I race out of the classroom, I hear Monika giggle and say, "Tell her I said hi!"

I sprint through the corridors, outside, all the way back to where Sayori and I live. My sides are killing me, but I make it to her house. Some birds chirp on some tree branches nearby. Her parents' car is gone from the drive way. On my keychain, there's a spare key for Sayori's house that her parents got for me years ago. It occurs to me I haven't used it in ages. I unlock the front door and step inside.

"Sayori? You there?" The foreboding emptiness of the living room and kitchen forces me to stop. Bits of dust dance in the sunlight peering through the kitchen window. I catch my breath and bound around the corner to see an empty bathroom, plus the closed door of her parents' room.

If she's here, she'd be on the second floor, probably in her room. Dumbass.

"Hey, Sayori!" I call out as I walk briskly up the stairs.

I reach her door. "Um…maybe I'm just being a little paranoid. But uh, you didn't wake up this morning and I was getting a little worried. Well, actually, I, uh, read your poem, the one you're going to read for the festival, and, uh, it just sort of freaked me out, so…" No response. "Sayori?" No answers after the first, second, or third time I knock, each louder than the last. I take a deep breath. I know I'm breaching her privacy by barging in like this. Well, if everything's fine, she can scream all the obscenities that she wants at me. I just need to see her.

I reach for the doorknob.

"Sayo-" The door opens all the way. She's there.

My whole world as I have known it has just evaporated, for there, hanging from the ceiling by a noose, cold and dead, is my best friend. The person I first met as a little kid and became best friends with. The person I picnicked with all the time. The person who always humored me by going on adventures with me. The person who visited me in the hospital every day when I had that biking accident. The sweetest person I have ever known. Her eyes, normally cerulean blue and full of exuberance, are almost gray. Her skin is as pale as a gravestone.

She barely hangs a foot off the ground. There's a misplaced chair knocked to her side. I remember reading, ironically in some motherfucking book Sayori loaned me one time, that in the old days, hangmen would leave a decent-sized descent for the guilty to fall, so that when they would fall to the point of the rope being pulled taut, the tension built up would be so great that their neck would snap instantly, and they would not have to suffer a slow death of asphyxiation. It was a small mercy in an otherwise barbaric mode of execution. Looking at this scene, I KNOW Sayori did not have that luxury. She suffered then as she did while she lived.

My knees buckle. I fall to the floor, but I can't stop seeing it. Even when I close my eyes, she's there. Out of grief, anger, and hatred for myself, I start to slam my head against her floor. I pound until my forehead starts bleeding. My blood buries my slight reflection in the smooth, shiny wood, so I no longer have to look myself. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to gaze in a mirror again.

"This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, THIS ISN'T FUCKING HAPPENING…" But it was. It had. This is what my life and her life had been building up to, for over a decade. It was etched into our DNA.

It won't end. Even as the birds continue to chirp outside and the blood flows from my nose, nothing changes. I look up and she's still there. I know I should call someone, her parents, 911, all that shit, but I can barely even move. I hate myself for being so selfish and not being able to save her. For not saying goodbye.

It feels like hours upon hours upon hours of hopelessness, but slowly, I manage to calm down. I lay on my side, dimly gazing at the wall adjacent to the one my best friend is hanging in front of.

It's a wonder I don't wake up. Normally, bad enough nightmares like these rouse me from my sleep, not just ones as strangely lucid as this one. I force myself to concentrate and feel a strange new warmth wash over me.

The scene around me changes. I'm still sitting there, crying, but everything's different. I'm now alone in a forest. The leaves of the 10-foot tall trees block out a dying afternoon sunlight. I look around, but nobody else is there, yet beyond some bushes nearby, I hear the sound of children.

I get up and walk over, moving through green arms. Beyond them, I see a small clearing and a pond. Ducklings follow their mother onto the surface. As I watch curiously, I hear laughter.

"Look! Aren't they cute?" A little girl with light pink hair, no older than 8, wearing a light pink sun dress points out the little yellow fuzzballs. She's sitting on a small blanket, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in her other hand.

At her side is a boy with short brown hair wearing a light blue t-shirt and blue shorts. He reaches into a small brown basket and pulls out his own sandwich. This is his third one – his new friend HAD said he could help himself, and he was hungry. Some distance away, the parents of the young girl sit on a bench and watch their child have fun with this little neighborhood boy who just moved in down the street. Golden rays of sunshine sparkle on the ripples of the water.

I hear wonder. I see childhood innocence. I feel joy.

Then…pain. The awfulness of nostalgia.

This dream, this memory, whatever the hell it is…has started to hurt too much, and I feel myself collapse into tears yet again. I keep repeating to myself that I am in a dream, and slowly, by sheer force of will, I pull myself out of it and wake up. I know it might sound weird, but I've done that before, though it takes considerably more effort to do that than to just change the dream.

The real world slowly fades back in. Blinking the sleepiness away, the first thing I become aware of is a few rays of sunshine landing on my bedroom wall. After a few more moments, I start to feel myself physically, and inhale sharply when I realize the mess of limbs I find myself in.

Oh no.

Sayori and I stayed up watching movies late. We didn't really talk about things we probably should have. In fact, we didn't talk much to each other at all. Maybe that's what she needed. Maybe talking about those things would have killed her.

By 10 o'clock, she checked her phone for the first time that night, only to find a text from her parents saying they wouldn't be back until the following evening – some sort of work obligation they couldn't get out of.

"I guess I better go," Sayori had said, yawning and stretching. "I'm tired."

That sinking feel in my stomach struck again. Pitifully, I couldn't let myself set her free now either. "No…wait. You can stay here for the night."

Her face flushed. "W-What? Come on, we're not kids anymore!"

"I know that."

"I really think I should be getting home, and we've spent a lot of-" She yawns. "Time together today."

"I know we have. But I really had fun."

"So did I…but…"

"You sound tired. You can just save yourself the trouble of walking home by staying here. It's kinda late, anyway. I have extra toothbrushes in my bathroom – you can of course use one. You can sleep in my bed and I'll sleep on the couch here."

"No, please don't do that…"

"Well, you're not sleeping on the couch!"

"Okay, then why don't we…!" Sayori grew quiet. If it weren't for our history together, then maybe I wouldn't have taken the next step in my mind. I think she knew what I was going to say.

"Or…we could both sleep in my bed together." It wouldn't be the first time, but of course the context would be different. I know it was insensitive of me to even suggest this after she confessed to me, but I was tired at the time too. I also knew she and I could have, would have argued about her sleeping arrangements all night long. I would not have let her leave, and maybe she saw that resolve in my eyes. Besides, I couldn't shake that ugly bubbling in my stomach. I needed something, anything to convince her to stay so that I could keep an eye on her.

God, I sound like a jealous boyfriend, so hypocritical…but what if something happened in the middle of the night and I didn't realize it until the next morning, when it was too late?

I had still expected Sayori to argue with me, but she didn't.

"Alright…" she had whispered, still blushing.

Ten minutes later, we had laid on opposite sides of my bed. The open curtains let in some light from the streetlights outside the window. She hadn't needed to tell me to do that; I remembered how Sayori never liked to sleep in total darkness, keeping a night light until she was 12 and relying a bit on her bedroom window now. The digital clock on my nightstand had read 10:22pm. Sayori faced the rest of my room, while I could feel my breath bounce back into my face from the wall. She really hadn't done anything all day, so a shower wasn't necessary. Me, I normally take quick showers anyway, but last night, I was in and out. We both took turns brushing our teeth. Nothing much was said – I had asked her which side of the bed she wanted, we said "Goodnight" to each other, and that was pretty much it. Had we spent any more time thinking about this arrangement, we might have ditched the whole idea altogether.

I think shortly before I fell asleep, something occurred to me to say to her, but as I heard her delicate, rhythmic breathing, I realized she was asleep, and I quickly followed suit.

This morning, I can't remember what it was. Not that it really matters, because I have bigger problems right now. This little arrangement I find us in must have happened while we were asleep. Sayori and I have our legs interlocked and our arms wrapped around each other like a pair of new lovers. Maybe it was cold late last night, or maybe she woke up in the middle of the night and latched onto me…or maybe I did this in my sleep. Maybe she was the warmth I felt, that rescued me from that horrible vision of her death…

So yes, this is awkward, but this position saved me from the worst thing I can imagine happening. She's still here in this world. My best friend hasn't left me.

In spite of myself, I start to sob. Fresh tears join the dried ones on my face I must have cried in my sleep.

I rest my face against her neck, my arms tightening around her abdomen, our legs crisscrossing further…it feels nice. She smells nice. We are so close that I can feel her heart beating through her chest…and upon that realization, I discover we are chest to chest. My face burns, but I refuse to disturb her. I decide then that I will lay there until she wakes up. Hopefully it isn't too creepy of me…

I listen to her soft breaths. She sounds peaceful, which makes me happy, knowing at least whatever dream she is having offers her some respite from the real world.

I start to think more about the past, and where things stand now. And I start to think about what I want to do when she wakes up. What I need to say.

Eventually, she slowly rustles. I close my eyes out of anxiety, even though she wouldn't be able to see they're open. My heartbeat is probably giving away the fact I'm awake anyway.

I hear a light gasp. Several seconds pass, but she doesn't move. I hear her sniff, and she tightens the embrace. Wetness touches my neck. My heart beats faster. She must know, but she's not saying anything.

Damn it…

I slowly pull away from her. There's no point in pretending to wake up. Blue eyes meet brown. Tears drip down her cheek.

"Good morning, Sayori…"

"Good morning…"

We don't say anything else. I start to get up. Sayori quickly reaches for me, her pale hand sliding across my chest.

"W-Wait…Wait. Can I just look at you for a while?" Sayori asks meekly.

I slowly nod, settling back down, and we gaze in each other's eyes.

So much time passes I notice the sunshine on the wall change tone.

After a while longer, I say, "Sayori…do you remember when we first met?"

"Hm? Vaguely…I know we were very young. Maybe 7 or 8?"

"Yeah. We met outside of the forest. At the park we used to go to all the time."

Sayori's face lights up. "Oh, yeah! We used to go there and have little adventures! Ehee, you loved RPGs even back then, so we would pretend to fight monsters and cast magic and level up and stuff!"

I smile. Even though it'd be silly for us to do that kind of thing now, back then, it felt so grownup, donning the roles of our favorite heroes.

"Yeah…I remember my nickname for you was Aeris. You were the healer."

Sayori blushes. "Yeah, and you were Cloud…I used to save you from dying all the time…"

"Yeah…"

"I remember one time you ran off somewhere on your own. You said you wanted to protect me from some 'big evil boss,' and that it'd be safest if I stayed put. But then you didn't come back for a while, so I started wandering around looking for you. I was starting to get scared, when I heard a yelp not too far away. I ran towards the sound and I found you. You had tripped and scraped your knee pretty badly." Her chin followed by her mouth slip further into the covers. "I think I kissed it, saying it would make it all better." Something in her eyes changes. "But you thought it was gross…"

I frown. Yeah, that sounds like something I would say, back then.

Thankfully, Sayori doesn't linger on that. She continues, "For as long as I can remember, you've always loved going into the woods. Why?"

That fact is not lost on me either. I probe my mind for the reason why. "Well, my earliest memory was when I was 2. I remember my Mom left me in her friend's daycare. When nap time came, her friend played this video. I don't remember all the specifics, but I do remember this tree. It was like a tree in the middle of the night. I remember it being the most tranquil, peaceful thing I had ever seen. I've been wondering if that's why I love trees so much."

"I never knew that about you." Sayori smiled. "But it explains a lot. Since I've known you, there have been a few times where I've seen you staring at trees randomly in a daze, especially early in the morning or early in the evening. You seem to really like sakura trees in the spring.

Sayori standing in front of a sakura tree as the pink petals fly around her.

"Yeah, they're my favorite kind."

"I'm glad there are still things I can learn about you. Ehee…"

"…You know, I'm…I'm really sorry that I haven't been there for you so much the past few years. Maybe if I was, we'd know everything about each other by now." My grip on my bedsheets tightens.

"Oh…That's s-sweet of you to say. Thank you."

I hear my phone buzz on the other side of the room. We ignore it.

Then I think about my nightmare again. The blood on her fingers. The rope around her neck.

"U-Um...Sayori?" I stammer.

"Yes?" She whispers.

"You haven't...thought about...hurting yourself, have you?" The change in tone of our conversation is jarring, I'm sure, but I've been thinking about it since yesterday. I remember catching Yuri quickly rolling up her sleeve when I came back to my room. I thought I saw a trace of something red on her arm. When I get closer to her, I want to talk to her about it. I think about that now because I wonder if Sayori is capable of doing something like that too. Coupled with Natsuki telling me that every day is so hard for her, and it strikes me that no one in the club seems to be really happy or normal. Just Monika, but who knows if she's hiding some pain from us too?

Shock pops up on Sayori's face. She opens her mouth to speak, probably to deny it out of impulse, but no words come out. Instead, she looks away, up at the ceiling.

"Sayori, please..."

She closes her eyes, as if in pain. "...Yes, I have." Her voice is the squeak of a mouse in church.

I'm not surprised, but it still hurts to hear. My heartbeat picks up its pace. "Have you actually done anything?"

She looks at me. "No, I haven't.

"Good...Good. U-Um, not even on your worst day?"

"No. I promise."

I want to smile, but I can't.

She blinks. "Do you think I would?"

Sayori hanging from a rope.

"I...had a really bad nightmare last night." Under the covers, I grip my bedsheets, hard. "I dreamt that I walked in in you...h-hanging from the ceiling." My eyes sting. "It was too late to save you…"

Her eyes go wide. For a moment, everything is still and silent. Then, she starts to shiver.

"W-What is it?" I inch closer to her, reaching out to touch her arm.

"I-I-I...b-bought a rope, a few days ago..." She starts to cry.

…Oh.

"Oh, Sayori…"

We hold each other. My phone buzzes again.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry…I'm s-s-so sorry…"

"Sayori…" I stroke her back and her hair. How in the world did my dream…? Lucky guess? But it doesn't matter. Nothing else matters except her.

"Sayori…please tell me I'm not too late."

"…"

I try to lift her chin up to meet my eyes, but she pulls away. She won't look at me. I start scrambling, trying to think of what to say.

"I…want you to know that I will always be there for you. I want to help you. I want to do everything I can to help you."

"…"

"I…I don't want you to leave, Sayori. Not like that. Never like that. Please…let me help you."

Still, she won't look at me.

"…Did I make a mistake, Sayori?"

Do I really want to try again? Can she handle me reversing it?

I feel a sharp resistance in my body, but I press on. This needs to be said.

"I…I think I'm falling in love you. Or maybe I was always in love with you. I don't know. Yesterday, I told you something I don't think I really meant. I mean, I did at the time-" It all started just pouring out. "I meant it because if I said yes to your confession, then I wouldn't want you to become dependent on me. In your current state, I don't think that's healthy. I want to help you find a way to be happy on your own first. But now, I think I'm not being completely fair to you by basically lying to you either. Please don't think I intentionally p-played with your emotions. I really didn't try to. It's just…just…I don't know. All I know is that I need you. I love you. I couldn't live without you."

She finally looks at me again. The light that I know and love in those blue eyes has returned. She blushes, and more tears fall. My phone buzzes for a third and final time.

Before I know it, I'm kissing her. I'm kissing her all over. It's honestly very sloppy. I only know what I do from anime and manga, having never actually done this in person before. Her neck, her cheeks, her forehead…everywhere I can, except her lips. I don't have the courage to go that far. I want her to be the one to make that call, for me to take her first kiss, for me to give her my first kiss.

There's nothing left for me to say, and actions speak louder than words anyway. I know it's not fair to her to do this, but none of this is, so I really don't care.

Is this love or is this lust? Think for one second.

"Ah…mm…" She moans as I focus more and more on her neck. She seems to like it, but I start to lose confidence in myself anyway.

"Do you want me to stop? I'll stop."

"N-No…it's okay…I want this." She leans further into me, and I oblige. Her hands run over my arms, then down my back, and against my chest. After a time, she starts kissing me back. Lips brushing on my neck is one of the nicest sensations I've ever felt.

"Okay…Can I kiss you?"

"Um…i-isn't that what you're already-"

"No, I mean…" I pull away, so I can face her. Her face is even redder than before – it's almost enough to match her hair, now. I'm still nervous so I reach up and graze her lips with my finger, not even being able to say the words.

"O-Oh…" She looks away, but a small smile pops up on her face. "It's been a while…"

"Huh?"

"Oh, d-don't you remember?"

"N-No...?"

"When we were kids, we gave each other our first kiss."

"We did?"

"Yeah…one day in the forest. You told me you were tired of waiting for it to happen, so we just…we kissed."

Did that really happen or is she just saying that?

Now that she mentions it, that does sound kind of familiar. We must have been really young, though, as I would have thought I would remember that. But then, maybe I decided one day afterwards that it didn't exactly count, as we were just little kids, and she was just my friend. I must have never thought about it again. Yet, given Sayori's confession yesterday, I'm not surprised she'd remember that so clearly.

"Wow…yeah, I forgot all about that."

"Ehee…yeah. It's funny, how our memories differ, huh?"

"Yeah…Is that when you decided you liked me?"

"…I think so. I've…replayed that moment in my head many times since then."

Honest to a fault.

"Well…do you want to replay it again? For real this time?" Smooth.

"…Yes…" Sayori closes her eyes and leans forward.

I do the same. I feel her breath on my face. Then, I feel the warmth emanating from her own.

Wait.

Our lips meet for the first time, again. I feel Sayori sigh contentedly.

Hm…maybe this was the right thing to do all along. Maybe we do belong to-belololong 2222222,fnglkdshffsdhlesjskjdbfjlksbvljvawlkcwnkadwnklkldncszlkcsaklndsnknlzd

Sayori comes closer and wraps her arms around me. It's nice and sweet and romantic and everything all the anime, manga, and dating sims make it out to be. I could lie here forever with her. I want to lie here forever. I belong to her now.

The kiss grows deeper. Before I can stop myself, my tongue pokes through my lips and drapes across hers. She opens her mouth almost instantly and we start Frenching. It feels so good…

WaitLsfjbefjleklrfndlkfndlkfndklfkldknflnlkwhycantidnlkcnsdknselknclksfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckkkkkkkkknnclndknwhycantistopitskldnlfnlskdnslknclknkl

We pull away from each other to breathe. She takes my hand in hers and places it on her chest, above her heart. It's beating rapidly, just like mine.

"D-Does it still hurt, there?"

She doesn't answer, but her face says a thousand words; instead, she rubs my hand around her breast. I expected to feel a bra underneath her shirt, but there isn't one; she must have disrobed it before going to sleep last night.

She comes in for another kiss and I oblige, my hand continuing its ministrations, even after her own has dropped.

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"S-Sayori…" She climbs on top of me.

STOP STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP eflnedjsngljsefglkjsdflgkjbsdkjlfgnlksdfjglkjsdfgljsdfklgjnsl;dkj-dlsndlfnlk7686568978967476578789658ditvhjhg6tyvry78656estrdytuu65rucervtyuytygrdrty

I think I know what we both want to do. It's pretty wild and scary. This has all happened so fast. To be honest, I wondered if it would ever happen to a guy like me. But here I am, and I am so glad it's with her.

Sayori. My best friend and the most beautiful girl in the world.

She and I start to-

…

It's Monday morning…again. Ugh. Gotta get up, gotta eat breakfast, gotta get ready for school…Same old routine.

I step out my front door and lock it, beginning the familiar 15-minute or so walk. I don't hate school, not outright. I mean, I know I'd become a NEET if I didn't have something besides anime and manga to occupy most of my time, and not every subject is terrible – just English, Writing, Math, and Science. That's most of them, I know, but I like History, at least.

Really, though, it's not the schoolwork that bothers me the most; it's all the couples. I swear, most of the people I see everyday on my way to and from school, between classes, and during lunch have boyfriends or girlfriends. I can't help but feel inadequate, compared to them. I've never been remotely close to any girl to ask her out. It's not like I can't talk to girls whatsoever, but I guess I just don't know how to go down that route with them. I don't know what to say.

Sigh…it is what it is. Maybe one day it will happen.

The school day itself goes by in a flash…at least, my last period does. Turns out I fell asleep. It's a wonder the teacher didn't notice and bring his wrath down on me, like I've seen him do with plenty of other students.

I stretch my arms, yawning.

"Hello!" I hear a bright, cheery voice. It sounds vaguely familiar. I turn toward it.

"O-Oh, hi!" I say. Standing before me is a girl wearing our uniform. She has beautifully long brown hair tied up by two white ribbons. Her emerald green eyes look kindly down at me. Her mouth is curved upwards in a wide, genuine smile.

It's Monika!