Anxiety

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"Gah." Donnie nicked his finger trying to put the top of his Hakama together. The last time he had to wear this was for the celebration in him and his brothers name for being named dragon. Now…

Well now they are going for a funeral.

A funeral isn't the word Master Splinter wanted to use for this engagement. They weren't mourning Michelangelo in the traditional way but instead celebrating the life he had and the lives he touched. Which was a lot.

Donnie remembered struggling with this pin before the last time he had to wear it but this time felt more challenging than before. Was it because this time it wasn't in celebration for their accomplishments for saving the world for the hundredth time but instead a mockery of their failure as a team. Or was it because he knew in his gut that this wasn't going to be a picture perfect ceremony?

Thinking too hard, he slipped again pricking his finger once more.

"Fuck.." He mumbled. What a trivial thing.

"Here." A deeper voice entered his head as Raphael walked around fully dressed. "Let me help." He said head down and shooed Donnies hands away. Donnie didn't fight Raphaels help. The past couple of days leading up to the ceremony Raphael has done his part to help their father set up and prepare with the elders of the Battle Nexus to make sure everything was perfect. Donnie looked up at the red banded turtle's face to see the strain in his eyes from the sleepless nights. Was it from the preparations?

Or was it from the agonizing guilt.

"There." Raph said in a low tone, padding the top of Donnie's chest. He gave him a small smile but Donnie could see just how sad it was.

"Thanks Raph." He responded back. They stayed close in proximity. It felt nice, intimate almost. It was a comfort, especially in times like this to have another being hurting and growing together. Donnie cleared his throat.

"So, everything set for when we get there?" he asked.

"Ya, for the most part." Raph Responded. "Nothing too exciting." He said softly. Donnie instinctively felt the need to reach up and straighten up his Hakama.

"I'm sure you did a great job Raph." He reassured him. "You always know how to put on a show." Raphael seemed to relaxed slightly, Donnie not even realizing he was tense in the first place.

He looked up at past Donnie to the stairs behind them.

"Has he come home yet?" He asked, referring to their eldest. Donnie bit his lip.

"I heard him come in sometime last night. At least he isn't gonna be missing the ceremony." Donnie said.

"He doesn't have much of a choice."

Leo didn't know how long he had been sitting on his bed for. He was almost completely dressed but half way through lost the need to complete the wardrobe change. There was a tightness in his chest he never felt before. It was mild and felt like something was sitting on the back of his rib cage. It could be just a reaction to the pounding going on inside his head.

He had spent the last two days at Casey's. He doesn't remember much of his time there. There was beer, sports, and Caseys guitar and that's all that he remembers. Leo didn't drink much but he enjoyed just having the solitude for a short while.

He felt numb.

Numb is what his father was striving him to be. He needed to be stoic and concentrated and to push every feeling, every emotion to the side for the sake of his family. The pull in his cheek was the reminder to put himself back in check.

He took some time and let off some steam and should have gotten it out of system.

But he still felt so defiant.

This "celebration" was a joke. There was nobody to mourn and he knows if Mikey was here this isn't what he would have wanted. It further proved Leo's point that his family didn't know shit about him or Mikey. Because if they did, they would know Mikey would have wanted something more intimate with just their close friends and family. Something small and relaxed because the out of this world goof ball was just for show. But Leo didn't have a place anymore to speak on those terms.

"Hah.." He winced clutching at his chest feeling his heart rate spike for a moment there thinking about his mate. Everytime he thought of Mikey and his smile his heart hurt. He was almost feeling panicked and he didn't understand why. He just wanted today to be over.

He looked over to see the gold chain he needed to wear. It symbolized his position of head of house. What a heavy burden to bear at this moment of time.

Donnie and Raph were waiting at the front of the lair waiting for their father to come out and lead them to the Battle Nexus. Raph stood there patiently and quietly. The most quiet he had ever stood. He was never known for his patience and would normally complain and try and hurry the process. But, in this situation he needed to practice every piece of patience. The sensitivity of the situation was more vital than any of them were prepared for. To keep himself busy he was helping his father with the preparations for today and he knew his father appreciated all the work but he knew their father would have preferred their eldest to be the one that was helping.

He shook off Leo from his mind. Not right now he wasn't going to fret about that. Today was about Mikey and in hopes he may gain some forgiveness from his youngest brother. Raph looked over to Donnie and wholeheartedly appreciated his older brother. Without him, he wouldn't be able to make it through this.

The sound of the sliding doors of their fathers room caught their attention. They both looked over to see Master Splinter dressed in his finest robe and holding a golden torch that would be used to light the fire of remembrance. Their father stood tall and looked so strong.

"Are we ready to go?" He asked quietly.

"Yes Master Splinter." They said in unison. Splinter surveyed the room then looked up at his sons bedrooms seeing Leonardo's door was closed. He hasn't seen his eldest since their fight but he had no time to deal with the aftermath of that right now. He needed to get his family to the ceremony and his head of house back on track.

"Leonardo!" He yelled. "It is time to go!"

They waited for a moment before the door opened and stepped out their leader. He was keeping his head lower, not looking at any of them directly before walking down to meet the rest of them. Splinter could see his eldest was rigid but didn't want to focus too much as they were on a time crunch.

"Let's be off." He said, leading the way out to the sewers to the surface above.

When they made it up, they went into the dead end alleyway Master Splinter took the time to draw on the needed symbol and stepped back.

"Leonardo." He said without looking back immediately. "Recite the entrance spell needed to enter the Battle Nexus." When he did end up looking back, Leonardo was standing far enough away from everyone and was looking down at the floor.

"Leonardo." He repeated but more firm. Leo flicked his eyes up but didn't move. He knew what Splinter was trying to do. He was trying to reassert his dominance as master and to prove a point.

Everyone.

Always trying to prove a fucking point.

"I don't remember it." He said with a low tone. The tension immediately flooded the air as Raphael and Donatello tensed. Splinter refused to break their gaze before letting out a frustrated breath and turned to recite the spell. The door opened and without looking back, Splinter walked through leading his family to the Battle Nexus.

When they made it through, they were met with so much life. There were creatures all around them. Past contenders, fans, residents of the Battle Nexus flooding the main streets. What caught their attention the most, was the holographic banners flooding the streets of Michelangelo. A sense of dread went between the brothers seeing their youngest broadcasted at his highest point. Donnie by instinct moved slightly closer to Raph, feeling so drained from just looking at the old smiling face of the youngest.

Leo stood back, looking up at this holograph of his mate and that strange pain in his chest once again. This time he could feel his heart starting to race slightly.

"Splinter!" A familiar voice reached their ears. The Daimyo approached in his finest silk with open arms. He reached out and circled the old rat in an embrace.

"I'm so sorry my old friend that this could not be with better circumstances." He released Splinter and sighed. "My heart, the Battle Nexus soul is heavy for the passing of Michelangelo. I cannot imagine losing a son so young." He spoke with such concern.

"Thank you for your condolences Daimyo." Splinter said. " I cannot thank you enough or your court for setting all this up for Michelangelo. He would have loved it." He said with a sad smile. Leonardo heard his father's word and sneered. Mikey wouldn't have loved this. This isn't how he would have wanted them to mourn. This wasn't a party this was his life. He looked up to see Michelangelo's image all around him and all he could feel was the pounding in his head and his heart racing. It thumped violently against his rib cage. It was almost unbearable. Soffecating.

"Not to worry my old friend we have everything taken care of and the help of Raphael none of this wouldn't have happened." The Daimyo directed the praise to Raphael who bowed in response. Leonardo could feel his blood boil hearing Raphael receive praise. He shouldn't be getting praised. He should be reprimanded the way he was. Punished how he is and suffered the way Mikey did.

These cruel thoughts Leo never had before and was feeling more than overwhelmed. His breathing was quickening more than he would like.

"Well No matter. Please enjoy yourself before the ceremony begins. Master Splinter will you please and join me in the main court?" the daimyo asked.

"Certainly my friend." He looked over at his sons and said, " please remember to be the gauntlet lighting when the Sun touches the mountain." He sent a glare at Leonardo who was visibly tense in the jawline. Master Splinter tried to pay no mind as he was in the Domino towards the palace.

The brothers walked through the streets of the Nexus. Donnie and Raph in front and Leo staying as far back as he could without raising eyebrows. his mind began to race as they walked through the streets, trying to configure what it was that he was feeling. This was an emotion that he did not recognize, this feeling of anxiety and pain was so overwhelming he didn't know if he could bear it. He almost tripped over his own feet as he noticed that Raph and Don had stopped in front of him not wanting to run into them. Looking ahead he saw Taximus speaking to Raphael.

His breathing came in short breaths, unable to fill his lungs the necessity that his body needed to function. He felt the walls of his mind starting to close in as he grasped the front of his clothes in desperation to stop his beating heart. how selfish he felt. how numb he wanted to be. All these emotions he wanted to be locked away and to never return wailing out and threatening the utmost peace that his family needed. he barely even recognized when Traximus came to him and started to speak but he could not register the words. His eyes trying so hard to focus on the small beads of the ground below him but they danced along his eyesight, losing focus.

He needed to get away.

Now.

Right now!

Without even thinking he turned on his Heel and dashed in the other direction. He heard the voice of Donatello but not the words that he spoke. For some reason all of a sudden, the amount of guilt he felt as being the failure of his family the failure of his brothers, and the failure of his mate has caused him to enter a frenzy. He couldn't keep Focus looking around to see the celebration in Michelangelo's name without feeling the overwhelming urge to burn the whole place to the ground.

He ran as fast as he could down the alley dodging people left and right unknowing of where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to get away as fast as he could from the people, from his family, and from the images of his late lover. without even thinking he stumbled on some stairs and missed a step and went down hard. He kept himself down to the floor on his hands and knees and tried to catch his breath. his breathing was ragged not from the running but the feeling that his heart was about to implode. He couldn't seem to catch his breath no matter how deep his health became. You could feel the tips of his fingers start to go numb and his body started to shiver.

Is this an anxiety attack?

Leo asked himself as he noticed he started to grip at as chest a little harder. he has never had an anxiety attack considering how well composed he has always been. How foreign these feelings were. how he wanted this feeling to go away and to go back to feeling numb. He wanted his self-control back oh, he wanted that feeling of acceptance once again from his family but knew that was out of his reach until he can come to the conclusion with his emotions but he didn't know how. All he knew was that he was engulfed with rage and knew which would release it. What a cruel way to suffer.

"Boy, get off the ground will get dirty." said a voice above him. When he looked up he flinched seeing a large tortoise close to his proximity, far too close for comfort.

"What?" He asked, still breathing erratically.

"Son, get your breathing under control or else you're going to end up passing out." The old tortoise said catching Leo's attention realizing that he didn't even know he was breathing so hard. He took a few moments to regulate his breath listening to his heartbeat as a pounded through his mind.

Once he was finally settled, he just stared at the ground below him. how embarrassing this was. He, Leonardo, the capable Warrior and the fearless leader of the Hamato Clan down on his hands and knees in a dirty ally way being looked down upon by a tortoise.

"Oye, you're One of those Turtles aren't you?" the tortoise asked. Leo didn't answer. He didn't even move from his spot, too stiff to even think about moving. The tortoise can visually see the distress on Leo's body and knew he wasn't in the right mind set.

"Come boy, lets go talk." he said. Leo watched as the old tortoise walked away in the opposite direction. He sat there for a moment more before deciding to follow. Whether or not listening to the old man would help, it was better than being surrounded by the false sense of celebration.

Leonardo followed the tortoise up into the higher parts of the Hills right outside of the Battle Nexus. He was welcomed with shabby old shacks and some hillbilly locals dancing and singing in celebration of Michelangelo's life just the same as they did but then the city. So much for the Escape.

The old tortoise brought him up to the highest hill, but overlooked the Nexus itself. At any other time Leo would have enjoyed the scenery in front of him, but knowing that Michelangelo's face was plastered on every wall and sung in every tune made this beautiful view seem dull.

"So tell me turtle, why were you in the alleyway?" The old tortoise asked as he sat down in the grass facing the Nexus pulling out canister and taking a sip.

"I didn't mean to bother you, I do apologize." Leo said as he bowed his head and forgiveness.

"No need for apologies boy." The tortoise said, "I assume that you know the warrior who was killed is that correct?"

The warrior that was killed? Leo thought.

What an interesting way of wording his failure is leader and Raphs Recklessness. he had to guess that he actually was killed then. it just wasn't as heroic Raphael made it out to be.

"We were family." He said, not wanting to get into major detail about their relationship.

"I see, you are the head of household correct? I have seen you and your brothers the Nexus quite a few times." the tortoise mentioned. Leo didn't say anything seeing as though the tortoise was just trying to prod at him for some juicy gossip that was going on in his life. Part of him wished he didn't come. He looked up at the sky and watched the sun, waiting for it to touch the mountain and reminded himself that he needed to leave soon.

"Not taking this loss very well are we boy?" tortoise ask. "No need to be ashamed."

That was a funny way of saying that. This entire time all Leonardo known was for the way that he felt. He was not allowed to feel angry and he was not allowed to mourn, he was only allowed to stand tall and prideful and watch as the rest of this family heels well he takes all the hits.

"I'm not ashamed." Leo finally said. "I just cannot show emotion right now." the tortoise laughed

"Boy I hate to break it to you but you're not hiding it very well." Leo felt that very similar dull pain in his chest that he felt earlier a buildup of another anxiety attack knowing that he was not able to fulfill the one thing that his family needed was to conceal what he felt. The one thing that he was always proud of was holding his Poker Face to the highest standard. Now, it wouldn't even be able to win a game of goldfish at this point. Leonardo looked down at the grass below him, being reminded of all the days that he and Mikey would go out to farm and lay out and watch as the clouds rolled by pictured Futures that they would never have.

The old tortoise can see the wheels turning in the young turtles head.

"Here boy." he said. he reached out his canister to Leo. "If you don't want to feel, then this will help." Leo already knew what was in that canister. He was able to smell the booze from the alleyway. He already had a drunken experience with Casey and woke up this morning with this hangover oh... but he also remembered how numb he felt. how empty. How soulless he had become. That is what his family demanded.

With some reluctance, he sat down next to the Old Tortoise and took the canister and took a sip.. the taste of the old sake going down his throat burned. Once the minutes went by, everything started to phase. His once racing heart fluttered as if it was in a separate room. everything around him starts to twist and turn into something silly mind-numbing. Leo knew that drinking would not solve all of his problems, he knew that this was not the way he should be handling himself. but what else could you do? He had felt like an outcast to his own family and the one person that would have understood him the most was now Six Feet Under. maybe for a little while so he can learn to do this on his own. He and the Sake will be one of the same.

He and the old Tortoise began to drink together, other locals began to join them, and the sun touched the top of the mountain.

A/N: Hi Guys! I do apologize for the late update! I made a mistake and tried to put two chapters in one and it just wasn't working but luckily enough the next chapter is almost done! So I should have that posted soon but let me know what you think!

Till Next time!

-F