This is a story about The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel, perhaps the most successful book ever to have come out of the great publishing houses in Cheydinhal. More popular than The Skyrim Guide to Homesteading, better selling than Mixed Unit Tactics, and more controversial than the Lustful Argonian Maid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters How to Engage a Daedric Prince, The Best Moves for a Daedric Prince, and The Importance of Contraception with a Daedric Prince.

To tell the story of the book, the story of the minds behind it should be told through the collective insight of a particular long-lived Khajiit and his unfortunately long-lived Argonian frenemy. It is also the story of a young, twenty-year-old Nord woman with way too much enthusiasm.

Her name is Theradyis Avla and she is five foot five Nede descent with wild red hair and spends way too much time daydreaming about going on quests.

Currently, Theradyis is stuck at work as a barmaid in Helgen. Her employer, Vilod, who makes good use of juniper berries in mead, has allowed her to take a day off since most of the Imperial Legion had gone to do training and thus left the pub mostly empty. Also, to get a break from the overly ambitious woman.

"Don't worry about it Theradyis, I can handle things around here fer now. Besides, you nearly scared the daylights out of the Captain this morning," said Vilod.

"I just wanted to impress a military commander with my sneaking ability," commented Theradyis as she placed a small slab of meat against her eye.

"And the Captain nearly took your head off. Look lassie, you've got heart, but you ain't real bright when it comes thinkin' things through. So, I want you to take time out fer a little while and burn off some of that pride before it gets you killed." Vilod finished.

Theradyis wasn't too happy with the proposal, but she couldn't argue. Vilod was right to a degree, she thought to herself. In a slight pout, she left the warm pub and stepped outside to the chilly but sunny world outside. Legion soldiers were everywhere. In the towers, in the castle, on the road. They were entering and leaving the city as fast Theradyis could notice.

Ever since the Stormcloaks decided to pull some rather disastrous military moves, such as shouting a High King to death and thinking that racism would endear them to the masses, the Legion had used Helgen as a base.

In all honesty, Theradyis didn't give a load of ice wolf kidneys over the Civil War. As far as she was concerned, it got in the way of her going on a grand adventure. The kind that you'd read about in Breton books. The ones that were obviously made up by some unsuccessful soul who found themselves at the wrong end of a Dwemer crossbow due to a lovely night with a rather beautiful vampiress.

As far as Theradyis was concerned she has quite enough of it. On the other hand, the tips she was given by the soldiers allowed her to save up a great deal of Septims. Enough to buy a house in Solitude if she ever got the nerve to actually quit her job. Plus, there was also free mead.

In fact, Theradyis had been declared the champion of drinking the most mead in an hour. This was to Vilod's advantage for two reasons. One, the old stock was used up before it went bad. And two, it gathered a lot of customers to watch in awe as the young Nord consumed enough mead to kill a giant. Granted, the hangover the next day required a priest to heal her before the alcohol poisoning could take root.

So, Theradyis went to the small and somewhat rundown hut she lived in next door to the newly designated training ground for the Legion. Only to find a group of Legion engineers eyeing it with morbid intent.

"Okay, so we'll begin demolition in an hour and make way for the new barracks." said the lead engineer.

"Wait one damn minute!" Theradyis yelled as she marched right up to the lead, through the towering engineers. She was short, even for a Nord woman after all.

"Oh, it's you. The barmaid." said the lead, with a sigh.

He was well aware of how troublesome Theradyis was. After all, it was she who was practicing with fire arrows and lit the horse stalls on fire. Of course it was on accident, though the horses weren't all too happy about it. His crew had to not only fight the fire, but also rebuild said stalls three months ago.

"Look, I live here, you can't just tear it down!" Theradyis exclaimed.

"It's not a particularly nice shack. The Legion will compensate you. That way you can move to a better place." said the lead as he tried to reason with the Nord.

"I don't care about that. You can't walk up to a person's home and begin tearing it down!"

"Look, you're just going to accept it. The shack had been on notice for the past week. You could have taken this up with our Captain and…"

"NO!" yelled the headstrong woman as she sat down in front of her shack.

The group of engineers stood there and simply stared at the stubborn Nord. The new barracks needed to be built as a whole division was moving in and all these soldiers will need a place to stay. The Captain wouldn't be back until tomorrow and she would be pissed if she found out no work had been done on the new barracks. However, aside from committing an act of murder, there wasn't much they could do.

It was at this point a seven-foot-tall, lean, and nearly tan Argonian wearing tattered ebony armor over a faded red cloak walked over to the group of engineers. His name was Tyrannus Rexus, a name he thought would allow him to blend in when he lived in the Imperial City. At least it was pronounceable to the men and mer wandering about the place. Plus, it was a rather fitting name considering he was more dinosaurian than lizard-like. Not that anyone here would know the difference.

Over the past decade, Tyrannus lived in Helgen due to the nice weather and a more tolerant attitude toward his kind. About five years ago, he befriended Theradyis out of sympathy for the then poor girl. She had no family, friends, and was determined to be an adventurer.

Which of course put her at odds with the locals, due to her eccentric behaviors. Like greeting people with a hearty, though way too loud Nordic battle cry. If it weren't for the fact that the Nine decided not to give her the Voice, it is safely assumed amongst the locals that all of Nirn would look like a bomb crater.

However, Tyrannus found her fun to be around and thus befriended her. After all, being an unnaturally long-lived Argonian who has done everything since the First Era, such youth and enthusiasm did much to calm the more depressive thoughts that plagued the ol' Raptorfoot.

In a calm and orderly pace, Tyrannus approached the lead engineer and Theradyis.

"Tyrannus! This arsehole wants to tear down my home."

The lead simply just looked at the Argonian.

"I see." said the Argonian in low rasp.

"Look, we need to go ahead and get started before the Captain returns, or there's going to be Oblivion to pay for all of us. If you like, we will build you a new house wherever you like Miss." pleaded the lead.

"How about this? Can we assume that she's not leaving," said Tyrannus.

"I guess so." answered the lead.

"Can we also assume that while she is sitting down there, your crew won't be able to get any work done at all." continued Tyrannus.

"Yes, what are you getting at, citizen?"

"Well, I was thinking that since you're not going to be working anytime soon, that maybe I could borrow her for a half-hour and then come right back."

All the engineers piqued up. The lead grew a shaky smile at the thought.

"Sounds reasonable." concurred the lead engineer.

"On the condition, you stay in her place." requested Tyrannus.

"What?!"

"Yes. You just take her spot while we're at the pub for a half-hour." Tyrannus said to the now confused lead.

After a few seconds, the lead engineer agreed.

"Oh, well. Okay then." said the lead as he took Theradyis's spot.

"One last thing, no knocking her shack down. Understand!" said Tyrannus.

"Perish the thought." said the complacent lead.

"Come on, Theradyis. There's something very, very important I need to talk to you about." Tyrannus said, in a sudden change of mood.

"Wait, wha-!" was all Theradyis could get out before Tyrannus took her by the arm and headed for the pub.

The two friends headed off to the pub without another word as they left the smiling group of engineers.

The remarkable book The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel has become the most widely regarded book in the more relaxed regions of High Rock and Hammerfell. It has surpassed and supplanted the older and more respected work A Traveler's Guide to the Empire in two notable ways: 1) It's easy to read without all the Imperial haughtiness, and 2) It has in large friendly letters the words "DON'T PANIC!" on its cover. Because of this, the book's popularity skyrocketed among wanna-be adventurers who had never left their respective towns and villages due to overbearing mothers. This was of course the idea of one of the greatest philosophers in all of Nirn, M'aiq the Liar. We shall learn more of his wisdom later.

"I still say I should have sat there, Tyrannus. Those bastards will probably tear my house down while we're drinking." lamented Theradyis as she sipped on some mead.

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it. This place is going to be burned to the ground by a world-eating dragon in an hour's time," said Tyrannus bluntly.

"If you say so. Now, what is it you needed to tell me?" asked Theradyis.

"Well, your opportunity to actually go adventuring has come. You see, I'm writing a book and I wanted to start traveling again. That way I could get fresh material for the book. So, I figured I'd take you along. Also, as I said, a dragon is coming to raze the place." Tyrannus said, taking a long drink of his mead.

For some reason, the word 'dragon' didn't sound all too threatening to Theradyis. They were just old myths and legends. It wouldn't be the first time the old reptile talked nonsense. It wasn't clear how old he was, but at times Theradyis thought that Tyrannus suffered senility. However, the opportunity that Tyrannus was giving did perk her interest. Finally, she will be able to prove her worth as a Nord and earn her place in Sovngarde.

"Okay, but I have to get my things and let Vilod know. I hope she'll let me have my job back when we return." Theradyis said with increasing excitement.

"I don't think she'll be around to care after we leave," said Tyrannus as he took another drink of his mead.

The last comment made Theradyis shrugged. No telling what that old lizard was thinking. As soon as she left the pub, the excitement got to her. Luckily, she was prepared for this moment. For years, she kept a well-stocked, leather pack with all of the things an adventurer needs. Plus, the money she had saved up all this time living in Helgen would come in handy.

Not to mention, she had a decent set of iron armor for protection. In fact she was wearing it as of now. It was enchanted with muffle, allowing her to sneak about. After she got the armor, she began calling herself a 'stealth tank'. Much to the confusion of others as to the meaning of terminology.

Finally, she had the jewel of her gear. A weapon she considered to be the pinnacle of power and the envy of the great Nord heroes. A reworked, but rather heavy giant's club. Theradyis was certainly strong enough to lift it with ease. Wielding it on the other hand was another matter.

The balance was off due to the handle being cut down to better fit in a human's hands without compensating for this in the hammerhead. This wasn't a mistake on the smith's part, but rather Theradyis's mistaken belief that the hammerhead would be more powerful intact. Her insistence on this idea nearly drove the poor smith mad. In the end, with physics and feather enchantments out the window, Theradyis had her clumsy, barely used club.

Theradyis quickly ran back to her shack. The engineers were still standing there and the lead was still sitting in front of the shack. It had only been five minutes since Theradyis and Tyrannus left. The crew had decided to wait about fifteen minutes before starting work. That way, they make sure that it would be far too late for the young Nord to retaliate. Their shock was evident when they saw Theradyis walk right up to the shack.

However, she didn't say a word as she went inside briefly. As she exited, with the large pack on her back and an awkward grip on her giant's club. Theradyis looked at the crew. Now she was wearing an iron helmet with horns on the side. The look in her eyes gave away the sudden change in mood.

"Go ahead, tear it all down, I'm not coming back anytime soon," she said making her way back to the pub, leaving the crew dumbfounded.

At the door of the pub, Tyrannus had paid his tab and quickly ran up to Theradyis when he saw her. A buzzing went off in his head. That danger was coming much closer than originally thought. The whisper of the Hist nearly drove Tyrannus into a panic.

"Time to go!" he said as he once again took hold of Theradyis's arm.

At this point, they were running out of the city gates and passing by a caravan of wagons filled with Stormcloak POWs, including a gagged Ulfric Stormcloak. Not that they paid attention, but one POW kept talking loudly to another prisoner who was busy randomly looking around. Tyrannus thought to himself about how annoying it would be on that wagon with that blond Nord. However, they didn't pay any more mind to the POWs as they made their way quickly down the road.

"Why are we in such a hurry Tyrannus? I mean shouldn't we take our time exploring?" asked a winded Theradyis.

"Because a dragon is coming. The Hist warned me. So we need to get out of there now." Tyrannus said sternly.

"Dragon? You keep talking about them as if they're real. Dragons are just old legends." Theradyis protested.

It was at that moment, a large black reptile flew by faster than a horse. It roared loudly, and it wasn't at all kind.

According to the Guide, dragon roars ranked among the most terrifying sounds a Nord could hear. Though surprisingly, it only ranked in at number three. The second being whining children who want a pony, and the first being a rather ill-tempered Nord wife who found out her husband had been unfaithful. It also says that should you find yourself in either of these serious situations, at least the dragon attack will be mostly painless and quick.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" screamed Theradyis as she saw the scaly monster swooping in at Helgen with fire breath.

"A dragon, what do you think it is? Come on, we've got to get to the river!" replied Tyrannus as they both switched into high gear running.

As they quickly made their way to the river, a large piece of debris landed right in front of them, cutting them off from their path. Quickly, Tyrannus spotted an abandoned mine to the left and drug the terrified Theradyis toward it. The sight of the dragon ravaging her former home had certainly convinced her that those stories were true. Soon, Theradyis found herself inside a dark place. The place was quiet and Theradyis didn't feel the tug that Tyrannus gave her on her arm.

"W-where are we?" she asked meekly.

"We're safe. For the moment anyhow," answered Tyrannus as he lit a torch.

The orange glow revealed to Theradyis an abandoned mine that was partially collapsed. Old equipment laid about the place and a couple of skeletons were pinned underneath a pile of small to medium, to outright gigantic boulders. It was no surprise what happened to those two.

"I see. Well, it must be a definition of safe I've never heard of before." Theradyis smarted off.

"Let's see. A couple of ruined books. Useless. A rusty pickaxe. Also useless. Linen wrap…" said Tyrannus absentmindedly as he took out the rather good quality linen wrap off of the table.

"So, what now? Helgen has been wiped off the map, which means we have no place to return to." Theradyis said, this time in anger.

"Dreadful, isn't it? Look, if you want to be an adventurer, you're going to have to get used to disasters. Par the course." Tyrannus said, once again absentmindedly looking for more useful things.

"Nobody ever said that entire towns would be destroyed." Theradyis started with whiny anger.

"Yes, it was terrible. However, you don't have anything holding you back now. No one to criticize you for being over the top. Besides, the only person who cared about you is standing right here alive and well. Which honestly, I think that dragon would have a hard time killing me." Tyrannus said in an attempt to calm the twenty-year-old Nord.

Tyrannus's comment took her a bit by surprise.

"You mean, you could take down the dragon?" Theradyis asked skeptically.

"No, but being immortal makes one hard to kill. Happens when you find yourself at the wrong place at the wrong time while Deadric Princes are having a contest." Tyrannus said with a cheerful, Argonian grin.

Theradyis wasn't sure if she could trust the comment on truthfulness. Then again, it was hard to judge Argonian expressions since they have little in the way of facial muscles. However, Tyrannus had a few good points. No one really liked her at Helgen. They considered her an eccentric and noisy nuisance.

The only reason why Vilod even hired her was due to an arrangement that Theradyis's late father made when dying of rockjoint. Plus, the legal matters surrounding this part of the man's will prevented Vilod from refusing Theradyis from employment. Otherwise, she would have to pay a death tax for not honoring a will. This is not surprising when considering that Vilod was quite the penny-pinching miser.

Theradyis shook the thoughts from her mind as she helped Tyrannus start a fire for the night. In the morning, it would be safer to venture out. At least she would be living her dream. Or, this could be the start of a nightmare.