I re-watched all of Cold Case recently and felt like giving a two-shot (maybe three-shot depending on how this goes) a try. I obviously own nothing except for the time spent writing this soap opera of a fic. Post finale.

A woman sits on a park bench just like she promised she would, clutching a book she is too nervous to read. What was she thinking? She hadn't been there for years, keeping in touch only by a monthly phone call and a birthday card. Any second the person she'd gathered the courage to face could sit next to her and unleash god knows what emotions, but whenever she thinks it's going to be in that second, it becomes the next one, and the next one, and the one after that-

"Christina Rush?"

She's startled by a voice coming from behind her. She takes a deep breath and tries to compose herself as best as she can before slowly turning her head.

She spots a scrawny 12 year old girl (almost 13 she adds in her head) with shoulder length blonde hair, wavy but nowhere near the ringlets she had the last time she'd seen her. She's wearing a blue t-shirt and denim shorts with converse, that unbeknownst to her, were the result of many outfit changes until she ran out of time to keep switching. She notices what seems like the strap of a training bra peeking from the neck hole of the shirt, another glaring reminder of all that she has missed. Her blue eyes are as big as saucers, inspecting her from behind a pair of purple rimmed glasses. She spots an identical pair of blue eyes far back near a coffee Kart, both focused on her.

"Yes." She can't think of more to say until she notices the other pair of blue eyes turn away to give them privacy. She thanks them silently, feeling a couple bars of pressure lift from her.

"You must be Masie. Please sit down." She scoots a bit to her left even despite there having been enough room for the girl already.

Christina analyses the girl's body language who seems hesitant for only a fraction of a second before sitting next to her and lifting her eyes to her face. She doesn't see the Ice Queen glare she feared she might encounter but nevertheless notes a bit of a guard to her. The girl inspects her face with at first curiosity, then confusion and bursts of quick amazement as she recognizes some of her features. Clasping her hands in her lap to complement the guarded staring she begins to speak, almost to herself.

"You must be my mother."

Yep, that's me. Is she angry about that? Surprised? Holding a grudge? She said it so quietly I could barely pick up on anything… Dammit Lil she's just as hard to read as you!

"You are correct." If I smile slightly will she return it? I'm doing it… She didn't respond, this conversation will go great! Calm down Christina, you're the adult and she was the one that had been asking about you for months, she must be more interested in hearing you talk than talking to you. I need an ice breaker, what do 12 year old girls like?

"So how's School? Do you have lots of friends? Any boys around? What's your favorite subject? Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? What sort of things do you like? Pizza? Teen music? Horror movies? Horses?" Teen music? How old am I? And where the hell did horses come from? She's a Rush we're not horse people!

Great she's not reacting, good going Christina you've scared her away already! Couldn't you ask her for a kidney while you were a-

"My favorite subject is Math. I think it is very elegant how it can describe basically anything. I did a project on Fractals at science camp this summer." She's talking to me! Math, I knew that, science camp too… what the hell is a fractal?"

"A fractal is an abstract object used to describe and simulate naturally occurring objects."

Great she noticed how dumb I am.

"Mo- Aunt Lilly said school wasn't your forte. I guess I didn't take after you there." She's too right about the school thing for me to feel offended but did she just correct herself? It's sweet of her but I don't want her to keep doing it the rest of the day, she'll let one "Mom" slip and feel bad.

"You can call her mom you know? Aunt Lilly? She did most of the work raising you, she deserves the title more than I do." She's not looking at me anymore, did I make her uncomfortable?

"I guess I just don't really know what to call you." Oh no, she's tension-shrugging, why did I put her in this situation?

"You can call me anything from my name to mommy dearest, I'm fine with it." …I'm also fine with being called Mom but I don't have the right to ask that of her… Godammit woman don't get started on that shit now!

"That's one of my favorite movies." She's looking at you again. Great she smiled at you! We have the same dimples, I'd forgotten that, how did I forget that?

"I tend to favor even older movies though, Aun-Mom" She's pausing to see how you react, don't let it show how that reminds you of the biggest failure of your life. Your heart is just fine, no stinging in there. None. You're just peachy. Since when do I say peachy?

"She says she used to have to pace with me in the living room at night when she first brought me home. She ended up switching the TV channel to TCM and that seemed to calm me down. I've liked that sort of films ever since I can remember. Gone to Earth messed me up with that ending though, I'm scared of dogs and wells." Lilly never told me that she cried that much, she didn't so much as let out a whimper that entire car ride in her arms the day they found us. Oh wait, I'm supposed to say something back, what movie was she talking about? Something about being afraid of wells?

"That must have given you nightmares."

"That and other things. You know, like kids get. Mom would read me the Velveteen rabbit in the middle of the night whenever I'd get them. She said your mom did that with you, it's even the same copy."

Velveteen rabbit? I think I remember that name? Was that that book Lilly wouldn't let me touch without permission? For it to last so many years it was probably that one.

"I think she did yeah… mainly to Lil, I was more of a deep sleeper. Are you a big reader?"

"I've been reading at high school level for a while now. I really like Oscar Wilde and the Brontë sisters."

"Which one is your favorite?" There have to be at least two right? Why didn't I steer the conversation towards something I actually know things about when I had the chance?

"Emily. Anne is underrated but Wuthering Heights is my favorite book. Mom said it'd be too heavy but I loved how dark it is." Wuthering Heights is that Kate Bush song too right?

"I heavily considered naming you Emily you know."

Masie suddenly tenses. Shit she was almost comfortable with you and you just went in for the kill, what do I do now? She's staring at her shoes again that's what we did when mom was yelling at us, this whole meeting was a terrible idea-

"Why did you pick Masie?" She's giving you a shot here Christina don't mess up.

"Lil and I once found this pearl at the beach when we were little. I declared it my treasure. Our Dad had come back and our Mom was happy, it was one of the rare days everything felt perfect. It means Pearl you know. Masie. When I came across the meaning in a baby name book I knew it was it. I was hoping you'd have nothing but days when everything is perfect…" And because she was my treasure…

"Mom could never tell me that." Did she almost just reach for my hand now? I must be imagining things?

"I had a lot of very good days with her. She did her best to hardly ever work weekends and to avoid working overtime more than once or twice a week. On weekends we went out or had fun around the house, sometimes Uncle Scotty would even drop by. He taught me how throw a mean curveball."

"Scotty was around a lot?" I sorta figured he would especially when she was a baby but the weekend dad thing I didn't quite foresee.

"Everyone from the squad was but he was always the most present. When they had a case that required a lot of extra hours he'd come over for dinner and then look through the files with Mom until the wee hours. He took me to a couple Phillies' games along with his nephews. The youngest one has been in my class since the first grade and is one of my closest friends. His name is Gabriel, Gabe for short. Scotty's mom picked us up from school a lot when we were little. I'd stay until the late afternoon or even for dinner sometimes."

"Sounds fun." And way more familial than anything we had.

"It was. His mom had always wanted a girl so she sort of adopted me as a grandchild, his father too. I call them Abuela and Abuelo and they still call me muñequita." If those were the same people that raised Scotty I'm not surprised.

"I never met them but I knew Scotty, he was a great guy." DANGER! You're way too close to that rift with Lilly!

"I know you have a history with him."

"Oh Shit!" Fuck I didn't mean to say that out loud!

"He was very honest with me about it, he says he was going through a hard time when you met and that he shouldn't have dated you then and should have handled his feelings properly before considering being more than friends with you. He also says he doesn't stick around me because of any of that, he claims he's gotten too used to me." He's Scotty, of course he won't walk away from you.

"He says that when he saw Mom carry me to the car after finding me he vowed he'd help her out in whatever way he could. Because partners have to look out for each other. There was even this time Mom had to go pick up a serial killer from Jersey with Aunt Kat to get a confession. He asked specifically for the two of them on a whim one day. Uncle Scotty picked me up from school, took care of me and made us breakfast the next morning, just as Mom walked through the front door. He made me Mickey Mouse pancakes and a milkshake. Did you know I declared him my boyfriend when I was 4? I gave him a valentine I made at school and everything."

"That sounds like him." He loves you way more than he ever liked me kid. 20 bucks he still has he damn card.

Masie's relatively relaxed body tenses and she looks straight ahead.

"He was shot last year."

"I heard." Lilly called me out of the blue with so many voice cracks throughout the call I hardly recognized her.

"I've never seen Mom look so terrified, she wouldn't leave his side at the hospital. Abuela and Abuelo would switch turns at the hospital. I slept at their house for those two days when he still wasn't out of the woods. I don't think mom had ever felt so alone, I even saw her cry." I'm guessing you cried too when nobody was looking.

"Is that what made you start asking about me?" If she says yes that will address the elephant in the room. I'm not leaving today without getting into that anyway.

"I guess I started to wonder what would happen to me if I ever lost them both. And then I asked myself if I should consider you were lost already or if I'd ever have a relationship with you. Or why you had left me behind in the first place. It's why I wanted to meet you in person- to get some answers as to why you gave me up." There we go… I hope she doesn't hate me after this.

"Oh boy, I knew I'd have to have this chat eventually. Are you sure you want to know this? I can give you a quick oversight of things if you'd prefer, this is a lot to take in for a kid." I left you so you didn't have to know half this shit in the first place.

"I don't want you to keep anything from me." I could swear she was just possessed by Lil.

"Are you sure? You might never want to see me again and to be honest I won't really be able to blame you." Like at all.

"Can you trust me on this? I've spent years trying to get why you'd leave me behind. I want to try to understand you so that I can get passed this." Inched closer to me, looked me in the eyes, pouted. Damn she's good!

"You'll be opening a whole 'nother can of worms kid." Or maybe thirty.

"I have the rest of my life to kill them." She's just put me in the box and she can't even drive yet. Great!

"Damn Lil raised you alright." Was that a twinkle in her eye? Okay, we're doing this… 1…2…3… deep breath…

"I left Philly when I was being tracked down by the NYPD, I was involved in a credit fraud scheme there. You ok?" Please say yes, please say yes…

"Keep going." There's the Ice Queen look…

"I ran to Florida, worked some odd jobs for a few years until I met a man at a pharmacy."

"Was that man my father?" That he was…

"Yes. He might have been the only man I've ever truly loved but there was a lot of baggage that came with him."

"Drugs?" She's quick at putting two and two together…

"Yes. He had been prescribed Oxycotin after a surgery and it took over his life. He lost his job, his family, everything. To survive he got caught up in this black-market scheme. He- God forgive us- was in charge of making the stuff." Stuff is vague enough right?

"So he was smart?" If she was any older I doubt she would have focused on that.

"Annoyingly so." Almost like you.

"Did he ever meet me?" Just the sonogram.

"No I'm afraid. But he loved you very much. Us both in fact. He did everything in his power to keep his demons from me, but my biggest flaw is my lack of willpower and being too curious so eventually we were both hooked and too weak to quit. Your father and I would wake up and swear to each other the last time had been the last one, we'd talk about leaving the whole operation, running away together and settling down. And then one day I told him I was pregnant and that did it for us. We both quit on the spot."

"So how do you end up with an abusive boyfriend and a baby in a laundry-basket?" It breaks my heart how she doesn't even blink saying that. I messed her up despite all my efforts.

"Just days after our first O.B appointment I was at our motel room when I got a call. Your father had gone to sever the last couple ties we had to those people just as the FBI found them out. He tried to escape, to come back to us-"

"I no longer have a Father do I?" I'm so sorry my treasure.

"What was his name?" This is the first time she sounded like a kid this whole time.

"Adam." I haven't said that name in forever. "Adam Sudayev. He had Russian grandparents and blue eyes like you do."

"I could have been named Maisie Adamevna Sudayeva then?" In another universe, who knows?

"He would have loved to have met you. His dream was for you to be a great scientist, like the one he never did get to be. He'd been a chemist before the addiction swallowed him whole."

"He died that day. Most of them did. I didn't ask for the details. The surviving ones were arrested except for one."

"The abusive boyfriend."

"I couldn't reach out to Lil after the way things ended in Philly and our mom had already died, I had nobody but Cliff. He came to the motel to get me. I hadn't been involved in any of the dealing but I knew about it so there was the chance somebody could sell me out. He was also being looked for. We ran away together. There was nothing else I could have done."

"I can't fault you for that." The weight you just lifted off my shoulders.

"You were born in Vermont. We couldn't risk going to a hospital, nor could he afford one so we found this midwife willing to help us without either of us having to sell our organs. She was a very sweet old lady but no-nonsense when it came to the birth. It was just me and her for 16 hours. It had rained that entire day but just before you were born the clouds parted and I could see the stars and the moon so clearly. I really thought we'd be alright in that moment. You, me and Cliff. It seemed like it could all work out." I'm so, so sorry… Great now I'm crying!

"But it didn't, now did it? When did things get bad? Was I too fussy? Did I make Cliff angry?" No, no, no, no, baby none of this mess is because of you!

"Nothing that happened with him was your fault. He had been somewhat decent during the pregnancy but after you were born he got worse… with the using. We depended on odd jobs to survive and he started getting mad whenever I yelled at him for losing one. You must have been two months old when he started…hitting me. I didn't have the means to leave. I had to swallow my pride and figure out a way of getting to Philly and taking you with me. We'd be near family, no longer alone. I decided our father might be a better place to start. I had to stay with Cliff for 5 months, saving all the pennies that I could to get myself from the place in Jersey we were living in at the time to Philadelphia. The beatings got worse and one day… please forgive me…"

"I can guess, take this please." She's handing me a fucking Kleenex while I bawl my eyes out telling her all the stuff I swore she'd never hear until 30, mother of the year right here!

"I shouldn't have told you this, you're not supposed to think about stuff like this at 12."

"I'm not a normal 12 year-old mommy dearest." She's smiling at me again, and she called me mommy… sort of… for fucks sake am I crying even harder?

"I couldn't… I…I… was too weak… and… it… helped me hold on… I swear it didn't get to a full blown addiction until a month before I left with you. Please forgive me-"

"I was given a clean bill of health at the hospital after Mom and Uncle Scotty found us. You may have been on drugs but you clearly cared about my wellbeing."

"I did…"

"The part I don't get is why you didn't come back for me after rehab."

"It's the biggest shame of my life." A black hole of shame really.

"Please. I promise I won't judge. I… just need answers. And nobody can give them to me but you." You win. I'll still omit some less PG bits though and you can't stop me.

"The night before Lilly was to come get me I panicked. I knew I'd fail at staying clean eventually and that I'd break your heart and hurt her all over again. I convinced myself you'd be better off not remembering me. Lil was so great with you I didn't doubt you'd grow up with a loving parent. Now what would happen if the two of us moved out and I started drinking or went back to that stuff? Or what would you think of me if we stayed with her and you had a parental figure that did everything right and a mess shaped like me on the couch? She didn't need a second child to raise and you didn't need to stop being one like we did because of our mother. The pressure was so much that I ran from the clinic and undid all the work I'd done. I thought it would help me deal with that barrage of doubts but I soon as I gave in I felt the most overwhelming guilt. And shame. I couldn't go home to you after that. If I couldn't even keep on the straight and narrow for you what worth was there to me? I just wanted to disappear. I left a note on Lilly's door telling her to forget me and I found a lawyer to help me with your adoption papers. I sent them to her and got a phone call from the lawyer telling me she'd signed them. You'd been accounted for. You were safe with somebody way better for you than me. That was the last thing I remember for a while. I was gone from my own mind for what turned out to be a lot longer than it felt." Way to relieve the worst part of your life in two minutes or less.

"And then you were in an accident?" It wasn't really accidental but we agreed on this little white lie for her sake.

"Yes. I realized when I woke up that I didn't want to die. I wanted to fix my relationship with my sister and I wanted to make something of myself so that one day you could be proud of me-"

"Like my grandmother was of yours." Huh… she's finishing my sentences.

"Lil told you about your nana Ellen huh?" I hope she picks up that "nana" was sarcastic.

"I had to drill her for years to get that info. Is my middle name Elena as some sort of homage to her?" I'd sooner have named you after my rental Mustang. And I was the favorite daughter!

"Not really… coming up with a middle name was turning out to be very complicated and then one night I was driving with the car radio stuck in an oldies station and this Billy Joel song about some girl named Leyna started playing. You had never kicked me that hard or for so long before. I thought Leyna was an unusual name and Elena sort of popped into my head and it fit better with Masie. I hope those kicks were of appreciation and not of protest." She perked up at "Billy Joel", could those feet on my ribs have been intentional?

"The man is a treasure! Uptown Girl is the first song I remember loving, like… soul-deep-loving. I've been collecting his albums on second hand vinyl records since I was 8!" Guess I hit bullseye on that one.

"You were right, you're not a normal 12 year-old at all." That excitement I just witnessed is the trademark of one though.

"If you bought a Tiger Beat in hopes of understanding me you wasted some change."

"Glad I didn't." Thought about it though.

"So what did you do after the accident? Rehab again and then?" She won't let it go… she must drive Lilly insane, they're so alike.

"I stayed at that clinic for two years. Then I found a cheap apartment and enrolled in night classes at community college. I always did better in rehab when I tried to help incoming fellow patients, I figured that out of this whole ordeal I might have gotten my calling. I lived with three …ex-circus performers and an Uber driver. I worked at a beauty salon during the day and at a rental bike shop on weekends to afford the place and the classes." The circus performers were really two strippers and a prostitute, I've put her through enough heavy themes today already.

"You could have moved in with us." No I couldn't. For all our sakes.

"I needed to prove to myself that I could handle being alone before I could even begin to consider going near you. It was a do-over of my early twenties." My entire early adulthood truth be told. And she hasn't said anything back yet… shit.

"You ok kid?"

"Yes I'm fine." The classic not-fine answer. Lilly and I are frequent users.

"You can be angry at me for that you know? Even if you agree that my staying away was for the better it's okay to be mad that I could have been around and wasn't. You don't need to pretend it doesn't hurt or to hide that you think it's unfair that you were given a birth mother that needed a timeout to figure out how to be responsible adult. I agree it is."

"I am a little bit angry truth be told." Of course you are, even I'm angry at myself!

"You're almost a teenager. You'll feel even angrier soon. But eventually it will wear thin until there's almost none left. And you'll be old enough to handle the bit that remains. And who knows, you may even forgive me."

"I forgive you." Oh honey…

"Someday I hope you'll really be able to mean it."

"I am grateful you gave me to my Mom. That I really mean."

"You're welcome." Don't cry again, don't cry again, don't cr-

"So how that degree you got turn out?" A distraction! Yes please!

"I am now a counselor at the same clinic where I used to be a patient. It keeps me in check, being reminded of the hell detox is. Whenever I walk someone out that is done with the program I feel like I've done something good. Like I helped them reach what I didn't even think was possible for me. I'm doing something good with the life I was wasting you know?" That's a nod from her, that's good.

"The clinic is an hour drive from here, I live there but if you'd like I could drop by once in a while."

"Maybe start with holidays and birthdays?" YES!

"Seems like a lovely place to start."

"I have something to confess to you." Oh shit, what if the tells me something horrible? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS!

"Remember when you graduated and Mom dropped by to congratulate you?"

The day I knew she officially forgave me? "Yes."

"I was supposed to see you too. But I chickened out. Stayed in the car with Uncle Scotty, only saw you from afar." She was willing to see me then? Without really knowing me?

"You don't need to feel bad about that. You wouldn't even have been 10 yet and had no idea who I was, I would probably have done the same." She wanted to see me then? That's still something to wrap my head around.

"I panicked in the car. I kept thinking what if she doesn't live up to my mind? What if she doesn't like me? What if I scare her off?" What if I scared you off?

"I can tell you right now you don't scare me and that so far I like you just fine." I took her hand in mine almost like a reflex and she's not taking it back from me! "There's a bit too much of Lilly in you but that will be good in the long run. Even if it will drive me just a little crazy." The hand is still here, not freaking out… I can't even lie to myself.

"I'm not really sure what I expected of you but I'm ok with what I got." She just squeezed my hand back?

"A little apprehensive of everything you've just told me but time will help." The hand is gone. It's okay, I still can't believe she was that comfortable with me.

"Take whatever time you need. When you're up to it feel free to call."

"What about tonight?" Excuse me what?

"You process stuff fast girl!"

"Mom said that if this went over well I could invite you over for dinner. Just the three of us. You can tell me all the embarrassing stories about her you can remember and I can finish answering your questions about me. I never told you what my feelings on boys and horses were."

I can't tell if that charm comes from me or from Lil "That seems lovely."

"As for calling, you think we could write instead? I've always wanted a pen pal." God she's a nerd… an adorable nerd, how does anyone ever say no to her?

"I'll buy some stamps on my way to your house." She smiled again! I might be better at this than I thought.

A car pulls over near the park entrance and honks. Inside two boys wave at Masie.

"I guess it's my time to get going. I have a science project with Gabe we want to finish today. That's him and his brother Em, Scotty's older nephew." Her best friend has an older brother with a car, girl knows how to pick 'em.

"Have fun then, well, I mean work hard…" You're a natural Chris. "I'll see you tonight." That's way less awkward. I hope.

She's not moving from her spot, why? Oh!

Masie gives her a quick hug before running off in her ride's direction.

"See ya later!" She climbs into the backseat and waves before they pull away.

"I take it went well." Lil's right behind me isn't she?

Christina turns around to find her sister smirking at her. Yep.

"There was some crying on my part but she handled herself far better."

"She doesn't spook very easily." Except for dogs and wells.

"You've done a wonderful job with her. She's so smart and so mature-"

"12 going on 30." Aww Lil I've never seen you look so proud of anything.

"And terrifying when drilling for information."

"Wonder how she picked that up." Nevermind, that pride just escalated past the atmosphere.

"And nothing like me." Except for those dimples.

"You were sweet like that at some point. I hope she keeps just a little bit of that little girl sensibility."

"Unlike the both of us." She was thinking it too.

"I guess I'm in denial about her growing up."

"The next few years are bound to be interesting."

"Is this your way of telling me you're going to share-in the joys of dealing with a teenager?" I guess it is.

"Lil listen, I'm not going to snatch her away. She's your girl by now. I might drop by once in a while but I want her to stay with you, I will not risk putting her through our childhoods." I'd sooner die.

"You're not mom Chris." Thank you Lilly, you have no idea how long I waited to hear that from you.

"Maybe someday I'll grow up to be just like my big sister."

"You're just fine now." She feels the need to punctuate that by throwing an arm around my shoulders? Might as well tease her a bit.

"Speaking of fine you and Scotty…" A-ha! She tensed for a second there!

"He's just my partner and my closest friend."

"Sure he is Muñequita."