Prompt: Sirius has a different Animagus form and no one realises that they are in fact not dealing with a regular animal.

"Uhm, Harry, what was that?" Hermione wanted to know as she watched Malfoy's retreating back, a suspicious, yellow liquid dripping from his robe, while Crabbe and Goyle had fainted dead on the spot. Honestly, couldn't she leave the boy alone for five minutes without him getting into some sort of trouble?

"I just showed him my snake," Harry replied off-handedly, far too calm for that kind of admission. The Gryffindor witch missed a step and immediately went through her memories of all interactions between Harry and other boys she could remember. While his friendship with Ron looked normal, the one with the Weasley twins made her pause.

They seemed just a little too friendly with each other, so something must have happened, probably after the Quidditch practices if the rumours about the locker rooms could be believed. There was nothing which indicated a romantic interest, but then again, the twins were nothing if not sneaky. That, however, still did not explain his sudden interest in Malfoy. Or why the Slytherin ran away while his goons fainted. Harry was thirteen, he couldn't be that well endowed, right?

"Oh Harry, that's alright," the brunette soothed as she drew him into one of her patented hugs. While unexpected, there was nothing wrong with her friend's attraction to other boys. Yet at the same time, Hermione had noticed that he also had the tendency to sneak glances at her own breasts, or any pair really, when he felt like she wouldn't notice. She, therefore, concluded that Harry had to be bisexual.

With that realisation, Hermione began making up a list of suitable dates who were better than Malfoy. Alright, maybe she would have to set the standards a little higher, because better than Malfoy only excluded most of the Slytherins, Zacharias Smith and Filch. And Harry deserved better than that. Maybe Justin Finch Fletchley, who seemed rather down to earth despite his rich parents, or Sue Li, the Welsh redhead whose father came from one of the Dependent Territories.

"Uhm, what?"

"It's fine, I don't judge you."

"I... I don't understand," Harry mumbled from somewhere in her mane while wrapping an arm around her neck. Honestly, what else had he expected, that she'd run away screaming?

"Don't move?"

Now it was Hermione's turn to be confused since she could feel both his hands on her back, and yet there was an arm around her neck. Which was silly, since Harry only had two arms, so what the hell was going on here? However, before she could ponder thing further, something long and red entered her peripheral vision and she found herself face to face with a snake. An honest to god snake, right here at Hogwarts, draped across her neck...

A small part of her mind noticed that its white stripes were kind of pretty and the animal even appeared to be grinning widely. While definitely a comical expression on a reptile, it still took Hermione a lot of effort not to scream. Or to shriek. Or to squeal. Or make any other embarrassing noise when you suddenly found a Red Milk Snake wrapped around your neck.

"Hermione, meet Sirius, Sirius, Hermione"

The reptile replied with a hiss and the witch found it both fascinating and very creepy to watch her friend talk to a snake. The one time in the duelling club had been a little too chaotic for an in-depth study and now that she was watching Harry's tongue move in a completely inhumane way, she felt the desire to write herself on the number one spot of his dating prospects.

"Where did you get him?" she asked slowly, still a little wary of the animal.

"At the edge of the forbidden forest. Apparently, he lived there for a long time since he actually knew my parents. You wouldn't believe the stories a snake could tell you."

"Stories?"

"Yeah, like how my dad spent a lot more time breaking rules and sneaking around the Forbidden Forest or Hogsmeade than actually learning anything. Or that he spent years making a fool out of himself because he tried to woo my mum but, well… kept making a fool out of himself."

"Well, once word gets out what a parselmouth can do with his tongue you won't be having problems with wooing anyone," Hermione blurted out while thinking about engineering a situation where Lavender Brown would see a practical demonstration. The blonde would make sure that this information would spread like wildfire and Hermione would make sure that there was a good silencing charm around Lavender's bed because her roommate couldn't get that one right if her life depended on it. With a horde of eager witches trying to have their wicked way with him, any blonde Slytherin would quickly be forgotten... Wait, that had just been a misunderstanding, Harry had no inclination towards any Slytherin, or any boy for that matter… Wait, had she said something out loud? "Uhm…"

"What?"

"Uhm… nothing," Hermione replied as fast as humanly possible, but Harry appeared unconvinced. And Sirius' uproarious laughter, which sounded all kinds of disturbing considering that it was just a string of odd hissing sounds, didn't help things. Her friend had a short parseltongue conversation and then promptly blushed in a lovely shade of red while his new pet made some exaggerated tongue gestures which summarized the reasons why Harry wouldn't have to worry about wooing witches in the future.

"So you found a... how long is it?" Hermione tried to change the topic immediately wished that the ground would open up and swallow her whole. "I mean, how long is your snake? Wait, that's not better…"

"Uhm… I don't know, probably around six feet, maybe seven," her friend replied with the decency to ignore the double meaning.

"You found a six-foot snake and decided to adopt it?"

"Sure. Besides, he's a lot nicer than the last one I talked too. And not venomous," Harry pointed out and Sirius nodded again, half of his body moving up and down while still shaking with laughter. Both of which were acts that no snake should be doing, but then again, Harry was currently talking to it.

"Harry, just because it's not a basilisk... You know what, it's only Tuesday and I don't want to end up grey before we graduate from Hogwarts. Just keep her away from my bed, alright?" Hermione sighed and chose the path of least resistance. There were many reasons why her friend should not keep Sirius, but she was not getting paid enough to worry about that. Well, she was not getting paid in the first place, despite that keeping Harry out of trouble was a full-time job. Especially with Sirius Black still on the loose. But that was a topic for another day, especially since Sirius, well the snake named Sirius, was surprisingly good at neck massages. Perhaps she should even get one of these magical snakes for herself, if only to slither every knot out of her tense shoulders.

"So, have you taught him any tricks yet?"