In which Aqua end up banished as a Pillar (Wo)Man, Kazuma end up reincarnated as the third JoJo, Darkness being a Hamon user, and Megumin is now the little sister of Yoshikage Kira.

Nothing could go wrong here, right? Right? Uh... right?

.

**** STARDERP TENDENCY *****

Chapter 1 - Prologue

"Why it always ends like this..." I opened my eyes as being awakened in a familiar room yet again. Oh well, died again, but this time the threat of Demon King should've ended as myself and Darkness sacrificed ourselves to ensure that the Demon King finally dies and...

"That was ~aaah... maaa... zinnnngggggg~ Kazuma!" said Darkness as she rolled her body at my side. Well, that was expected, an explosion that should destroy the Demon King will also harm Darkness, and since Eris is her friend, letting her be revived again should be easy, that was my intent all along, even as I present this to Darkness as a way to get a heroic sacrifice and nudging her masochism to the ultimate limit.

I look at the chess-patterned floor, and how Goddess Eris was seated in front of us with her hands covering her mouth. Wait, why was she shocked to see us anyway, Chris should already know about the plan to sacrifice myself and Darkness as I already informed her in advance, yes?

But as I look across the room, I spotted another two bodies in a tangled heap just across.

Oh shit! How could this be! Megumin was never supposed to die in the first place! Let alone the only source of our resurrection, Aqua! Did the boosted explosion end up literally being the megaton powered nuclear explosion, of all things?

"AQUA YOU IDIOT! YOU SAID THE PLATFORM WAS A SAFE ONE!" screamed Megumin as she rises from the tangled heap that is Aqua's hair.

"Now with Aqua herself dead, how could we resurrect ourselves!?" I screamed in panic while Aqua slowly opened her eyes.

"Eh, what? How we... why do I feel..." said Aqua weakly.

"Ano, I am sorry Aqua-senpai, but you and Megumin-san have plummeted to your deaths when the aftershock of the explosion blow you away from where you two were standing," said Eris while scratching her right cheek.

"How could we get revived now?!" cried Megumin. "Aqua is dead, and so does us!"

"Is... is that you, Goddess Eris?" said Darkness who immediately forgot why she died at the first place and start prostrating in front of her Goddess. "I die happy to be able to see you My Goddess!"

"Total Party Kill," I muttered under my breath as looking at how pathetic it was to suddenly end up with everyone in the party dead when the supposed number of deaths was only two.

"ERIS-SAMA! REVIVE MEEE!" said Aqua while bawling and shook the lithe body of Goddess Eris all the way from her shoulders.

...

"I am sorry but there is no way you could be revived again, Aqua-senpai for resurrection requires another one who knows resurrection to cast them on my realm," said Goddess Eris with an awkward smile while Aqua basically keeps shaking her.

Suddenly a beam of light was seen coming from the top down, and I could see a young man with long hair, thin beard, and looks that remind me of someone that I can't really recall, descending from the light.

"Drunk at work, misusing your powers, sowing and creating chaos in another realm..." said the newcomer who looks unamusingly towards Aqua, which somehow ends up immediately release her grip from Eris and hiding behind my back, I could feel the useless Goddess shook herself in fear.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi!" I immediately recognize the newcomer, sure, the thorny crown under his cowl and robes are a bit off-putting, but I do recognize his face from Star Wars.

"Uh..." said the newcomer while sporting a friendly grin. "No my child, it is I..."

"Jack Sparrow! But why are you dressed like that?"

"..." aside of Darkness and Megumin, who just sit confused on the floor, for somewhat reasons, the two Goddesses here face faulted to the ground.

"You didn't recognize me?" said the man while pointing his own face towards my own face, all while Aqua immediately jump and hide behind Darkness.

"Wait a minute, you face did seem familiar... but... You are Eddard Stark!" I tried to guess some more, but the man just shook his head while moving closer.

"See the holes? These are where nails were inserted to fix me on the Cross at the Calvary." said the man while offering his wrists in front of my face.

"You must be a masochist! Like Darkness!" I said in surprise.

"That must be the ~beeest~ thing ~eeever~!" Darkness' face turned red in pleasure, imagining all the pains this new guy must be going through, and I could see the new guy slap his hand across his face while blood pouring from under his thorny crown.

"I am Jesus Christ." said the man and something immediately clicked on my head as I prostrated myself. How in the seven hell that the Christian God suddenly turned up at this moment. "Relax Satou Kazuma, you do nothing wrong as you were never a Christian at the first place."

"But they're Goddesses, and you... you..."

"Celestial Bureaucracy my child, a lot of Gods exist in the universe. Just relax, misidentifying a God is never an offense at the first place, and everyone does tell me that I look like Ewan McGregor, Johnny Deep, and even Sean Bean."

"Sumimasen! Sumimasen! Sumimasen! Sumimasen! Sumimasen! Sumimasen!"

"Anyway my child, Satou Kazuma, as your quest has ended, will you choose to go to heaven, or do you want to be reincarnated?" said Jesus with a calming smile on his face.

I look toward Megumin and Darkness, and especially toward Megumin, as I realize if I were to be reincarnated, this could be my final goodbye to them.

"What about them? Jesus-sama?" I mentioned to my two human companions which I already grow attached to.

"Ah, Lalatina Ford Dustiness and Megumin... Of course, they would be given similar choices."

"You are a God right?" said Darkness while having his faces turned red. "May we discuss things about how to get your wounds? I ~waaant~ them..."

"Uh... no... Just... why not you three discuss your choices first and took your time?" said Jesus with a smile.

I immediately move toward Darkness and Megumin, and now we look toward how Aqua was pulled out from her hiding places by two angels.

"Aqua, daughter of the Drowned God Ktholo and Storm Goddess Ran; Goddess of Water, Healing, Arts, Party Tricks, Drunkenness, Debt..." said Jesus solemnly, and we could only snickers as those three last titles were truly Aqua's domains.

"Jesus-sama... no... But I have defeated the Demon King..." cried Aqua while flailing helplessly as the angles hold her in place.

"You broke many of the important laws of Celestial Bureaucracy, it is only right and just that you lose your position as a Goddess and become a fallen one."

"But Jesus-sama! I do the same thing that Wukong does, and why am I the one who got punished!" Aqua cried.

"Buddha bailed Wukong, Buddha always bailed your on and off again boyfriend Wukong, and guarantee for his behavior, don't you ever learn? I understand that your mother has died and your father already demoted from Godhood as well following on his sheer mismanagement of the Ironborn, so he currently stays as a Demon King in Planetos, so..." said Jesus with a sad smile.

"Tell my auntie Lucoa the Quetzalcoatl! She will guarantee for my bail!"

"Your aunt has fallen from the Godhood after getting drunk and causing an extreme ruckus in heaven..." said Jesus calmly.

"Tell my uncle God of The Greens!"

"He is currently sealed at the Land beyond the Wall and waiting to be replaced with a crippled boy. He can't leave his place right now, not that the Celestial Bureaucracy wants to touch Planetos ever again until the current ruckus ended."

"Tell my little brother Aizen-chan that his onee-chan needs his help!"

"I am sorry but Aizen already fell and his memories of being God of Illusion and Manipulation are currently being wiped out, he cannot help you because the Soul King still keeps an eye upon him."

"Tell my great-great-grandfather Nurgle..."

"Still busy fighting against the Heaven-damned anathema with Khorne, Tzeentch, and Slaanesh while trying to salvage as many sentient beings as they could from the grip of the Heaven-damned imperium of the anathema; The Celestial Bureaucracy told them to just destroy the universe they currently reside on so that the threat of anathema could be finally eradicated before he gained powers to take the multiverse."

"I do not want to become a fallen Goddess!" cried Aqua.

"But you already are," said Jesus calmly while gesturing his hand to make a portal.

"No! I don't want it! Nooo! Forgive me Jesus-sama!"

"You shall be reborn and repent your for sins as a pillar of stone. You shall be stripped of most of your powers, for this is your penance," said Jesus before the angels toss her inside the portal.

Man, I do feel bad for Aqua... but who am I to stand against the judgment of the Gods?

Goodbye then, Aqua... I can't believe that I already started to miss you... you're a useless Goddess, but you are our useless Goddess...

...

I looked at my side and I could see both Megumin and Darkness being unusually silent, it seems that they too understand the gravity of the situation.

"Stand, my children," said Jesus as smile returns to his face. "Now, you all could choose to go to heaven or being reincarnated."

"Jesus-sama, if we reincarnated, can we meet again?" I said the obvious question.

"What about my family?" said both Megumin and Darkness in unison. Oh well, this is the real goodbye then.

Jesus just smiled and conjured a screen in front of us.

"Lalatina Ford Dustiness, in light of your sacrifice, while your death is definitely a tragedy for your family, the Gods decides to cure both your father and your cousin Sylphina of their illness. Your father end up adopting Sylphina to be his heir, and he still has long years to live, we guarantee you," said Jesus before adding up. "With the defeat of the Demon King, Princess Iris will at least have a sense of closure, Eris will go there as Chris and explain everything to her..." said Jesus while showing what will happen on the screen.

"Eh... Jesus-sama... but... that was my..." said Goddess Eris while scratching her cheek.

"Do not worry Eris, while you do break the laws of the Celestial Bureaucracy, you are doing so to help protect your people. We are not being unreasonable," said Jesus with a smile. "And even I myself enjoy spending time incognito as humans, so..."

"And... my..." stuttered Megumin.

"And Megumin, do not worry about your family and friends, while your death is definitely a tragedy for them, they would be fine. Yunyun already took care of Komekko in your absence, and your parents will deem her as their own daughter. And your cat has been taken care by Wiz... uh... and that's basically it." said Jesus but now his face turned more awkward as after we moved from the heart-tugging scene of Megumin's family, we could see Chomusuke turned big, breathing fire and ransacking a town, while being chased off by Wiz and Vanir on screen. And in the background, we see a giant chicken rampaging as well.

"Uh... Jesus-sama."

"Eris, you need to go there fast! This is an order!"

"Hai, Jesus-sama," said Eris before opening another portal and jumping inside before the portal vanished.

"Who in their right mind let Wolbach run amok like this?" said Jesus while scratching his head, and I could sense that Megumin hides behind my back this time.

"So... uh, do you want us to return to our world?" said Darkness. "It's not too late, right?"

"Nope, you will either choose heaven or being reincarnated, that was just a sealed evil Goddess of Violence and Sloth run amok, Eris will take care of her without having her power suppressed anyway," said Jesus with a smile. "So?"

I looked at Megumin and Darkness before we nod to each other.

"We want to be reincarnated in Japan," I said while keeping myself calm.

"I want to go there together with Kazuma!" said Megumin.

"I guess I'll just tag along then," said Darkness.

"Hmmm... I see," said Jesus with a smile while pointing toward the portal. "You all just need to jump in and you will found yourself reincarnated on Earth again, well to be specific, Japan for both Kazuma and Megumin."

"Hey what about me?" cried Darkness.

"I guarantee you will meet them," said Jesus with a wink.

"Alright, what are we waiting for?" I said while looking toward the portal. "Finally, back to Japan, although not as my old self I presume?"

"As the reward for defeating the Demon King, you will keep your memories here..." said Jesus with a smile.

"Sweet!" I said while trying to jump, but Darkness ends up plunging there first.

"Hey, that's..." I tried to regain my balance, but I wobbled up and also plunged into the portal.

"Wait up for me!" said Megumin while jumping not far behind me.

"JAPAN! HERE I COME!"

But I swear I could hear Jesus said something like "WAIT!"

...

Tokyo, Japan, 1 April 1986

"Jojo, make sure you do not forget anything for your first day at the Highschool!" said my mother while she's putting the last karage inside by obento. Gods, I really missed being a Japanese student again!

"Sure mom!" I answered as I wear my new dark green gakuran on top of my shirt.

Oh well, this school uniform is one of the old design, but I can't help when I somehow end up reincarnated BACKWARD in time, so that I am currently 15 years old Japanese student, being born at 22 January 1971 to my parents, Sadao and Seiko Kujo.

My father here, Sadao Kujo, is a well-renowned Jazz musician, he often goes on tours around the World, only coming back at home once every two months or so. But when he was here, he is a nice man, if rather silent and only speaks openly with my mother. Not that I complained as he is definitely better than my previous father, who should be around my age right now if this is still the same earth I know and love.

My mother here, Seiko Kujo, is a nice housewife with a cheery demeanor and long blonde hair. Oh well, she is actually an American before applying for citizenship change, and her maiden name was one of Holly Joestar before she met and fall in love with my father. She comes from a rich New York Tycoon family, the Joestar family that I didn't seem to recall back then when I still live in 2016 earth.

I have met my grandparents, Joseph 'Jiji' and Suzie Q Joestar only twice when I was just a little boy, and should be three times when I was just a baby. My mother keeps in touch with her parents via telephone and sometimes mail, but it seems that they are often being busy and unable to come here for the last three years. Apparently, my grandfather is one of the richest men in the world, and he controls not only the Joestar Organization real estate company, but also Speedwagon Foundation who controls a significant portion of both oil industry and some more 'esoteric' pursue in America, something which tells me that this earth is not the same earth I used to live on, but no matter, with Jesus, mentioned multiverse exists, I can't help but realize that there are multiple realms out there and such.

I actually seen my great-grandmother, Lisa Lisa, far more often than my grandparents, and believe it or not, she actually seems healthier and younger than my grandmother, even as last year when I see her, she was already freaking ninety-seven years old but still looks as she is in her early fifties. She was apparently an archeologist and kung-fu master or something, as she practices some sort of martial arts named Hamon. She tried to teach me about it by offering that I would go to America to learn it together with my aunt Lala back when I was still in elementary school, but that kind of boring breathing exercises and strict training mentioned by great-grandmother was just not my style, and I refuse. My great-grandmother then laments that my grandfather should've never neglected his training, as she currently effectively only have one heir willing to continue the arts of Hamon.

Yeah, I do have an aunt, born just four years before me, when my grandmother should be already past childbearing age, but then my great-grandmother joked about how my grandfather apparently always had an outrageous amount of luck. She only visited Japan once, and that's back when I was still a baby, so I effectively never met her at all. My great-grandmother and my mother used to call her Lala, so I guess her name would be Lala Joestar or something like standard gaijin name.

Great-grandmother often in routinely visits Japan, Korea, and Northern China for some reasons. Always told us that she tried to look upon something that is called as the Fifth Pillar Man, written in some sort of ancient tablets and scrolls, and deemed as the most dangerous Pillar Man by the ancient Hamon practitioners.

She often told me stories about the younger days of my grandfather Joseph, on how he single-handedly saved the world from the threat of the Pillar Men, and how my grandfather lost his left hand at the last battle when he sent the leader of the Pillar Men into space, forever away from the earth.

Yes, I still remember how Jiji joked about his left-hand being cut or missing, only to reveal that it's the 'clicky-clicky' prosthetic hand, which was made before the start of the Second World War. Apparently some part of technology here already more advanced than my original earth, but maybe that's just prosthetics and robotics, as I didn't see any affordable personal computer and there is no internet yet, so I can't just hunker down in my room and become a NEET once again.

And yeah, last time I tried to just sleep away and reading comics for days inside my room, great-grandmother comes at the second week and throw me out of the room with her surprising strength. She proceeds to whip my ass with her scarf, which could impossibly become as stiff as a rod and painful when it hits. Sometimes I do hate having a strict magical Kungfu master as my great-grandmother. Thankfully, she is currently in America and didn't plan to go to Japan until next year or so.

"Finished already Jojo?" said my mother while bringing me the obento as well as my brand-new shoes.

"Yes, mom!" I smiled as my mother raised her hand to put the new hat on top of my head.

And myself? Well, for some weird reasons, my name here is Jozuma Kujo (XX XXX), as in up-hand-horse Kanji before the standard Kujo family name. Maybe this is just how the reincarnation functions as I still maintain my memories about my latest adventures, but apparently not my magic and skills.

Not that I was too bothered by that, being a schoolboy again is already great, and having a rich family even better.

As I tidy up my brown hair under the hat, I can't notice to see my mother smiled.

"You're just like your grandfather when he was younger." said my mother.

"Thanks, mom!" I smiled while looking at myself in a mirror. Oh well, apparently I scored big upon the genetic lottery, being already 185 cm tall and having very defined musculature despite I spent most of the time lazing around. I have brown hair and green eyes, which apparently is the same coloration of my grandfather back then when he's still young, but now with my face being partially inherited from my father instead of my grandfather's western one. Instead of arranging my hair like the old photos of my grandfather, I decided to put them in the familiar shaggy hairstyle I used to have before the reincarnation, for the old time's sake if anything, as I do feel both Megumin and Darkness should still easily recognize me with this style, even as I become taller and more muscular.

"Be careful!" said my mother as I walked out of my house and toward the school.

Oh, Gods, I love to be Japanese again!