Chapter 2- You Hate Me, You Love Me

Kurt knew that after his performance, he would incite a lot of questions and a lot of doubt regarding the person he actually was, rather than the persona he had pretended to adopt.

But he hadn't counted on his metamorphosis reaching everybody school-wide. He figured that the jocks would see him in "regular" clothes and realise that he wasn't so different to them, but that was giving them way too much credit.

So as Kurt walked down the hallway the following day, dressed in an old band tee and leather jacket, he didn't expect the locker shove that came. He supposed he really shouldn't have been surprised, that way the way of the world. They probably thought he was trying to sneak past them by being 'normal'.

The truth of the matter was that Kurt was trying to be 'normal'. This was normality for him, free of the social restrictions that he had admittedly placed upon himself as a defence mechanism. As he had mentioned in Glee Club the previous day, it had been easier to pretend as though he was the walking stereotype everybody believed him to be, but once the option to be himself had presented itself, it was the only thing he could do. The effort he had expended every day to pretend almost killed him. And it wasn't as though he could blame it on anybody, he had chosen such a life, but now that he was being true to himself, there was everything to play for. He just prayed that Glee Club would get used to it quickly.

He knew that the first interrogation would come from Mercedes. The girl was outrageously opinionated and could try to dictate his life with the best of them. Kurt both appreciated and resented that about her. On one hand, she had helped him become less meek and grow into himself, but she would also shoot him down if he didn't fit her criteria for certain things. Like now, for instance.

She stuck out a hand and slammed his locker door, leaning on it and folding her arms. "So when were you going to tell me about…all of this?" She waved a hand up and down his body.

Kurt sighed. "Mercedes, I never wanted to lie to you, I promise you that. I just knew that I'd have an easier time if I did what everybody expected. It seemed like the path of least resistance at the time, but now I see that was a misjudgement."

"You could have just told me."

Kurt's eyes darkened. "We both know that I couldn't have, Mercedes."

"And why not?"

Kurt actually grinned at how vindictive he was about to be, but he needed to prove his point. He may not have been the diva everyone thought he was, but he was still stubborn as a mule. He got that from his father. "Did you know that before we met, I have never even touched an issue of Vogue?"

She gasped.

Kurt nodded. "And I enjoy shopping, but not for clothes. It's awfully tedious walking from store to store, not even really knowing what you're looking for."

Mercedes actually sneered at him. "So our entire friendship is based on lies?"

"Yes," Kurt admitted. "When you first started talking to me about my outfit, I knew what type of friendship it would be. I'm the gay best friend."

Mercedes gaped, wounded by that accusation. "Kurt…you mean more to me than just your sexuality."

Kurt pressed his back against the cold locker, taking pride in it being his choice for once, sighing. "Mercedes, what do I actually know about you? I know you like fashion, and Aretha Franklin, and I know that you're Christian, but I don't really know that much about you. And it's been a year since we became friends.

"So that leads me to realise that our entire conversations have been based around fashion, and musicals, and the stereotypical stuff."

Mercedes shifted in her stance and dropped her arms. She knew that he was right, she just wasn't willing to admit it. Kurt could be stubborn, but so could she. Kurt was supposedly her best friend. If that relationship was superficial, then what else did she have to show for herself? What other relationships in her life were real? She certainly didn't know that much about Tina, or Artie, or Rachel. And for Kurt to reveal all of this hurt her, much more than the lies did, even though there was a mutual blame to be shared. Mercedes being Mercedes, refused to take it. "Well Kurt, maybe if you actually told me who you were, we could've built something real. But you spent sophomore year lying to everyone, so when were we supposed to do that?"

Kurt smiled, shaking his head. "Mercedes, given everything I told you about myself today, what part of that draws you in? Do you want to play video games with me? Learn Krav Maga?" His face softened. "Look, I'm really sorry about the pretence. I know that I did something awful, pretending to be someone else isn't cool. But it was self-preservation, and now I've realised that I don't need to hide anymore."

Mercedes grimaced. "Well, good for you, Kurt, but maybe it's a bit too late for that. Oh, and saying that you're gay when you're really bisexual, not cool."

Kurt swallowed heavily. He did feel guilty about that. When bisexual erasure was so heavily present in society, he was just another pretending to be gay because people deemed it more acceptable. He hadn't seen it like that when he made the decision, though. He had reasoned to himself that nobody would buy it if he announced that he was interested in girls, too. They would assume that he was trying to cover up the fact that he was and, instead, it had happened the other way around. He had been scared.

But it had felt good to say it. I'm bisexual. When the world expected him to be one thing, it felt good to admit that he wasn't all they had assumed. And maybe he could talk about girls without it being weird with the other guys.

"Do you seriously think that anyone would've believed that I was interested in girls?"

Mercedes sighed. "I suppose not, but you've talked so many times about being yourself and having pride in that, when all you did was hide. When I said I had a crush on you, all the girls thought that I was crazy. They told me to stop wasting my time. I probably should've really listened to them and found myself a friend who was going to be completely honest with me."

And people thought Kurt was dramatic. This was pushing Rachel Berry territory, and suddenly Kurt was swept up in the diatribe he was going to get from Rachel sometime during the day. He hoped that she would at least recognise his talent in his performance.

"I'm being honest with you now, Mercedes. If that's too late for you then fine, we don't have to be friends if you don't want to. I know what I did wrong, I've apologised, and I've demonstrated that I want to atone with complete honesty. I can't do much more than that, so it's up to you."

Mercedes shrugged. "I don't see how we can go back to what we were."

"I know," Kurt agreed. "What would we do on weekends?"

She could sense the sarcasm and slight derision in his voice and she didn't like it. "Just…don't talk to me, Kurt."

Mercedes walked away, and Kurt knew that she was lashing out because now she had to rethink all of her friendships. Obviously he felt bad for deceiving everyone, especially Mercedes, but he didn't want to linger on the choices he once made, or the reasons he made them. He was coming clean now, and everyone else would have to deal with that. Kurt faced the slight realisation that he might lose all his friends, and he accepted that, such was the price of lying.

He sometimes thought about whether he was a good person for doing something like this. He lied to everyone, but he saved himself the complications of high school. Slushy facials he could deal with, locker shoves were no problem after a while, but the thought of someone looking at him and not understanding him or telling him he should be someone else? That hurt like crazy. The physical was all superficial, he never cared when someone insulted his face, or his voice, but if they insulted his character, that was the stuff he took to heart.

He truly didn't think himself a dishonest person, it had just happened somewhere along the way. And now he could start fresh, with his own identity, rather than one that had been forced upon him from an age that was too early to decide such a thing.

It was coming toward the end of lunch when Rachel finally ambushed him.

Kurt had finished his food and was preparing to exchange his books for the afternoon when she stormed up to him, anger in her eyes.

"How could you?"

Kurt sighed, predicting that she would be dramatic and make it all about herself and the Glee Club. "Go on, Rachel. Say your piece."

Rachel took a deep breath and Kurt suddenly knew that he was going to be late for class. "I cannot believe that you would purposefully mislead everyone like that. We're in Glee Club, we talk about accepting everyone for exactly who they are no matter what. And you talked a big game about that, but really you were just being fake."

Suddenly Kurt paid attention to what she was holding. She wouldn't.

Rachel sneered. "You know, Kurt. You can change your hair, you can change your clothes, you can change everything about yourself but you will never change the fact that all you are on the inside is rotten."

Kurt blinked, taking a slight step back. "Like you aren't doing the same thing, just a lesser degree of permanence."

Rachel frowned angrily. "Don't compare the two of us."

Kurt smiled softly. "It's not a character assassination, that would be hypocritical. I'm just saying that you've done things to fit people's perceptions of you before. The fastidiousness and the drive is yours, Rachel, but you're not as arrogant as everyone might think. You want people to think you're this big diva, but you're just as insecure as everyone else. You try to hide it with smug remarks and obnoxious opinions so people don't see how scared you are."

Rachel nodded casually. "You might be right, Kurt. So I have a defence mechanism, sue me."

Kurt smirked. "So you get my point."

"It's one thing to have a defence mechanism, it's another to completely invent another personality just to try and make yourself stand out."

"That's not why, and I think you know that. You're angry and you have every right to be, but don't pretend like what I did was something so unimaginably evil. So I traded ballet for martial arts, rom-coms for superhero movies, I didn't say that I had a terminal illness or something like that."

"You may as well have," she snapped.

"Rachel, don't be so dramatic, I—."

And that was when Rachel Berry threw a slushy at Kurt Hummel.

She smirked, dropping the cup on the ground, leaving him drenched in blue liquid. Luckily, the hallway was quite empty due to Kurt's punctuality, but he still ran away at fast as he could, stumbling into the boys' bathroom, shivering and breathing heavily.

He stared at himself in the mirror, self-worth dripping down into his boxers like the slushy was currently doing.

Perhaps Mercedes had a point. The foundation of almost all of his friendships were common interests, interests that he no longer shared. How was he supposed to connect with them now when everything they had shared was a lie? Kurt hadn't thought that he was lying, so much as altering a few facts about his hobbies. He was still interested in singing and acting, and movies (his love for movies vastly outweighed his love for musicals). He still liked all his subjects, and he really did love the Glee Club and he still hated most contacts. The fact that he spent his free time playing video games and watching martial arts movies didn't mean that he was a completely different person.

Did it?

Kurt realised that he hadn't brought his usual cleanup kit to school with him, so he settled for dying himself off the best he could, including emptying his soaked socks. He fixed himself the best he could, and turned for the door.

As he went to open it, it opened back on him. He was blocked by the bulky form of Noah Puckerman, who was currently looking him up and down.

"Saw the slushy. Brutal."

Kurt folded his arms. "Yeah, well Rachel doesn't quite have your brutality. You used to wait until the hallway was packed so everyone would see my humiliation."

Puck grinned. "It was also so funny watching you squirm."

"You're a dick."

"And you're a dude."

Kurt shrugged. "This isn't brand new information."

Puck shook his head. "No, like a dude's dude. With the video games and fighting and shit. You might actually have been cool. Why hide it?"

Kurt swallowed the anger that bubbled inside him. Did he actually have to explain himself to everyone individually? "I thought if I turned up as myself on the first day of freshman year, nobody would take me seriously. It wasn't that I wanted to fit in, or else I would've stayed the same, but I wanted to ride out high school with minimal drama. I see now that it was a mistake. If I could take it back, I would. Satisfied?"

Puck clearly wasn't, judging by the roll of his eyes. "You're still prissy, then."

"Like I was saying to Rachel, not much has changed."

Puck held up his hands. "I know, Hummel, cool it. I'm just trying to understand this new you."

"Why? You never took any interest before."

Puck folded his arms. "I never wanted to. But when you were singing I realised that I might actually understand what you were talking about."

Kurt quirked a brow. "Really?"

Kurt realised that this was the most open and honest he'd seen Puck be, maybe ever. And he didn't hate it.

"All that stuff about the things that people expect from you? I get that."

Kurt held his hand up. "Is this Noah Puckerman initiating a heart-to-heart?" He mock gasped.

Puck rolled his eyes. "Look, fuck you, Hummel. Why are you the only one who's allowed to be someone other than the person people see him as? You know what, forget it."

Puck turned to leave, but Kurt grabbed his wrist. "Wait, Puck. I'm sorry. I shouldn't mock you. Do you wanna talk about it?"

Puck sneered at him. "Don't you have class?"

Kurt caught another glimpse of himself covered in slushy and grinned sadly. "Nope."

Puck nodded. "Maybe the new you isn't so bad after all."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Try telling that to Mercedes and Rachel."

Puck shuddered. "Uh, no thanks dude. I'll leave that one to you."

"Wise choice."

"Have you ever ditched class before? Like on purpose?"

Kurt shrugged. "I've never had to. But I have French and I'm fluent so it shouldn't really matter."

"Nerd," Puck groaned. "I shouldn't even let you come under the bleachers."

Kurt raised a brow. "According to recent legend, that's where you used to take all of your conquests."

Puck smirked. "What's your point?"

Kurt eyes widened.

"Relax, Hummel, I'm not taking you to the bleachers to fuck. You'd know if I was." Puck jerked his head, signalling for Kurt to follow him, which he did.

The entire way he was wondering what exactly he'd gotten himself in for and when Noah Puckerman became the guy who was sticking up for him.

It was an odd feeling, he admitted, but he was loath to admit that he didn't entirely hate it.