Consequences of Attempting to Ruin a First Date

a fullmetal alchemist fanfic

YAJJ

A/N: Forgive the title isn't it just dreadful I love it. I know I said I was busy, and that this was a HUGE maybe. Well. It's more than a maybe now, so. Enjoy.

Also, the implication can be platonic, or polyamorous. Hughes is, however, not cheating on Gracia. Let me make that perfectly clear.

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.

It may surprise some people, Edward Elric included, to know that Roy Mustang actually liked one Ling Yao.

Ed being supposedly in love with him helped immensely, as did the fact that, to Roy's knowledge, he had been an absolute gentleman and nothing less. He had liked him well enough even before the Promised Day, he had just been… startled, nervous, and frightened the day Ed came in happily saying that he had a date with him. Roy had never had to let one of his own go before, not like that, to trust someone else that they wouldn't be hurt.

Yes, he had let Ed go on hundreds of dangerous missions and the kid had wound up in the hospitals dozens of times as a result. But getting hurt physically, and having his heart broken, were two different hurts and took two different cures, and Roy didn't know the cure to a broken heart. It wasn't a problem he could easily fix.

The morning after Ed came home from his first date, he practically chatted his ear off on the ride back to the hotel. Ed told him every single detail he could think of, what they had for dinner, the color of the fireworks, how warm Ling's hand was, everything he could think of. Roy always knew Ed had little to no filter, but he didn't expect that to be true even now.

At least this was a pleasant thing to have no filter about. At least Ed was happy. And if Ed was happy, Roy decided that he could be happy, too.

He'd still gut Ling if he broke Ed's heart, though. That, he thought, was a given.

But. That was neither here nor there. For now, Ed was enamored, Roy was tolerant, and Ling was surprisingly indulgent of them both. And as long as Ed was safe, healthy, and happy, Roy could deal with that.

For now, he had other things to think about. It was, after all, Tuesday night. Which meant that he and Maes were going…

Well, Roy hesitated to call it a 'date', for many reasons. The event itself was hardly romantic in the slightest, after all. Nevermind that Maes, though in an open relationship, was already married. Gracia knew of their outings and never minded, had even joined them on a few and Roy was happy to have her tag along. Tonight she was going on an outing of her own with, if Roy remembered correctly, Hawkeye. Following the Promised Day, and even Maes' near fatal shooting several months prior, Gracia and Hawkeye had become good friends, frequently taking the time out of their day to go to coffee or let Elicia and Black Hayate play. Roy was pretty sure that she, too, was taking advantage of the openness of their relationship and the understanding of her husband, but he didn't bring it up because he decided that it was rightfully none of his business.

Hawkeye had yet to join them on one of their three-person outings, and that was all he knew.

He and Maes were actually going to go bowling, as they tried to do every Tuesday night that Maes could connive him into. In the months following Hughes' attack, up to and immediately after the Promised Day, such an event hadn't been possible; either Maes was busy recovering or Roy was far too busy plotting to save his country. Eventually they had fallen back into the habit, and Roy was all the happier for it.

There was apparently some event going on in the next building or two over, so there would be "very limited parking" according to the owner of the alley they were going to. Maes had happily informed Roy that he was picking him up and to sit tight, he'd be right there. Maes played the part of the happy and helpful partner/best friend, but Roy knew the truth: he did not want to risk getting in the car with Roy in the driver's seat. Which, Roy thought, was exaggerated, but… fair. He wasn't exactly the world's best driver.

So Roy sat in his home, bowling bag at his side and newspaper in hand, reading the Central Daily. No interesting stories today—always a relief to see.

There was a knock at his door and, two seconds later, the door was flung open with a cheerful "yo, Roy!"

Roy loved Maes to death. Would die for him in two seconds flat. But still… couldn't Maes be a little more respectful of Roy's personal space? For instance, allowing Roy to answer his own damn door?

"Hello, Maes," he deadpanned instead, voice flat in just the right tone that could sometimes piss Maes off.

"Ready to go?" Maes chirped. Roy swore he was a child at the best of times, the way he danced about.

Roy set his newspaper aside and picked up his bowling bag, giving it a shake in Maes' general direction as if to say "yeah, duh".

"Are you?" He wondered halfway snarkily instead. Maes was wearing the most terrible shirt Roy had ever laid eyes on. If Elicia hadn't made it herself, she'd surely helped pick it out. That girl had no sense of style yet. No worse than Ed's, thank god, but as she aged Roy prayed it wouldn't get any worse.

Maes grinned at him. "I am! Bag's in the car! Look at what Elicia made for me—isn't it adorable?! All these colors and shapes! She's a little artist!"

Roy doubted that very much, but he didn't dare say so out loud. He just grunted and turned toward the door. "C'mon, let's go."

"Why? Are you in such a hurry to get your ass ki—"

Both men came to a sharp halt when a door slammed upstairs. Roy and Maes both split a look, in that look confirming that 1) Roy had no one over and 2) Maes had seen no one come in. Roy's hands went to his pockets, sliding a spark glove into place, and Maes' hand disappeared up his sleeve for just a second, emerging with push knife in hand.

What sounded like boots stomped around upstairs, circling around to the top of the stairs. Roy could just see the top step from where he was—it looked like a pair of black boots was about to make its death march right to Maes and Roy. Roy brought his fingers together, prepared to snap.

"Who goes there?!"

The boots stormed down the stairs and, as they descended, they revealed themselves to belong to none other than—Edward… Elric…?

"When did you get here?" Roy asked, blinking hard with the impression that this had to be some sort of illusion or delusion.

Maes stuck his knife back into place in his sleeve (Roy didn't want to know how) and relaxed as Ed approached them, looking slightly rabid. "Oh thank god, it's just you. We thought it was someone dangerous."

"It is," Edward said, his voice dark and drop dead serious. He paid Roy no attention, didn't even bother to acknowledge him yet.

"Without your alchemy, I'm a little less worried," Maes admitted with a shrug. Roy couldn't agree with him—with or without his alchemy, the kid was scary when he wanted to be, and Roy was under the impression that he was trying to make himself as scary as possible. But then, the two of them had seen different sides of the kid.

Ed's eyes narrowed halfway-threateningly. He bared his teeth like some sort of bizarre tiny dog, then marched right over to Maes and smashed his fingertip against Maes' solar plexus. "Ten."

"Pardon… me?"

"I want him home no later than ten."

Maes and Roy both looked to him, surprised by the sudden declaration coming from Ed's mouth.

"Who do…?"

"I want HIM—" Ed stamped his foot and pointed right at Roy. Roy and Maes shared a look without turning their heads from Ed, "home NO LATER THAN ten. Once second, just one second later, and I'll fuckin CLOBBER you, are we clear? I'll CLOBBER YOU!"

"...Ed…?" Roy wondered. What on earth was this about? When and how did Ed even get here?

But, Ed completely ignored him, golden eyes boring into Maes' green eyes relentlessly. He stabbed his finger against Maes' chest again and snarled, "AND! If there is even one thing—ONE THING!—out of place when you get home I PROMISE YOU you're dead. I PROMISE. Are we clear?!"

Roy's eyes were darting back and forth between Maes and Ed. He was so completely, totally, and probably irrevocably lost. What on earth was going on and what had gotten into Ed's head, thinking this was in anyway appropriate, let alone a good idea?

Did he really think that, of all of the people in the world, of all of the shit that had happened in Roy's life and especially the shit that had been going on in the past couple of years, Maes Hughes was going to be the one to hurt him?

And why was Ed being so… protective, he supposed, anyway? Since when had Ed ever been this level of protective for him at all?

"ARE WE CLEAR?!" Ed demanded. Roy was pretty sure the kid was gonna bite Maes' head off if Maes didn't answer in two seconds or less.

Not sure what was going on, Maes nodded hard, looking Ed right in the eyes, and said, "yes sir, I understand completely."

Ed huffed and looked Maes up and down with a sour look on his face. Then he nodded and finally turned on Roy, looking him up and down as well. Roy tried to ask what exactly Ed thought he was doing, but before he could, Ed marched over to him, and patted his shoulders incessantly. He attempted to smooth out Roy's shirt, tugged at the bottom to keep it firmly in place, then stepped back to get an eyeful. He nodded, and said, rather gently this time, "take care, be safe, have fun. But not," he suddenly winked, and a wicked awful smirk crossed his face in the same instant that Roy felt his blood run cold. "Too much fun."

And with that, Ed's surprise inspection was over. He spun on his heel back to the stairs and marched off, while both Maes and Roy watched him with mouths ajar.

"Did…" Maes asked, looking to the floor, then he glanced back up to Roy, "did I just get The Talk from a sixteen-year-old boy?"

Roy looked at him, back to the stairs where Ed had disappeared to (he kind of dreaded what he planned to do), and then back at Maes. And… he remembered.

Instantly, his face went white as a sheet. "Truth's Gate you—you did," he realized, as flashes of Ed's very first date with one Emperor Ling Yao came to the mind and how eerily similar those flashes were to the things Ed had said. "That piece of—"

"C'mon Roy, let it go. You have to admit, it was pretty funny," Maes said with a laugh in his voice. There was something very weird about Ed telling Maes to take care of Roy, as if Roy wasn't a fully grown and capable adult as well as an alchemist well known for his abilities in killing. Roy didn't even have to look Maes full in the face to know that Maes knew that Roy had a story of a sort behind that. He'd likely be telling the details of the fiasco that was the night of Ed's first date to Maes at the bowling alley.

"...Whatever. Let's just get out of here."

Roy snooped all about his downstairs, poking his head into every doorway and corner, looking for his surprise house guest. He had half a mind to give Ed a piece of his mind for the stupid stunt he had pulled earlier. The kid probably thought he was some "hilarious jokester", but he probably wouldn't think so highly of himself when Roy was through with him.

There was definitely evidence that Ed was here and had probably spent at least a little bit of time here before he left (if he even did). There was a dirty plate at the table and his loaf of bread was still left out, sitting patiently waiting for someone to close it back up. A coffee mug sat beside it, empty but definitely used. Roy collected the dishes and set them in the sink to be washed later—for now, it was a matter of tracking down the Elric brat.

The downstairs officially scoured and empty, Roy headed upstairs. There was nothing up there except Roy's bedroom, the guest room, and a bathroom. Despite being two stories, Roy's house was very small, almost compact. A small kitchen and a small living room was all he needed. The only reason he had bought this house in particular was because it had actually ended up less than a two bedroom across the way, despite the den downstairs that Mustang made into his home office and larder.

The door to the bathroom was mostly open and the light was off, so unless Ed was pulling some piece of shit surprise thing he wasn't in there. The door to his room was closed, but it normally was after years of living with his sometimes privacy-invading sisters and then years in the academy and dorms. He cracked it open just to be safe, but the light was off and, when he flicked it on, nothing vile awaited him. His room looked the same it always did.

The last room, the guest room, the door stood ajar but only slightly. Roy assumed that Ed had broken into his home earlier in the evening by coming into this room's window, and had probably left it open, which could make the door swing to nearly closed. That, or a certain thought-he-was-sneaky ex-alchemist was trying to pull some shit.

Roy stepped up to the door and softly pushed it open. There was a little light cracking through, definitely sourced from the bedside lamp. Roy stood in the doorway, door fully ajar, and leaned on the jamb, staring at his apparent house guest.

Edward had in fact stayed the evening, although apparently not for anything sneaky and prankster-ish. He was sat half sitting up on the guest bed. A book had fallen forward against his chest, the spine bending the wrong way spectacularly. Ed drooled where he was, napping. He hadn't even bothered to at least get beneath the covers, the stupid brat. Glancing at the window confirmed it; it was almost fully ajar, likely how Ed had got in. He'd catch a chill at this rate; though it wasn't freezing yet, it was in the middle of autumn and definitely getting low in temperature. Roy went to the window and closed it, locking it to be safe (apparently a habit he had to get back into).

He turned back on the kid, who was sure to have a crick in his neck in the morning should Roy leave him. He took the book, kindly marked the page Ed was on, and set it on the bedside table. He unlaced Ed's boots and removed them, then worked the covers out from beneath Ed without disturbing him too much. He dragged the kid down into a more comfortable position and flicked the covers over him, tucking him in a little for warmth.

Roy stood back up straight and looked down at the stupid brat who had quickly invaded his heart. He didn't know what Ed had been thinking with that little stunt he pulled—probably a chance at revenge—and he didn't know why Ed stayed all night waiting for Roy to get back. He assumed he got distracted, or decided to explore, and discovered the old book he had been reading. Well, four hours after the fact and he was still there. He wasn't too pleased that Ed had broken into his house, but he figured out of everything that could have happened because someone broke into his house, this was definitely the better outcome.

He'd lecture the kid, but let it happen in the morning. For now, Roy was tired, Ed was already asleep, and it could wait.

"Good night, Edward," he whispered, voice soft, and flicked off the bedside lamp. He felt his way out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, leaving Ed to his rest.

He stepped into his room and took the phone, giving Al a call at the hotel so he knew where Ed was. Al sleepily answered and brushed away Roy's apologies for waking him, said that Ed had mentioned something about being out late, and thanked Roy for letting him know. They said sleepy farewells, and Roy hung up.

Yawning, he stepped back out of his room and toward the bathroom. Just a quick pit stop, then he'd head right off to bed. He pushed the door open and moved to flick on the light, but failed to register the soft clang of something metal shifting.

At least, until probably a gallon of water dumped on his head, and a metal bucket smacked him, probably leaving a bump. His shoulders were lifted up to his ears with the surprise assault and he stared down, jaw dropped open, at the offending bucket of water that rocked side to side on his floor. Whatever water hadn't landed on him and soaked into his hair and clothes pooled on the floor, looking like it innocently belonged.

For far too long, Roy didn't move. Didn't really even have the words. Finally, once he gathered his senses and decided that he should probably do something about what had just happened, one word came to mind, and it was all he could think of to do, to say.

"EDWARD!"

Hehe

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Have a good day!