CHAPTER 6 : Gone

The apartment was completely silent. I knew Carter was still there, but he probably had fell asleep. It was impossible for me to sleep after that. All I could think about was how was I gonna do to get rid of them constantly staying in my apartment… And an idea popped in my head. I was gonna fake everything. Fake smiling, fake recovering, fake being okay. It was my only way out. Of course I couldn't just be suddenly so happy but I had to start now.

The next morning, I forced myself out of the bed. I sat in the kitchen, eating cereals and drinking coffee. Carter was gone, Luka replaced him. He seemed quite surprised to see me.

- Hi…

He said hesitant.

- Hi.

I didn't look at him. Too much efforts would ruin the plan.

- How.. How did you sleep ? He asked, observing me while I was eating.

- Good.

He took a bowl, and made himself a bowl of cereals too.

- I didn't expect you to leave your bed yet.

- I didn't either. Miracles happen I guess.

Luka smiled a bit.

- Carter said that…

- I probably already know what he said.

I brutally cut him short.

- Is it really why ?

What ? Was it not enough to his liking ?

- Luka, it's not your business.

- Well… You tried to kill yourself. So, as your friend, I am concerned.

- Don't be.

I stood up, cleaned my bowl and turned to him.

- When is my next day of work ?

- Abby…

- I wanna work.

Luka was against me working again. He wanted me to wait a few weeks maybe months. He wanted me to recover completely first. If I was back to work, they would leave me alone. And that was the ultimate goal.

They had no idea what was going on inside. At night, when I was alone in my room, I would hit my whole body with my fists. I was wearing my old loose clothes again, and if they asked, I would just say I feel comfortable in it.

Susan came to visit once or twice. She was kind of upset with me for what I did. Kerry called and asked how I was doing. I asked her about work. All she said was that it would happen when it needed to happen. Another way of saying not now… Pratt called too. He didn't seem too sure about what he was supposed to say.

I spent weeks faking a recover. I did took some weight, as I was watched every single day. They would cook all my meals, and check my plate afterwards. I hated every bite of food that went in my mouth. I hated them all silently. But after weeks, I started reaching my goal. Carter and Luka stopped staying h24, they were of course still coming every day, but I was not watched every single minute. Slowly, I would have my apartment for myself again. And I couldn't wait for it.

Carter was still upset that I qualified him as the main reason I wanted everything to end. The fact that he left had ruined me. How could I lie about it ? Was I supposed to lie about it, like I lied about everything else, just to make him feel okay with himself ? He asked to know. He asked so many times. I refused to respond, but he was not giving up. He wouldn't have gave up until I told him. Now he knew. When he would come to the apartment, he would do things, like clean the dishes, cook, vacuum, things like that to help. But he would not communicate with me. He was kind of ignore me. And I didn't care.

- You know, it still stress me out to leave you alone.

Luka was standing near my door.

- Why is that ?

- Because I really care about you Abby.

He turned around, opened the door and left. Just like that. His tone of voice was so… No. It couldn't be. Luka was just a friend.

After he left, I spent an hour waiting to see if Carter was coming or not. But it seemed like I was about to spend my first night alone since that day. And maybe It was my chance. My chance of getting rid of all that. The memories, my old life… Just all the things I could not see and handle anymore.

I surprised myself thinking of Luka. Was he gonna hate me ? Was he gonna look for me ? I hoped not.

In a large bag I packed most of my clothes, toiletries and some personal stuffs. I left the apartment and ran to the bank. I took as much cash as I could. I stopped in front of Luka's building. I hoped he wouldn't see me there and left my credit card and mobile phone in his mailbox. I left his building, conscious I could not go back on what I was doing. I had left no letter. No explanation. They already had them. They didn't need to know where I was going, or why. I took my car and drove as long as I could. I ended up in a small town in Alabama. No one would think of searching for me here. I wondered what Carter and Kovac were thinking about at that precise moment. I wondered if they were trying to find me. Or if they thought I was dead. Or if they knew that soon, I would be.