(A/N: This is another request done for Darda Saba! It took FOREVER for me to finally sit down and write this, but I quite like how it turned out :D I'm always a sucker for some Soda action ((how did I not realize until a month ago that Saga+Oda=Soda)) and I really hope ya'll enjoy this kind of angsty one shot)

Saga Masamune had never been so irritated in his life. First, Ritsu decides to interrupt their very nice Saturday afternoon together by kicking him for no logical reason-at least none that he could see-and now Ritsu wasn't even going to show up to the library to at least talk about what happened? Ritsu was kind of spacey, a bit of an air head, and naive, but he wasn't violent or one to get angry easily. So then what the hell was going on?

Saga sighed, shutting the book he had been trying-and failing-to read before leaning back in his chair and staring at the library entrance. He would have to walk in at some point right? Whether it would be to return a book, check a different one out, or to confront Saga and break up with him because of whatever set him off (which the older boy wouldn't accept, now that he thought about the possibility of Ritsu wanting to end their relationship). Either way, Ritsu couldn't avoid the library and his Senpai forever.

And yet, the underclassman managed to avoid the library and his Senpai perfectly, further fueling Saga's annoyance, his worry, and a dreadful fear that had begun to surface. Saga spent multiple afternoon's alone in the library. Now, halfway through the week, he was sick of sitting around and waiting for someone who didn't seem to be coming. He'd have to take matters into his own hands and wouldn't hesitate to do so.

"Ritsu-kun?"

The young freshman girl blinked up at Saga with a confused and concerned expression, echoing the name of the boy he had just inquired about.

"Yes. He and I usually meet in the library after school, but he hasn't been coming lately. So, I was wondering if you or even any of your friends know anything about him or where he is." Saga explained briefly, his true emotions masked with an impassive tone of boredom.

She shifted from foot to foot nervously, bringing one hand up to her mouth to bite on a nail as she considered her next words carefully.

"Did you not hear?" She asked, voice slightly strained. Alarm bells went off in Saga's head.

"Hear what?"

"There...there was an accident this past Sunday…"

What?

"I don't know a lot of details, I wasn't very close with him, but…"

An accident?

"Ritsu-kun passed away…"

Saga stared at her, motionless and unblinking. She could only avert her gaze and swallow tensely.

"...is this...some kind of joke?"

"No! I-I would never joke about something like-!"

"I saw him on Saturday, there's no way-" His voice was trembling, throat feeling like it was closing up and he was left unable to finish his sentence.

"I'm so sorry-"

He briskly walked past her, almost knocking the poor girl over in his search for someone else to give him a better answer, a different answer, any other answer.

Lying, she had to be lying!

He had seen Ritsu with his own eyes on Saturday, just one day before he supposedly 'died', how much could have possibly happened in twenty four hours?!

Why hadn't I gone after him after he ran off? He should've spent the night on Saturday-I should've gone after him and brought him back and made him sit down and talk to me about what was wrong-I should've started asking around about him sooner-I should've known something was really wrong the first day he didn't come to the library-who else is a first year here? Who else would know Ritsu? Why have I never bothered to meet any of Ritsu's friends? They would know about Ritsu! Fuck, I'm such an idiot!

His thoughts were scattered, panicked, and seemingly never ending. Saga, for once, was unable to keep himself composed.

Saga continued to ask around, their faces and answers becoming blurred together.

He passed…

Sorry, were you two close?

Are you planning on attending the ceremony?

No one told you?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry…

Sorry to tell you this, but…

Sorry

Sorry

Sorry

Was that all anyone had to say?

Saga was sick of hearing sorry.

Soft little meows were ignored as Sorata rubbed up against Saga's ankles, the teenager staring blankly ahead as his mother called out in surprise.

"Masamune? What are you doing here? School hasn't let out-" She didn't have time to be worrying about her son cutting class! She had to leave soon to meet with a client! However, her complaints fell on deaf ears as Saga ignored her and headed up to his room. "Masamune!" She called after him as he went slowly up the stairs. She let out a sound of frustration and threw her hands up in defeat. She would either have to worry about this later or have his father deal with it.

Saga was not concerned about his mother as he was sure she would stop caring about him within the hour, shutting his bedroom door just after Sorata managed to slip inside. He sat down among the clutter of books near his bed, knees bent and his arms resting on them, fists clenched tensely.

"Fuck! God fucking damn it!" Saga furiously swatted at a stack of books nearby, causing it to topple over as tears that he had been holding back stung persistently. He fell apart, finding it useless to try to stay calm now that he was within the walls of his room and had the privacy needed to completely breakdown. He began to sob in a rather unsightly manner, his body jerking with every ugly cry as he lost his breath.

Sorata watched in alarm, having flinched away when the books went flying before carefully observing her owner. She had never seen him behave in such a way! Cautiously, she approached him and meowed, but was ignored.

Ritsu was dead.

The weight of that sentence made him gasp for air and grip his hair, shaking his head.

"No, no, no, he can't-he can't be-" Masamune couldn't even bring himself to say the word.

But he had asked around school until his heart couldn't take anymore and he had received the same answer over and over again. Still, Saga could not bring himself to fully face the reality.

He could only picture his sweet Ritsu smiling with emerald eyes shining and cheeks flushed with both embarrassment and adoration, not pale with death. He could hear the excitement in his voice as he shared a new literary discovery, his nervous laughter, the way his words would tremble anytime Saga got too close, the way Ritsu said I love you. He could feel Ritsu shyly wrap his arms around him and then hold on for dear life, his sweating palm pressed against his own, his quivering lips. His Ritsu was far too full of life to just...die.

An all encompassing horror overcame Saga as he feared he would one day forget all these wonderful things about Ritsu. He wanted to remember the shape of his nose, each freckle on his body, the length of his eyelashes and he had no way of preserving these details.

A strangled cry left him at this thought as he tried to wipe away his tears with his sleeve.

"W-What am I s-supposed to do n-now?" He asked no one in particular between ragged breaths. He had no one to express his grief to. His parents didn't have the time for him. He wasn't close enough with anyone to share such a heavy burden with them. He didn't know any of Ritsu's family. He didn't know any of Ritsu's friends. Even if he did, he wouldn't want to turn to them. The only person he wanted was the only person he could no longer have.

"Ritsu...Ritsu…" He muttered his name as though it would bring him back.

Sorata watched in confused concern as her owner continued on his afternoon and night this way until his eyes drooped and he no longer had the energy to cry. She stared helplessly and gave a sympathetic mew as he crawled miserably on to his bed and under his blanket. Soft sniffles left the teen for a little longer before the room was left stewing in a crushing silence.

Saga had hoped his parents would have cared so little that they wouldn't have noticed he was skipping school, but alas they had been contacted by the school enough times for it to have interfered with their work and therefore they cared.

Of course they didn't bother asking why Masamune had skipped Thursday and Friday or why he hadn't seemed to leave his room to even bother eating or why soft cries seemed to be coming from his room every so often, but they did make sure that their son attended the following school day.

Even if Saga wanted to, he couldn't possibly focus on whatever his teacher was droning on about. What did it even matter? He scribbled in his notebook with a blank expression, wishing he were home curled up with a book.

And with Ritsu.

He tried to force the thought away, not wanting to have an emotional breakdown in class, but it was futile.

He took a quiet, slightly shaking breath and rubbed his tired eyes, seeing a few spots as he did so.

Today was going to be a long day.

Saga stood in front of the library, throat tight and eyes burning with the threat to let tears spill over.

This would be healthy, right? It would be good for him?

Or perhaps it was the exact opposite and would only make it harder for him to let go of his deceased boyfriend. That was fine with Masamune, though. He didn't really want to let go anyways, if he were being honest with himself.

With tremulous hands, Saga pushed the door to the library opened before slowly approaching his typical table.

What was he hoping to gain from this? A sense of peace? Closure? A sighting of a ghost? He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and leaned back in his chair. Wasn't that what funerals were for? Last goodbyes and such? Saga didn't know anything about the funeral though, having no contact with any of Ritsu's loved ones, it very well could have happened this past weekend. He held back the urge to let out a groan and instead settled for a sigh and a deep set frown.

Saga wondered if he would even be able to attend the funeral, if given the chance. He probably didn't have the nerve. He couldn't even bring himself to say the words 'Ritsu is dead' and he had tried plenty of times over these past couple days. After all, the first step to dealing with these horrid emotions was accepting the situation, or so Saga figured.

The upperclassman noticed the library doors open and his eyes were drawn to the motion naturally, though he planned on ignoring whoever walked in and continue wallowing in his grief. That is, until he saw who it was.

Ritsu.

Alive.

Looking tired and a little pale and carrying far too many books for his skinny arms, but alive.

Saga jumped up out of his seat and rushed over to him, not caring if he caused any sort of scene. Ritsu's eyes widened in alarm and he froze when he realized his senpai was dashing toward him, gripping the books he was intending on returning tightly as he braced for impact. Saga swirled with a multitude of emotions: confusion, relief, love, and even feelings he couldn't quite put a name to, but he couldn't stop the adoring grin that came to his face. He now stood in front of his previously proclaimed dead boyfriend and briefly wondered if he was going crazy, but came to the conclusion that he didn't care as he gripped Ritsu by his shoulders.

"Ritsu! You're-!"

"Sh!" Ritsu quickly shushed him, glancing around them in a panic as the others in the library looked upon them with both confusion and irritation. "I just came here to return these books before-" Saga impatiently took the novels and set them aside carelessly before pulling Ritsu out of the library.

"Senpai-hey-what are you-?" Ritsu struggled fruitlessly, cut off as Saga leaned down to kiss the brunette and silence his protests.

Saga's heart filled with a wonderful warmth he thought he would never get to feel again, his grief being lifted off him and he felt completely weightless. He swore he could float away at any moment if it wasn't for the anchoring grip he had on his little lover.

Ritsu's face lit up in flames, but he refused to let himself get carried away as his heart still ached. He wasn't going to forgive his senpai so easily! He had only come here to return books he had checked out so he wouldn't have any obligations following him over to England, once he finally went to study there.

"Stop!" Ritsu turned his head away as he tried to wiggle out of Saga's grip, the older teen having his arms wrapped around Ritsu's waist. "Wha-what are you doing?! We're at school!" Ritsu whisper-yelled, hoping not to draw any attention to them. The hallways seemed empty and he hoped they would stay that way.

"I thought you were dead."

This caused Ritsu to abruptly stop struggling, staring at his senpai in confusion and only now noticing the dark circles under his eyes.

"What? Why would you-why would you think that?" Ritsu asked, shaking his head.

Saga held Ritsu tighter, afraid he would slip away again and that he wouldn't get a third chance.

"You didn't come to school and so-so I started to ask around about you and-and everyone told me that you were dead! No matter who I asked, they all said the same thing, they said Oda Ritsu was dead." Saga explained, voice cracking ever so slightly as he recalled the horrible rush of dread that suffocated him when he was first told the news.

"...Oda?"

"I-Yes-Oda." Saga shook his head in confusion.

"But...my name isn't Oda? It's Onodera."

"But-that's the name you wrote in the books."

A gasp left Ritsu as his eyes widened in realization and he quickly shook his head.

"Oh-no! I-that was a fake name-I wrote it because I didn't want to seem like a stalker-I'm so sorry-I caused you unnecessary trouble!"

Unnecessary trouble? That was certainly one way to put it.

Saga let out a groan, his body slumping forward slightly and Ritsu was forced to support some of his weight.

"Erm, senpai?"

"I should be pissed that I thought you were dead all over a stupid fake name...but I'm just so glad you're alive." Saga breathed out, nuzzling his face into the crook of his neck and breathing in his scent. He smelled like mint. It was comforting and familiar and just so Ritsu. He would be pissed later.

"Uh-I really am sorry that I scared you senpai-but-I-uh-" Ritsu struggled to break the news that he planned to leave for England relatively soon. His parents hadn't figured out all the details yet, but they were in the process of doing so.

"Oh, yeah, since I've got you here and there's no way in hell I'm letting you go," Saga started and Ritsu held back a whine, "you might as well tell me why the hell you ran away and disappeared in the first place."

"Oh-that-well-you see-" Ritsu sputtered and Saga stared at him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for his response.

"I...I asked if you felt anything for me...and you just laughed!"

…

…

What.

"What?" Saga asked, wanting to make sure he heard that correctly.

"I asked if we were going out and you laughed." Ritsu frowned and looked away from him, wanting to cross his arms, but he would have just hit Saga's chest if he tried.

"...and you thought I was making fun of you?" Saga concluded. Ritsu looked down and nodded, Saga sighing and shaking his head in response.

"God, you really have put me through a lot of trouble and for nothing." The upperclassman said, exasperated. "I laughed because I just couldn't believe you were asking something like that after everything we did together. Of course we're going out. Of course I have feelings for you! I love you, Ritsu." Saga cupped one of his cheeks gently, tilting Ritsu's head up so that he couldn't avoid his eyes anymore. "You have no idea the things I've felt these past few days thinking you were out of my life forever. It felt like I was the one dying, I can't even describe the grief I felt and I definitely can't do justice to how it felt to see you alive. I don't ever want to go through anything like that ever again, so I'm begging you, don't leave me."

Ritsu blinked away tears he felt beginning to build up and let out a shaky breath. "I-senpai-"

Saga kissed him once more, cutting off any excuses or insecurities. The two of them could deal with those another day. For now, all Saga wanted to do was hold Ritsu in his arms, memorize every inch of the boy he almost lost, kiss him breathless, make him blush furiously, and tell him he loved him until his voice gave out because he didn't ever want there to be a day where he regretted losing the chance to do so.