Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the wizarding world.

As a spoonie myself, I couldn't find a story that fit my wants, so I created my own. I want to make this as accurate a representation of chronic pain/illness as possible. That means I'll be covering topics such as weight gain and depression and some of the symptoms constant pain can cause. This is all based on my own experiences and isn't intended to offend anyone or likely fit everyone. I will NOT be writing about addiction. I hate that stigma that all of us spoonies are addicts. Pain isn't always 24/7. There are good days and bad days. We call the bad days "flares". I found this important to mention so that any pain free days didn't seem uncharacteristic or untrue to the story. Enjoy!

Xxxx

And when the night is closing in

Don't give up and don't give in

This won't last, it's not the end

You're Gonna Be Okay - Brian & Jenn Johnson

Xxxx

November 15th, 1979

Severus paused, squeezing his eyes shut in pain. His hand clenched the stone wall of the castle beside him. He focused on breathing in and out, waiting for it to subside. The pain had plagued him for a long time now. Everyone assumed he'd get used to it but there was no getting used to the debilitating intensity of it all and losing who and what he used to be.

It made him feel more alone than anything else in this world, and that was saying something. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to move forward, placing one foot in front of the other. With each painful step, he felt the usual throbbing sensation shoot up both legs.

His only desire was to collapse here and now, never to move again. That'd been his only desire since this started. He'd lost sight of every other aspect of his life and now lived based on what his body allowed him to do.

He considered himself to be strong. He'd always persevered through everything in his life, abuse as a child, bullying as a student, even the torture of Lord Voldemort. But days like today he felt irrefutably weak and worthless.

What support could he bring to the war effort when he was too busy fighting against his own body? He stopped in his steps again, placing a hand on his hip. He pushed in, willing the pressure would help ease his pain.

He'd been an idiot taking this job. Of course, he hadn't had any option. The Dark Lord wouldn't listen to such "foolish" objections. Severus was lucky enough he hadn't been killed.

Reaching the door to the office, he turned the brass handle and gave way to the chair behind the desk. The pain in his legs lessened slightly, no longer having to support his weight, but it didn't go away completely, it never did. There was always that sharp stab in his body and soul reminding him that he'd never be free.

He was overcome suddenly by utter exhaustion from his day and was thankful classes were over. A pile of papers loomed before him and he begrudgingly pulled them nearer.

Determined to focus on something other his own existence, he scanned the top paper. Thomas Elphick's scroll on Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration. Elphick, like many students before and surely after him, regurgitated the text book, incapable of having a thought of his own. Rubbish, all of it. He crossed out mistake after mistake until there were more scratch marks than words.

Reaching the bottom of the parchment he scrawled a note in his spidery writing. The text book exists for a reason. Use your eyes to read, not just to play Quidditch. Releasing the paper, it rolled up on itself and he tossed it to the side, moving onto the next. He raked his face with both hands, pressing his fingers down on his pallid skin in frustration.

He continued working his way through the pile, leaving scathing after scathing remark out of irritation. He hated working with children and teenagers were even worse. The first years arrived with a willingness to learn but they soon reached an age where they were discovering themselves and others. The desire to be a successful witch or wizard slowly faded from each of them as the need to touch and be touched took over in its place. The majority of the students didn't take pride in the work they submitted, and it was painfully noticeable.

A squeak filled the room as the office door was pushed open. "Severus, m'boy. I wasn't expecting you to be here." Severus looked up at the overly large man who was beaming at him under a bushy, meticulously groomed, mustache. "I hope you aren't being too harsh on our young protégés." Horace continued with a gesture at the scrolls before Severus.

"Only what is necessary." Severus replied curtly, eyes not daring to leave the parchment. He dragged the quill across a set of words again, crossing out a truly unnecessary paragraph.

Horace shook his head as he stepped farther inside the room, filling most of it with his girth. "We don't want to alienate all of our pupils."

No, you just don't want me sabotaging potential connections. He gave "the shelf" a glance."Not at all, Sir." Severus pushed back the chair and stood slowly, easing his body back into a standing position despite the protests it made against the movement.

Hanging his coat on a nearby hook, Professor Slughorn made his way to the desk. His massive frame plopped down into the chair Severus had previously vacated and it groaned under his weight. Severus noticed the intense strain the man's belly put on his buttons and wondered how they were still holding together. He had no doubt they were magically enforced. A man that overweight couldn't possibly expect his clothes to remain in one piece when they were several sizes too small.

"If you're done with me I'll be heading out for the night." Severus informed him with a glance of hatred towards the homework he had been grading. It was an opportunity to pass the work he so despised onto the man who didn't do enough to begin with.

"Yes, yes, of course, m'boy." Horace waved him off and glanced down at the paper he had unrolled. Severus glanced at the name and recognized it as one he had already graded. There was no doubt in his mind that the potions Professor would be removing some of Severus' marks in an attempt to save face with the rich, influential students. Severus also knew he wouldn't even give the "nobodies" a second glance. He shook his head angrily, having once been one of those himself. He grabbed his things and walked from the room.

He took the same, slow steps down the dimly lit, dungeon corridors as he made his way to the stairs and eventually the main door of the castle. It took him far too long to make his escape as fatigue settled further into his bones. He must talk to Slughorn about setting up the floo.

As he stepped outdoors, he was grateful for the crisp autumn breeze on his skin and he took in the scent of decaying plant matter. It was a drastic change from the mildew lined, stone walls he spent the majority of his time closed within. Shuffling across the castle grounds, he reached the gate where he let himself through and disapparated.

Severus' feet landed on the cobbled street of an alleyway in his home town. He crumped slightly beneath the contact, straightening with a wince. It was still a purely muggle community and he wasn't about to exchange convenience for a jail sentence by apparating to his actual desired location. No, instead he thanked Merlin that this alley existed, and he didn't have to walk clear from his home.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he headed for the market that was only a few doors down. His body and mind wished he would return home and rest, but his empty stomach grumbled, reminding him he needed to buy food should he want to survive. He'd been avoiding a trip to the store all week, but it couldn't be put off any longer. He had to eat more than stale bread and butter.

The bell on the door tinkled, signaling his entrance. One of the cashiers turned to welcome him and he gave a slight, albeit annoyed, wave back. Spending your life in a small town meant everyone knew everyone else. It was a difficult consequence when one craved anonymity.

He trudged through the aisles, hastily grabbing items from the shelves. His attention was elsewhere when he turned a corner and crashed straight into another person. Dropping his bag of apples, he bent down to pick them up.

"Excuse me." He mumbled, straightening with a grimace. The fruit balance precariously in his folded arms. Looking up he was face to face with an all too familiar Lily Evans. She seemed to recoil at the sight of him before smiling ever so slightly as she passed him an apple he had missed, and he felt that familiar beat of wings inside his stomach. All though their friendship had faded, his feelings for her never had.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here." She said, just as surprised as he and with a surprising amount of sincerity. The bitterness he expected from her was gone.

"Likewise." He gave a curt nod of the head as a sign of farewell. She lifted a hand and waggled her fingers at him before they both went their separate ways. As he passed her, he couldn't help shooting her one last cursory glance of confusion over his shoulder.

When he was finished, he made his way to the checkout stand to purchase his items. He listened to the click of the cash register's keys as the woman operating it tried to make small talk. She complained about the cooling air and the storms they'd been having lately. How the unexpected increase in moisture had ruined her garden.

Severus paid just enough attention to interject "uh huh" and "I agree" when necessary, but from the corner of his eye, he scanned the store, looking for the blazing red hair. He was confused at why she was even here. Her parents had died in a car accident several years back and only her sister was alive, but Petunia had been married years ago. There was nothing in Cokeworth for Lily anymore and yet, here she was shopping for groceries

Slapping his muggle money on the counter with more force than he intended, he grabbed his bags from the woman. "Good evening." He grumbled before turning from the store and finally heading home. The sun had set completely now as he limped in the complete darkness. Normally, he would have returned to the alleyway and disapparated, but he had a suspicion and forced his legs to operate as they should instead.

Sure enough, as he reached the end of the last nice houses in town, he spotted Lily's beloved red 1974 Ford Cortina. It was parked outside of her childhood home, a modest red brick building. The color of it had been muted long ago from the great smog of London. Many buildings in this part of the country were stained by the same gray dust. Even the wealthy found it inescapable. He saw a light flick on inside the home and it was then that he realized he was staring. Shaking his head, he continued the distance to his own house.

His home on Spinner's End had been built with brownish, gray bricks and had a black shingled roof. The house was roughly 50 years old and it looked it. No matter how many repairs Severus made he couldn't get rid of the impoverished feeling the building gave off. He'd stopped caring long ago when he realized there was no more he could do to fix it. As long as it didn't collapse on top of him, he could survive here.

Severus slid the key into the lock of the large black door and turned, letting the door swing open. He avoided using his wand in the town that lay outside of his home. He – and apparently, now Lily – were the exceptions, the only magical beings.

He carried his parcels inside, closing the door behind him and set them down on the counter. It was then that his wand was removed. Items floated to their designated spots with an easy flick of the wand. As a result, he was able to remain in one spot. When he was done, he slipped from his traveling cloak and collapsed into a nearby arm chair. His aching bones cried out and he was thankful for the rest, rest he should have taken long ago.

He heaved a sigh of relief and let his eye lids droop momentarily as he relaxed. The lids of his dark, coal colored eyes were heavy, and he fought to open them again. He never should have sat here, there was a strong potential he would never stand up again. He groaned at the thought, knowing he needed to care for himself before he could give in to the wills of his body.

Picking up a book from the end table, he reluctantly stood again and took the short staircase to the second floor. Entering the bathroom, he pulled out his wand and it used it to fill the tub with warm water. Steam billowed off it as Severus gingerly stripped off his clothes and everything else, leaving it all in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Book in hand, he eased his naked body into the bathtub. He was thankful then that he had magically expanded the tub. By appearances only, it looked much too small to hold a child, let alone a full-grown man. Being over six feet tall, it had been completely unusable before the charm. Now he could stretch out and relax to his heart's content, which he did on a regular basis.

The hot water washed away his work day and soothed the spasms that racked him. It was a temporary relief he very rarely felt. With his book in hand, he devoured the pages one by one. His reading began to slow as his vision blurred until he was suddenly awoken by the sound of a splash. His eyes flicked open instantaneously and he saw the book floating in the now cold water. It was also nights like this that he had waterproofed his books for. He had ruined several of them the same way before deciding enough was enough.

Shivering, he stepped from the bathtub with a large amount of effort, and onto the cold tile. He wrapped a dark blue towel around his waist and walked across the worn carpet. It was soft underneath him, much softer than any shoes. Standing at the edge of the bed he let his towel slip from the waist and fell into the soft, feather mattress.

It was a night like any other, full of fitful movements and frustrated sighs. Sleep never came easy for him, not when he felt like this. The pain was always there, sometimes a raging fire and others a flickering flame, but the it never blew out completely. He was thankful tomorrow was his day off. Being Slughorn's apprentice came with several benefits, namely short work days and free weekends. He didn't know how Slughorn did it day after day after day.

The apprenticeship also fulfilled Lord Voldemort's request. The Dark Lord needed someone to infiltrate Hogwarts and had chosen Severus for the job, how lucky of him. He was one of the few Death Eaters with brains rather than brawn.

He'd only been out of Hogwarts a few months when Voldemort forced him to go back. The Dark Lord had always been impressed - if not a tad jealous - at Severus' proficiency in dark magic and potions. He was the only choice for the job. Unbeknownst to him, Severus had already joined the light. He had made the decision shortly after joining the Death Eaters.

It was the raid that killed James that had done it. Severus couldn't sit by and watch innocent people be murdered, no matter how they had treated him in life. He realized very quickly what a mistake he had made and how hard he had fallen for the Dark Lord's sales pitch for it was nothing else.

Severus had fallen into the wrong crowd many years ago. It had never been his intention, of course, but James and Sirius helped push him there. The light had bullied Severus while the dark accepted him for who he was and didn't try to change him. As a young boy it had been an easy decision. Now as a grown man it was different. Staring down at his tainted left forearm, Severus felt that familiar pang of guilt.

The simple tattoo was a reminder of everything he had done wrong in his life, of losing Lily, of joining a murderer, of turning into someone who could barely move. And every single part of it was his fault. Ultimately, he was the one who had made the poor decisions.

Xxxx

October 23rd, 1978

"Severus" The high-pitched voice drawled, sounding like nails on a chalkboard. "Do you think me a fool?" He glared down at Severus who knelt on the stone floor before him. His head was bowed in fear, knowing he had made a fatal mistake.

"No! My Lord! Never!" He fought to keep the begging, the terror from his voice.

The Dark Lord ambled around the room, twirling his yew wood wand in his fingers. "Then come to find my surprise when I learned you were unwilling to fight, that you let an Order member get away."

"My Lord, I didn't mean to-" He paused, knowing the excuse would only endanger him more.

Voldemort whipped around, blood colored eyes glinting even in such darkness. "Don't. Lie. To. Me!" He hissed. "You were recruited to kill. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, my Lord." He bowed his head in defeat.

"This can't go unpunished. An example must be made." Voldemort stared at him purposefully, an idea already having formed.

"Punish me, my Lord, I deserve nothing less." Severus conceded. Willingness, agreement, it would appease the Dark Lord, if only slightly.

Lord Voldemort stepped closer, hovering dangerously above him. Severus kept his face toward the ground, afraid of what he would see should he meet his master's eyes. "Ah, so you do have a brain." His scrawny, cold fingers grasped a chunk of Severus' hair, yanking his head upwards. Severus sucked in a breath, not daring to move. If he could have stopped his heart from beating he would. Voldemort scanned his eyes, watching the events of that night replay. Severus let the memories float around his mind, not even trying to lock them up and deceive him.

From inside the skull-like mask, Severus could see a terrified Remus Lupin staring back at him. Severus gripped Remus' robes tightly, not allowing the man to run or even move. Sweat beaded on Remus' forehead, thinking he was done for. Severus clenched his wand in his free hand, a spell on the tip of his tongue. He let go of Remus' shirt suddenly, making the man fall to the ground. "Go!" Severus called out to him. Remus scrambled to stand before scampering off to join the crowd of their fellow fighters.

"Fool!" Voldemort cried, spittle spewing from his mouth and onto Severus. He simultaneously let go of Severus' hair and shoved him back "Gibbon!" He called across the room. A dark-haired man stepped out of the nearby blackness with a devilish grin as he cracked his knuckles. "He's all yours. Don't kill this one."

"Yes, my Lord." Gibbon grinned. The enthusiasm in his voice sent chills up Severus' spine. Before Severus could even move, ropes shot from Gibbon's wand, binding his arms to his sides. He let Gibbon drag him from the room, fighting would only make the torture worse.

Severus was pulled to another area of the headquarters, a place he'd been only once before, and shoved inside. Unable to catch himself, Severus fell painfully to the concrete floor. Rolling him on to his back, Gibbon shoved a rag into Severus' mouth. It tasted of dirt and the iron of blood and Severus knew he wasn't Gibbon's first victim. The death eater grinned in satisfaction at what he was about to do, at being given the opportunity to induce the pain of his choosing.

He pulled his wand from the inside of his robes. With a slash through the air, he sent a purple flame to Severus. The fire surrounded him, tendrils licking at his skin and leaving burns in their wake. Severus screamed against the gag in his mouth but only a quiet whimper escaped through the cloth. He writhed beneath the heat, unable to lay still, but incapable of escaping. The ropes that still bound him were impervious to the flame.

His flesh was tender to the touch, red and raw from the heat. The spell died away, only to be replaced with one that slashed across his body. It tore through his already wounded skin, allowing blood to trickle from gash as the spell was cast again. Severus prayed for unconsciousness, unable to do anything else. Salty tears stung the burns that covered his face

The spells afterwards were varied, some completely unrecognizable. He wasn't sure if that was from his growing delirium or if the curses had been created for such an occasion. The torture lasted for hours and Severus remained a shell of himself. In shock, the pain of it was dulled along with his comprehension of what was happening around him. When his body could take no more he felt his world go black.

When he woke again, he found himself in agony. His binds and gag were gone as well as any sign of the death eater who had inflicted it all. Instead, the murderous eyes of Lord Voldemort stared down at where he lay, still sprawled across the concrete ground and surrounded by his own blood. "Have you learned your lesson?"

"Yes, my Lord." Severus wheezed through what he suspected were broken ribs.

"Good." A malicious smile spread across his thin lips. "You're free to go." The Dark Lord strode purposefully from the room leaving Severus utterly alone. He practiced moving, checking for every body part. Everything in his body told him to stop, the pain was too unbearable, but it was a sign he was alive.

Apparition wasn't an option inside headquarters. Using the walls to hold himself up, Severus stumbled from the building. His vision was blurry, and his head swam from the pain and the blood loss. Barely managing to reach the apparition line he stumbled on the spot and disappeared into the night.

He landed in front of the gates to Hogwarts and clung on to them in desperation as he slowly slid to the ground, unable to stand any longer. As his consciousness faded again, he felt a shake of the shoulder and the distant sound of someone calling his name. He murmured incoherently, and everything went black.

Xxxx

Wards around Hogwarts registered any potential Intruders, sounding an alarm inside the Headmaster's office. With a disillusionment charm, Dumbledore walked to the gate to see who had arrived. He had not expected the slumped over form of one of his previous students.

Seeing the boy was gravely injured, Dumbledore undid the charm he'd used to hide himself and quickly came to the boy's aid. "Severus" He cried urgently, jostling him. Sound bubbled from Severus' lips as he closed his eyes. Conjuring a stretcher, Dumbledore hoisted Severus on top of it. With another disillusionment to hide the Death Eater, Dumbledore stormed back into the castle and straight to the hospital wing.

They were lucky the wing was currently empty. "Poppy!" He called into the room insistently. A thin, fair haired woman rushed from her office at the sound of her name to see the limp and familiar form in front of her.

The Headmaster had removed the charm once they were in the confines of the wing and moved the young man to an actual bed. Madam Pomfrey stood over his wrecked body. "Oh, dear." She muttered under her breath. Removing her wand, she waved it over Severus, scanning his injuries. The list of things wrong with him began to grow and she turned to Dumbledore. "What happened to him?"

He shook his head in despair. "I found him at the gates." Stepping to Severus' left side, Dumbledore lifted his sleeve, revealing the mark below. "I have some ideas."

Madam Pomfrey looked at the mark with a disappointed tsk. "I can't say I'm surprised."

"Neither can I."

"If he makes it through the night you can talk to him in the morning. We best get him to St. Mungo's." She made to move him, to turn to the fireplace.

"I'm not sure that's wise. One look at his mark and they'll dismiss him."

"It's his only chance, Albus." She pleaded. "His injuries are too severe for my experience."

Albus stared at Severus' body before finally resigning. She was right, they had no other option if they wanted the young man to survive. "Very well." He sighed. "I'll send for someone."

Xxxx

He felt the crisp, rough sheets against his tender body and a groan escaped his lips. A numbness penetrated everything from the neck down. He blinked his eyes open in confusion and saw the stark, white hospital walls around him.

His eyes were heavy from the potions he'd been receiving, and he felt as though his mind wasn't there at all. His thoughts were fuzzy, but the details of that night three days ago were perfectly clear. He'd gone to Hogwarts with the intention of avoiding St. Mungo's, but clearly it hadn't worked. He wasn't surprised, after everything he had gone through, but disappointment filled him still.

"Oh good, you're awake!" Severus turned to look at the overly cheerful healer that had entered his room. A plump woman with straw yellow hair stared back at him with a broad smile. She hurried over to his side and began fussing over him.

"What day is it?" Severus rasped with a dry voice.

"The 26th, you've been out for three days." Severus licked his dry lips and the healer handed him a smoking potion vial. "Here, drink this. You'll feel better."

Severus did as he was told and downed the green liquid. Warmth began spreading through him as the potion took effect and moisture returned to his mouth. "What happened?"

"Well, we aren't sure exactly, we were hoping you could tell us." Her brow lifted in curiosity.

Severus shook his head. "No, I mean, how am I?"

The smile dropped from her face then. "Well, you're alive. We weren't sure if you'd pull through. Whoever attacked you used a number of unknown spells, making them particularly hard to heal." She cleared her throat. "You'll find a number of scars across your body. Some we hope will fade with time but there are no guarantees." Severus nodded, trying to process it all. The woman before him sighed deeply. "We tried our best to heal you, we did all we could…unfortunately we had to take part of your leg."

Severus eyes widened up at her and he began scrambling clumsily at the blankets with his numb hands. "What do you mean?!"

She placed her hand on his to calm him and pulled back the blankets with her other. His pasty white thigh and knee stared back at him, but it ended there. Three inches past his knee his leg came to a rounded end, no calf or foot in sight. Severus only stared before shaking his head vigorously in disbelief. "No, no. It's not possible."

She smiled at him sadly. "I'm sorry, Sir." She rubbed his hand reassuringly and he felt hot tears stinging his eyes once again. "We have exceptional prosthetics available for you to use. They're the closest to the real thing you'll ever get. I'll have someone stop by to speak with you now that you're awake."

Severus nodded, his throat swollen shut as he forced himself not to cry. He'd always viewed tears as weak, a truly undesirable trait. He wouldn't let weakness overcome him, not when he'd already lost so much.

"Headmaster Dumbledore wished to see you when you woke. Would you like me to contact him?"

Severus nodded again, and she smiled reassuringly before turning from the room. Severus was left alone with his thoughts. His leg was gone. They had prosthetics, sure, but it wasn't the same. He found himself wishing he could curl his toes and scoffed at the silly thought. He was shell shocked from it all. "Don't let this one die." Voldemort had said. Death would have been preferable to this.