Disclaimer: I own nothing but the … well shit, nope, I don't own any of it. *sigh*

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A/N: This was written after a chat with my wonderful friend, Mommy4Thomas. I wrote it for her last night because … what is sleep? That, and she asked me to. If you haven't read Mommy4Thomas's stuff, you should. She's awesome, particularly so with Damon Salvatore.

And directly to her, I say: Thanks doll, for getting my muse moving again and for reading my stuff. You're a peach!

To all my lovely readers, I hope you enjoy. Let me know if ya do, please? Also, updates are in the works for Serendipity and perhaps The Tracker, as well. I just needed something to get me over a little stubborn patch. I think this did it.

Light and love,

~Spudz

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So there I was, in the wet, spongy crotch a' Washington State, sloggin' through the soupy shit, pissed as all get-out 'cause my boots were fuckin' ruined, when, wouldn't ya know, I caught a familiar scent.

Then I heard voices.

One belonged to a whinin' little pucker-print named Edward. But the other?

Well, now … the other was human.

And female…

My grin was damn near feral.

With me bein' — well — me, I jus' couldn't let it go without checkin' it out. 'Specially seein' as how it's the pussy boy we're talkin' about.

If ever there was someone on this spinnin' rock called Earth who was just made to fuck with, it was that little self-righteous twat. Somethin' about 'im made my ass itch somethin' fierce, and had since the day I'd met 'im.

Just how the hell Jasper'd managed not ta kill 'im by now was a mystery ta me. Then again, Jasper'd gone pretty soft in his old age and I was fixin' ta tell 'im that too.

Just as soon as I finished up with this here.

Makin' sure my surface thoughts were quiet, I picked my way ta where I could watch the show, and leaned against a tree with my arms and ankles crossed.

I felt like cacklin' at the sight a' the little skid-mark, with his fuck-boy clothes and artsy-fartsy hair-do, but the tears and devastation on the little human's face kinda killed it for me.

Ta be honest, seein' it pissed me right off. I knew he was a good-fer-nothin' turd, but ta do this to a little lady? And in the middle a' the fuckin' forest?

This shit was low, even for him.

He was just leanin' down to kiss her forehead and no doubt make some dramatic jack-wagon exit, when I cleared my throat loud enough even the human could hear.

Let's just say, if vampires could shit, he would'a.

The little human just looked at me with teary, big, brown eyes, not seemin' ta care in the least about my presence.

'Til she saw pussy-boy's outraged reaction.

Then she looked … intrigued.

The shit-stain growled, for all the world soundin' about as intimidatin' as a neutered house cat.

My grin was as wide as I could make it. "Well now, what have we here?" My eyes shifted to the human and I tipped the brim a' my imaginary hat. "Howdy, Miss. Name's Peter Whitlock and seein' as how ya seem ta know this sanctimonious little pecker, I figure ya probably know my brother, Jasper."

She nodded while dryin' her face with the cuff of her sleeve. "Yeah, I know all the Cullens."

My grin widened. "Ya have my deepest sympathies."

"Just what are you doing here?"

Yep, Wee Willie Winkie done found his voice, much to my displeasure.

"Just takin' a stroll in this lovely weather a' your'n. Caught ya scent, heard ya voice, knew ya was most likely missin' me, so thought I'd drop by and say hey."

Ta my surprise, that drew a tiny smirk from the human. The Mama's boy, however, looked like he needed ta take a heapin' big shit and couldn't.

"You're not welcome here."

I laid a hand on my chest. "And here I was thinkin' we was friends."

"We're nothing of the sort!"

Now, I wasn't so lost in my favorite sport a' spinnin' up nancy-boy that I didn't notice the girl takin' everythin' in. And I could tell by the little crease in her brow, and the narrow stare she was eyein' 'im with, she was thinkin'. Hard…

Which, I was pretty damn certain, meant nothin' good for the resident ass clown.

Specially seein' as how I'd done decided I's gonna whoop 'is ass so far inta next week he'd have ta look both ways ta see Sunday…

…the minute she gave the word.

"Now see? Jus' cuz I turned ya down last time I's around, don't mean ya gotta go gettin' all hostile. I s'pose ya pretty enough, but I just don't swing that'a way. Nothin' personal, Sweet Cheeks." I threw in a wink and if vampires could shit…

Well, ya heard that 'un already.

He screwed up 'is face. "You're disgusting and you don't belong here. It's taken Jasper years to get any measure of control and your visits never help. He needs to forget about being a murderous animal, not have that lifestyle paraded around and glorified by you. Any friendship you may provide — and believe me, I doubt there's any value to be had at all — isn't worth the risks of having you around!"

I was just in the process of decidin' if his head would fit up his ass better side-ways or straight on, and just how much force and angle it would take ta accomplish the task, when the little human stepped in.

Now, she don' know me, so I'm pretty damn sure she couldn't tell I was 'bout a half a' second away from doin' murder. Still, suffice to say she sure 'nuff caught my attention when she sashayed up, slid her hand up my chest and around my neck then tugged me inta a serious lip-lock.

And a damn fine lip-lock it was turnin' out ta be.

Color me surprised.

"Bella, get away from him!"

Without missin' a beat, 'cause I'm talented like that, I glanced up from our heated little session a' tongue tanglin' to see her raise a middle finger at 'im, and I couldn't help but think…

Yeah buddy, Whitlock…

Shit jus' got interestin'.

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Well? Whatcha think? Review, please?

Light and love,

~Spudz