I stare unblinkingly at the computer screen. Am I really about to do this? Am I really about to announce my secret to the entire world? I know that no one will be able to know it's me, but I feel nauseated even thinking about it. I step back take in a deep breath and hit publish. I feel so free and terrified at the same time. This will be the first time I have ever told anyone, well in this case the entire world, that I am gay. Suddenly, I realize that this was a horrible idea and am starting to completely regret it. I slam my laptop shut and lunge face first onto my bed. I know I'm making this a way bigger deal than it is but I just don't know how else to act. I lay their staring out at my window thinking of all the people out there, off all the people that have no idea I carry such a huge ass secret. I know that I could tell my mom or dad I just don't know how to even begin that conversation. I have no idea how they will react. I figure that neither of them will disown me or anything, I am just terrified it will completely change the way they see me. I also know that I could tell my best friend, Garrett, about it. I know that he would still be my best friend no matter what, I just don't know. At least I did make one huge step towards coming out today. I look at my clock and realize that I have been sitting here thinking for so long, that I am going to be late for school. I grab my bag and run out the door. I drive as fast as I can, thankfully without getting pulled over. I luckily make it to English just as the bell rings.

I head straight for my seat with my head down. I can feel the drips of sweat falling down my temple, I can hear the beating of my heart going a million miles a second. I can feel the rush of panic I always have entering into this classroom. I have always loved English and done well in it, until now. This year Simon is in my class. I find it extremely hard to not stare into his eyes thought the entire class. Even though I still always do well I find it harder to focus on what Mr. Muschietti is talking about. I love the way Simon speaks, his voice has the perfect pitch and rhythm to it. He has the most beautiful grey eyes, I could easily stare at them for hours on end. Suddenly the entire class is staring at me. "Mr. Greenfield can you please tell us some of Shakespeare's most influential work" I stammer out an answer trying not to blush too much. I always seem to get so shy and flustered around Simon. I finally hear the bell ringing letting me go to my next class. Lucky, I have a free period, I end up leaving and sitting in my car. I hook up my iPod to my stereo crank it up and sit there listening. Then it occurs to me to check the tumbler to see if anyone has responded to my post. I am scrolling through all of the posts telling me how brave I am and past the ones telling me I'm a fucking fag. Then suddenly I run past one that cates my eye. All it says is "THIS" and then has an email address under it. I start freaking out. I know that this means someone related to my post on a deep level. I cannot believe this, it starts making me feel nauseated again. I feel as if I'm about to throw up. Suddenly I feel myself typing something back. I am emailing him. Again, for the second time in one week even one day, I feel as if I am falling into an abyss, losing myself to a stronger, more confident person.

Dear anonymous person on the internet, I don't really know where to begin. To be honest I'm not really sure this is a real email address, and I'm also not sure you're a real person. But in case you are real, hello! I'm the original poster from creeksecrets thread about the vast houses and tiny windows and shore worth swimming to. I'm rereading what I wrote there and I can't stop cringing, so I'll start by apologizing for that. I'm not usually such an abuser of similes and metaphors. Anyway, I'm not sure how to interoperate your comment, but it sounds like you identify with part of what I wrote. Maybe? Even if not, I'm glad you commented. It made me feel less like I was shouting into the void, so thanks for that. And since you left your email address, I assume you're ok with me writing back. Though, I can't believe I'm actually writing to you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about your comment. I guess I'm thinking it could be nice to talk to someone who can relate to how I'm feeling. No pressure, of course, but feel free to write back if you want to. I don't want to use my real name, but you can call me Blue.

Carefully I re-read what I wrote. Nothing that would make this person be able to figure out who I am, nothing that would imply I want to know anything about them. I feel myself hitting the send button. I pray that I am doing the right thing. At the same time, I know this is another huge step into coming out. I realize I've been staring at my phone for over fifty minutes, and rush back to the building to not be late for class. I finally hear the last bell ring, freeing me from the everyday exhaustion that school supplies me with. I get to go to soccer practice, something, I actually enjoy. I reach the field and it instantly sets my entire body at ease. The feeling of the wind hitting me, the smell of the freshly mowed grass has always been one of my favorite things. I reach the rest of the team already practicing and I jump in. By the end of our practice I feel completely exhausted and at the same time better than I have felt in days. Soccer has always had that effect on me. When in my car, I see that I have a notification from my Blue email. I realize it is the same guy. Every ounce of calm I had gotten from soccer flew out the window, my heartbeat kicked up leaving me in a perpetual state of panic. Shaking, I slowly clicked open the email, I then started to blush and feel as if my entire world is being lit up by fireworks. I am not the only one. Someone else out there, at my school, in my grade is just like me. Keeping this enormous secret inside just like me.

Hi, Blue!

Wow, I'm actually kind of flipping out right now, because I seriously didn't think hear from you. I'm so glad I checked this email account! Wow. Okay. First of all, thanks for your email and also for your Tumblr post. I really liked it, Blue, and it wasn't cringe at all, I promise. So, do you go here (here meaning CHS)? I do, I'm a junior. And I'm a guy (are you a guy?) Anyway, I could relate a lot to your post. Like, pretty much all of it, but especially to the part about being gay. I'm not out yet, either. I guess a part of me wants to be, but a part of me's like…. No. It's hard to explain. I don't know. Maybe you get it. So, yeah, it's really nice to meet you! This is kind of cool, right? Even writing this email makes me feel eleven times less alone.

- Jacques (not my real name, bwahahaha-two can play at this game)

I decided to take my time with this one and email back later. I slowly slide my phone back into my pocket and drive away.