Chapter One

Bella

I could hear the quiet murmur of voices beyond the open doorway and felt the excitement rising in my chest. My cheeks ached from smiling I was so happy. My dad fussed around nervously checking his tie for at least the fifth time while I smoothed my long white dress and rearranged my veil. The sun was shining as my dad turned to me.

"Are you ready, Bells?"

I nodded and he took my arm beaming with pride as the sounds of the wedding march reached us on the steps of the little church.
As we entered the cool interior I felt all heads turn but I only had eyes for the man who stood at the altar waiting for me to join him and become his wife. I could see his broad back in the dark jacket and the butterflies in my stomach began doing backflips. Then he turned around to smile at me and...

I woke in the early hours of the morning with the same sense of unreality that greeted me after each familiar nightmare. Glancing over at my clock I saw it was 3 a.m on Saturday morning and then it hit me, I had no idea how I had gotten myself into this position but in one weeks time, I was going to be married... to Jacob Black.
When Edward left Forks after telling me he had become bored with the novelty of dating a human my life lost all purpose and I just wanted to die. But my dad was determined that the" Cullen boy", Edward, the boy he hated the most in this world, was not to be allowed to ruin my life so I was bundled off to stay with my Mom and Phil for a while. Unfortunately, that only made things worse; I couldn't remember Edward in the sunshine of Florida yet I couldn't bear to forget him, the love of my life. Then I understood that I needed to be back in wet and grey Forks to keep his memory alive.

Once back home Charlie and Billy did their best to push Jake and I together, and I guess it was just easier to go along with their plans, I didn't have the energy to fight any longer. Jake was good for me; even I finally had to admit that, although only to myself. Hell would freeze over before I uttered the words out loud. When I was with him the pain eased and the hole in my chest grew a little smaller. I knew it would never completely heal, so did Jake, but he didn't seem to mind the fact that only a part of me would ever be his. He hadn't imprinted but he loved me very much so we were both going to compromise.
The one thing I understood and he didn't was that one day he might imprint and then I would find myself alone again. I would never stand in the way of his true happiness, but that seemed to be my lot in life, to be alone.

When I was in bed at night, just like now, I would let myself think about Edward and the rest of the Cullens, sure it hurt but the pain just reinforced that I was still alive. I'd lived a dream once upon a time but the fairytale never got its happy ending for me and I could see no change in that situation in my future. I had promised myself that I would be a good wife to Jake, I would do my best to love him and make him happy; he deserved that much. But a small voice inside me kept pointing out that I would never be happy no matter how much Jake loved me or how good he was to me. I would be living a lie, but a lie that allowed me to bear looking into the cold bleak future without wanting to throw myself under a bus.

Charlie

I was worried about Bella, she was getting married next weekend to Jake and both Billy and I were thrilled; after all, it's what we had always hoped for since they were kids. Jake was good for her, she seemed more animated when he was around, alive again, but there was still something wrong. I'd tried to discuss my concerns with Renee, but as usual, she was away in a world of her own, one that the rest of humanity never saw. She'd flown up when Bella was so ill last year and taken her back to Florida but it hadn't worked out; Bella didn't seem to be able to cope away from Forks.
I knew my daughter had always hoped that one day the Cullens would return but she was wrong; since the day Edward dumped her no one had seen or heard from them. At the hospital, they were told that Esme had been taken ill and as a result, Carlisle was taking her south to a warmer climate for her health. When I'd told Bella this to try and make her understand they weren't coming back she just laughed.

"Gone to the sunny south, yeah, I bet."

I didn't understand her bitter words but it was the last time I mentioned them to her and she, in turn, acted as if they had never existed, at least in her words. Her deeds were another thing altogether. My sweet gentle daughter was gone, in her place was a tragic figure and it was all down to Edward Cullen and his damn family.
Angela, Jessica, and even Mike Newton had tried to get her to talk about her loss hoping that might help her to get over her feelings of abandonment but she clammed up and eventually stopped seeing them outside of school. She ignored invitations to the movie theater, to study, even to go shopping until finally they dried up and she was left alone.

I had originally wanted her to go to college, but after Edward, she gave up on that idea too. I altered my expectations, so long as she was healthy and sane I'd settle for that although it wasn't easy. I guess I still held a glimmer of hope that one day she would see Edward was not only gone for good but still ruining her life and shrug off his evil influence, but I didn't hold out much hope that I was right.

The only person who could reach her was Jake, and even he had a hard time of it, but slowly with perseverance, he appeared to bring her back. When they decided to get married I was delighted believing that Bella had finally realized how perfect she and Jake were for each other but there was still this lingering doubt, she didn't act like an excited bride to be and sometimes I felt she was merely going through the motions like an actress in a movie. Emily and Leah had taken over the wedding preparations and tried to get Bella involved but as Emily said,

"Sometimes it's as if she's not really there and just going along with whatever we suggest. I tried talking to her about it, Chief Swan, but then she puts on a sweet smile and tells me I'm just imagining things."

Bella

I drove to the Reservation later as I did every day now, on automatic pilot. Emily wanted me to try on my dress one more time and probably make a few last minute suggestions regarding the ceremony. Billy would be at Jake's side and Charlie at mine. Two of Emily's little nieces would carry flowers and Harry would be performing the ceremony. All I needed was the pack to turn up in wolf form to make the day complete!

I looked at my ring finger as I drove, watching the sun sparkle on the diamond and the pain burst through once more reminding me of another scene like this. I pulled over, hugging my chest and crying as the memory of Edward and I in the wildflower meadow washed over had I agreed to this? I didn't love Jake the way he loved me and I wanted to feel the exhilaration of real love again but understood that would never happen because Edward was never coming back. With a few sharp words to pull myself together, I wiped away the tears and started the engine once more aware that the girls would be looking for me and worry if I was late.

Sure enough, as I pulled up outside her cabin I saw Emily's anxious face peering out of the window looking for my arrival. Was she going to bring up the subject of my feelings again? I hoped not, I was tired if reassuring her that I wanted this wedding, that I loved Jake, after all, how could I admit the truth? That this was a mere shadow of the wedding I had once envisaged.

I was pretty sure she or Sam had approached Jake too, they were his friends after all and cared about him and his future but they would have no more luck there, Jake had fooled himself into believing he could be happy owning just a part of my heart, he was set on making me his wife and no one was going to change his mind now. Maybe they feared it would end in tears. They didn't have to worry, I had cried all my tears when Edward left, I had none remaining for a future I had decided I would do my best to make a happy one... for Jake at least.

Maybe Emily had worked out it was all an act, I knew how fond she and the others were of Jake and how frustrated they were when they learned that we were getting married. As far as they were concerned I was a fraud yet Jake flatly refused to see it. As I saw it we were all playing our parts in this deception that called itself a wedding but it was too late to back out now. I did love Jake despite my present reservations, just not in the way he loved me. I had no doubt he would do all he could to make me happy and I, in turn, would never allow him to see that the most important part of my soul had disappeared along with Edward, the part that should rightly belong to my husband.

The only person I had tried to talk to was Renee because I hoped that her own past might give her some insight into my position but for some reason she just didn't see it.

"Bella, we all have our first love, the one that sets our pulses racing and takes our breath away, but it rarely lasts and it isn't really love. Real love is a compromise between two people who can make each other happy. Jake loves you and he'll be good to you. You told me you love him and I'm sure as the memory of Edward Cullen fades and you grow up you'll find yourself reciprocating, just give it time."

Maybe she was right, no I was sure she was right, Jake loved me and I loved him, maybe that special thing I felt when I was with Edward was just first love, who knew?
Anyway, I put Edward firmly out of my thoughts as Emily came out to greet me.

"Hi, Bella, you OK?"

I smiled and nodded hoping she couldn't see that I had been crying and she put her arm around my shoulder as we walked in together. I was relieved to see Jake wasn't here and relaxed a little.

"What's wrong Bella? You're like a mouse looking around for the trap. If you aren't sure about this please say so now. We can deal with the consequences together, please don't go ahead Bella if you have doubts, it's just not right."

Always the same old story, if only she knew how upset Jake would be if he could hear her. I looked at her with a slightly exasperated expression.

"It's OK Emily, I'm fine. Let's try the dress on now while we're still alone".

Emily knew that she wouldn't dissuade me, it was too close now to back out but I looked with little enthusiasm at the long cream dress she had made for me and undressed slowly. She pulled it over my head and stood back to see the effect. It was embroidered all over with darker cream flowers and I knew it had taken her a long while to make and was grateful for that; it was very beautiful, but it felt all wrong.

"Does it feel comfortable? Give me a twirl then."

I spun around slowly, the dress billowing out at the bottom until she nodded satisfied and helped me take it off again and by the time Leah arrived we were sitting down drinking coffee and I was finally feeling better having given myself a metaphorical kick up the ass for my mood.
She smiled at Emily then me and looked genuinely interested as she interrogated us.

"Well did it fit?"

I nodded smiling at Emily with gratitude,

"Of course, Emily is a superstar."

Leah studied me closely looking for any signs that I was weakening but seeing nothing she nodded again.

"What about your Bachelorette party?"

I was startled by Leah's question but tried not to show it as I answered her a little too quickly.

"Oh, I don't think that's necessary."

Emily jumped to Leah's defense leaving me in a minority of one.

"You must have one Bella, it's traditional.".

"OK, but you organize it and not too many people, please. You know I don't like crowds. I thought maybe we could go for a quiet meal with my mom and Phil when they fly in on Friday."

From the look that the two girls exchanged I could see it had already been arranged and nothing I could say would alter a thing and then they changed the subject abruptly and went through last- minute details, Emily snapping the questions and Leah and I providing the answers.

" Flowers?"

"Lilies and roses ordered, they'll be here early Saturday morning."

Leah beamed as she answered, the flowers were her domain once I had chosen my bouquet.

"Food?"

It was my turn now,

"All under control, the diner is providing a cold buffet and Dad has the drinks under control."

"Marquee?"

"Charlie, Phil, and the boys will pick it up on Friday and erect it that the evening." "All done then."

Emily sounded pleased and relieved that everything was going smoothly and I smiled back before hearing running footsteps approach, Jake was on his way!

He charged in, picking me up and swinging me around like a carousel, a beaming smile on his face, and suddenly it didn't seem such a terrible idea marrying him.

"Hi, Bella. Love you."

Then he kissed me and I smiled back, quite genuinely this time.

"Hi Jake, love you too. How are you? Ready for the big day?"

As always he was delighted to see me and whisked me away to the beach so we could be alone for a while. It was peaceful here and I could relax in his company without the interrogative looks of Emily and Leah. It was nice being alone with him although he would never be...no, not going down that path, not now, not ever again.

"Is everything ready now, Bells? Sorry we can't go far for the honeymoon but at least the cabin will be secluded."

As he said that he grinned and crushed me to him in a passionate warm embrace, one I'd come to accept when I stopped comparing it to another. If I could just block out past memories for good I knew we could be happy but it was so hard to do. Next Saturday night we would be married and I had to stop myself from comparing his hot touch and enthusiasm to the cool embrace and reserve of another.

I think he felt something of my turmoil because he put me down and looked at me stroking my cheek with the back of one huge hand.

"Bella, I know this is all new to you and you've been totally honest with me. I accept what you said, in fact, I think about those words all the time.
'Jake I do love you, but my heart will never be completely yours. A part will always belong elsewhere but if you are prepared to accept that then yes, I will marry you."

Listening to my words coming from his lips they felt wrong, too cold and dispassionate but before I could interrupt he continued,

"I've loved you since we were kids and I always knew we would be together in the end although I didn't bank on almost losing you to...well, anyway, I know the score but I also know that deep down inside you do love me and I will win all of you in the end. I will make you happy, Bella."

"I know, Jake, but your friends aren't as sure are they?"

He waved this away with his hand.

"They don't love you like I do but they'll soon see and once you move onto the rez and start work in the school library they'll see you're committed to this place. Right now you're still an outsider even though they've known you as long as I have."

"I guess so. Let's get back, it looks like rain again."

Jake looked up at the glowering clouds and nodded,

"We've had words, it can rain as much as it likes until Saturday then I've ordered sunshine for my girl."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we walked back to the village the tension rising in me with every step. If only Jake and I could leave here I knew I would feel much better about becoming his wife but Forks held too many painful memories. Unfortunately Jake was all the family Billy had close by so that was out of the question. We were trapped here in Forks for the foreseeable future and I would just have to make the best of it.