Chapter 14
"When thought becomes excessively painful, action is the finest remedy."- Salman Rushdie
Sesshoumaru did not emerge from the hut until the next morning. Rin had not returned last night and he highly suspected she had spent the night with the women. Not that this bothered him. It didn't. It was good to have her out of his hair for a night. Really. He stepped into the morning sun, pausing in the doorway to allow his eyes to adjust to the light before moving on. He was once again aware of the hushed whispers as he passed, the tendrils of gossip and rumor twisting their way around him. They danced on his ears, a few lingering long enough for his mind to register. Inuyasha's brother, they called him. Others were questioning: Hanyou? No. Not a hanyou. A full youkai. Who was his mother, then? This was the question none of them could answer. But not Inuyasha's mother? No. She was human. Then… the father….Sesshoumaru halted in his stride, golden eyes falling coldly on the furtive figures in the doorway.
The father was…? Finish it. Say the word 'youkai' with derision. Give me a reason. And he wanted a reason. He desperately wanted a reason and such a small one would do. The father WAS…?
Is. The father is. That was essentially the problem. The father was, but now he is.
And he is crying. Sesshoumaru had heard the wails plenty enough lately to fully realize to whom they belonged. He felt a perverse sense of pleasure that the women had not managed to calm him. The future Inu-no-taishou wailed out his displeasure and confusion with no regard for who would hear him. Sesshoumaru almost envied him, but would never admit it, not even to himself. He hadn't cried since he was still a boy. He didn't cry even when his father died. Dead. His father was dead, but not. That crying baby would die, and Sesshoumaru already knew how. It was the future- it was the past- it was inevitable. Without even knowing why, he sought the source of the crying. It was the hut belonging to that old priestess. She had a name, but Sesshoumaru didn't care enough to remember it. He was in the doorway before he could stop to question his motives.
The demon exterminator sat on the floor with the baby, trying her best to soothe him. She was alone, and that suited Sesshoumaru. Humans were easier to frighten when they were alone. "You have not ceased his crying." His voice held an imperious edge, the sort that naturally implied that since she had not, she would be drawn and quartered that evening.
"It's…harder than it looks," Sango rose to her feet, her gaze defiant. She was not a girl to be intimidated by a demon, even if this particular demon was far beyond her expertise. Very far beyond her expertise. She took a moment to study him, having never had the opportunity before. She had been taught that demons that could take a human form were the ones to worry about the most. Sesshoumaru not only took a human form, but he improved upon it. His features were flawless, but he could not be called handsome. Beautiful, perhaps, but it was an unworldly beauty that was akin to intimidating. The normal impulse of females when they see a serious male is to wonder what they look like when they're smiling. The normal impulse when someone saw Sesshoumaru was to hope that they never saw him smiling.
Sesshoumaru ignored her perusal and stepped into the room. He deliberately left enough room between himself and the door so that he had no risk of the woman touching him when she left. It was the same way that one steps out of the way of a mud covered child. "Leave me with him." His tone left no room for argument and Sango exited without a word. Inuyasha may be angry with her later, but she knew that Sesshoumaru would not endanger himself by harming his father.
He did not injure him. He merely stood in front of him, examining the squirming bundle like one would a particularly interesting insect. He kneeled down, reaching his hand out to carefully pull down the blanket from his father's mouth. The babe fell silent at the movement, regarding the youkai before him in the fearless curiosity of the innocent. "You," Sesshoumaru's voice was softly incredulous, "You will be the inu-no-taishou. You will be a taiyoukai…one of the greatest to walk this land." Alone in the room, with only his father watching, the cool façade slipped. "You will have everything only to throw it away for a human," And had Sesshoumaru substituted the most derogatory phrase devised by man throughout the centuries, he still could not make that last word more vitriolic. There is hatred so deep that curses are not needed. "Did my mother's memory mean nothing to you? Did I? You left him Tetsusaiga. Him. That dirty, filthy, halfbreed!" His calm, aristocratic voice had shifted to a serpent's hiss. He rose in agitation, pacing the room in front of the infant. The tirade jumped from point to point, his fury not allowing him to dwell on one subject for too long, "I sought to be like you. I will be like you, without those pathetic weaknesses that destroyed you." His chest heaved with the force of his breath. Other words spilled forth, but he couldn't recall them later and certainly his father couldn't. He spoke with the anger that had lain dormant for a century. Never would he speak ill against his father to any others, but here, he could do so freely.
The child's golden eyes merely followed his pacing, unperturbed by the anger directed towards it. It only infuriated him more. It almost looked like the child comprehended. It was the same look his father gave him when he was young and still indulged in tantrums. Finally, Sesshoumaru fell silent, the only sound in the room that of his rasping breath. It was said. All of it that he had kept silent on behind that cold mask. His moment of weakness had passed unnoticed by any except himself. He felt a tugging on his pant leg, and looking down, saw the white material bunched in his father's hand. The past looked up at him and grinned for the first time. Then, as if to spite him, burst into tears again.
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Wishing to escape the villagers and, perhaps, his own inner demons as well, Sesshoumaru spent the rest of the day in a field nearby. Rin had decided to accompany him and had quickly fallen into the easy diversion of winding flowers together into a chain. She had very little discretion when it came to the colors, adding whatever flower was nearest, regardless of how it clashed. Occasionally, she would even include weeds that simply masqueraded as flowers, exclaiming over how they provided the perfect touch. Jaken had once chided her for this tendency, but it did not deter her. She had simply replied, "Even weeds can be beautiful, Jaken-sama." At the time, Sesshoumaru had a vague feeling that there was something deeply profound about that remark, even if he wasn't sure what it was.
Today, however, Rin could lace together whatever she liked without interruption, for Jaken had been ordered to remain in the village. Sesshoumaru had convinced the servant that he had to remain in case any solutions were found to their current dilemma. And this had been true. Mostly. Yet, he had to admit that there was a little bit of him that just wanted the happy companionship of the girl before him. He found himself content to merely watch her activity and listen to her quiet humming. It was peaceful here. For the moment, he wanted nothing more than that. His past and present waited in the village for him to return to deal with them, but that was for later..
"Sesshoumaru-sama, why are you so sad?" Lost in his own thoughts, Sesshoumaru had not realized that the girl's attention had been fixed on him for several minutes. Her chain of flowers lay forgotten in her lap.
He found himself intrigued by her question in spite of himself. Sad? Was he sad? No. He was never sad. Sadness was… a weakness. There was no place for it in his heart. Many might have questioned whether he had the latter at all, but not Sesshoumaru. He knew he didn't. Yet, he didn't say any of that. He had no intention of replying at all and so was quite unprepared for the words that suddenly formed on his lips, "Rin, do you like it here?"
"Oh, yes!" She replied exuberantly, and Sesshoumaru's non-existent heart dropped, "The flowers are very pretty."
He blinked. "No. I mean the village."
"Oh," Rin paused to consider her answer, as ever wishing to answer the youkai truthfully, "The people are very nice." She punctuated this statement with a cheerful grin.
Nice. The one word that could never be used to describe Sesshoumaru. His gaze shifted around the field then settled with a stony study of the clouds. A muscle ticked above his jaw- the only indication that this perfectly groomed creature was more than a statue. His entire demeanor said that this conversation was over and she was formally dismissed. Yet, in her intuitive way, Rin knew better. She patiently waited him out, eyes resting intently on his face. Moments passed. Another tick Her innocent scrutiny became oppressive to him, and finally he gave in. "Do you wish to stay here?"
That's NOT how you should have said it. You should have commanded her to stay when this is over.
Why?
Because what if she wishes to stay of her own free will?
It makes no difference to me.
But it does.
"Stay here?" The girl's brow furrowed, giving him a faintly puzzled look. "Do you intend to stay here, Sesshoumaru-sama?"
"No." The word was like a death knell in his mind.
Then Rin, completely oblivious to the argument inside her lord's head, did something incredible. It was not incredible for its rarity but for its timing. She laughed. He didn't even have a chance to consider why before she responded brightly, "Of course not! Rin's place is with Sesshoumaru-sama!" With those words, she began to weave a new flower into her chain, the conversation instantly forgotten. Sesshoumaru, his eyes still fixed on the clouds, did not look at her. There was nothing to indicate that he had heard her words at all. Then he reached down and calmly picked a flower from the ground and proffered it to the girl. She gave him a smile that he instantly felt like he didn't deserve yet accepted readily. He didn't smile back. He didn't have to.
It was a moment of peace and quiet companionship. It was cut short by Jaken's frantic yelling.
"They've found a solution, Sesshoumaru-sama!"
A/N:
Yes, it's actually an update. I did promise that I would never completely abandon this story. It WILL get done, though not as much happened in this chapter as I would have liked. These two scenes just insisted on being written though they serve no point but to add a little bit more to Sesshoumaru's makeup. I fully intended to add another scene, but became worried that doing so would take me even longer and thus prolong the already ridiculous time between my last updates. As for that, I can only say that lots of things have happened in the last six months that really killed my desire for writing and I didn't want my real-life angst to manifest itself too deeply in the story. After all, my main focus is to at least make my readers smile. I'm a bit nervous about this last chapter considering I've been out of the loop for so long, so any reviews with constructive criticism and suggestions are more than welcome. To those who have stuck with me and reviewed, you are fantastic! You are the reason that I finally pulled myself up and determined that I would get back to writing. I think I have finally slain the dragon of writer's block and the next chapter will hopefully be out soon(ish)!