The dread was a real thing. It had taken on a life of its own, hiding in shadows and gnawing at Garrus' stomach, distracting him from his work as it loomed over his shoulder like a physical presence. It would pop into his mind — fully formed, developed and utterly unpredictable — at the worst possible moments. It may take different shapes, may show him different scenarios, but the worry was always present, and very, very real. An utter surety that something was going to go wrong.

The closer they got to their inevitable trip through the Omega 4 relay, the worse his nervousness became.

Something was going to go wrong, he was sure of it. An unforeseen complication — an unnamed 'something' — that he hadn't thought of; it was inescapable. Nothing ever went to plan, why should this be any different?

The chances of at least one of them getting hurt was an undeniable risk, and he needed to be ready for it. He wasn't ready, he knew it, he absolutely was not ready for this to go wrong.

The time between them and the potential disaster was running away from him at a fantastic rate. Time was slipping through his fingers like sand in an hourglass.

Were they prepared?

Realistically, could they even be fully prepared?

It could change them irreversibly, likely would change them. How could it not?

They were about to undertake a feat that he'd have thought impossible not too long ago. If someone had told him a year ago that he would soon be finding himself in this position, then he'd have laughed in their face. Yet here he was. And time was running out.

How much time was left to them? How many weeks? How many days? How many hours?

TIM was pushing them ever faster, and Shepard would get them there if she had to drag them through hell to do it.

He wasn't sure if Shepard shared his nerves, as always she preferred to hide her insecurities away, and Garrus didn't think he'd be able to drag them out of her in the sparring ring this time. Which was probably for the best; he was nervous enough for the both of them.

If only he had more information to work with. This was almost the definition of a situation where he didn't want to walk in blind. If he had more information, if he felt better prepared for what was to come, then he was sure he'd feel differently.

How did one go about researching something like this? He had tried, first out of curiosity, then more often — and more frantically — when nerves had started to get the better of him. So far all his efforts had been fruitless. He'd tried looking up variants of 'human biology' several times and it hadn't helped. Unless Shepard was inexplicably turned on by useless facts about the human body...

Did you know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell?

Mmm, baby, tell me more.

Yeah, he couldn't see that happening somehow.

Garrus' nerves were, of course, totally unrelated to their suicide mission to pass through the heretofore unmapped Omega 4 relay, but all about the night before.

So unlikely — though admittedly convenient — turn-ons aside, his research had not provided positive results so far. Humans and turians were just so different, right down to their amino acids. He didn't think Shepard would find it particularly relaxing if he took a small hammer to her shins, and he seriously doubted that she had an erogenous zone at the base of her skull like a turian would.

Maybe it had been a mistake to have planned ahead, to have set a date to 'pop the heat-sink'. Maybe they would have been better to let it happen naturally. Now he'd built it up in his mind, given himself a chance to overthink it.

The simplest thing to do about his lack of information, of course, would be to swallow his pride and just ask someone that had experience with humans, but Garrus simply didn't know who to ask. If they had still been on the SR-1, then he could have gone to Alenko. Granted, Alenko would likely be too embarrassed to tell Garrus anything very useful, but at least that would mean that he'd also be too embarrassed to gossip about their conversation to the others.

If he was going to ask someone, then now was the ideal time to do it; they were currently docked on Illium, and Shepard was planet-side with Miranda and Jacob. Garrus didn't know too many details about the mission itself, just that it involved Miranda's sister. Shepard had looked rather serious when the three of them had left the ship a few hours ago. He was pretty sure that no one else had noticed the furrow between her brows or the slight strain in her voice when she'd joked around with the rest of the crew that morning. Garrus had noticed, of course, he always noticed, but he was also the only one that knew about the existence of Shepard's brother, John, and what had happened to him. If there was anyone in the galaxy that would make sure Miranda's sister was safe, it was Shepard.

This did, however, provide Garrus with the rare opportunity of being on the ship without her, since he almost always joined her on missions. He wasn't sure he'd get another chance like this and time was working against him, after all.

So, Miranda and Jacob were out of the equation, who was left?

Garrus thought for a moment; they were on a ship full of humans, there must be someone...

Zaeed? Garrus had the feeling that the bounty hunter's idea of seduction probably involved his shotgun and a story in which everyone dies but him.

Jack? A short chuckled rumbled in Garrus' chest at the very idea, he could imagine exactly what advice Jack would offer; Just fuck her brains out, Big Blue, it ain't frigging complicated. While not totally without merit, it wasn't the advice Garrus was looking for.

Joker? Garrus nearly dismissed the idea immediately; Joker rarely took anything seriously, he was a total wise-ass and a notorious gossip. Garrus was likely to get laughed out of the cockpit. On the other hand, Joker had been known to have his serious moments and, say what you would about him, he'd walk through fire if Shepard asked him to. Plus, Garrus had known him a damn sight longer than the other humans on the ship — with the exception of Shepard and Dr Chakwas — and, if Garrus was being honest, he genuinely liked the guy.

He glanced down at his omni-tool to check the time, it was getting late; Shepard and the others would be back soon, and he would much rather have this conversation while there was no risk of her overhearing them. Besides, Garrus was self-aware enough to know that if he put this off, then he'd likely talk himself out of it again. If he really was going to do this, then he'd better make it sooner rather than later.

With his head hanging low and feeling like he was walking toward a firing squad, Garrus took the elevator up to the CIC and crossed to the cockpit. This was the worst idea he'd ever had, Garrus was sure of it. He thought he'd made some questionable choices as a teenager, but this beat them all by a mile. He was never going to live this down, Joker was going to rip him to shreds then spread word all over the ship so the others could finish him off. He was sure, but he was also sure that he didn't have any better ideas.

Joker had his back to Garrus as he approached, the pilot chair was facing the cockpit window. Complicated looking holo-displays of flight paths and charts glowed over the dashboard, Joker was moving the displays, casting some aside and making alterations to others.

A few seconds passed where Garrus stood awkwardly behind Joker's chair, waiting for Joker to realise he was there while shifting his weight from foot-to-foot and debating on whether he should make his escape before he was noticed.

Before he could give in to the notion, he cleared his throat, "Joker? Do you have a minute?"

"Can it wait for a bit?" Joker asked without turning around, "I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

That was almost enough to make Garrus lose the argument with himself and run back to the forward battery as fast as his legs would carry him, but he forced his feet to remain where they were, "Very funny."

"I try."

"You look busy. What are you working on?" Garrus asked, stalling for time more than anything, as he looked at the undecipherable star-charts,

"What? This?" Joker waved a hand and the displays vanished, leaving the cockpit much darker in the absence of their orange glow, and span his chair around to face Garrus, "Nah, they're nothing, opened them when I heard you coming so I could make that joke."

Garrus rolled his eyes, he really should have seen that coming, "Going above and beyond, as usual."

Joker clapped a hand to his chest over his heart and inclined his head for a moment, "That makes it all worth it, I need that kind of validation in my life. So, what's up? You don't look like you came up here just to shoot the shit with me."

"No, you're right, I didn't," Garrus shuffled his feet again, this really was a bad idea, "I need to ask you a favour."

"From me? I'm honoured. Ask away."

"I need some advice."

"Don't eat yellow snow."

Garrus sighed, Spirits. Worst. Idea. Ever. "Thanks, but I actually have a topic in mind. I need advice about — about Shepard."

Joker frowned at him from under the peak of his cap, "About Shepard? What about -" Joker's face froze, his mouth making a small O shape, before spreading into a large grin, "What, er, what about Shepard?"

"For the love of — please, Joker, don't make me say it. You know what I'm talking about."

Garrus didn't think he'd ever seen Joker look quite so happy; his eyes danced and his shoulders were almost shaking with barely concealed mirth, "Ooh, you need that kind of advice? So you come to me; the greatest pilot in the galaxy and the love doctor!" Garrus groaned and shook his head, but Joker was far from being done, "Did no one have the talk with you when you were growing up? Well, when a mummy and daddy love each other very much, they -"

Garrus started to turn away, "Forget it, I knew this was a bad idea."

Joker laughed and waved an arm, "Nah man, don't be like that, I was only messing with you. The love doctor is officially in session. What d'ya need?"

"Before I say anything, can I at least ask that this stays between us?"

"Of course," Joker said, looking mildly insulted before grinning again, "The love doctor always practices doctor-patient confidentiality."

"Please stop calling yourself that," Garrus took a deep breath, he was in too deep to turn back now, he may as well get this over with, "Fine, but I swear Joker, you breathe a word of this, and Cerberus will have to bring you back from the dead."

Joker held his hands up in surrender, "Alright, big guy, I get it; you're serious. Why don't you just relax and tell me what the problem is?"

Garrus glanced back toward the CIC to make sure no one was close enough to overhear them, then took Joker up on his offer and dropped into the empty co-pilot's seat, "The problem is that she's human, and I'm not. Humans and turians have different rituals, different customs and other differences that are more... physical."

"Ahh," Joker nodded with a look of understanding, "Weird alien squishy parts? Is that all? Pfft, that's no big deal."

Garrus blinked at him, "It's not?"

"Of course not," Joker shrugged, "I'm the same species and I still don't understand women half the time. But, I mean, she's worth it, right?"

Garrus chuckled a little, "Would I be subjecting us both to this incredibly awkward conversation if I thought she wasn't?"

"Oof," Joker smiled with a look of approval, "Good answer. Well, you're in luck, buddy, you came to the right place, I gotcha covered."

Joker opened his omni-tool and a few seconds later Garrus' own omni-tool chimed as Joker sent him a message with a very large folder as an attachment, "What's this?"

"Educational tools. Everything I know about women, I learned from those vids."

"Oh, that's very reassuring," Garrus huffed,

"Trust me. And just remember me when you're having the best night of your -" Joker paused and pulled a face when he realised what he'd been about to say, "You know what, never mind. Please never think about that."

"And this'll help?" Garrus asked, looking at the unopened folder with an edge of scepticism,

"Hey," Joker said with his arms wide open, "When have I ever let you down?"

That was actually a fair point, "Alright, thanks Joker, I owe you."

"No problem, what are friends for?"

Garrus nodded and, feeling a little better and rather foolish for building this into a bigger deal in his head than he needed to, pulled himself to his feet. He'd turned back toward the CIC when EDI's round icon appeared on the console and stopped him, "Garrus, I believe I should make you aware that the majority of the folder you now possess, contains explicit images and videos of an erotic nature. Many of which are considered illegal in council space."

Joker flapped his arms in an effort to hush EDI, but the damage had been done.

Garrus whirled back around, "Joker, did you just send me your porn collection?"

Joker rolled his eyes, "Great, say it louder, I don't think they heard you on the Citadel!"

Garrus pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, what the hell was I thinking when I came up here?

"Spirits, Joker -"

"It's not all porn. Besides, I'll have you know that it is very well-organised, everything is sorted into sub-folders, the files have titles and everything."

Well-organised? Well-organised? Joker had just sent him more porn than Garrus had ever seen in his life, and he thought Garrus' main concern was its organisation?

"Joker -"

"OK, OK, some of it you might want to avoid, but there's some good stuff in there too, I promise. Just, er, skip the ones with an asterisk."

A few seconds later and Garrus was heading back towards the elevator, reflecting on the conversation he'd just had. He'd already decided that the only positive thing to come out of it was that no one had been around to overhear them. His new plan was to just get back to the forward battery and possibly never leave it again.

He hit the button to call the elevator, stood back to wait and tried not to call the attention of Kelly Chambers. Just as the door to the elevator opened, Mordin emerged from his lab and stepped into the CIC.

The salarian spotted Garrus and hurried over, his white coat flapping behind him, "Ah, Garrus, excellent timing. Was hoping to talk," Before Garrus even had the chance to object or make up an excuse to avoid him, Mordin stepped onto the elevator and the doors closed,

Garrus had no desire to be poked by needles or analysed in any other way, so he forced nonchalance into his posture, "Sure, Mordin, I have time. What did you want to discuss?"

"Medical matters. Dangerous mission, stress levels high. Looking for release natural. Sexual activity normal stress relief for both humans and turians."

Garrus felt his stomach drop, so much for nonchalance, "Sorry, what?"

Mordin shrugged and glanced at Garrus mildly, "Different species react differently to stress. Relieving -"

Before Mordin had even finished the short sentence, Garrus had frantically jammed his thumb on the button for the third floor at least a dozen times, this is not happening, "I'm gonna stop you right there, Mordin," Garrus interrupted, "I'm not talking to you about relieving anything."

Mordin blinked his huge eyes rapidly, "Had no idea turians were so..." his voice trailed off into mutters, talking to himself as he opened his omni-tool. Quick, sharp fingers sped across the keyboard, is he making notes?

"Woah," Garrus waved at him, "What are you doing?"

"Cataloguing data for future use. Can stop if you'd prefer?"

"Yes, I would prefer," Garrus said quickly, "I would definitely prefer. I would also prefer not to be having this conversation."

"Bizarre reaction, most unexpected. Shepard reacted quite differently."

"Shepard's reaction?" Garrus groaned, a pathetic ring in his sub-vocals, as he dropped his forehead into his hand, "You didn't — please tell me you didn't have this conversation with Shepard?"

Mordin nodded, rather enthusiastically, "Was Shepard's idea to talk to you. Said you would, quote 'get a kick out of it'."

Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse. I am so going to get her back for this, "What, exactly, did you say to Shepard?" Garrus asked, not entirely sure that he wanted the answer,

"Warned of chafing, supplied remedy if necessary. Gave warnings of anaphylactic shock, allergies, told not to ingest."

Garrus' mandibles flicked in confusion, "Ingest?"

Mordin waved his fingers, "Human mating custom. Unheard of in turian coupling. Mandibles make it impossible, of course. Not important." Garrus nodded and hit the third-floor button a few more times, he'd seen worms that moved faster than this damn elevator, "But wanted to talk. Have advice booklet if interested? Some diagrams, positions comfortable for both species, erogenous zone overviews."

"No, I don't think -" Garrus started then stopped himself mid-sentence, that was exactly what he'd wanted from Joker, "On second thought, that might not be a bad idea."

Mordin smiled, "Excellent. Will forward to your omni-tool. Also advice on alcohol, mood music. Common in human culture."

Garrus nodded and made a mental note to look into that later, "Alcohol and mood music, got it."

"Told Shepard to enjoy self while possible."

The doors to the elevator finally (thankfully) opened, revealing Tali on the other side. Mordin greeted her with a polite nod and vanished in the direction of the kitchen, and Tali took his place in the elevator,

"Hi, Garrus. Going up?"

Garrus sighed and leant back against the wall, "Sure, why not."

Tali hit the button for the second floor, "I'm just heading up to see Kelly, she was working with Dr Chakwas to get me some quarian anti-biotics."

Garrus straightened to look at her, "You're sick? Shouldn't you be in the med-bay?"

She rubbed at a spot on her arm, and Garrus could see where she had recently repaired a tiny suit rupture, "A small infection, must have picked it up on Haestrom. But I'm fine," she glanced up at him, her head tilted to one side, her eyes narrowed beneath the purple hue of her helmet as she examined him, "Are you alright?"

His last two conversations must have left him looking more shell-shocked than he'd thought, he gave her a weary chuckle, "Aside from the looming suicide mission, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You look a little pale. Is everything going OK with Shepard?"

"Spirits, Tali," Garrus said, rolling his eyes, "Not you too. It seems everyone has something to say about me and Shepard. Mordin was just in here giving me advice."

Tali burst into laughter, "Ooh, did he mention chafing?"

Garrus felt his mouth drop open, "How the hell did you know?"

This only made Tali laugh harder, "Keelah, I wish I'd been there to see your face. Shepard told me all about the talk he had with her, she thought it was hilarious."

Garrus huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, "Anaphylactic shock doesn't sound all that funny to me."

"Oh, come on Garrus, how many times have you been drinking with Shepard? She drinks all that whisky of yours and you never once noticed that she isn't allergic to dextro?"

Garrus could have slapped himself. Of course she wasn't allergic to dextro, he knew that. He dropped his arms, feeling rather sheepish, "I forgot."

Tali shook her head at him, "He was just joking with you, did you really think Mordin would let her risk anaphylactic shock right before the suicide mission? All for a night of... you know."

Now that Tali had said it, it seemed incredibly obvious that Mordin had only been joking. Garrus was caught somewhere between annoyed with Mordin, embarrassed that he'd fallen for it and relieved that he wouldn't accidentally land Shepard in the med-bay, "Well, when you put it that way... clever little pyjack. I might have to kill him."

Tali patted his shoulder sympathetically, "You can kill him after we've defeated the Collectors. You shouldn't worry so much, that's probably why he was joking with you in the first place. You're so tense, makes it too easy."

"Bit easier to not worry now I know I won't poison her. The different species thing, it's more complicated than I thought."

Tali shrugged, "You and Shepard care about each other, that's what's important. The biology doesn't matter, you can figure that out."

Garrus raised a brow-plate at her, it sounded a little naive but maybe it really was that simple, "You think?"

"Of course. Even back on the SR-1, none of the rest of us stood a chance."

"Us?" Garrus frowned, he'd known about Alenko and Liara of course, but this was the first he'd heard about Tali, "You and Shepard?"

Tali swatted his arm, "No, not me and -" she stopped and shook her head, "You bosh'tet. Good luck, Shepard."

Before Garrus could even try to understand what that had meant, the elevator doors opened back on the CIC, and Tali was walking toward Kelly.

Garrus let her go, and glanced back up toward the cockpit. He couldn't see Joker from where he was, but he felt a sudden twist of guilt for the death threat he'd given Joker earlier. Joker had only been trying to help, and Garrus hadn't even thanked him properly.

Joker didn't bring up the displays when Garrus approached this time, just span his chair around, a crooked grin on his face, "That was fast, you got through the entire folder already? 'Cause I haven't got any more."

"Ha, not even opened it yet. I just wanted to say thanks. I appreciate that you tried to help, and -"

The sound of the airlock opening interrupted him; Jacob led the way onto the ship, Miranda and Shepard following behind him. All three looked unharmed by whatever mission they'd been on, though Miranda was looking a little red and puffy around the eyes.

The two women were deep in conversation, and Garrus could hear the end of whatever Miranda had been saying when they passed onto the ship, "- I'd never have found her in time if not for you."

"Miri, if you thank me again, it's going to make it much harder for me to dislike you," Shepard said, making Miranda laugh. Actually laugh.

Garrus shot Joker a confused look, but Joker only looked back at him, just as confused. Garrus could hardly believe this was the same woman he'd met back on Omega, what had Shepard said? Bitch is her default setting? Something had certainly changed down on Illium.

"Alright, I'll stop thanking you, but only if you join me for a drink later?"

"Deal. I'd say we earned it."

"More than earned it," Miranda reached out to squeeze Shepard's arm, "I'll see you later."

Miranda sauntered off toward the CIC, a new lightness to her steps, while Shepard turned to him and Joker. Shepard was also looking a little red around the eyes, Garrus noticed, though she was smiling broadly, "Did you boys behave while I was gone? Did I miss anything fun?"

"Well, actually -" Joker started,

Garrus foot shot out and kicked him in the leg, "Nothing to report."

"Nothing to report," Joker echoed, "Though I do want to know how you managed to melt the ice queen."

She leant forward to flick at the peak of his cap, "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."

Garrus was more than a little surprised, he'd been expecting a mission about rescuing Miranda's sister to raise some unpleasant memories for Shepard, but she looked happy,

"You OK?" he asked, "The mission went well?"

She smiled his smile up at him, "Better than OK. Get this bird in the air Joker, let's blow this popsicle stand."

She gave Garrus a quick hip-bump on her way past before heading back into the CIC, humming to herself.

Garrus glanced down at Joker then remembered the folder he'd been sent, "So, just skip the ones with the asterisks?"