Feelings

I… have no excuses. I'm sorry. Lmao if it weren't for kill la kill I wouldn't be writing this. Friendly advice: LISTEN TO THE OSTS CUZ THEY'RE GORGEOUS! *cough* anyway, enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I WISH.

WARNING: Self-hate and depression. No abuse this chapter, but Ritsu's dad is still scum, so beware, just in case.

All his life, Onodera Ritsu knew his path. He knew what his duty was: to be the best son his father wanted. To marry An-chan, inherit his father's company, have children, and then pass on this cursed legacy. He knew that. He knew that… but he didn't want it. But he wasn't in control of his own life, his father was.

Pathetic.

He might've had a different plan when he was a young boy cuddled into his mother's warm chest, but those times were gone. A memory covered in dust. He could not recall a single happy memory after her death, all he could remember is the bite of cold empty air of his bedroom and the nights spent crying himself to sleep, begging his mother to come back.

He no longer cries himself to sleep. The world has become numb to him, not a single shred of emotion left inside him. He doesn't want to feel anymore.

Feelings made him fall in love with Saga-senpai. Feelings made him flinch at the sound of his father's booming voice. Feelings made him cry at the mention of his mother. Feelings destroyed him.

Ritsu didn't want to feel anymore.

When Ritsu thinks of his mother, he remembers all the good things that used to be.

He would remember the way she laughed, the way her smile lit up her entire face and erased any wariness. The way she opened her arms and embraced him with all her being, warming him to the core. Never pulling away first.

Ritsu tries to hang onto every bit left of his mother, He grasps desperately at his remaining memories of her, and prays that they never leave him. He replays them over and over again until they're burned into his head.

His mother represented a time of happiness. A happiness that could not last.

He remembers watching with devastated eyes as his mother was lowered into her grave. His eyes watered again, and then he was sobbing. He wanted to hug his momma again. He wanted to hear her melodic laugh and hold her hand no matter how childish it was.

He felt so cold, here in this empty clearing, hugging himself desperately for a semblance of warmth.

He sniffled, trying to hold in the tears. His knees wobbled weakly, falling under him. Now on his knees, his tears flowed and ugly sobs escaped him. Uncontrollable.

He wished Alice was here. Why didn't father let her come? How much more was he going to take from him?

How long will he remain so pathetic?

"Ritsu," a cold voice spoke.

His mother used to say his name with a fond smile, never once frowning at him. She said it when she laughed, when she was happy. It made warmth spread in his belly.

The way his father said his name killed that warmth. When his father said his name, it was synonymous with disappointment and anger. He was no more than the ground his father stepped on.

Ritsu kept his head down and refused to look up.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, boy."

"I don't want to," he finally said, his voice hitching with the hiccups of his sobbing.

"I'll let this pass by me today," his father said gruffly. "This is the last time I will see you cry, Ritsu. Don't let me catch you again."

And then he walked away, leaving Ritsu behind to the cold bite of winter's breath.

Ah, this pain was so familiar, it was routine. Why does he keep getting hurt by his father's words? He knows how it goes. Yet, why…

He took a shaky breath and watched the world with dead eyes.

Really, how did he get here? How had a simple favor from a stranger turn into this obsession?

Ritsu watched with a growing blush as Saga-senpai slept peacefully. He really was turning into a stalker.

Still, he couldn't help it.

Ritsu had honestly been feeling lifeless these past few years, but something about Saga-senpai made his wary heart beat rapidly.

Maybe it wasn't that bad. It's not like he had a chance with Senpai, he would surely get over this crush someday, in time for him to fulfill his duties as the Onodera heir. Maybe-

"I love you."

And it all snowballed from there.

He was so happy back then. Senpai had agreed to date him! He was over the moon, despite the looming dread that his father would one day find out. He was so over the moon, he could ignore that fear.

The rush of excitement he felt when he'd had lunch with Saga-senpai. The joy of witnessing Senpai's smiles, so fragile and small. The peace of simply enjoying the moment and forgetting about the future.

The pure, simple, joy he'd felt because of Senpai, Senpai, Senpai.

He felt his heart warming, and his dreams were reborn.

Maybe happiness was possible. If he had Senpai with him, maybe this happiness could last.

Not.

The day he broke up with Saga-senpai was a blank. He remembers Senpai's laugh echoing in his ears, mocking him, blending like a nightmare into what sounded vaguely like his father's harsh, biting laughter.

Pathetic.

Senpai… Senpai didn't love him back.

He ran all the way home, and, for the first time in years, he sobbed.

That day, Ritsu learned exactly why he should've kept his heart shut. Feelings bore the wool of a sheep, but hid a wolf beneath it, sharpening its claws. Ready to slice whatever joy he had left.

And this time, he remembered his lesson.

He moved to England. He was fluent in English, and his grades were high. Adapting wasn't a problem.

He lived in a dorm with a stranger, but anywhere was better than the overbearing cold of home. His roommate was Japanese, at least.

He got by in college. He did his homework and studied rigorously, desperate to keep himself awake.

Because all his dreams offered him was a cruel reminder of his biggest mistake.

He knew people called him "the Ghost" behind his back. He supposed it wasn't far off the mark. He'd shut in his heart and locked the doors; he erased any emotion he had left and focused on passing his classes.

He was barely existing. He was drifting, just like a ghost.

How ironic, for he was a ghost was haunted by the ghost of the memories he wanted to escape. A ghost being haunted by ghosts. How more pathetic could he get?

Still, he wished he could be invisible like one, too. Kiyomiya won't stop pestering him, asking him for mundane ridiculous things that he's sure were forgotten on purpose.

He keeps finding him wherever he went, why won't he leave him alone? Why won't he let him breathe?

So he snapped. But Kiyomiya snapped, too. That was the first time he'd gotten into a fistfight; he tried to avoid them and the trauma, but Kiyomiya was so stubborn-

But he was also broken, just like him.

Kiyomiya said his story, and for once, Ritsu felt his heart give a little push. A twinge of sympathy.

When he spilled his own story, Kiyomiya listened. He didn't interrupt. He didn't laugh. He just listened.

And Ritsu was so, so tired. So when the tears came, he barely registered Kiyomiya's words as he put a hand over his eyes and closed them. And for a short, relieving moment, he forgot Senpai and just cried his heart out.

Since then, Kiyomiya became Nao. Stranger became friend, and friend became best friend.

Like a key to a lock, Nao unleashed the emotions he'd tried so desperately to conceal.

And so, Ritsu found himself feeling again. He felt annoyed when Nao didn't prepare the coffee the night before. He felt sad when Nao awoke from a nightmare, reliving his losses. He felt happiness when Nao excitedly told him that he'd been accepted for the job he'd been wanting for years.

He felt, and he owed it all to Nao.

When Ritsu applied for Marukawa Shouten, the last thing on his very long list of what-ifs was that he'd run into his ex-boyfriend, the one and only Saga-senpai.

Except, now he went by Takano, and he had somehow become more cynical than he was in his college days.

And of course, after Ritsu had finally gotten over that horrible break-up, he goes and tells him that he's still in love with him.

Because what the hell was Ritsu's life?

Ritsu refused to give in to his boss's moves. He did his work and tried to avoid unnecessary confrontations with him, but it wasn't enough.

Takano keeps pushing, and Ritsu is anything but a pushover.

He doesn't want to relive that terrible break-up. The pain had destroyed him. He deserved better than getting his heartbroken again.

He won't go back to being a ghost. He doesn't want to be pathetic again.

But from time to time, he finds his heart beating wildly in his chest. He finds himself staring after Takano. He finds himself yearning to be "lovey-dovey" with Takano.

No. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want Takano, no matter how many times he wakes up in his bed.

He doesn't. Really.

Who was he kidding? He does. He was not in love with Takano, that he was sure of, but he certainly felt something toward him.

But every time that something came, he was quick to remind himself of why he was so jaded. He had to protect himself.

He wanted to keep feeling, and Takano wasn't going to ruin that. Not again.

But it keeps happening. He keeps blushing at mundane things Takano says to him. He keeps ending up in his apartment to eat dinner. He keeps waking up in his arms, warm and safe.

And one day, the truth finally hit him. He was the one holding himself back. He had long since gotten over the break-up, but he keeps reminding himself of it. He had long accepted that his mother was gone, but he keeps going back to the day of the funeral.

Takano was pushy, but he also praised him constantly and kept saying how much he loved Ritsu, even if Ritsu didn't deserve this blind dedication.

Now, he finally realized. Maybe he was worthy of being loved. Maybe he deserved to indulge himself without trying to keep himself in check.

Maybe… maybe he could love Takano back.

So he took baby steps.

He started small, and as he healed his battered heart and bleeding soul, he went bigger.

Brushing their hands together turned to full-blown hand-holding. Sitting as far away as possible turned to sitting so close he was practically in the other man's lap. Angry curses and insults lost their bite. Turning down meal offers turned to him attempting (and failing) to cook their meals.

Trying to hate Takano turned to falling hopelessly in love with him.

And it's only through his own realization that he was able to get this far.

His mother taught him what feelings were and took them with her. Saga put a Band-Aid on his wound then pulled it off just as quickly. Nao took the time to stitch his wounds and bring back his mother's lessons. Takano went over any remaining scars and put on a salve.

But only he himself was able to tell himself that he deserved to be loved. He deserved more than to live the rest of his life telling himself that he's pathetic.

He deserved better, and he gave himself better.

Ritsu had grown accustomed to waking up to biting cold; what he wasn't used to was awakening to stifling heat.

He yawned loudly, then blinked his eyes open, trying to find the source of the heat. He didn't need to, because the second thing he registered was the tight arms holding him close to a firm chest.

Ritsu blushed, finally recalling the events of last night. He'd let himself go again. Strangely enough, he found that he didn't feel any regret.

He'd fallen asleep on Masamune's chest, with his head over his heart. The sound of his lover's heartbeat in his ears comforted him more than he'd like to admit.

He closed his eyes and nuzzled closer. Slowly, he fell asleep to the steady beat.

Masamune, who had woken up from his fidgeting lover, smiled as Ritsu nuzzled closer. How he'd dreamed of this day.

With a sigh, he closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep, which wasn't hard with Ritsu's warmth pressed against him.

Oh, they'd wake up eventually and realize that they'd missed their alarm, but for now, the two lovers slumbered peacefully, finding only warmth in their dreams.

I've never actually enjoyed reading character studies, but writing about these boys is just so fun, I couldn't help myself!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did.