The song for this fic is The Lumineers - Sleep On The Floor

CLARKE'S POV:

Madi cleared her throat to announce her presence in the doorway. "Are you ready? The meeting's about to start."

Internally, I took a deep breath for good luck. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

She shrugged. "Gaia let me come check on you."

I motioned for the exit. "I'm fine. You can go back to class," I stepped into the bright light of the day and took in the hussle and bussle of Life Valley.

It had been a month since we'd gotten everyone to agree on integrating in the valley. Everyone was still up in the air about whether or not it would work. Fights broke out occasionally. Disputes grew heated. Everyone was so diverse in their customs that we struggled to get a handle on it without resulting in violence, but we needed another solutions. That's what our meeting was about today, which meant I had to interact with everyone.

"Go back to class," I instructed.

She spotted Bellamy across the way in a discussion with Echo. "Bellamy," She ran over.

I wanted to stop her but I couldn't without making a scene.

He turned around with a hardened face that softened when he saw her.

I watched him interact with her in a way that we hadn't in a long time.

He looked up and caught my gaze.

Things between us had been a little tense lately and it began to feel like it wouldn't ever get back to how we used to be. Maybe that was the point. We had changed into people that maybe no longer fit together like puzzle pieces.

I tore my attention away to start walking toward the meeting tent for the Council.

Octavia was already inside. She'd been the most vocal of us all about tightening up ship. "This is unacceptable. How do you expect us to lead without fear?" She had said in our first meeting after the valley came together.

She looked up at my arrival. "Wanheda,"

I recoiled at the name. "Don't call me that."

Diyoza kicked her clunky boots on the table and put her hands behind her head. "Here we go,"

I sat across from them with a restrained huff. "No one remembers Wanheda, no need to bring her back from the dead."

Octavia placed her hands on the table and leaned forward. "You may not be that person anymore but one of us needs to step up and command these people. We're letting them get away with too much. My people think I'm a joke now." She gestured to herself. "And that's not okay with me."

"And that has to do with me why?"

She slammed her fist on the table, her mouth frowned. "I lead my people with one rule, to go against us was death. Now we're letting them run around with zero punishment besides a slap on the wrist. If we don't take action they will revolt, try to overthrow us. What do you think they'll do to your precious Madi?"

I shot up. "I'd watch yourself if I were you,"

"I'm just stating facts. Plenty have tried to overthrow me in the bunker, I made sure they were used as lessons to keep the others in line."

Diyoza piped in, "She's right. We gave giving them time to acclimate a try, now we have to enforce laws."

"We're not using death as a punishment or have you learned nothing from the end of the world?"

The tent ruffled and in walked Bellamy. He looked between us in question. "What's going on here?" He sat at the end of the table beside neither of us.

"There were ten outbreaks in our first month here. None of them were met with consequence. Clarke wants to come up with a solution that doesn't beget death as a punishment while Octavia and I see the facts that without harsh penalty there's no reason to stay in line." Diyoza interjected.

I sighed. "I'm not saying there not be a penalty. We don't have to execute people so they know we're serious. We could banish them or put them on work detail."

Octavia scoffed.

Diyoza looked at Bellamy. "What do you think, Brown Eyes?"

My jaw clenched at her semi flirtatious tone whenever she talked to him. I rolled my eyes and caught his brief stare.

"We do need penalties a bit more extreme than work detail,"

I gaped at him. "You're not seriously suggesting-"

He held his hand up. "But we don't need to result in killing people either." He stared at them both pointedly.

Octavia crossed her arms. "Then what solution do you have, brother?"

We all stared at him.

"Why don't we let the people decide?"

"That's ridiculous." Diyoza laughed. "You can't really-"

Octavia held her hand up to pause her. "Actually, it's not a bad idea."

My forehead creased. "Seriously?"

"You said if we're going to do this then why not try out every possible fix, right?" Her tone not recognizable.

I could tell from the look in her eye that there was something she wasn't saying. Maybe something she figured out that we hadn't.

Out of habit, I turned to Bellamy to get his take on it.

He'd done the same.

We stared at each other, uncomfortable with the fact that we'd forgotten that we didn't do that anymore. I wasn't sure if it had to do with him and Echo, my jealousy, or that we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things. He was right in front of me and yet he still felt a million miles away.

I wanted to cry, but I cleared my throat and put on a brave face. "Are we done here?" I put my gaze on the middle of the air.

"How about a town meeting this evening to discuss?"

"Excellent," Octavia answered.

Bellamy's stiff voice said, "Okay with me."

"How about it, Clarke?"

I needed to get out of the room and away from Bellamy. "Yeah," I headed for the exitway.

"You need to talk to your girlfriend," I heard Octavia mumble to him as I exited. "She's losing her mind."

Instead of making it into a big deal I wandered through the valley. There were vendors selling food, jewelry, clothes, medicine. It was eery how much it reminded me of Tondc. Everything was so different back then. So many people died. And now I was afraid we'd make the same damn mistakes.

Raven played the guitar while she perched against the railing of her and Emori's place. "Why the long face?" She continued to play. "Let me guess, you saw Bellamy."

I didn't dignify that with an answer. I sat beside her on the railing. "I feel like I'm flailing in the ocean." My forehead went to her shoulder.

"Have you thought about taking a break from leading the world for once?"

"If I did that then I'd definitely drown."

She laughed. "Always dramatic,"

I looked up at her. "I'm sorry, how many times has the world ended around us?"

She let me have that one. "Fine, but the biggest thing stressing you out you can control."

My hand stopped her from playing. "I can't control that."

She nudged me off. "You know what I mean. You have the power to walk over there," She nodded in the direction he walked from. "And talk to him. Do you not?"

It wasn't that simple. Yet she was right.

Murphy, Miller, and Zeke headed our way. They were leading a bootcamp for stress relief as their way of easing tensions. They started it as soon as they saw eye to eye way before the valley came together. They'd gotten about a dozen give or take on board but some were still skeptical. Hell, maybe I should join it. I needed some of my tensions relieved.

Raven saw them coming and dragged her fingers along the strings in a very untalented way. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they were shirtless and very sweaty.

I couldn't blame her. My attention was held captive by Zeke's chocolatey abs and everything.

He saw us staring and winked. "Ladies,"

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Raven stared at him like he was a snack. He stared back at her in the exact same way.

Murphy noticed the exchange and ran faster.

Zeke continued to hold her gaze a moment longer.

"Is he boiling your potatoe?" I teased.

She finally looked at me with a half scowl, then it disappeared when she asked, "How are the nightmares coming?"

They started before they landed back on Earth and somehow they worsened after he got here. It was like my brain was stuck on a loop of getting him back to only lose him over and over again in a vicious cycle of night terrors. Perhaps it was my heart that had the trouble not accepting reality and not my head.

I looked at the ground.

"That well, huh?"

"So you haven't been talking to my mother about it then?" I stared out at the crowd.

She went back to strumming her guitar. "What do you expect out of us, Clarke? To stop caring?"

The smell of grilled meat drifted to my nose. "Does everyone know?"

Did Bellamy?

"How could he know, you literally scream his name in your sleep."

My face turned red. I pressed my hands into my face and shook my head. This was so embarrassing.

She placed a hand on my shoulder. "Relax, 'kay."

I looked at her. "I can't, that's kind of the problem."

Mischief danced in her brown eyes. "You know what you need?"

I was afraid to ask.

"Let me set you up with this guy that I met the other day, he's pretty cool. He's already expressed interest in you."

"A blind date, Raven? I can't."

Her head tilted to the side. "You want to know what you're problem is? You're still acting like the end of the world is coming again. And maybe it is, but we have time now. Time to just live. We're all trying to figure out what that means. Maybe you should too."

When she put it like that I was a bit one track minded. Could I be blamed? Ever since we stepped foot on this planet we had to be in survival mode. She was right, we didn't have to live that way anymore. If we didn't have to live that way anymore then why was I the only one still breaking my back to fix our problems?

I looked around and could easily spot our friends enjoying themselves and doing their own things. Monty and Harper started an health food stand, he was excited to play around with other ingredients besides algae.

Emori started a dance group that Echo helped out with in her spare time, but weapons training was her first love.

Bellamy was helping Kane and my mom do routine check ups.

Raven had her music. She hadn't given up on engineering, she said she wanted a break.

I...Well, I didn't have anything besides being a mother, which I supposed was a full time job in its own right.

"What should I wear?" I asked to give this having my own thing a shot.

She grinned, then looked down at my outfit. "Anything but that."

"What's wrong with what I have on?"

With a sigh, she rose. "Let's take a walk."

I ended up getting a redish, blackish leather dress that wasn't really my style but I hadn't had the opportunity to dress up since I stayed with Lexa in the tower. Wearing this on my first ever date was a bit nerve-wracking.

Raven helped do my hair. She pulled and twisted a few strands back on each side. "You're going to have fun tonight."

I sighed. "Raven, I can't wear this."

"What? You look amazingly hot."

Exactly.

"What if I don't like this guy? What if he gets the wrong idea?" Nerves flapped in my stomach. "I should wear something a little more practical."

She leaned forward to look at me. "Practical is overrated. Ilian is a nice guy. He's hot. I think you're going to like him. If you don't then you can say you went out tonight looking sexy as hell and you tried. And if he can't handle you in this dress that's his problem. Right?"

My eyes rolled. She had all the points. I nodded.

"Let me put on some of this powder that Harper and Emori came up with. They call it makeup. I don't know why."

I let her poke at my face until she was satisfied. "If you keep this up I'm going to be late."

"Who's excited now?"

To tell you the truth, I was a bit excited. The act of blindly getting to know someone for one night was a bit scary but to my understanding, people used to do it all the time back when everything imploded.

"You look amazing." She beamed as she now stood in front of me. "He's going to lose his shit."

"Ilian?"

She gave a thumbs up. "Uh huh." She grabbed a bottle from her bag off of my makeshift dresser and handed it to me. "Here, just a sip."

After one more pep talk, I stepped outside. The night air had cooled off from the heat of the day.

Madi sat outside my tent with her arms crossed. She had a permanent scowl on her face.

"What's wrong, Madi?"

Her head shook.

Raven and I glanced at each other.

"Okay, I'm cancelling."

Madi looked up at me with hopeful eyes. "Really?"

Raven held up a finger. "Absolutely not." She stared at Madi. "How about I take you to Emori's dance circle and I'll buy you some dinner?" Raven offered.

She pouted like every teenager and had an attitude. She'd been that way since I told her I was going on a blind date.

"I've got this," Raven assured. "Go have fun."

I didn't know if it was possible but with a quick hug and a kiss on Madi's forehead, I started for one of the two "restaurants" we had. Really it was outside seating with table service and a makeshift kitchen several feet away, but it was better than when we first started out.

The valley was beautiful at night. Every several feet there were fires to keep the area well light. Seasoned meat and veggies gave the crisp air a vibrant feel with the many sounds of music in the background. The laughter and conversation felt monumental. People were getting along here, maybe not as much as we wanted, but they were coming together on their own. People were starting to procreate because it felt like they had the chance to bring them into this world. I was excited to see what this community would look like with little kids running around.

When I got to the restaurant there were already a few people sitting. I froze in place when I saw Bellamy sitting across from Echo, the two of them laughing. Of all the restaurants in this joint and I had to have my first date a few feet away from him.

"Clarke,"

I torn my gaze away from Bellamy to take in an extremely attractive guy with golden skin like Bellamy's and longish hair. He was well built. Did I mention he was attractive?

"Hi," I reached forward to shake his hand.

He shook mine with a light laugh. "Hi, nice to meet you."

My eyes back to Bellamy to find him staring at me. "You too," I told Ilian as I sat. My brain screamed for me to look away from Bellamy but my eyes didn't quite get the message and it wasn't like he parted his gaze either.

"Ah," Ilian said. "A rebound date."

My eyes snapped to him. "What?"

He gestured with his eyes in Bellamy's direction. "I figured there was something going on but I wasn't quite sure."

"There's nothing go-"

A server came to pour us some water and give us menus, then gave us time to decide on the four options.

I leaned forward to finish the conversation. "There's nothing going on between us."

He peered over his menu in an amused fashion. He clearly didn't believe me. "Leave it to me to fancy a woman that's got another man's heart."

"Ilian," I was about to deny it but I didn't know what lie to tell him.

He leaned forward with his elbows on the table, his brown eyes on me. "Clarke, it's okay. It was a long shot that someone like you wasn't tied up." He offered a charming smile.

A smile tugged at my lips at his compliment. "Thanks, I think."

The server brought out a basket of bread.

He grinned back. "Now, I heard the grilled nondescript bird with sauteed algae is good." He glanced at the menu, then back at me with a cheeky grin.

I laughed. "Who'd you hear that from?"

"Jealous?" He raised a teasing brow.

I tore off a piece of my roll to chuck at him playfully. "Not even a little bit."

We ordered when the server came back. It took everything in me to not look back at Bellamy and Echo. I wasn't some child with a schoolgirl crush anymore. My choices were move on or move on. He was happy with Echo.

I sneaked a glance at them out of the corner of my eye, it appeared like they were talking about something hushed.

"So did you know who I was when Raven told you?" Ilian asked.

My head shook. "No, but I remember seeing you around now that I think about it." He'd been at the town hall meetings, of course. He helped who I assumed was his father run a clothing shop. Did Raven get this dress from him?

He seemed pleased by that. "What did Raven tell you about me exactly?"

I thought back to our initial conversation. "Only that you had a big crush on me?" I grinned so he knew I was joking.

He gave a laugh. "You're not too far off."

I found myself blushing. Not necessarily because I liked him but because it had been so long since anyone liked me. I already said he was really attractive, right?

"If I couldn't feel the daggered stare of the Alpha male to my left I'd feel like there was a shot," He whispered.

My smile felt fake at his words. "He's protective. Old habits die hard, I guess."

Raven and Monty set up post by the edge of dance floor. Raven started playing her guitar while Monty drummed away.

"I didn't realize they played together." I watched in amazement.

He nodded. "They're good, right? This is their fourth night playing here."

I bopped my head to the beats.

He stood and held a hand out. "Do you want to dance?"

Why not.

I took his hand. We made our way over to the dance floor. I hadn't danced in so long, maybe since our last dance up on the Ark.

Ilian made it look easy. He moved with the beat of the music freely.

The few sips of whatever Raven gave me had kicked in so I easily swayed with him. There was nothing romantic about our dance. We weren't even touching. It was more like jumping around, twisting and turning while we laughed.

Raven caught my eyes and smiled encouragingly.

I sent her a thankful grin. She pushed me to go out and low and behold, I had fun. I wasn't sitting at home in my head about things that were out of my control.

Ilian took ahold of my arms and we swung around a few times, which dizzed us both out, but we still got a laugh out of it. He placed his hand on my arm to get my attention. "Our food is on the table."

As we went back to our table I noticed Echo and Bellamy walk away. A little of my contentment washed away, replaced by longing. I wanted to be the one holding his hand as we walked down the lively valley at night. I wanted to be the one that he sat across these tables with and ate dinner like a real couple. I wanted him.

"Woah," Ilian got my attention back. "You want to tell me again that there's nothing going on there?"

I huffed. My hand gripped the back of my neck. "Bellamy and I, we're complicated."

"No kidding," He dug into his food. "You guys ever hook up?" He grinned at my surprised mouth drop. "We're all adults here, Clarke."

I wanted to glance over my shoulder to see if he was still in view. That was how much I missed him. I pushed my fork through the algae. "No, never. But..." I didn't know if I should say the words.

"But you wanted to," His eyes ran over my face. "It must've been hard living apart for six years."

My lips pulled into a wry smile. "Now it feels like he never came back."

His fork clanked on his plate. "Can I ask you something personal?"

I looked at him with a raised brow. "Isn't that what we've been doing?"

"Yeah," He shrugged. "Alright," He leaned back in his seat. "Why do you have nightmares?"

My face had never felt so hot. He knew. Everyone knew, that wasn't news.

"You don't have to answer," He assured.

I scratched at my temple. "No, it's fine. I haven't really settled back into society yet." My teeth sunk into my lip. "I'm trying to be who I was before but everything's different. I'm different. He's different." I felt my eyes sting. "I can't expect him to drop his girlfriend, his new life just to be with me."

"Why can't you be friends?"

I shrugged. "I tried. He tried. Maybe there's too much history there to even pretend."

The music changed tempo into something softer.

He looked back at Raven, then turned a bit jittery. "Hey, I hate to do this, but I completely forgot that my mom and I had a huge order for tomorrow." He stood from his chair.

"What?" I couldn't help but look confused.

He looked apologetic. "I'm an ass, I'm so sorry."

I was about to stand up, my mood a bit sour at the turn of events. I reached for our barter cash.

"No, here. It's on me." He placed enough money to cover the both of our meals on the table, apologized a few more times, then left with, "I had a good time. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I sat there trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. He had a clothing order emergency? How likely was that? He just realized I was too hung up on another guy to even be friends with me. Was I destined to be guyless or girlless for the rest of my days? I needed to clear my head, but I didn't know how to do that.

I got to my feet with a sigh. When I turned around I froze at the sight of Bellamy standing a few feet away. Words escaped me as we stared at each other. My heart thumped rapidly.

He came back.

His dark gaze felt heavy on me. He walked over to my table. "Mind if I sit?"

"Yeah,"

His forehead creased. "Oh," He began to walk away. "Sorry to bother you."

Confusion overtook me and I realized my phrasing. "Bellamy,"

He stopped and turned around with a cautious look.

"I-I meant that you could sit." I wasn't a fumbly person but I was in front him. "If you want to."

He gestured to the table. "I don't want to ruin your date."

An ironic laugh left me. "I did that all on my own." I pressed my lips together and sat down with a nod in the direction of the chair across from me.

He came to sit. He looked as uncomfortable as I felt. "You look nice,"

I grinned. "Thanks. Raven insisted that I wear this." I gave an awkward laugh. "It's not really me." But I felt uncharacteristically me in it.

"I don't know, you look more Clarke than I've seen in a long time." His eyes fell up and down my body.

My body felt like it was on high alert. "Really?"

His eyes met mine. "The last time I saw you dressed up was when we came to rescue you from TonDC." His voice held a strain of reminiscence. "You looked beautiful then too."

A smile broke out on my face, I didn't even try to hide it. "Are you hungry?" I lifted my plate up a bit. "I couldn't eat much."

Without a second thought, he took a forkful of my mystery meat. "Were you nervous?"

A crackle hit through the sky.

We looked up but nothing else happened.

I cleared my throat. "A bit." I leaned forward when he offered me some of the food on the fork. I swallowed before I answered. "I haven't really ever been on a date." I sat back and some of the stress melted away with his presence. "Not a proper one, there's never been time."

He nodded. "Now we've got nothing but time."

We locked eyes, an unspoken wave of knowing passed through us.

"Are you going to see him again?"

I leaned my head on my fist on the table. "I don't know. He ran out of here so fast." I thought back to the very embarrassing act.

"It looked like you were having fun and if he doesn't try to make it up to you then he's an idiot."

I wasn't sure what possessed me to say it but I did, "There's a lot of that going around." My words held a bit of bite to them.

Lightning flashed through the darkened sky.

He stopped eating. "What's that supposed to mean?" He looked up at me with a clenched jaw.

My shoulders shrugged. "I don't know. Seems like you've got your hands full nowadays. I don't want to get in the way of that."

The sky cracked again.

I stared at my lap.

"You don't want to get in the way of that?" He asked with a hard voice. "Could've fooled me. You rush out of a room every time I enter. You barely talk to me. You can't even look at me."

More lightning followed.

"How am I supposed to make time for you when you don't even want to be around me?"

I felt the beginning of tears as it started to drizzle. "How can I be around you when you're with her?" I demanded.

The wind started to pick up.

He grew still. "Clarke,"

Before he could see me cry over this, I shot up from the table. The thunder became more frequent. I marched away.

"Hey," He called after me. "Are you going to keep running away?"

I ignored him. If I focused on not crying then I wouldn't.

He grabbed my hand. "Clarke," He wouldn't let me go forward. "Look at me, please."

I gave in and stared up at him. "What?" My voice came out all crackly from trying not to cry. "Are you going to tell me that I'm being silly, that things haven't changed between us, that we can still be friends even though we aren't the same?"

His eyes softened. "Is that what this is about? Echo did not replace you, Clarke."

My laugh was sour. "No, she didn't. You just moved on with your life with her when I spent everyday of those six years radioing you," I couldn't keep the venom out of my voice. I threw our hands apart. "

"I thought you were dead!" His eyes grew angry and moist.

I stilled. This wasn't new information but it was different to hear him say it then infer it.

The drizzle turned into a heavy rain in an instant.

"I mourned you everyday and eventually I moved on because I knew that if you were up there with us it wouldn't have made a difference. You didn't see me the way I saw you."

And there it was. The unspoken thing between us became spoken.

The rain had soaked us both. His hair was plastered to his face. He shoved it back and for a second he looked like the Bellamy I first saw when he opened the dropship door.

"You want to talk about us now yet you still can't accept it that I was in love with you back then." He yelled over the storm.

I wanted to run away. He was right. I was a runner. But it only happened when it came to him...because I was afraid of what would happen if I stood still.

He stared at me as he waited for me to say something. When I didn't he started to walk away. "Great conversation."

How did I tell him he was my home and someone else had moved in when I got an eviction notice?

He'd been right. When it came down to it, I couldn't face that fact with him for whatever reason. So all of this had irrevocably been my fault.

My stomach flipped, a heavy wave of emotion hit me while I stood there with the rain beating down on me. I covered my face when the tears came.

"It's okay," Raven turned me around and hugged me to her.

I let out a sob. "It was my fault." I cried into her shoulder.

She hugged me tightly. "No, it's not." She rubbed my back. "I promise."

Every time I repressed my emotions since he came down flooded out of me now. I didn't try to hide my sobs, it wasn't like anyone could hear them over the storm anyway. He had said it, I'd been the one to mess everything up. They'd been messed up those entire six years. Why couldn't I have explained to him back then that I wasn't ready? How could I tell him now that I was without sounding like the worst person ever?

"He hates me," My voice shook. I shook.

"He doesn't hate you, you idiot. He's confused."

It wasn't fair to expect him to have worked through it if he was. He let me go and put his heart with someone else. I felt so lost.

She ushered me forward.

He wasn't anywhere in sight. He was really gone. My Bellamy was really gone.

I tried to dry my eyes but it was no use due to the rain.

Once back at my place, she helped me clean up. She assured me that Madi was with Harper and Monty. She sat me on my bed. "I'm only going to say this once because I love you,"

I looked at her with tired eyes.

"Either nut up or shut up."

"Excuse me?" I felt defensive.

She wiped my face off with some cloth. "There's only so much I'm willing to listen to before I tell you to go for it or throw in the towel. This is me telling you that."

My hand grabbed hers. "How the hell am I supposed to do that? You saw how our talk ended. I don't know how to talk to him anymore."

We were used to relying on each other in extreme situations. There wasn't anything that extreme now to push us toward saving each other's lives or bargaining for each other. How did two people that couldn't figure out their feelings suddenly become friends in the midst of not knowing each other anymore?

Her head shook. "You need to figure it out for your sanity and mine. You're a grown ass woman. You love him. All you have to do is tell him that, put yourself out there for once."

I hated that she was such a real friend sometimes, she never hesitated to tell me like it was.

"You either tell him how you feel soon or you lose your chance." She gave me a hug and left.

But he was with Echo? How was I supposed to put myself out there? I'd look like an idiot. He'd tell me he was with her and that we could only be friends, but it wouldn't ever be like it was. As crazy as it sounded, I wanted to go back in time. Even if it meant reliving those six years over gain.

I talked myself out and in of finding him a thousand times before the storm stopped. When it came down to it, I couldn't muster up the balls big enough to open myself up to that rejection. Ultimately, I fell asleep.

I stared at him across a field. Madi tugged him forward until we were face to face.

My hand covered my mouth in disbelief that he was really in front of me.

He cracked a watered eyed grin. "Hey, Princess."

I went to him with tears down my face. "Bell,"

Everything melted away.

He made the first move because I was frozen in place. His arms wrapped tightly around me.

I started to cry. "Where have you been?" I asked into his chest.

"I'm here now," He kissed the top of my head. He felt too good to be real.

"Promise you won't leave again," I looked up at him vulnerable eyes.

He held my face in his hand. "I promise." He grinned.

I smiled at him through teary eyes.

He leaned down to meet my mouth with his for the very first time.

All of my breath left me as my knees grew weak.

He held me to him, he enhanced our kiss my opening up his mouth.

I was afraid that he'd disappear at any moment like so many times before. I broke away to make sure he was real. My hands ran over his shoulders, through his hair, across his lips. "You're real? You're really here?"

He smiled. "What do you think?"

I smiled back. "I think this is too good to be true."

His face cracked with his composure. He bellowed out a laugh as if this was all one big joke.

My hands fell away from him. I backed up with the knowledge that like every other meeting I recalled, this was in my head. And I couldn't wake up.

He vanished along with his laughter.

Rage filled me but all that came out was an frustrated cry. I begged and begged for him to come back but he never did.

There was a tingly sensation along my forehead as hair was gently pushed out of my face. "Clarke," Another hand cupped my cheek. "Wake up," The voice whispered gently.

My eyes popped open and I gasped awake. My breath came heavy as I gathered my surroundings. Sweat made my night clothes stick to my skin along with my hair. I noticed a pair of brown eyes down at me. Then I took in the handsome face that surrounded them, the warm, calming touch that hijacked over my body. My mouth felt dry. "Bell,"

He looked a mix of relieved and heartbroken.

I couldn't understand why he was here. I sat up on my bed to get a better sense of what happened. My face was slick with tears, I recalled my nightmare.

Great.

"You heard that, didn't you?" I didn't look him in the eyes.

He moved a bit closer. "Yeah, I was coming to talk to you,"

I ran my hand through my hair. "Why?" I caught my breath.

"I didn't like how we left things." He paused. "I saw you,"

My eyes went to his in question.

"I turned back and saw you crying with Raven." He cleared his throat. "I wanted to apologize, but I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry."

A heavy breath left me. "You said what you meant." I stared into his eyes with my heart on my sleeve. "You were right. I didn't want to accept that you had feelings for me."

"We don't have to talk about this now." His forehead creased.

I bit my lip nervously. "If I don't then I'll lose my nerve."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and waited for me to continue.

"I wasn't ready to come to terms with those feelings six years ago, I had a lot of growing to do before I could accept them. When I did and you came down it was too late." I felt like I was going to empty the contents of my stomach out. "I know that I should've cleared the air then but I was afraid." My eyes pricked with wetness. "I'm still afraid." I looked down at my fumbling hands. "You were my best friend, Bell. And now it feels like I don't have a friend at all, like you never came back."

He tried to find his words. "Is that what your dream was about?"

I looked up at him. "You really don't know?"

"Know what?" He looked concerned.

The urge to reach out and touch him was so strong. I ignored it. "I have nightmares every night that you come back and then you disappear like you were never there." I felt a sense of shame telling him the most obsessive part of my feelings for him.

He reached forward.

I recoiled back, I looked at him with wide eyes. "Please don't." My throat felt heavy. "If this turns out to be another dream..." Fat tears welled in my eyes. I tried to blink them away but they wouldn't leave. "I can't take that."

He reached forward again.

"Please," My teeth clenched together when my tears spilled over. I couldn't help from trembling.

He ignored me and brought me to him anyway. "I'm sorry."

My head shook. I weakly pushed against his chest. "You left me." I cried.

He didn't let go.

"You left me," I ugly sobbed. My hands beat against his chest as hard as I could manage. "You left me behind," The double meaning hung between us. "How could you..." My voice broke.

"I'm sorry," He tightened his hold. He must've been crying because my shoulder was wet.

I gave one last attempt at pushing him away that was too weak to move a fly, then I crumbled into him, unable to see through my tears.

"How could you?" My voice was just under a whisper.

He held me in his warm arms. He recognized the moment I stopped crying and made me look at him.

I knew I looked a hot mess times ten but he still looked at me as he did when I was dressed up earlier. My eyes ran over his face. He had in fact been crying.

With his hands holding both sides of my face and mine clutched to his neck, we were in a peculiar position. One with barely an inch of space between us. One where our eyes were locked with the promise of never leaving each other's again. One where I ached to feel his lips move against mine lovingly.

I was on the precipice of begging him to when he inched his mouth toward mine.

"Princess," He muttered yearningly. He was so close.

My lips couldn't take the wait and I took the distance away by testingly placing mine on his.

He sat stock still, nothing moved but his lips against mine.

I let out a gasped moan at the feeling that swirled inside of me. My hands went to his hair as I tugged greedily on his lips. I pushed my tongue onto his. At that point, the strength he'd been holding onto broke.

He grabbed my hips and pointedly pulled me against his erection. His hand grabbed the back of my neck to deepen the kiss on his part.

I grinded into him with the intention of making him harder. My arm hung around his shoulder as I let us fall back onto my bed with him on top of me. My legs wrapped around his lower back.

He stilled.

"What's wrong?" Then I remembered that he wasn't in the same place I was. He had Echo.

He pulled away with a sigh. "I can't do this with you," His eyes held regret. "Not like this."

No part of me should be shocked because I should've thought of that before but it escaped me. Along with him.

"Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

What choice did I have? We'd gotten in this mess by not talking about things.

I nodded.

He got off my bed and stiffly walked away.

"Bellamy," I shocked myself by calling him.

He looked over his shoulder.

"Can you stay?" I felt terrible asking, but I needed him right now. I hated being this dependent, but my head was messed up and I needed the reassurance just this once.

He looked so torn in that moment until he walked back to me.

I hadn't realized I held my breath until he settled in behind me. I laid back, uncomfortably so.

We stared up at the roof of the tent. Awkward silence filled the air.

I had to say something, so I said, "Thank you."

"For what?"

My head turned to him. "For stopping things. For staying."

His head turned to me. He was about to say something then stopped himself.

To save him the trouble, I turned on my side. Thankfully, I was tuckered out from all the crying and emotions, so I fell asleep fairly quickly.

When I woke the next morning I half expected that he'd be gone. Yet he was still beside me. I woke up in the same position I went to sleep in.

He had his back to me as well.

I made myself get up because staying in bed with Bellamy wasn't the right thing to do. He'd done his part to ease his conscience. Now I had to be a big girl and pull myself up by the bootstraps.

The Sun hadn't yet rose but the first light colored the sky. I spotted the bootcamp group stretching and waved. It was uplifting to see former delinquents, tatted and scarred grounders, and hardened criminals stretching their hamstrings.

Murphy jogged over to me. "You're up early."

I rubbed my hands over my arms to warm them up. "Yeah, couldn't fall back to sleep."

"You want to talk about it?"

If you had told me that Murphy would ask if I was okay and genuinely mean it when we first landed here I would've laughed up a lung. He'd come a long way. I was proud of him.

My head shook. "No, not really." I nodded a hello to the others.

He offered a challenging grin. "You want to hang out with us?"

I almost laughed. "You're not serious are you?"

Murphy had put on a bit of muscle since he started running the bootcamp with Miller and Zeke. I wasn't afraid to put on muscle, I just didn't think I had what it took to go through their bootcamp.

"What have you got to lose?"

Besides my dignity? My breath. Well, I had already lost both of those in the course of my life. I could say no, go back inside, and wait for Bellamy to wake up so we could have that dreaded talk about how he didn't see me that way and blah blah blah.

Or I could continue to run from my problems, but in a much healthier way. Maybe the chance to push myself to my limits again would be good for me.

"I don't have any clothes for this?" I admitted disappointedly.

He grinned. "I think I can spare some." He as promised had clothes for me.

I quietly slipped back into my tent, got dressed, and laced up my boots. My eyes went to Bellamy fast asleep. It would take nothing for me to get on the bed and cuddle up beside him. But it wouldn't be right.

He turned over, but remained asleep.

I backed out of there with the solid focus of taking my mind off of all things romance.

Murphy helped me stretch, "You ready to rumble?"

Was I ready to be anywhere but here? Hell yes.

The group started to jog away from the valley. I kept up with them until we got a quarter of a mile away and I couldn't control my breathing to keep running.

Murphy fell behind to stay with me. "You can do this. Just breathe."

That worked for a while longer until I tripped and fell to my knees. My hands were scuffed as, but I stayed like that to catch my breath. I couldn't do this. The idea was laughable really.

"Let's go, Griffin." Murphy jogged in place in front of me. "You can rest when we're done, just get back up."

I shook my head. "I'm done. I'm sorry, this isn't for me."

He stopped. "This isn't for you? Have you seen yourself?"

I gaped up at him. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

His arms crossed. "Only that you're clearly unhappy with your life. You came on this bootcamp because you needed to fill some void, to work some shit out, right? How are you supposed to do that by giving up when you get knocked down?"

My temper flared. "I said I can't do this," Bile rose in my throat, but I pushed back the vomit. "Just go!"

He stayed where he was.

"Leave!" I yelled.

With a sigh, he crouched down in front of me. "If you stop here now, you will regret it."

I met his eyes. I wanted to give up.

"You can do this, Clarke. I know you can." He offered a hand. "You just have to get up and keep moving." His voice held so much certainty that I believed him.

"What if I fall again?"

He offered a supportive grin. "Then I'll be there to tell to get your ass up."

When my mind won out over my body I took his hand and got to my feet. Truth be told, I was scared.

"I was afraid the first time too. What if I didn't succeed? What if I did?" He jogged in place.

"What happened?" I stared at the group far ahead of us, they were at the point of splitting up themselves.

He playfully slapped my shoulder. "I'm standing here waiting for you kick this bootcamp's ass."

I blew out a heavy breath. Quitting was not something I was used to. Truthfully, I wanted to finish this so I could tell myself I did it. I couldn't win the race if I never started, right?

My feet slowly but surely took me forward. Murphy stayed with me until he was sure that I wasn't going to give up. I thought about it a few more times as I prayed that it would all be over soon.

When we reached the man made hills I wanted to throw in the towel but Miller shouted a motivational, "You quit now and what was this all for?" He stood at the top of the third and final hill when we all stopped to catch our breath. "You wanna quit, go ahead. Walk your asses back to camp knowing you refused to believe in yourself. That you didn't give yourself the chance to finish."

I'd never seen him in tough love instructor mode, if he wasn't gay...

Four others attempted to run up the hill. Two made while the other two stumbled back down and lost their temper. Murphy embraced the one that started crying.

The only other girl in the group looked my way. Her red hair was soaked back in a bun from sweat. "Clarke, right?" She held out her hand.

"Yeah," I shook her hand.

"Feona," She gestured to the hill. "Want to show these boys who's boss? On the count of three?" Even though she was tired she had a look of determination in her green eyes, a determination that held a challenge for me.

I nodded. "One."

She grinned. "Two."

"Three,"

We took off up the hill with the sheer motivation of beating the guys. My legs were burning something fierce but I kept going. I could barely breath but I kept going.

Someone threw up behind us.

Zeke fell behind to check on him.

As bad as it was, I was strangely comforted by everyone else's struggle. I wasn't sure why I expected to be the only one that couldn't do this with flying colors. And as much of an awful time I was having, I was also enjoying myself. Something about being constantly on the brink of giving up, sobbing in defeat, vomiting, and finishing this bootcamp was exhilarating.

By the time we'd gotten to the mud pit my stomach turned and I did vomit. I wanted to throw in the towel. Why had I done this again?

Feona held my hair back. "You're not quitting on me, are you?"

There was barbed wire a few feet off of the manmade mudpit.

"Come on, let's go!" Zeke ushered the ones that had arrived under the barbed wire. "You done over there, Clarke?"

The vision of Bellamy and Echo together, of everyone else having their own thing, of my unhappiness taunted me.

My hand clawed the dirt. My muscles ached. My heart hurt. My shins screamed. My eyes teared up. A single tear dropped onto the ground. The ground had had enough of my tears. No more. No more! I slammed my fist into the Earth.

"Are you done, Clarke?" He came to yell in my face.

"No!" I yelled back. I got to my feet. "I'm not."

Miller started singing some old timey Military song.

Feona raced for the mudpit. "Eat my dust,"

I ran and fell to the mud. The mud touched every part of me. My hair got tangled in the wire at first. The need to keep going made me leave it behind. I cried out at the pain of the ripped hair. Now I knew the keep my head down. The taste of vomit, mud, sweat, and tears filled my mouth.

"There's no going back, you're in it now," Zeke screamed at me when I rested after the wire snagged some skin on my tricep. "How are you going to turn around?"

"I'm not," I crawled forward, completely out of breath. Blood trickled down my arm. It wasn't enough to cause me to pass out but damn did it hurt.

"Pain is temporary! It may last for a minute, or an hour, or a

day, or even a year. But eventually it will subside and something else will

take its place. If I quit however, it will last forever." Miller told us.

We neared the sound of running water, which meant we weren't too far from the valley now. I came to a stop not expecting to have to cross the lake on.

Feona jumped in with all she had.

I learned how to swim in my six year sentence. Well, Madi taught me. When I wanted to give up then she encouraged me to keep practicing. Eventually, I didn't flail underneath the surface. She'd want me to finish this. A little water wasn't going to stop me.

I backed up a few feet, then jumped into the water. My limbs pushed me toward the surface, I took in a big breath and swam toward the other side of the lake where knotted ropes were tied to a railing that seemed to be bolted in the ground.

How much time did they spend on this course?

My arms grabbed ahold of the rope, it burned my hands when I tried to climb. My boots were too worn down and wet to allow me good grip. Inevitably, I fell back into the water. Apparently, my upper arm strength wasn't up to par. I watched in frustration as others managed their way up the hill.

"It's almost over," A guy said to me as he climbed up.

I can. I will. I must. I repeated it in my head until I forced my way up. My arms felt like jello and I feared I'd fall back again, but I was so close.

Feona waited for me at the top with a smirk. "What took you so long?" She held a hand out to help me up the rest of the way.

Gratefully, I took it. I wanted to lay down for a few seconds but she pulled me forward.

"Seriously?" I complained at the mile left back to the valley.

She placed the sandbag over my shoulder. "Seriously." She grabbed hers and waited for me to start running.

I didn't know this girl before this bootcamp, I hadn't noticed her ever. She had seen my worst side thus far and here she was making sure I didn't fall behind or give up. As we ran together I felt the bond of a new friendship form.

"You didn't come this far to only come this far." Zeke encouraged.

We were oh so close to victory. Everything hurt but we were so close. So much closer than when I first started and wanted to run back home.

Murphy jogged backwards ahead of us. "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it."

My lungs burned for rest. His words hit home.

He gestured to himself. "You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done." He found my eyes.

I felt a sense of pride in myself for making it thus far.

"If you're willing to go through all the battling you gotta go through to get to where you want to get, who's got the right to stop you?" He challenged us. "I mean, maybe you guys got something you never finished. Something you really want to do. Something you never said to somebody. Something,"

I looked around and saw that's his words hit everyone in some way. We were all connected in our hardships.

He looked at us all. "And you told them no even after you paid your dues. Who's got the right to tell you that? Who? Nobody!"

When did he get so wise? When did he learn how to say the right thing at the right time? Where was this Murphy when we landed?

"It's your right to listen to your gut and ain't nobody's right to say no after you earned the right to be what you want to be and do what you want to do."

He eyed me again. "Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!"

Tears of accomplishment filled my eyes.

"Did you just Rocky us?" Feona asked.

He grinned at us, then turned around to finish out the course.

I pushed forward even though my back felt like it was going to break, even though my legs felt like they were going to give out. I pushed forward with a warrior's yell and was surprised when a few others joined in until we reached the first tent of our home.

Citizens looked onward but none of us cared how we looked or smelled or felt when we came to a victorious stop.

I collapsed on the ground with a smile on my face. My chest rose and fell. I covered my eyes as elation swept over me. Some part of me wanted to do it all over again, but I knew my body couldn't handle it just yet.

"Not so hard, now was it?" Murphy teased.

My hands uncovered my eyes, I sat up. "Easy as pie." I held up a hand.

He clasped onto it to help me up.

I caught sight of Bellamy standing by Echo, they stared at me. I blew out a breath and it felt a little easier to walk by them.

Feona brought her arm around my shoulders. "You killed it out there,"

I offered an exhausted grin. "You too," I looked around as we kept walking. "Where are we going?"

Miller turned with a grin. "Post workout gorge." He rubbed his hands together in excitement.

Feona and I smiled at each other.

We all pulled a few tables together and sat. Thomas, the owner, had agreed to a discounted price for the bootcamp to come and eat after their courses.

The server from last night brought us a picture of alcohol to share.

Murphy stood with a raised glass.

My fingers tightened around mine.

"We know we're hard on you guys but it comes from a place of love, even if you are a bunch of lazy assholes," He playfully taunted.

Laughter passed around the group.

I found myself having smiled a lot since we finished.

"At one point or another we've all wanted to give up in this unforgiving world. That's why we started this bootcamp, to push ourselves and to push you all. To bring us all together with one common goal besides not dying; feeling good together." He grinned at us, then looked at me. "Let's give the rookie a hand,"

Everyone surprised me by clapping with hoops and hollers.

Pride filled me once again. It felt good to be apart of this, better than I ever expected.

Murphy raised his cup higher. "Down the hatch,"

We raised ours and downed them.

I gave Murphy an appreciative look as a thank you for getting me here.

He nodded as if it was nothing, then dived into conversation with Miller and Zeke.

Midway into eating our food the sound for a town hall meeting cut through the air. I assumed it was announce what we discussed yesterday in council but no. We gathered to the assembly hall that used to be my home. Only there metal gates in the form of a cage that started in the center of the room and fanned out so there were a few feet of space for us to surround it comfortably.

I found Bellamy. "What's going on?"

He stared at me, then looked away. "I'm not sure." His folded his arms across his chest. "You weren't there this morning, I'm glad you didn't actually run away from our talk." He peeped down at me.

My hands went to my hips. "I didn't realize you wanted to talk about it first thing in the morning,"

We stared at each other until Ilian joined us.

"Hey," He greeted.

I offered a friendly smile. "Hey,"

He placed a hand on my shoulder. "I am so sorry about last night,"

"No, it's okay. I had fun,"

He gave a cute grin. "Good," He took in Bellamy beside me. "Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Ilian." He held out a hand.

Bellamy took it. "Right. Bellamy."

Awkwardness filled the air.

Octavia entered the room with Diyoza beside her. Her forehead was covered in blood.

McGreary manhandled someone with a bag over their head.

"What the hell is going on?" Bellamy wondered.

Octavia stepped forward. "There's too much crime in this valley." Her face a mask of darkness. "The era of turn the other cheek is over," She stared out across the sea of people, she circled the room. "Same game, new rules. Anyone who feels like they were wronged can challenge said person, fight for your life." She gestured for McGreary to put the perpetrator in the arena. "You don't accept then you bring shame upon your loved ones, and the next time you get challenged you don't get a weapon."

Niylah stepped into the arena. Her face was a bit bruised, but it seemed like it didn't have anything on her pride.

I wanted to stop this but I didn't what was happening.

The bag was ripped off to reveal Ilian's father.

Ilian froze next to me.

My hand went to his.

Octavia got on one of the tables to tower above us. "One rule still stands; The audience votes on the Victor's life. The council gets final vote."

Diyoza took the lead. "The crime; That man was accused of raping this woman." She brought two swords to the arena. "New law states that you win the fight, you win your life."

Ilian's hand covered his mouth in disbelief.

The gate was locked from the outside. Not a moment later the sound of metal on metal filled the area and the all too familiar cheering of death and justice worked through the crowd.

Bellamy and I looked at each other in horrification as we silently asked each other how the hell we were going to stop this.

A/N: This story is more about Clarke's journey in this new world than it is about Bellarke. Don't get me wrong, Bellarke will definitely be a focus but the more I wrote of this the clearer it became that there's no easy way to properly convey the acclimating stage of them finding their own footing with themselves individually and as anything more than friends. And this isn't out of the blue, the show is doing the exact same thing. If they magically still fit together after six years of change I'd be worried about the writers. Meaning, it's coming but I wanted to explore their struggles more before they come together. Obviously, Ilian is still alive so I made it so him and Octavia never met. The quotes used were mostly from Rocky and ET the Hip Hop preacher.

P.S. My laptop just crapped out so I had to write the last five pages or so on a desktop in my apartment lobby. So if I don't update for a while it's because I'm without a laptop. I'd really appreciate it if yall left some feedback. :)