They Could Be Beautiful

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and accept no credit towards it. I am not J.K. Rowling or any of her affiliates.

Warning: Quite a few instances of bad language and character death.

Please note that towards the end, there are some direct quotes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; I do not own those either. The wonderful JK Rowling does.

Feedback is always appreciated. Xx

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"Be brave like my mother, Professor."

Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

"It's been fourteen years and still a day doesn't go by that I don't miss your dad."

Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

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It takes James Potter a full four years to convince Lily Evans to go out with him but when she finally agrees, the two are practically inseparable.

She watches all his quidditch matches with heavy complaint and various arguments but when she thinks nobody's looking, her face splits into a smile and nothing, James thinks, nothing could possibly be more heart stopping than Lily Evans, with her green eyes and scarlet hair and a smile on her lips.

He always hovers over her desk anytime they get a test back and he's the first to leap up onto a chair and cheer when she gets full marks. Mind, he's the only one who does, and her cheeks are usually flushed with embarrassment but everybody knows that she secretly loves James Potter with his ridiculous haircut and grinning hazel eyes.

They patrol the corridors together at night and sometimes they talk about mundane things and bitch about Lily's sister (which mostly consists of James nodding along anxiously to Lily's furious rants) and sometimes they talk about the war which is threatening to choke them and swallow them whole.

"Did you hear about the muggle attack on Thursday?" Lily asks one night as they walk, hand in hand down the corridor.

"Yep." James says, tight lipped, and Lily knows he's trying to be brave.

"I want to stop them," She says and looks up at him, waiting for a response. "I want them to know we aren't going to take this lying down."

"Dumbledore's raising an army, you know." James says and squeezes her hand. "We can join, save the world, stop the country from falling apart."

"Yes." Lily says firmly and it's decided.

They sign up to the Order mere days after they leave Hogwarts.

It's not what she expected, Lily thinks as she rubs her eyes and yawns, cradling a cup of coffee to her chest. She and James haven't been allowed out on any missions at all and, whilst Dumbledore says it's because they're still seventeen, it doesn't stop her from feeling completely and utterly useless.

The moment she turns eighteen, she forces her way onto her first rescue mission and she'll be damned if they're going to leave her behind.

Flaming, fiery hair streams out like a halo as she fights, swishing and ducking and she's a hurricane- a tornado of light and goodness and maybe just a little bit of danger. She fights well and she is rewarded.

James persuades the Order to let him join Lily on field assignments ("Its a little bit like James Bond." Lily laughs and James is very confused) and they do, and together they are magnificent.

Together, they are beautiful.

James is a skilled soldier and he doesn't hesitate to strike, shooting stunning spells and hasty hexes in every direction. He doesn't kill, though. Neither does Lily. That is one thing they've agreed on. They will not let this war turn them into murderers.

This rule gets them into trouble one day, as all rules do, and it happens to be the day of Remus' birthday so they're hurrying, petrifying the Death Eaters as quickly as possible so they can reach Remus before the sun goes down.

"Is that the last one?" Lily calls as another Death Eater falls to the ground, stiff as a board. James grips his wand a little tighter and glances around.

"I think so. We're not being attacked anymore, are we?"

"Fair enough," Lily concedes and prods the pile of Death Eaters with her foot. "C'mon, Potter. We'll be late." She slips her arm through his and just as they are preparing to apparate, she feels something sharp and smooth slice into her shoulder.

"Ow." Is all she has time to say before she collapses against James, her breath already becoming long and ragged.

"Cru-"

"Get the fuck away from my girlfriend!" James is yelling, shouting, and Lily can vaguely see pretty green and red lights exploding in the sky. Blood pours down her top and she's a little annoyed because she had this dry cleaned specially and she can't think properly because pain, pain, pain is engulfing her body- her shoulder is on fire and suddenly somebody's yelling "Avada Kedavra!" And a body flies back into the air and she can't tell who it is and she's terrified, horror-struck, hysterical that James Potter has been killed and she never even got to say goodbye-

"Lily?" Someone says and James face pops into view and her breath relaxes just a little because he's not dead, he's here with her, they're safe- and then her shoulder spasms again and she lets out a piercing scream.

"Lily? Lily! Fuck, fuck, fuck- Lils, it's gonna be okay, d'you hear me? I'm gonna get you to St Mungo's, please Lily, don't die, don't die."

"Marry me." She mumbles before she slips into darkness and James vanishes from view.

She wakes alone, tucked in between crisp, cool sheets, her shoulder aching something awful. She peers at it and winces at the half healed cut, wide and deep, ranging from her neck to almost halfway down her back.

"Lily!"

Glancing up wildly, Lily sees Sirius striding towards her, looking tired and tousled but with an expression of pure relief on his face.

"Oh, thank God, you're alright," he sighs when he reaches her, a cup of coffee and a muffin in hand. "This was supposed to be my lunch but I think you deserve it more than me." He hands her the food and drink and Lily wolfs it down hungrily, pausing only to say three different thank yous and to wipe her fingers.

"It's James you should be thanking," Sirius says and his face is suddenly solemn (he looks weird without a trademark grin on his face). "He saved your life. Brought you into St Mungo's, unconscious and dripping blood. I heard you gave the Healers quite the fright."

"Where is James?" Lily asks; she'd have thought he'd have been here to see her wake up. Sirius suppresses a knowing a smile.

"He's out shopping."

"Why on earth didn't you kill them?" Professor McGonagall demands, swooping down on a defiant looking James like a vulture. "This is a war and not the time to be merciful!"

Lily glances away and pulls at her itchy hospital gown, red hot shame flooding her cheeks. She's worked so hard to prove herself and now it's all going to be taken away just because she was naive enough to want to give people a second chance.

"I don't want to become a killer just for the sake of it, thank you very much," James retorts, though there is still the edge of respect in his voice. "We've already got You-Know-Who out there murdering anyone who's anywhere and anyway, I thought we were supposed to be the good guys."

Professor McGonagall presses her lips together.

"We all have to make sacrifices sometimes, Potter. It's time you learned that. As for you, Miss Evans, are you quite recovered now?"

"Yes," Lily says and flushes again guiltily. "I'm really sorry, Professor- we didn't mean to-"

"You are children," Professor McGonagall says quietly and Lily is shocked to see tears glisten in her eyes. "Albus should have never allowed children to join this war."

"We perfectly capable, I promise-" James starts but McGonagall cuts him off.

"It is not a question of wether you are capable. It is a question of wether or not we have the right to steal away the lives of the young."

"I guess we're not in the Order anymore, then?" Lily says and horrible, awful shame rushes through her. Professor McGonagall stares at her.

"Don't be ridiculous, Miss Evans. The Order isn't about to get rid of their finest fighters, are they?" She turns to leave but just before she does, she spins back round, wearing an expression which can only be described as pride.

"I am proud of both you, despite the what I may say otherwise." And then she's gone and Lily thinks that this is possibly the highest praise she's ever received.

Dragging a bag of shopping behind him, James makes his way over to her bed and kisses Lily's forehead, asks how she's feeling.

"I'm fine," She says and smiles. "But according to a certain Mr Black, I have you to thank for still being alive."

James shrugs but looks pleased.

"You were going to die."

"Well, thank God I didn't. I haven't finished with you yet, Potter."

"About that," James says and digs into his bag of shopping. "Do you remember what you said before you blacked out?"

"I think so," Lily says, screwing up her forehead. "I asked-"

"You asked if I'd marry you," James tells her, opening a black box to reveal a ring. "And I'm saying yes."

"Oh, God." Lily says and swallows and it's all her dreams coming true; she can imagine waking up next to this man for the rest of her life, him cooking breakfast and her cooking lunch and both getting takeout for dinner, fighting together till the end of their days- him, her, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene, Alice, Dorcas, Mary - together.

They can be so beautiful together.

The wedding takes place on a rainy day in mid April and Lily's mascara runs and James hair is flattened and everyone crams, dripping wet, into the church, laughing and cheering as the couple say their vows.

The sun comes out just for the wedding photograph and Lily thinks it must be a sign for all the good things to come.

But then the good things go away and it's time for the monsters straight out of nightmares to reign.

James screams sometimes in his sleep and it's all Lily can do to wake him up before he starts thrashing around, wailing and groaning.

"You've got to tell me what's wrong," she says firmly one evening, as he looks at his feet. "I can't help unless you tell me."

"You sound like my mother." James says, grinning up at her from his chair but Lily frowns.

"Don't change the subject, Potter. What's wrong?" And to her utter astonishment and dismay, James starts crying, tears running down his face as he sobs, his breaths becoming shaky and heavy. She sits immediately beside him and wraps an arm around his shoulders, not knowing what to do because this is the first time that the high and mighty James Potter has ever cried in front of her.

"I killed someone, Lils," He says, his voice thick and gruff. "We promised that we wouldn't let this war change us but it has. I'm a murderer!"

"What do you mean?" Lily asks frantically, not sure wether she should call Sirius and see if he knows what to do.

"Last July. When you were attacked. I killed the Death Eater that cut your shoulder. I killed him!"

"You killed him to save me," Lily tells him, rubbing his back. "It was honourable."

"But he had a family!" James says. "A family who probably miss him and curse my name and-"

"James Potter," Lily says as firmly as she can, taking his tear stained face in her hands. "Death Eaters are evil. They kill people like us. You killed him so he wouldn't kill innocents. You saved me. And I will forever be grateful for that." She touches the ring on her left hand. "I love you, remember?"

James nods but doesn't say anything and leans his head into her shoulder and the pair of them just sit like that for a while, watching the world fall apart outside their four walled house where everything is a little too normal.

They don't mention it again.

The fighting grows steadily worse. More Muggles are discovered dead every day and almost every Muggle-born has gone into hiding with their family. The air is thick with terror and despair and misery and at the end of the day, Lily is glad she has James to hold her hand when the nights are dark.

Now, the war is certainly not what she expected.

Maybe she was naive like the first set of soldiers from World War One who thought the war was going to be over by Christmas. Maybe she's just stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid for believing that goodness could ever exist in a world where innocent people are tortured for recreation.

Sometimes she remembers the night at Hogwarts so long ago (it's only been two years) when James told her that they'd stop the world from falling apart and now she laughs in bitter irony because the world already broke a long time ago and, if anything, it's her who's slowly breaking away on the inside.

They stay strong, for each other more than for themselves, and they keep up their steady steam of banter to make everything seem a little more normal because Lily doesn't think she remembers the last time she saw real sunlight.

James usually manages to cheer her up and, for all his faults, he's sometimes the only one who can make her laugh at the end of a day filled with death and decay and flashes of green light.

The day before her nineteenth birthday, James wakes her up early with breakfast in bed and announces that they are going to have a pyjama day. He sets a box of dusty old video tapes on the bed and grins, looking ever so pleased with himself as she devours her scrambled egg.

God, she loves him.

They spend the day on the sofa, sipping hot chocolate and watching all the old Disney classics that James has never seen before.

Lily cries at Bambi and vows to never let her child grow up without a mother.

On the day of her nineteenth birthday, James makes her a truly awful cake and produces a shop bought one that he bought as back up and surprises her with a copy of The Rescuers which she hasn't yet had a chance to watch.

To pay him back, on his birthday, Lily organises a huge party with Sirius and bakes an actual cake which isn't burnt and sticks a single post it note above his side of the bed which simply reads 'I love you'.

He kisses her twice and whirls her around and the two of them spend the evening dancing barefoot in the kitchen to an imaginary song.

Despite having fought in the Order for almost two years, Lily herself has never actually even seen Voldemort, only heard stories designed to scare younger children and freak even some of the most stoic of adults out.

She thinks of this as small mercy and so of course the next mission she receives is to infiltrate Voldemort's inner circle. This should be considered a great honour as it demonstrates how much the Order trusts her, but all Lily can hear as she is offered the task is the pounding of her heart in her ears, the roaring of the blood in her veins, the feeling of her breath on her skin.

She accepts.

And it's she, James, Sirius, and Remus who have to carry out the job (not Peter, he's so unreliable; he's always been disappearing lately) and it's with great trepidation that the quartet set off for what is possibly their most dangerous mission yet.

They've been set up. Lily knows this the moment that they apparate into the clearing and a group of Death Eaters surround them, leering, sneering at the group who have walked so easily into their clutches.

"Well," says a voice, so high and so cold that Lily shivers and grasps James' hand beside her. She's trembling all over and she doesn't think she remembers ever being so scared before in her entire life.

"Look what we have here. The Potters, Mr Black- I knew your brother but of course you already know that-"

Sirius bares his teeth and clenches his fists.

"-and, forgive me if I'm wrong, Mr Lupin, I believe."

Remus looks straight ahead, not making eye contact with anybody.

"So these are the heroes Dumbledore so bravely sends into our midsts. A couple of mousy teenagers, so fresh out of their schooling years."

"Don't mock us." Sirius says and Lily wonders how on Earth his voice sounds so calm. Voldemort chuckles softly and Lily tightens her hold on her wand under her robes, wondering why they haven't been disarmed yet.

"I am certainly not mocking you, Mr Black. If Dumbledore thinks this much of you, to send you right to me, then you are very high in my esteem, I assure you. Expelliarmus!"

Four wands sail through the air and land in Voldemort's outstretched hand. The Death Eaters circling the quartet laugh. Beside her, James squeezes Lily's hand.

"Why did you steal our wands, then?" Sirius demands and he has never sounded more like a Pureblood. Next to him, Remus moans something that sounds like 'shut up.'

"I have a proposition for you all," Voldemort says, ignoring Sirius and staring straight at them. "I wish for you to join my ranks as Death Eaters."

"You what?" James says and Lily winces at the disrespect in his voice. She has no wish to bow down to the cruel man in front of her but arguing back when he is surrounded by his servants will get them nothing but trouble.

"Mr Potter, you are not deaf and I know perfectly well that you understood what I was saying. I've heard reports from my Death Eaters about you four- with you at my side we can be victorious."

"Shame Pete's not here," Sirius mutters shrewdly. "I bet he wouldn't get offered a Death Eater position. He's a bloody awful fighter."

"You are referring to Mr Pettigrew, I believe?" Voldemort says and there's a nasty look in his eyes that Lily doesn't like. "Or Wormtail, as most of you call him."

Sirius flinches as though he's been slapped.

"How- how do you know that?" He wavers, just for a moment, and Lily remembers that they're nineteen.

"Do you accept my offer?" Voldemort says, changing the subject and twirling his wand between his long fingers. "I do not have all day."

"No," Lily says, finally finding her voice. "We do not."

Behind her, Remus moans a little more.

"Mrs Potter, Lily- can I call you Lily?-"

"No, you fucking can't." James mutters under his breath but nobody seems to hear him.

"-it would be foolish of you to decline my offer. After all, you are outnumbered almost five to one."

"We can take you," Sirius says bravely, albeit a little naively. "If you give us our wands back."

"Now, why would I do that, Mr Black? Perhaps," Voldemort's eyes grow manic. "Perhaps you need a little persuasion." Before anybody can react, his wand is pointing at Lily's chest and he's shrieking 'crucio!' over and over.

Lily falls to the ground as though she's on fire, her bones crumbling inside of her, her veins collapsing- she's dying and she's screaming- above her she vaguely hears the cries of her friends, yelling her name and trying to stop all this. Someone tries to touch her, wether friend or foe she's not sure, so she rolls away, her hair getting tangled in the grass, her vision becoming blurry, everything fading-

And then it stops.

The curse is lifted and Lily is being helped to her feet by Remus and Sirius, both of whom looking angrier than she's ever seen them. James has dived at Voldemort's legs, trying to knock him over, and is currently being restrained by several Death Eaters and Lily's genuinely terrified by the expression on her husband's face. He looks ready to kill again- again, she thinks in horror.

"Lily, Lily, are you okay?" Remus asks as he pulls grass from her hair with shaking fingers. She can't answer, only leans into his shoulder and prays for a miracle.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Sirius is shouting, looking ballistic as he waves his arms around. "You're twisted!"

"I will take that as a compliment, Mr Black." Voldemort says and smirks, raising his wand a little. Lily shrinks back on impact. Her heart is pounding faster than ever before; this is no joke- they're probably all going to die and she's not even twenty yet.

James is struggling against the Death Eaters but they seem intent on not letting him go and, peering closer, Lily realises that some sort of silencing charm has been used on him as he opens his mouth but doesn't speak.

"My offer is still open if you wish to take it." Voldemort says, his eyes gleaming maliciously.

"Go rot in hell!" Sirius spits viciously and Lily closes her eyes, he's going to get them all killed and she's right.

"Well, then, I have no use for you," Voldemort says with an eerie smile, pointing his wand at Lily. "Mudbloods first, I suppose. Avada-"

"No!" Sirius cries and jumps, not forwards but sideways into a clump of Death Eaters, momentarily distracting Voldemort. They tumble like dominos and Sirius goes down with them, pummelling with his bare fists at every bit of flesh he can see. Remus seems to sense the plan and barrels into the Death Eaters holding James; he is released and bounds towards Lily, shaking her shoulders, kissing her but she knows what she has to do and together the couple share a nod before Lily lunges for the wands still stored in Voldemort's left hand and James dives again at the man's legs, knocking him off balance with a cry of fury. Spells fly through the air at an alarming pace and Lily scrambles for her wand, casting an unnoticed Patronus which gallops off into the sky and is soon gone.

She smiles and a faint feeling of hope settles upon her.

"Silence!" Voldemort shrieks and as Lily looks over her shoulder, she sees Sirius falling stunned to the floor and Remus being pinned down under several Death Eaters. The remaining followers surround Lily and James and snatch the wand from her hand. It was a long shot, she thinks, the stupid plan that Sirius dreamt up, but at least they're going to die fighting for something they believe.

"You're fools, the lot of you," Voldemort says in disgust, his tone not so calm and not so mocking. "Like a few blood traitors, a filthy mudblood and a mangy werewolf could ever take Lord Voldemort down."

For the third time, Lily finds the wand being thrust at her. She thinks that this is the point where her life is supposed to flash before her eyes and a calmness is supposed to settle over her but all she sees is James' terrified eyes and a horrible, awful feeling of dread rushing down her spine.

"Goodbye, Mrs Potter. I shouldn't worry, your pathetic husband and his friends will be joining you soon. Avada-"

For the second time, he is disrupted by a whooshing noise above him and Lily takes advantage of the situation by knocking James and herself to the ground, out of the way of the killing curse which whizzes mere millimetres over their heads and hits the tree behind them, causing it to blacken and curl in on itself.

A group of Order members descend from the sky, including Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, Alice and Frank, and even Dumbledore; all on broomsticks and clutching wands with murderous rages in their eyes. There's a split second when time seems to freeze and the Death Eaters lock eyes with the Order and then the demons are released and all hell breaks loose. Dumbledore heads straight for Voldemort and the two of begin to duel, away from everyone else and the red lights of the stunning spells flying through the air. Alice and Frank run over to Lily and James and break through the wall of Death Eaters, handing them replacement wands and asking them over and over if they're okay.

Alice hugs Lily, right in the middle of battle, a killing curse missing them by inches and Lily feels a tiny bit better. She kisses James and the pair of them join the fray, dodging curses and shooting hexes and soon Lily can't see anything except the flick of her own hair.

She's beautiful.

So is he.

Miraculously, nobody is seriously hurt and everyone manages to apparate back safely, after Voldemort fled in the midst of the duel with Dumbledore. Lily's still shaking all over and people are constantly surrounding her, offering her water, food, comfort. She sticks close to James, her hand clasping his tightly and both of them are just thankful that they all made it out of there alive.

"There's a traitor amongst us," James says furiously. "We walked straight into a trap."

Everybody looks grave and solemn and nobody answers James' unspoken question.

Which one of you is it? Who betrayed us?

Nobody notices little Peter Pettigrew sweating in the corner.

It's the middle of November when Lily first discovers that she's pregnant.

She expects the world to stop. She wants the bad side to lay down their weapons and stop fighting so that she can properly protect her child and she thinks that a war zone is not the right place to raise any baby but it is what it is and maybe wishing and praying and hoping will be enough to get them through this.

She resigns from the Order within a month of discovering her pregnancy and tried not to feel as useless as she did when she was seventeen.

As it happens, the last ever mission she undertakes for the Order is a small stakeout outside a Muggle pub, where Dumbledore suspects that illegal wizarding items are being sold to unsuspecting Muggles and half-bloods. Sure enough, one Death Eater (and only one) emerges from the entrance a few hours after her shift starts, holding a heavy bag of sickles in his greedy fingers. Thump. Lily stuns him, quick as that (she still hasn't killed), turns round and apparates back to the headquarters to tell them that their prisoner is waiting. It's awfully, incredibly, horribly boring but her hands still shake from the cruciatus curse and maybe boring is just what she needs right now.

They need to go into hiding, that's what Dumbledore is saying, and Lily doesn't understand, doesn't understand why she and James can't hole away in the headquarters until the baby is born (Harry, they've decided for a boy. If it's a girl, Azalea.) But Dumbledore says it's necessary and before they know it, they're sipping tea in their living room, listening in horror as Dumbledore details the prophecy made which predicts the future of their child. Their baby, their Harry (Lily's almost certain that it's a boy. James stubbornly thinks that it's a girl), their everything will either be everyone's saviour or he will die trying and Lily can't help thinking that it is a great responsibility for someone who has not even been born yet.

Her hand wraps around her stomach and stays there for a long time, long after Dumbledore has risen gravely and left.

They love each other and Harry (Lily told James that it was a boy) and, for a moment, it's enough. Harry is two months old and Lily still can't believe that people have allowed them to be parents. They're twenty, barely out of childhood themselves and they've been trusted - blessed - with this tiny little boy who has James' hair and Lily's eyes and his own innocent blink and perhaps he is the best pieces of all of them put together.

Sirius is infatuated by Harry and spends hours making pink and blue sparks appear above his cot; they are inseparable. It seems that he lives to make his godson smile.

Remus is more wary, holding Harry as though he were china that could break at any moment, but there is a real grin on his face as he holds the baby for the first time.

Peter won't even come near Harry but James just says that he's not used to little kids and he'll get over it soon. Lily thinks otherwise, especially when Peter takes one look at Harry, sees his eyes (Lily's eyes) and his hair (James' hair) and promptly bursts into tears.

She wonders if maybe he had a bad childhood.

Next month, it is wide spread knowledge that Voldemort is searching for a boy with Lily Potter's eyes and James Potter's hair and the traitor has struck again.

It's gotten worse. Nobody trusts anybody anymore and every morning when she wakes up, she and James have to ask each other safety questions, just in case. Nobody can work out who the betrayer is- it seems impossible that it could be anybody in the Order (Lily trusts them all) but it must be (how else does Voldemort know all he does?)

This is his plan, she thinks bitterly, cradling Harry close to her chest and brushing dark messy hair off his forehead. He wants them divided, wants them to hate each other, wants to see the fear in their eyes as he kills them.

They can't even trust Remus now. Or Marlene. Or even Frank and dear sweet Alice. The only people Lily trusts these days are James, Sirius, and Dumbledore and sometimes even this is stretched to breaking point. She thinks, looking round at them, staring at them, wondering if at this very moment they are plotting how and when to kill her son.

She sleeps in Harry's room that night and holds him close.

This is not what she signed up for when she was seventeen.

She imagined furious battles with no real danger and long lie ins with James in the mornings and saving the world in a matter of months and now, here she is, hiding in a cottage with James' ring on her finger and their baby son she wants more than anything to protect.

She cries at night, when she thinks James isn't listening. One evening, when news of Dorcas' death reaches her and the darkness seems to suffocate her because Dorcas was her friend, her friend, her friend, Lily steals in to the bathroom and sits on the closed toilet, hugging her knees to her chest as hot, salty tears run down her cheeks. She's been in there for two minutes when the door clicks open and James' silhouette stands illuminated against the harsh glow of the bathroom.

"You first told me that you loved me at the end of seventh year by the lake, just before we got on train for summer." He says before Lily can ask the security question and he sinks beside her, wrapping his arms around her and she leans into his shirt, sobbing and sobbing until no more tears come.

She is reminded of that night in the kitchen with him long ago.

Harry grows and life moves on and, each morning, Lily allows herself to believe that Voldemort will give up searching and the trio can return to some state of normalcy and start rebuilding the wreck that is their life. It's a false comfort but she clings to it like a rope because believing that there could come a time where Harry can be safe is something that comes straight from a fantasy.

They move Harry's cot into their room just to try and be closer to him.

Voldemort doesn't give up. If anything, he becomes angrier with each passing month as he fails to find the Potters. That's what Sirius tells them in his weekly visit, his once handsome face now withdrawn and tired. Lily looks but she cannot see a trace of the cocksure, confident boy who stood up to Voldemort when they were just nineteen.

It seems such a long time ago.

Each time someone she knows dies, a piece inside of her breaks off and she thinks that the inside of her body is like a jigsaw puzzle, just waiting for someone to come and piece her back together again because she's falling and flaking away. Her friends start dying slowly and then suddenly they are all dropping at an alarming rate, faster than the blink of an eye. Dorcas. Mary. Benjy. Gideon. Fabian. Marlene. Marlene. Marlene-

And suddenly her best friend is just gone and it seems so strange that she's never again going to see McKinnon's smile or hear her voice and so Lily just sits at the table and sobs over a cup of tea for an hour.

James makes pizza for tea and they watch Dumbo but Lily cries the whole way through and, in the end, James switches it off and puts his arm round her and she can see that he's trying not to cry too and the pair of them just sit there, staring at the wall, for hours.

There's not many people left in the Order anymore, that's what Sirius says. So many people are dead- he winces -and the Death Eaters outnumber them twenty to one now. He looks defeated, that's what Lily thinks, so she swats his arm, makes him a cup of tea and the three of them spend a rare happy afternoon playing games, watching movies, and just revelling in the joys of being alive.

Harry is a year old now and in a morbid, macabre kind of way, she's almost surprised that they've lasted this long.

What with Voldemort hunting them like his prey and the unknown traitor lurking in the shadows of the Order, it's a miracle You-Know-Who hasn't found them yet, but Lily knows already that she, Harry, and James cannot live like this forever.

The attacks grow worse. More Muggle-borns are dead, more Muggle families are being found slaughtered and there is a chilling murder in which a muggle couple (the girl has red hair and green eyes and the boy has black curls and hazel irises) are killed and their lifeless bodies are strung up outside their house with a single message. Give us the Potters.

James keeps his hand on his wand the rest of the week and Lily keeps thinking that she hears someone following her.

And, at the end of the day, they know that it's their fault, their fault, their fault that all of these murders are being committed.

They can only hope that it will turn out not to be in vain.

The next time Dumbledore visits, he demands that they let him cast a Fidelius charm. He says it will help keep them safe, that they can make him Secret Keeper and Voldemort will never find them.

"No," James says firmly and looks at Lily. "Let's make Sirius Secret Keeper."

Lily agrees fervently- she hates to admit it but she trusts Sirius Black much more than Albus Dumbledore -but Padfoot seems unsure about this plan when they tell him the next day.

"I think Pete should be," he says simply and shrugs when James and Lily turn to him. "I mean, me and Dumbledore are pretty obvious, aren't we? Nobody's gonna suspect Wormtail."

He makes a good point and, two days later, small and short Peter Pettigrew is made the Potter's Secret Keeper.

A week later, it's Harry's second Halloween and James dresses up in a white sheet with holes cut through it and jumps out from behind the door at Lily, causing her to scream and send a stunning spell his way which he just barely dodges. ('You're lucky it didn't hit you," she grumbles, poking his arm playfully. "I'd have probably left you there if it had.")

Harry giggles and claps his hands and the three Potters spend a happy day building towers and castles with Harry's building blocks, smiling and laughing and just holding one another close.

Lily takes Harry from James at around seven o clock to get him into bed and James kisses Harry's forehead and Lily's lips and then she leaves, her long red heir hanging down her back like a scarlet train of blood.

Neither see the figure slowly creeping up the path outside.

Lily's upstairs when she hears the commotion. The sound of a door being blasted open downstairs makes her freeze, her nails accidentally digging into Harry's arms.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off-"

A high, cold laughter fills every crevice of Lily's mind and she screams, knowing what's coming, knowing that her husband is going to die-

"Avada Kedavra!"

James is dead. That's all that registers as she shoves boxes frantically against the door, filled with all the stuff that is meaningless to her now. She's exhausted, terrified, and lonely and all she wants to do is go far far away from here but she can't because she's got Harry- beautiful, brave Harry who hasn't made as much a whimper and stares up at her with her eyes and James' hair and she wants to cry but she can't.

This isn't what she signed up for when she turned seventeen.

Footsteps echo up the stairs and Lily's desperately grabbing belongings, wondering if she has enough time to disapparate before he catches her- it's like every awful nightmare she's ever had rolled into one - and then the boxes tumble down like the building blocks they knocked over earlier (their last act as a family) and he's there, in her bedroom, the man of her nightmares, looking as manic as the last time she saw him two years ago.

Harry blinks at her and Lily looks down at her son, her son, her son and she wants to kiss him, hold him in her arms and tell him how much she and daddy love him but there isn't time so she drops Harry into his cot and spreads her arms out wide, protecting him to her last breath because she's his mother and that's what mothers' do for the ones they love.

"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!" She's gabbling, pleading with Voldemort: he can't take her son away from her, not when he's stolen her husband and so many others. Not when Harry's barely had a chance at life.

"Stand aside, you silly girl...stand aside, now..." The red eyes bore into her but she stands her ground, she's the only thing preventing her son from being murdered.

So much for being the Secret Keeper, Pete.

"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead-" she looks at Voldemort, the murderer of her husband and so many others and begs him to take up his threat of long ago when she was nineteen and James was still alive and Harry was but a twinkle in her eye but he grips his wand tighter and advances closer.

"This is my last warning-" he's so close he could touch Harry now if he tried but she doesn't flinch- she's not the same schoolgirl he tortured two years ago.

"Not Harry! Please...have mercy...have mercy...Not Harry! Not Harry! Please - I'll do anything-"

"Stand aside - stand aside, girl!" He's more agitated than the last time she heard him speak and he raises his wand, pointing it straight at her and memories resurface- Voldemort thrusting his wand straight at her chest when she was nineteen; her and James' wedding with love and laughter in the air; Harry, James, and Lily watching Pinocchio and eating jam tarts- anything, her eyes whisper and then the light leaves her irises and she collapses to the floor, her hair pooling around her head like a grisly circle of blood.

Across the room, the tattered post-it note still reading 'I love you' in smudged letters flutters to the ground.

The final remaining tower of building blocks in the living room buckles and falls.

The bodies lie so far away from each other, his hair and her eyes merging together to create a baby who wails for his parents who will never come.

They could've been so beautiful together.

So, I think I've found my calling: angsty Jily fics which make everybody (including me) cry because oh the feels.

I apologise profusely for the length. If you have made it all the way down here without skipping any parts, you deserve a hug. Or a cookie. Unfortunately, I cannot give you either of those things so you'll just have to be content in the knowledge that you deserve them.

This story is supposed to be a parallel to my other Jily fic, The Sun and Sky. Whilst that glorified James and Lily and their time in the Order, this was more gritty and real and touched on events not mentioned in my other story.

I'm crossing my fingers that this story is clear and makes sense but if you see any grammatical/spelling/factual errors, please do point them out me. If any part is confusing, you can PM me and I'll do my best to explain.

As always, I hope you enjoy my story and please feel free to leave a review- it would make my day!

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