Mother's Day

Rated: T

Story Summary: Ash never was sure she would ever be a mom and now with Johnny as her husband, having kids naturally isn't even an option…but luckily, Ash was never one for convention.

I didn't plan this at all - it basically just happened over a few days writing off and on. And hey, I actually got it done before Mother's Day (which is a feat in itself). XD So, while it's still choppy and not perfect in any way, I'm happy with how it came out and truthfully, I always wanted to do a story like this ad what better time than before Mother's Day?

Hope y'all enjoy, and if you're blessed to be a mom, Happy Mother's Day to you!

It hit Ash approximately five years after her and Johnny gave their "I do's".

Around the same time in which she'd celebrated her 30th birthday bash three months prior.

It wasn't anything gradual that she could remember - only now. One single moment as she laid in bed next to her husband when she was hit with what she can only describe as utter panic and veracious guilt.

Ash, a celebrity musician and singer (like said husband), platinum recording artist who travelled and toured all over the world to sold-out stadiums packed with screaming fans. Now, a newly thirty-year-old porcupine with the greatest life she could never even have imagined having…and she just had a fucking panic attack.

Over what you may ask?

In all truth, she hardly knew herself. As she lay in her bed, chest rising and falling rapidly as she tried to control her frantic breathing as to not wake her husband sleeping just a hair's breadth away, she closed her eyes.

A dream - more real than she cared to admit.

The image of a small gorilla with icy blue eyes matching hers. It would merely be a strange dream unless you understood the circumstances. For what woman didn't dream about future children after being married for half a decade? Normal animals did it all the time, but with her and Johnny…it was…different.

…So why was it bothering her so much?! The dream should have been a happy one!

Yet, as she laid there, breathing shallow and throat clogging with emotion, Ash was thrown for a loop. Not knowing if her sadness was because her period was in less than a week and her hormones were beginning to go out of whack, but tears built before she could have time to stop them. Clenching the sheets and biting her bottom lip to keep from letting out a sob that would definitely wake up Johnny and have him tending to her.

For some reason, she wanted to be alone even if it wasn't wise. So she kept quiet, telling herself that this was nothing - merely frantic nerves and fluttering emotions caused by pre-period hormones.

Nothing more.

Hell, even if she woke him up, she could picture her ranting and raving for no apparent reason before realizing the whole damn thing was foolish and being left with the intense feeling of shame for waking him up for something as trivial as a fucking dream.

This was nothing…right?

But as she laid there staring at the tall ceiling above, even she had to admit that well…for quite a while now, she felt something was missing in her life - stupid as that sounds.

Ash had the perfect life in every sense. Married to her best friend, an incredible career that paid amazingly well, huge house, awesome fans, and the truest friends anyone could ask for in her theater group. It was a charmed life so there should be no way in hell she was missing anything…but then it hit.

Perhaps hitting the big 3-0 admittedly affected her more than she thought.

Looking in the mirror and seeing a woman and not the rebellious teenager she once was. Although she retained her devil-may-care attitude, dark sense of humor and punk fashion sense, there was a firm set to her mouth and wisdom in her eyes that had not been there 10 years earlier.

That veil of naivety and the newness in the music industry had been stripped away; grimed her features and made her appreciate life more. A career that was not as glamorous as the magazines and interviews would make it seem. Sure, it made sense for all the public saw (or cared about) was the song on the radio, music video or concert - not the headaches, countless sleepless nights and seemingly endless months (and sometimes years) of hard work to even make a decent album.

In the end, the work did pay off but right now, it wasn't the job that was currently causing this sleepless night for her.

Reluctantly as she was to admit it - she was thirty now - her Johnny turning 31 this past October…and let's face it, neither of them were getting any younger. They were getting older and their lives steadier and careers at a comfortable plateau, it began to bring up a lot of questions. But the most prevalent was having her confront one blaring question…

What about kids?

A single glance over at her blissfully sleeping husband told her what she already knew.

Johnny and her could never conceive them naturally - not for lack of trying, she thought with a smirk. As compatible and perfect together they were as a couple, their DNA didn't seem to agree. So actually getting pregnant for her was never an option for her and Johnny and for some reason unbeknownst to her, it quietly began to bother her more and more lately.

Perhaps it was noticing how Johnny's eyes lingered on families with new babies and young children. His eyes crinkling at the edges, a huge smile lifting his lips and there was this look in his eyes - an flash of longing or remembrance of his own childhood, she wasn't sure. Whatever it was, it was always as gone as fast as it came and he went right back to his old self.

That, and…well, he'd always been so good with kids.

'Uncle Johnny' was a name Rosita's kids so lovingly coined; always hanging off of him whenever they visited the theater or the group went to visit Rosita at her home. Hell, even Mike's kids (tiny as they are) were never afraid of the towering gorilla. It seemed wherever they went, kids always took a shine to her gentle giant and as much as she really never thought too highly of the loud, highly-active germ factories, it always made her heart warm seeing how good he was with them.

Seeing how he would scoop up Rosita's youngest kids and tickle them mercilessly; their laughter echoing in the room. Ash wouldn't lie, she sometimes pictured him doing that to their own kid's someday…before that thought was shattered just as soon as it came.

Ash suddenly found her throat closing up again; tears building painfully behind tightly closed lids as it hit her. Damn near broke her heart…because she could never give that to him.

A man who gave her absolutely everything, including all of his firsts, and she could never, ever give him children.

"...Ash?" Johnny's sleepy voice broke through her reverie and she found her eyes opening and glancing to her right where he had turned on his side to gaze down at her. "Are you alright? You looked like you were in pain." his hand was suddenly cupping her face and that was all it took for the dam to break.

With no rhyme or reason, Ash screamed; it was either that or sob uncontrollably. She still felt as if she made the right choice.

"Bloody hell! W-What's wrong!? Ash!? Are you alright?" Johnny tended to curse when he was freaked out and Ash couldn't help the chuckle from escaping. He just looked too damn cute as he jumped to a seated position; reaching to turn on the bedside lamp before turning his attention back to her.

"Oh, nothing, Johnny… Just, that I'm a terrible wife."

"...W-Wait, what?" he stuttered, still obviously half-asleep.

"I'm a terrible wife."

"...No you're not." it was so genuine, she was certain she may cry anyway.

"Yes, I am."

"My God...what are ya sayin', Ash?" Johnny asked, the tenseness in his shoulders deflating as he scooted closer to her. Leaning down to rest against her; fuzzy jaw brushing against her cheek; warm breath cascading over her neck as he held her close.

"I am a terrible wife." she reiterated for the third time.

"No. You're not Ash… Why are you even saying that anyway? You're being utterly ridiculous."

"Alright! Fine! I-I just feel horrible!"

"Oh no. A-Are you sick? I could take you to the doctor."

"No!"

"Okay. Then...why? Why do you feel horrible, Ash? It's not normally like you to be like this... What's wrong?"

Ash bit her lip. Wanting desperately to lie and hope against everything that he'd buy some lie she conjured up but after more than a decade of knowing her, that was damn near impossible. Why did he have to be so amazing as to even wake up even when she didn't make a peep and her eyes were closed? It was like he knew she was in quiet turmoil and he woke up anyway.

She really didn't deserve him…

"...Do you really want to know?" she asked instead. If he wanted to hear the crazed rantings of a pre-period porcupine, he better be fucking ready.

"Yes, Love. I really do."

"I can't make you a dad…" she whispered pathetically, swallowing a thick lump in her throat before she dared to even glance at him. A look of confusion obvious on his face that she quelled with, "…I-I can't give you kids." she admitted angrily, her tiny fists pulling at the comforter all while Johnny looked on in confusion before it transformed into a look Ash had never seen on his face before.

"Ash." Johnny breathed. Reclining to his elbows to be eye-level with his bride.

"..." throat tight and heart frantically thumping against her ribcage, she stayed quiet.

"Ash…" he sighed, eyes leaving hers for only a moment as if to collect his thoughts. "Why are you thinking about this now?"

Ash shrugged, there was no good answer.

"I knew that when we met." his cheeks turned a brilliant pink flush, "I knew that when I fell in love with you - when we started dating and got married, I accepted it. I'm okay with it or else, we wouldn't be together, right?"

It seemed if shrugging was the only thing she could do now.

"Hey. If it's any consolation, I can't give you kids either. Takes two to make 'em." he chuckled, brushing a finger under her chin to lift her downcast face. All of a sudden, his lips were pressing against hers and she didn't bother stopping the small moan that escaped at his action.

"…Ash," he breathed against her lips, "I knew going ino our relationship that kids were never a possibility with us…and really, I'm okay with that. You're more than enough for me. I couldn't be happier."

"So you don't ever want kids?" she suddenly blurted out; cheeks flaring when she realized the words indeed left her mouth.

"...Do you?" was his calm reply.

Ash had no quick answer and the more the question hung unanswered in the air, the less certain it became in her own mind.

Did she?

Just because she had a dream about an adorable baby gorilla wasn't some sign she needed to have kids - hell, she never really questioned it at all ever since her disastrous relationship with Lance. Did one damn dream hold any weight to this or was it merely hormones talking?

In all honesty, Lance ruined the dream of kids for her what seemed like eons ago. The asshole forcing her to take birth control even after five years into their relationship and being so paranoid about her getting pregnant. Even when she would dare mention the possibility of them getting married or having kids one day, he would outright laugh and say "Heh. You're funny, babe."

Like the very inkling was an actual fucking joke to him.

Over the years, she stopped asking - thought that if she ever did get pregnant, he wouldn't want it or her. So, she kinda accepted that it wouldn't happen. Meeting than marrying Johnny had her not even bothering to think about it since their species were so different. Kids never crossed her mind til recently, so she didn't think about it…but now…

She wasn't so sure.

"...I don't know." she answered truthfully; peering up at him and not even bothering to hide the anxiety that had her paws clenching their blankets. "Do you?"

Johnny seemed unsure about answering her query; whether it be worried about bothering her with an answer she didn't want to hear or something else entirely, she wasn't sure. Mouth set in a firm line, brown eyes flicking over her face as if something in her expression would hold the answers he was looking for.

A moment passed in silence before he breathed out a soft, "…Yeah. I mean…maybe. I don't know. I never thought about it much - ya know, since you were my first - and last - girlfriend. I never entertained the idea because it simply wasn't possible."

"...yeah."

The couple grew silent; eyes averting to different vantage points and getting lost in the tranquility that had fallen between them. The words and conversation thick in the air above the two and neither felt like breaking it in fear of saying something wrong.

Ash was a jumble of emotions.

Hands loosened from the comforter as she chanced a look at her husband. In that moment, she allowed the dream she had to flit in her mind's eye; the cutest little gorilla with dark gray fur and icy blue eyes. A mix of her and Johnny - a child they could never have…or could they?

The hole that had been building since she blew out her thirtieth birthday candles - the joy of seeing Johnny interacting with the theater group's kids and knowing what an amazing daddy he would be…

No, she could never physically give him kids but that didn't necessarily mean they couldn't be parents.

"...What about adoption?" Johnny's voice rang out in the silence and Ash's eyes widened in surprise hearing those words falling from his mouth. The very ones flitting about her brain.

Johnny met her gaze steadily; his eyes warm and filled with genuine interest. A smile tilting his lips at the very inkling and Ash found herself returning it. Tears she didn't bother stopping in torrents down her cheeks as Johnny pulled her into his arms and kissed her breathless.

"...I love you." she mumbled against his lips before she pulled him on top of her.

The anxiety hadn't waned.

If anything, it only increased tenfold over the past six months after she confessed to Johnny and they both came to the conclusion that yes, they wanted children.

Six months of figuring out this whole adoption process - six damn months being on the phone with animals who barely spoke English and going through loophole after loophole to even get connected with the right contacts to make this adoption possible.

It was from the start Ash wanted to adopt a baby gorilla boy; one that needed love, home and attention. Johnny readily agreed and after months of searching, they found a small ad from Rwanda - an orphanage in a remote jungle taking in babies who had been abandoned in the war-torn region.

Upon reading it, her heart was instantly drawn to it and after six months since this trial began, her and Johnny were on the plane halfway across the world. Yet the panic remained for there was no guarantee with adoptions such as these; a lot of legality associated with adopting from another country but Ash wanted (needed) to try.

Johnny, her amazing, incredible husband, supported her 110%.

So after 18 hours aboard the aircraft, they walked out of the plane and into a charter bus. Hand in hand, her and Johnny headed toward the orphanage across town...

Neither knew exactly what, if anything, to expect…

Two weeks later, Ash sat tensely in her airplane seat.

Worry echoing in her chest at hearing the loud grumbles and squeaks coming out of such a tiny gorilla. He kept rubbing at his eyes with little gray fists and letting out these sad noises as he struggled against Johnny's firm but gentle hold.

"Is he okay?" Ash asked, voice shaking a bit as she reached out to gently pull his fists away from his face.

"He's fine, Love. Really. He's just tuckered out and perhaps a little anxious - it is his first plane ride after all." Johnny answered, sending her a loving glance.

"Oh… Well, are you sure? I-Is he still hungry?"

Johnny chuckled. "I think he ate plenty," he said, nodding toward the pile of wrappers and fruit cores on the tray table in front of their seats.

"Yeah…You're probably right."

Johnny smiled at her; his eyes crinkling a bit at the edges as he took a moment to lean down to nuzzle his cheek against hers. The intimate gesture had her anxiety wane for a moment - he always knew when she needed relief.

"You must be tuckered out too…mum." Johnny breathed against her face; his breath tickling her ear and disturbing her quills but it was his words that shot straight to her core.

Mom.

A word she never pictured herself being associated with. She didn't fancy herself to ever be the angry mother she had; the one hellbent on perfection and fiercely stern in her professional and personal life. Not even like Johnny's mother had been from what he told her; a kind-hearted soul who adored and cultured her son to love the arts and taught him to play piano and sung him to sleep.

But her - Ash.

A rebellious rocker that fell in love with a rebel in his own right - the two making a family of their own - as unconventional as it seemed. Never able to have kids of their own, they still found a way to make a family and she just hoped she could be a good mom to him…

The thought had her glancing down at the sleepy face of their new son.

One they so lovingly named Josh.

A nearly one year old abandoned gorilla who had stolen their hearts the very instance they saw him. It only intensified upon learning his tragic story being abandoned as a newborn. Left alone and could have easily succumbed to the elements had a kind old rhino not found him crying in the middle of the night. Life since being spent in an orphanage for no one would claim him. The only love the sweet boy ever got was whatever a nurse or orderly could spare with the other children - a mere 10 second hug or a quick kiss goodnight.

That was not nearly enough for a baby boy with so much love to give.

Ash recalled glancing over to the door and seeing him there peeking in the room. The wonder in his eyes as he slowly crawled up to them when they sat with the director talking over the logistics of it all. How he instantly latched to her and Johnny's legs and looked up at them with the most beautiful, bright green eyes. Heart shattering upon seeing his dusty, tattered clothes that he wore and yet he gave her the most precious, brightest smile that was worth more than anything the world could offer.

She didn't hear the director calling over a nurse to take him away or how she was apologizing in broken English, all she saw was him. His soft brown fur and sweet face looking at her with the most genuine smile and how he has held her skirt so tightly in his tiny fist as if he never wanted to let go. He didn't have dark gray fur or blue eyes, but it didn't matter…

From that moment, she knew this was her son.

Without hesitation, she reached out and cradled his sweet tiny face and Johnny, feeling the intense love for him too, picked up the small boy and placed him in his lap much to the child's squealing delight.

Against the director's wishes (and a rather unconventional adoption process) - he was theirs and they were taking him home regardless of what anyone else thought or said. Days turned to nearly two weeks of arguing with the orphanage and dealing with the U.S. Embassy to release him to them, it was all worth it now that he was in the airplane with them.

Now, it finally dawned on her that yeah…she was a mom.

"Yeah." Ash finally answered her husband, tilting her face to steal a kiss before she looked at the half-asleep tiny gorilla resting against Johnny's chest. Own arms itching to hold him, but knowing how wiggly he was just a half hour prior, she knew it wouldn't be a good idea.

"You should get some sleep, Darlin'." Johnny suggested, one hand leaving his newly adopted son for only a second to brush across his wife's tired face. "It's gonna be a long flight."

"I would…but I just can't get enough of him yet." she admitted, leaning into Johnny's hand for a split second before it was back to cradling their son.

Johnny chuckled, "Oh, you'll be getting plenty enough of him at home. Baby gorillas are a handful - believe me, my dad has some crazy stories to tell."

"I'd love to hear 'em sometime." Ash smirked and lightly giggled; picturing an energetic baby Johnny driving the massive Big Daddy out of his ever-loving mind.

"Ya will - and pretty soon, we'll have some stories of our own."

Ash glanced up, looking deep into her husband's eyes and seeing seemingly for the first time the exhaustion instilled deep on his face. Dark bags circling his warm brown eyes and the relief in the limp set of his shoulders. He was tired too, but it was a good tired - much like her own.

Whatever relief she felt at finally heading back home with their new child in tow, she knew that this wasn't going to be easy in any sense of the word.

Ash, if anything, was a hardcore realist. She wasn't exactly looking forward to the long nights and trying to figure out a schedule and from what Johnny told her, baby gorillas were notoriously active. With her diminutive size, she knew that was another obstacle there was to tackle.

Yet as she leaned forward to kiss Josh's face; his perfect, perfect sweet little face as he looked at her and smiled…

Ash knew it would all be worth it.