Transformation Chapter 18

"So how soon until we know…"

"What?"

"How soon until you know if last night had consequences…"

"I have to wait until I have my period…than I can do a blood test. Its more accurate that way"

"okay…"

"Fitz…what happens, is going to happen…but a baby…. a baby is a big deal…"

"I know…but we can deal with it…"

"You don't know that, neither do I…a baby would take all our attention. We are still trying to get to know each other. All that would be put on hold"

"I don't see it that way…I see it as a good thing…"

My mother should see this, the man thinks having a baby is a good thing and the woman doesn't…talk about role reversal…

It wasn't that she didn't want to have a baby. She would love to…but she wanted to be realistic about what it would do to their relationship.

"Babies need a lot of attention…plus its still really early in my career…I was hoping to have a little more time to grow into being a doctor before taking a step back to raise a family…"

"Who said you would have to take a step back? I would be around…"

"Even if…I wouldn't want to be working and miss all the things a mom is supposed to enjoy…"

She saw and physically felt his mood darken…

"Do you not want to have a baby with me?"

"What! No…it's just not a good time for this to happen"

He turned away from her

"Are you pulling back because of …my background. Who I was?"

No, I am not pulling back at all…and as far as your background Fitz…I don't really know much about it. It's just like I said, we are still getting to know each other…"

"I know everything I need to know about you…"

"No, you don't, I am a complex, complicated creature and you haven't even begun to scratch the surface…"

"I know the important stuff…"

"I know a lot of important stuff too, Fitz…but I need to know everything, even the so called not important stuff…" she walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder

"Fitz…I have so much I want to ask you. First being I know that you made a call to get Senator Fowler to turn his son in…who do you have to be to have that kind of clout? You were in the Navy, but stationed where? How high did you rise in the ranks? who are or were you that you could pull all the resources that you did to save me from Paul Fowler…"

She grabbed his shoulders and turned him around

"I know Fitz the gym owner. I love that guy to bits…but I glimpsed something else…and I think maybe I should be clued in to that guy too…"

"No, you shouldn't! That guy is dead, he doesn't exist anymore…" he said harshly

"Okay, I am glad to hear that…but can you answer any of my questions?"

He looked down at her his face a blank mask. It took her aback. Fitz's face was usually very expressive…she knew when he was happy, sad…aroused. Now she looked into eyes that held nothing, no emotion

"Liv…the things I did, the person I was; isn't something I can ever share with you. That's never going to happen…."

She took a deep breath, she had been expecting the answer but it was still a shock

"Why?" she asked softly

"…there is a myriad of reasons…I can't tell you the things I've done… but I can tell you that I was in NSWU – Navy Special Warfare Units…I know you talked to my dad and he told you that I wasn't in communication with him and my mom" he run a hand through his hair

"…I couldn't tell where the hell I was because half the time I didn't know where I was going…They don't tell you. It's the way they maintain operational security…or if you knew, you only knew part of the information…" he looked at her.

"Liv, I was very good at that…at what I did…which was good because it helped me stay alive…but bad because, I had to put away a part of my…humanity to do that job well. Even if I was allowed to sit here and tell you about it…I wouldn't cause there is no way you wouldn't look at me the same way after I did. I wouldn't be Fitz anymore…I'd be Djävulen…"

She sat quietly processing everything he said

"Liv…Liv are you having second thoughts about us, because of…that?"

"No, I am not…it just made me think that I didn't know everything I should know about you…We're supposed to be together and know everything about each other. That's what people in love do..."

"Everything I can tell you…I've told you"

"Have you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Fitz, there is a big chunk of your life that missing here, don't you think I should know something before we move into long term decisions like having a baby?!"

"I already told you…you know everything I can tell you! "he looked away

"The way I see it, Liv…you have a decision to make…you need to be able to live without fucking knowing or you walk away…simple as that"

He regretted it the instant he said it. No don't walk away! Never walk away!

They sat there silently while he prayed she would speak, say that she wasn't going to walk away…. she didn't…

She doesn't want to have a baby with me…because I used to be a monster…the fucking devil.

It was a title he had earned…

He needed to get out of the loft. He was feeling…he didn't know what he was feeling…but it wasn't good.

He didn't like the way Liv was looking at him. He always knew there would be karma for all the bad shit he had done…but this…

Djävulen was about to cost him the love of his life…it broke his heart

"Look I got to go into work, you okay by yourself?" He didn't wait for her to answer

He placed her gently on the couch beside him and stood up already headed for the door.

"Fitz…I"

"We'll talk later, Liv…. I love you"

The door closed firmly behind him.

"I love you too…"

"What?!"

"He said he couldn't talk about it…"

"Well of course he couldn't talk about it, what are you crazy?!"

Liv turned shocked. What was this? Ezra was taking Fitz's side?

"Are you kidding me with this shit?" he asked incredulously

"Ezra…"

"No really Liv, do you really need to know how many men Fitzgerald Grant has killed in service to his country?"

"I didn't say that…"

"…but you did Liv…you did!" Ezra said interrupting her

"What do you think this is some freaking Cinderella story…where you sit and cuddle and talk into the night telling each other your deepest darkest secrets? Grow up Liv this is real life!"

She flinched at the harsh tone, but Ezra kept on her

"Listen, I spent a significant amount of time with that man when you were abducted by that little asshole Paul. He walked into the Pentagon, like he had the deed to the place. Can you imagine the kind of shit he knows or he had done to still have that kind of power in a place where he doesn't even work anymore? My guess is he sacrificed a big chuck of himself to do that job"

Ezra wheeled over to her and pointed an accusatory finger

"…and then finally he extricates himself and becomes a regular member of society; something you can see he enjoys, probably because he hasn't had it for years! He puts to bed that fucking monster and doesn't pull it back out of the closet until you go missing! He does that for you!" his finger wagged around in her face

"You know that can't have been easy…fuck Liv, you should have seen him…he was in fucking beast mode looking for you and then he would go off into a dark corner and look like a man dying; it was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen" Ezra shook his head

"…if you can have doubts about him…well then maybe you don't fucking deserve him…"

"Ezra!"

"No Liv, I am serious. This relationship has looked pretty one sided to me anyway. He tells you he loves you first, goes on national television and tells the world he loves you, goes rouge to find you when some one has the audacity to take you, all while giving you some world class orgasms and what Liv…what else do you need?"

She had been trying to hold back the tears but they fell. Ezra knew how to tear the hide off someone.

"Babe, I am sorry…but you need to hear this…most people in the world would give everything to be where you are right now…you can be unhappy about not being told everything…but that's it. You move the fuck past it! You have a good man, the best of men!"

The best of men…Jerry Grant had said the same thing about Fitz….

What is wrong with me…why am I making this so difficult…they were right. She knew the important shit…

Maybe it's because everything is going so well…maybe she needed there to be something wrong…but why? Why did there need to be something wrong?!

"You really think our relationship is one sided? because it is not!" she sobbed

"No honey, I said it looks one-sided…here's a little secret about men…they also need the soft touch sometimes…His probably somewhere right now thinking he's about to be dumped because you've let him do all the heavy lifting…take some of the weight off him. Next time you have a fight and he walks out, he needs to know that it was just that, a fight; and your still on his team…do some heavy lifting!"

"People don't only need to hear someone loves them Liv…they need to also feel it and see it…it needs to overwhelm all their senses with confidence…especially when its this fucking new! You guys can do this shit after twenty years!"

She was quiet.

Ezra was right. No, Fitz was right…she knew everything she needed to know.

This man loves me…and I love him…but it was more than that

He was kind, generous with her, and other than his time in the military, he was an open book. She was the one who had been closed off…hedging letting him take the lead on how and when this played out.

From the get go, he had been open with her…while she held herself back, plagued by insecurities and doubts that damaged not only her but them.

She owed him…big time

She got off the chair, pulling her sweater off and running towards the closet where she had a few things…she scanned the few dresses she had hanging

Nothing was right!

Shit!

"Ezra, nothing is right! I need it to be perfect"

"What are you talking about crazy?" he asked baffled

She turned to him smiling like a loon.

"I am going to do some of the heavy lifting! I am going to ask him to marry me!" she whooped and headed towards the bathroom. He stood frozen; he heard the shower come on and quickly wheeled over to his phone, dialing frantically

"Abby! I fucked up! She's planning on asking him too!"

A/N

Hi all,

I start always by thanking everyone for the reviews! They are overwhelmingly positive and they are super encouraging...Thank you!

I may be taking a break for a day or two after this chapter…I need to think about how I want this proposal business to go…they are always an important part of the story and I need to think on it.

I might also be back sooner if inspiration hits! LOL!

Promise to be back soon!

Best,
Isa. S