Too many times

Suits / Donna x Harvey (darvey)

Chapter 1 - Come on and bare your teeth

All my wounds are opened up

They won't heal without your love
Try to clear my troubled mind
Too many times

- Ghost by WILDES

Disclaimer: This story is rated M after a few chapters. You are not warned when those happen. So, if this isn't your sort of read, no matter how good the story is (:P), don't try it.

Harvey's managing partner office made him feel good about himself. It allowed him to revel in the power that came with his position at – the somewhat definitive – Specter Zane Litt law firm. Recent power plays at the firm had made him think about his early motivations to become a lawyer. Samantha Wheeler had made her entrance at the firm in a dramatic fashion to say the least. Robert Zane's senior partner's intentions had been clear from the get go. She would become name partner within a year or be gone and her clients with her. Robert Zane wouldn't let that slide. And the man certainly wouldn't have accepted to have his name second without putting up a fight. And fought he had. The bargain became pretty clear. Harvey had Louis. Robert would have Samantha as leverage. As COO and a silent partner – Donna would still offer more leeway to the two former partners but he feared all of this could put her in jeopardy. The once tight-knit group could unravel under the influence of Samantha. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow but years of experience had taught him law firm mergers had everything to do with who would run it and nothing to do with who would keep it afloat. Harvey couldn't bring himself to think about Donna never looking after the functioning of the company as a whole ever again. The air would get thinner and thinner in his managing partner office if he did. Too many times had her job been on the line to protect him. Too many goddamn times she had stood up for him even though he was the one to blame. She had always determined the specifics needed to carry out his general plan. She was on an ejection seat. Her job would be on the line again at some point. The woman who had walked into that bar became his secretary, his confident and the decade-old one night stand that would change them for good; and would change his life for the better. The managing partner's office made no sense to him without the COO's being next door.

Around 9 PM, Harvey dug up an old publication about the practice of Law in New York State. He put an old jazz record on and poured himself a glass of scotch. He then sat down on the couch and began to read the most uninteresting law publication he possessed.

Section II. Admission to the New York State Bar

D. Oath of Office

Upon being admitted to practice in the state of New York, each applicant is required to swear or affirm the following constitutional oath of office:

I do solemnly swear that I will support the Constitution of the United States, and the New York Constitution, and that I will faithfully discharge the duties of the office of attorney and counselor at law of the Supreme Court of the state of New York according to the best of my ability.

He remembered the day he was sworn in. And then he remembered hiring a fraud.

He also remembered Cameron Denis's antics and not jumping headfirst into a big mess.

He remembered letting Liberty Rail get away with murder to protect his secretary. And then he remembered asking Stew for a favor so he wouldn't have to fire her himself.

He also remembered his own antics and how he got away with hiring a fraud.

To this day and to the best of his ability, Harvey had cauterized different kinds of wounds: choices he had made at some point in his life. He realized he had always found ways to cover up shady situations. Every step of the way, he had made and broken lives. Mike was the selfless lawyer Harvey could never be. He cared too much. He'd become a lawyer for the money at first: why be broke and live right across the street from your mother when you want to get away from her? Then for power: why would anyone want to be told what to do and nod at disloyalty? The advisor doesn't have to pull punches so he wouldn't agree to disloyalty. The attorney has to play by the rules but defend his client to the best of his ability. This was the in-between he had gone for; so frightful to a young boy but so thrilling to a man.

Harvey drank a mouthful of his scotch and stared at the shelves in front of him.

Is this the life little Harvey wanted? A dysfunctional marriage between himself and the practice of law? Harvey broke his thoughts down to one last question. Harvey. Why would anyone want to love Harvey who cheats and plays people for a living?

"Harvey." He felt her hand on his shoulder, trailing lightly. "Alcohol can make you deaf, you know that?"

"I'm sorry, Donna. I was miles away." He watched her move out of his reach and sit on the opposite side from him. He was surprised to see her around so late. She had given him an update on the new temps at least thirty minutes ago and had told him she was almost done and ready to go home.

"It's okay." She offered one of her precious you-did-nothing-wrong smiles and added, gesturing at the glass he was holding, "got one for me?"

"Sure." He rose up from the couch to fetch her one. Harvey couldn't help but beam internally at the fact that she was still here.

"Said goodbye to my bridesmaid dress by the way."

"Why didn't you keep it, I don't under–" He poured the drink.

"It was a rental, Harvey."

"I don't understand why you didn't just buy it." Harvey brought her the amber-tinted glass

"Because it reminded me of a friend who's gone." Donna locked eyes with him as she took the drink from his hand.

She looked beautiful in her purple dress, drawing his attention to her lower-body with one leg pressed against the other. There. All Harvey wanted to do was sit next to her and tell her how beautiful she looked. He said the dress she wore at the wedding was beautiful instead.

"Well it was… is but now it's gone." Donna's tone was a surprise to him.

Harvey nodded and went back to sit on the couch. Donna was absentmindedly glancing back and forth between the glass in her hand and his upper body and physicality. He seemed more laidback with his rolled up sleeves and shirt slightly opened at the top. She sipped at the glass thoughtfully and then put it down. Her focus switched back to his eyes and she noticed he was staring at her.

"What?"

"I never apologized for asking Stew to hire you." He noticed her mouth quiver then, eyes gleaming in the dim light of his office.

"You did when you ripped my letter of resignation," she asserted as firmly as she could, crossing her legs.

"But I didn't say it," he stated matter-of-factly.

"Just because you don't say something doesn't make it less true," Donna said and added, feeling embarrassed, "Gosh, platitudes, Harvey, really?"

"I wasn't really thinking about the dress before." Harvey averted his eyes in the direction of the carpeted floor beneath his feet.

Donna couldn't stop staring at the man who rarely went for a disheveled look. But he had gotten it right. His hair was an artful mess. The words he had spoken barely a second ago and the way he was looking at her made her feel bubbly inside. Small talk with him these days always reminded her of the way he had held her in his arms four weeks ago; cheek to cheek, swaying to the music and yearning for something that couldn't be.

It was late. It was all too late. Their partnership had never been so perfect. She had to be strong for them both.

"I know." Donna uncrossed her legs and stood up.

He caught her hand when she strode passed him.

"Don't go…" he began, barely audible. Harvey was tacitly admitting failure to express the way he felt about her. How he wanted her seated on his lap. Moving her gently on top, he would bare his teeth in the crook of her neck to elicit moans of painful pleasure and murmur he wanted to see her bare instead of wearing any dress. That covered up look wasn't enough to make him feel content anymore.

But whatever she thought might be there, wasn't. Back to normal and yet it couldn't be further from the truth.

"Yet." He closed his eyes when he finished that sentence. The impulse to get out of this situation was too strong. He couldn't open up to her and was feeling faint-hearted at the prospect of rejection.

"What is it?" She felt completely taken aback by his words and gesture. They hadn't held hands since the dance. Years of no physical contact made soft touches hurt as if he were sticking a knife in her gut.

Still holding her hand as he rose up from the couch, he asked: "Do you ever feel like you just want to run away and leave everything behind?"

"Mike and Rachel didn't run away. They just moved forward." The gravity of the firm's situation and their conversation had made her choose her words carefully. She would let his question wane just for the sake of keeping him afloat.

"I'm asking you," he said softly.

"You don't want to know," she countered, her eyes wide open as if trying to hold everything she felt back.

"Tell me," he pressed for an answer.

"I've always thought that there would be a price to pay with such a decision." She heaved a sigh, seeing the unsatisfactory look on his face and added, "But yes, I do."

Unable to look her in the eye, he let go of her hand and thanked her.

"For what?" Donna searched his closed-off face.

He breathed in, leaned back on the couch and tilted his head back and said: "For never giving up on me."

He didn't say more and with that she left his office, a half-full glass of scotch on the table and a tight throat sensation.

Not having her in his life made no sense to him at all.

But what kind of a life was this?

Harvey picked up the book again, raised it to eye-level and turned to section three which read:

Section III. Membership in the New York State Bar

C. Retirement or Resignation

There is no provision for an "inactive" or out-of-state status in the attorney registration rules which would excuse an attorney from filing a biennial registration. All attorneys admitted to the New York state bar whether they are resident or non-resident, active or retired, or practicing law in New York or anywhere else must file a registration every two years, and if actively practicing law anywhere, pay the biennial fee. No fee is required for attorneys who can certify that they are "retired" from the practice of law.

Harvey knocked on Robert Zane's door and heard him invite him to come in.

"Working late too, I see." Robert smiled at the man he considered his friend.

"I need a favor Robert."

"What's it got to do with?" Robert took his glasses off.

"The woman I'm in love with," Harvey answered truthfully.

She never thought she would live to see that day. Running down the halls of Specter Zane Litt, almost breaking her high heels in the process, Donna went everywhere and nowhere at the same time. She bumped into Louis who was coming out of the elevator. He forced her to catch a breath, prevented her from going anywhere until she would explain why she was acting so frantic.

"Donna, calm down for a second," he said and asked, "What the hell is going on?"

"He… he's gone, Louis." She cried, handing him the letter she held in her hand.

"Harvey." It wasn't a question.

Louis took it from her and read:

I'm sorry, Donna.

I realize now that I've always needed more. I thought you kissing me had knocked me into a different life. But I was wrong. It was the life I knew I always wanted. I can't ask you to feel the way that I feel about you. I've been wrong so many times. But I was never wrong about you. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met and nothing and no one can ever change that.

I made a deal with Robert, and Louis will make sure you keep your job no matter what. I trust him completely.

I'm leaving because you need to live your life and I need to know what it feels like not to mind if you do.

You know I could never say goodbye to you so please, say it to me instead.

Harvey

"Go," Louis said.

Sooo... well new fic. Should I continue? (already in the process of writing ch.2 and you know I can upload very fast. ;)) So please, hit me with your reviews if you like it.