A/N I am so excited to post this story, as the title suggests this continues HighGreenBunny's hitherto unfinished story "Too Far Gone" PLEASE read her's first, because 1) it's marvelous, and 2) my references won't make much sense otherwise. So, the usual disclaimers: this story is rated M for a reason, and I claim no ownership to any of the characters-all rights go to Dreamworks. All credit for the idea/plot goes to HighGreenBunny, so basically the only thing I own is my laptop. Huge thanks to Tabi for the opportunity to post this! Hope you enjoy!
Too Far Gone
The Nightmare (or: How to Have a Sleepover Without Permission)
When the movie ended Jack turned to look at Hiccup, words dying on his lips as he realized the cinnamon-haired youth had fallen asleep, head still resting on Jack's knees and an arm draped lazily over his legs. Maybe he had been wrong about Hiccup being too calm about everything. When was the last time he'd gotten a decent night's sleep? Or slept at all? The white-haired man watched him for a moment as he breathed steadily. He knew he should go, but if he was honest with himself, he didn't really want to. Maybe he could just fall asleep here; after all, Hiccup did invite him over so hopefully he wouldn't be mad about an impromptu sleepover. On the couch. Together.
Jack closed his eyes and tried to relax, but it wasn't long before his legs started to cramp up; what with their bent position and Hiccup's weight against them. No way was this going to work. He sat up, grimacing, and looked back at Hiccup. He appeared to be out cold, maybe he could lift him up just enough to move his legs out—no, what if he woke up? Jack would feel terrible. Did it make him a bad person for coming up with excuses to sleep on the couch with him even though he hadn't asked? Shaking his head, the personal trainer carefully held his small friend's shoulders so that he wasn't jostled (too much) as he stretched his legs to rest flat on the couch; gently pulling Hiccup to lay on top of his abdomen. After a tense moment when he thought Hiccup was going to wake up, Jack breathed out and lightly wrapped an arm around the freckled boy's torso; finally drifting off.
Hiccup struggled against Dagur's grip, begging him to stop, to leave him alone. His pleas were met with maniacal laughter that terrified the aubrunet more than the loudest yell; fear stealing his breath as his efforts to prevent Dagur from stripping him failed.
He woke suddenly, a quiet scream leaving his mouth as his heart continued to race. Hiccup frantically looked around with over-dilated pupils; heaving for air as he realized he was awake and Dagur wasn't there. It was just a nightmare—yet another one. But those events had actually happened in real life so frequently that the green-eyed man couldn't prevent the tears from flowing as he shook violently. Even though Hiccup had gotten away from him physically, and it had seemed like he'd made so much progress, Dagur was still in his head. Coupled with the "Hans incident" that was horribly fresh in his mind, it was just too much. Overcome with anxiety, Hiccup was crying so hard he was only faintly aware that Jack was there on the couch with him.
Jack had jolted into wakefulness as soon as Hiccup cried out; and now as he sat up he could see the freckled youth curled in on himself, sobbing. Jack felt his chest tighten with worry, was this because of the other night? He STILL didn't know what had happened; only that he never wanted Hiccup to be hurt or afraid again. Yet he felt helpless to change that without information. Biting his lip, Jack reached to put his hand on a trembling shoulder, then thought better of it. Last time Hiccup had come to him, and with him being in such a fragile state the white-haired man didn't want to risk startling him.
"Hiccup." Jack spoke quietly when his companion's crying slowed somewhat. Hiccup lifted his head to look at him briefly, the raw anguish in his face so intense Jack's heart nearly broke. "Hiccup, what happened? What's wrong?" Not just right now but when you got beat up and everything too.
Jack watched anxiously as Hiccup took a shaky breath. "Nothing, I don't want to talk about it, it's fine, I'll-I'll be fine." He rambled, furiously trying to wipe away his tears. Jack's eyes narrowed and he felt anger start to burn in him, even though he knew that wasn't fair. "Nothing, Hiccup? It sure doesn't seem like it! I mean, I know we haven't exactly known each other very long, but you came to me the other night when you were all bashed up, I figured that meant you trusted me! I just—" Jack sighed, running his hands through his hair and softening his voice. "Hiccup, I have no idea what's going on, just that something is, and it's driving me crazy because I want to help but I can't if I don't know anything." Hiccup look at him again, this time in confusion. "Why? Why do you want to help me so much?" Upon hearing this Jack inhaled sharply. Did Hiccup think he had an ulterior motive? What kind of relationships had he even had to question Jack's intentions?
He thought of Astrid, Hiccup's only friend so far as he knew, and how she was always there for him. "Because I care about you Hiccup, and we're friends, and I want you to be happy," he finally answered. "Is that so hard to believe?" Moving slowly, Jack took a bandaged hand in his. "Please can't you tell me?"
As Jack spoke, Hiccup felt disconnected from his body and reality, his friend's voice sounding far away as his mind raced. As always, the thought of telling Jack was utterly terrifying. He was so ashamed of what he'd done, the disgusting and terrible things he'd allowed to happen, that he could hardly stand himself and didn't think anyone else would either. The rational part of him whispered that given the support he'd shown so far, Jack wasn't going to suddenly hate him; but another part of Hiccup was afraid of loosing the person he'd come to rely on so much, and definitely ruining any chance—however small that might be—of having a relationship with him. He was used to being gripped by fear of consequences; but as he sat there feeling the strain of Jack's unanswered question, some corner of Hiccup's mind could clearly see that shutting him out would also push him away eventually. It wasn't fair to keep relying on him for comfort and support while keeping secrets and not really letting him help. And the cinnamon-haired man was smart enough to know that even the most loving people could get extremely frustrated by secrets given enough time. Case in point: Astrid.
Rubbing his face, Hiccup shifted on the couch slightly. Speaking about his nightmare and his past would be torture. But he had to. Looking back at his anxiously waiting friend, Hiccup knew he had to spill. Because if he didn't, things would get difficult with Jack—and Dagur would still be winning. "I, I had a nightmare about my ex-boyfriend."
Jack's eyes widened progressively as Hiccup began to talk, in a faltering voice so quiet he could barely hear him. The white-haired man knew this was an extremely vulnerable situation for Hiccup, and sensed that one wrong or mistimed gesture could shatter it, so he kept his mouth shut and listened attentively. God it was hard though. He couldn't keep the tears in as he got what sounded like the full (and probably rarely aired) story on what happened the other night—and why Hiccup came to Burgess in the first place.
Through his own crying, Hiccup told Jack everything about his relationship with Dagur, if you could even call it that, and how quickly it had spiraled into a vicious cycle of abuse. Wiping his eyes for the umpteenth time, the aubrunet couldn't bring himself to look at Jack as he described the pain, the manipulation, his own self-loathing, and how his father didn't even know he was gay. How Astrid had freaked and tried to talk some sense into him when she finally found out, but he'd been too stupid and afraid to listen. That he'd never told anyone the full story besides Astrid, not even the therapist he was currently seeing. And even now after totally changing his living situation Dagur still had a grip on him psychologically, and it had been so easy to think about just giving up.
Jack sat perfectly motionless through all this, so horrified by what Hiccup had gone through, and the fear he obviously still lived in, that he wanted to throw up.
Pausing to catch his breath, Hiccup smiled humorlessly, "You should have heard Astrid on the phone when I mentioned that I should just come back. It's a miracle my ears didn't bleed she chewed me out so bad." Keeping his gaze locked on Hiccup, Jack saw that those green eyes were hollow as the 'smile' slid off his face and he continued. "But I'm still messing up. No one made me go to that bar the—the other night. I knew what Hans wanted, I should've just said "no" and left, but I didn't. Well, I did, eventually," he amended; throat burning with shame. Jack must hate him, and verbalizing all this was so hard but at the same time it was like someone had opened a floodgate and he couldn't stop.
"Luckily I came to my senses and told him to stop before anything major happened, which is when he hit me. I got away and just, ran, and I found you on the roof and…well, you know that part." Hiccup trailed off, head in his hands as he shook. He couldn't bring himself to say the rest: how Jack made him feel so safe, how he didn't tell him anything that night because he was—is—terrified of loosing his friendship, how being around Jack makes him happier than he'd ever imagined, that he's pretty sure he's in love with him.
Hiccup says none of these things, he'd already spilled so much shit he figured the guillotine would come down any second now and Jack would up and leave and never want to see him again. Oh God, why did he say all that, why couldn't he have just brushed it off, made some excuse and shown Jack to the door, stupid stupid stupid—
"Hiccup." Said teen teared up when Jack spoke his name in the gentlest voice he'd ever heard. He felt the white-haired man carefully touch his shoulder, and when he looked up at him he nearly gasped at the kindness in his friend's eyes. Tentative relief flooded the cinnamon-haired youth, threatening to spill more tears. He doesn't hate me, he couldn't be looking at me like that if he hated me…
"Hiccup," Jack moved his hand to cup a freckled cheek, scrambling to get rid of the lump in his throat and find the right words to reassure his friend. "Thank you," he whispered, "for telling me, for trusting me with all that. I…" He took a shaky breath, how the hell did Hiccup even get up in the morning? He scooted a little closer, looking the teen right in the eyes. "I want you to be happy, and feel safe; I'm so glad you left him Hiccup and that you aren't in physical danger anymore, that takes guts, and telling me all this takes guts, please don't beat yourself up about staying as long as you did, just…" He was rambling, he so hadn't meant to ramble or sound preachy or anything. Way to go Jack, he berated himself. But before he could continue Hiccup spoke.
"You-you're not disgusted by-by what I've done, or that...I'm gay?" He asked hesitantly. Shaking his head emphatically Jack brought his other hand up to Hiccup's face as he continued looking into viridian eyes, desperate to convey his sincerity. "No Hiccup, I'm just upset that you had to go through all that, that you're still suffering—I can't even understand how you're able to function." Jack tried to calm his breathing, "I want to be here for you Hiccup, and help if I can. I want you to be able to leave all that behind and live happily, and I will do anything to help you get there. Please let me be here for you. Please don't push me away."
Hiccup managed to smile through his tears, nodding his head slightly. He wasn't used to thinking of himself as lucky, but that is exactly the word that came to mind. Now that he'd shared his horrifying secrets and been met with even greater kindness and support he felt a little foolish for not trusting Jack with this sooner; but mostly relieved beyond belief to have this precious person in his life. Hiccup was brought out of his thoughts by the feeling of Jack's arms wrapping around him in a tentative hug, which the freckled teen instantly melted into; placing his arms around the other's neck and resting his forehead on his shoulder. A few more tears fell gently, like the last stuttering drops of a rainstorm as the air warms and the sun comes out.
They stayed that way for several minutes, Hiccup soaking in the feeling of safety that was Jack, said man murmuring softly while rubbing gentle circles on his back. Eventually Hiccup pulled away to look into cobalt eyes, his own eyebrows narrowing slightly when he realized something. "Did I fall asleep on top of you?" He watched perplexed as Jack got a deer-in-the-headlights look, before bursting. "I'm sorry! I wasn't trying to pull anything funny, I swear, I just—I should've just woken you up and left but it seemed like you hadn't been sleeping well lately and I—" Jack yanked on his hair agitatedly, "I shouldn't have done that, and with everything you just shared I feel terrible and…" The cinnamon-haired youth gaped slightly as he realized what had Jack so worked up. He was afraid Hiccup thought he was taking advantage of him. Which, if you wanted to get technical, Jack had; but Hiccup knew he had only good intentions. And he was secretly pleased at the thought of lying on top of his crush, even if the sentiments weren't reciprocated.
"Jack." Hiccup figured he'd better put him out of his misery. He put his hands on the personal trainer's shoulders. "Jack, it's okay, I'm not upset." He tilted the other's chin so their eyes met. Don't kiss him don't kiss him don't kiss him. He swallowed slightly. "I know you didn't mean anything funny, I trust you. I—I've been so scared to tell you and…well, I'm glad you were here when I woke up. And I'm glad you're in my life." And I can hardly believe that you don't hate me or think I'm a horribly disgusting person, because Lord knows I do. He was relieved to see Jack relax and stop biting his lip; unable to help himself he pulled Jack into a hug. It was kind of strange being the one trying to do the comforting, not that he minded. He felt the personal trainer rest his head on his shoulder, soft words reaching his ears. "I'm really happy I met you too Hiccup."