After Kurt's first time with his best friend, Sebastian, the two boys realize that there is too much unsaid between them to leave things the way they are. But will talking about it bring them together ... or push them apart?

Sebastian's fingers trail slowly up Kurt's sides, slipping underneath his t-shirt to slide the fabric up his body. Kurt does the same to Sebastian's shirt, but with fingers that tremble as they go, unintentionally spreading goosebumps along Sebastian's skin. When Kurt's fingers reach the spot just below Sebastian's armpits where his ribs curl towards his pecs, his elbows clamp down tight to his sides.

"Op! I forgot you're ticklish!" Kurt says, juggling a giggle and a gasp as Sebastian retaliates by lightly licking his neck. Kurt squirms to get away, but Sebastian puts a hand to his cheek and holds him in place.

"Yeah" - Sebastian grins, sucking on the one spot he knows will make Kurt squeal like a piglet - "but I didn't …"

"What was your first time like?"

Sebastian inhales deeply, then sighs into the air above him. This isn't the conversation he was hoping they'd be having when they finished hugging and returned to Sebastian's bed. He's not in the mood to talk about this, though he can see how the current atmosphere might have lead them in this direction. He'd wanted to talk about it when it happened, and definitely with Kurt, but Kurt made it clear that he wasn't comfortable with the subject, and Sebastian let it drop. He figured he'd shoot the shit with one of his other friends another time. But when it came up one afternoon after lacrosse practice, strangely enough, it seemed too personal. As much as Sebastian couldn't care less about locker room talk when other guys did it, he didn't want to participate. It seemed tacky and immature.

This isn't going to be locker room talk, but it's a sore spot for the both of them.

At least they're talking here and not over the phone.

At least Kurt stayed.

"I thought you didn't want to hear about it," Sebastian says in a wry rendition of his best friend's voice. "I thought you never wanted to hear about it."

"Yeah, well, I've come to the conclusion that that might have been a jerk move on my part." Kurt rolls his head to the side to look at Sebastian, eyes full of regret. "You're my best friend. That was a big step in your life, I assume. You should be able to talk to me about it."

Sebastian tightens his grip on Kurt's hand, partially for security, and partially so Kurt doesn't let go when he hears the answer. They're about to enter touchy territory, even if it is ancient history as far as Sebastian is concerned.

"It was okay, I guess." He shrugs, then turns his head to meet Kurt's gaze. The two stare at one another in silent challenge - Sebastian praying Kurt will change the subject, Kurt waiting patiently for more. Sebastian blinks first. He sighs again. Here he is, stuck in another situation he sees no way out of. But if there was ever a time for him to bear his soul, now is that time. If he had told Kurt originally how his reluctance to let Sebastian confide in him had hurt him, they might not be in this position, good or bad. "Honestly, it was pretty awful."

"How?"

"Well, neither of us knew what we were doing. We screwed up trying to open the lube and made a huge mess. He scratched my thigh with his toe nail, and it really hurt. Somebody farted …" Sebastian pinches his lower lip between his teeth and his cheeks turn red, giving Kurt the impression that he may have been that person.

"Was he someone from our school?"

"Nah. He was some guy I met at Scandals." Sebastian looks sheepishly down at the comforter beneath them, eyes tracing a line of stitching close to his face. "He said he was twenty-one, but I don't think he was. He seemed younger … our age. Anyway, he doesn't go to school with us. I've never seen him again."

Kurt has to admit he's relieved. He had thought all of Sebastian's sex partners were boys from Dalton. Seeing their faces every day, how they watched Sebastian in the hallway with wide, puppy-dog eyes, forever hoping he'd glance their way, stung. Kurt didn't know how he would handle finding out which one of those constantly pleading boys was Sebastian's first.

Knowing that none of them were is a huge weight off Kurt's shoulders.

Casual sex is one thing, and yes, virginity is a stupid societal construct that shouldn't amount for anything, so technically your first sexual experience shouldn't hold any more weight than your last.

Call him a sentimental fool but, to Kurt, in some ways it does.

In retrospect, the reason why Sebastian never did look their way was usually because he and Kurt were together, and Sebastian was looking at him.

Sebastian kisses Kurt tenderly, urgently, possessively, passionately, each one translating want and longing and desire in ways words could never properly express. And between each kiss, he gazes into Kurt's eyes, brow pulled in the center as if he can't believe that Kurt is there. But he is there, and they're together, making love on Sebastian's bed the way Sebastian had dreamed of so many times. All he has to do is reach out and touch him - Kurt's soft skin beneath Sebastian's fingertips proof of his existence in this fantasy come to life. Now that he has Kurt, there are no others. His past is just that – the past. And it's gone, erased completely every time Kurt kisses him back, looks him in the eyes, and smiles – blissful, bashful, and beautiful.

"Were you guys safe?" Kurt asks, digging deeper for his own peace of mind. Maybe Kurt should be a bit more sensitive considering they're talking about the boy/man Sebastian lost his virginity to, but someone he met at Scandals? Kurt can't imagine Sebastian, of all people, being so careless.

Sebastian may be daring, but he's not reckless.

"Of course, we were," Sebastian admits with some embarrassment. He knew that Kurt would scold him over this if he ever found it, but he was confident Kurt never would. Besides, he'd shouldered that responsibility, berating himself plenty for losing his virginity to some rando in a bar. "I swear. I made sure I took condoms with me when I went," Sebastian defends himself quickly, but his voice peters off when he realizes how bad that sounds, how it cements the fact that he'd gone to Scandals on the lookout for a fuck "… you know … just in case ..."

Kurt stops himself before he can huff or make some other judgmental noise. Kurt started this. He's clearing the air. It's important to him. He doesn't want there to be secrets between them. But honestly, Sebastian isn't required to answer him if he doesn't want to. Kurt should be grateful that Sebastian is willing to give him a second chance at being the friend he should have been when this happened.

"So, it sounds like you were on a mission," Kurt teases to break the tension.

"Yeah." Sebastian chuckles tensely. "I guess … I guess I was."

"Mission accomplished?"

"No," Sebastian says, and it's true. It was true then, and it's doubly true now. "If I could take it back and replace it with what we just did, I would in a heartbeat."

"Whoa … no-no-no … oh … whoops!"

Sebastian over-enthusiastically rips open the condom wrapper, fumbles the lubricated disk, and sends it flying across the room. Both boys watch it, snickering as it disappears in a corner behind Sebastian's desk. Kurt falls back on the pillows and snorts while Sebastian, laughing just as hard, struggles to catch his breath.

"Well, that's never happened before."

"There's a first time for everything." Kurt reaches for Sebastian's stash of condoms that he keeps under his pillows. Kurt had raised an eyebrow at that when he saw Sebastian fish one out, and the sheepish expression returned to Sebastian's face.

"Uh … I keep them under there just in case," Sebastian had said, darting his eyes, unable to decide on a spot for them to settle.

"Who were you expecting?"

"No one! I swear! It's been a few months and I … kind of forgot they were there."

"Ugh!" Kurt groaned.

"What?"

"How long has it been since you changed these sheets!?"

Sebastian didn't answer, but the conversation at large had been swept under the proverbial carpet when Sebastian began rutting against Kurt, convincing him with long sweeps of his tongue over the sensitive skin at the juncture of his neck to forget about it.

And Kurt, melting into a potentially filthy comforter, did.

Sebastian goes to take the condom from him, but Kurt palms it.

"Can I?" Kurt asks, gesturing towards Sebastian cock. "Do you mind if I try …?"

"No," Sebastian says, gulping so hard he's sure he's shoved his heart down a foot. "Not at all. G-give it a try." He kneels up, straddling Kurt's hips to give him space to work. He watches Kurt pinch the tip the way their teacher showed them in health class, place it gently over the head of Sebastian's cock, and roll it down with excruciating slowness. He rolls it to the base of Sebastian's cock, then runs a hand over it to remove any air bubbles.

"There," Kurt says, looking up at Sebastian for approval. "Is that … is that okay?"

"Okay?" Sebastian winds his arms around Kurt's torso, squeezing him so hard he cracks his spine. "It's more than okay! I think that's the hottest thing I've ever fucking seen!"

"Wh-why did you do it?"

This is the question. The question. Sebastian can tell by the sound of Kurt's voice when he asks it. This is the one he's been waiting to ask, the one he's probably been dreading. The one that had festered in the back of his mind every time Kurt saw Sebastian a morning after. It was on those mornings that Sebastian should have realized how much he was hurting Kurt. But sex doesn't equal love … or maturity, and when it came to Kurt and his feelings, Sebastian had a tendency to be a little bit naïve.

He'd thought that, when it came to pining over Kurt, the only person he was hurting was himself.

"I was curious. Wanted to see what all the fuss was about. And, kind of like you, I wanted to get it over with."

Kurt's hand goes rigid in Sebastian's grasp and he can't understand why until he remembers what Kurt said to him in his car on the way over:

"I think … I kind of always knew that my first time would be with you anyway …"

What if that wasn't resignation? What if Kurt had been waiting for him? Subconsciously saving himself for him? Kurt said that other boys don't want him, but what if that isn't entirely the truth? What if Kurt can't see the ones who do because he wanted Sebastian first?

Sebastian had wanted Kurt, too. He just didn't wait for him.

"Now, are you sure about this?"

"Are we going to go through this again?" Kurt asks with a smirk. "Because it was exhausting the first time."

"Yes," Sebastian pouts. "I don't want to hurt you. I mean, you just did it for the first time about fifteen minutes ago. You have to be sore."

"Maybe a little," Kurt says, making a face when he shifts to the side and a throb in his ass confirms that yes, he is sore. "But not too much. Just … go slow."

"You know, we don't have to have sex the way we did before." Sebastian bends low to Kurt's ear, whispering in that dark, seductive voice that was so startling to Kurt when he first heard it, but which sends all sorts of delicious chills up his spine. "I can suck you off. It'll be just as good. I promise."

Kurt bites his lower lip, tempted by the offer, but confused by the ball of hot and hurt that statement puts in his stomach. He shakes his head. It's an answer, but it's also an attempt to brush that ball aside.

"Maybe some other time? I really, really want this. Unless you … you don't …"

Sebastian rushes forward and collects the end of that sentence in a kiss. "Kurt, there won't ever be a day when I don't want to make love to you."

"Were any other times awful?" Kurt asks while Sebastian wrestles with his conscience.

"A lot of the times were. It's just an act when you don't feel anything for the person you're with." He raises Kurt's hand to his mouth and kisses it. "It's better with feelings."

Kurt licks his dry lips, chewing around a smile. "Then, why did you keep doing it?"

"Because, physically, it felt good. It's great for stress relief. And besides, once you have sex, you kind of feel pressure to keep having it, whether you want to or not."

"Was there ever anyone you were with that you liked? I mean, that you wanted to be boyfriends with?"

Regardless of what Sebastian believes, this is actually the question. The one that fills Kurt with fear. Sebastian may have had sex with a lot of boys at Dalton, but he's far from indiscriminate. Kurt knows the boys he slept with numbered amongst the more handsome, wealthier, upper GPA echelon of the student body. There was one boy in particular – Vail (named after the place his parents conceived him, apparently. What a story to tell the grandkids). He was an upperclassman, richer than Sebastian's family (if that's even possible without being actual royalty), smart, athletic, charming, and he drove a car that makes Kurt's Navigator look like the caboose on an old tyme toy train. To make matters worse, he wasn't a stuck-up prick. Then Kurt could hate him. He was a genuinely nice guy - a philanthropist, on the fast track to attending Harvard medical so he could someday travel the world and bring his medical expertise to impoverished nations.

If anyone was worthy of Sebastian, it was him.

As far as Kurt knows, Vail was the partner Sebastian was with off and on the longest. He loathed the day he'd find out the two of them had decided to make their undercover relationship official.

But Vail graduated last year, they hadn't heard from him since, and as far as Kurt could tell, Sebastian didn't seem to mourn the loss.

Of course, Sebastian is good at keeping his true feelings hidden, even from Kurt.

Kurt might be able to overlook the sex if Sebastian didn't like any of his partners enough to date them. God, that sounds awful, but some of the truest things in life do.

"No," Sebastian says in a tone that Kurt has no reason to doubt. "No one."

"Really?" Kurt asks, because even if he doesn't doubt him, he needs to make sure.

Sebastian smiles suddenly, looking at Kurt with a twinkle in his eyes. "Actually … uh … does today count?"

It's easier entering Kurt now that he's open, that he's comfortable with being touched. He knows Sebastian's fingers, knows what they're going to do. It's a touch he invites. It doesn't feel awkward or unnatural now that he knows what to expect. Sebastian uses twice as much lube as before. He knows that Kurt's sore, knows how sore he has to be, even if he's good at not showing it. If there's one thing Kurt has always been expert at hiding, it's pain. But now Sebastian can give Kurt the experience he'd wanted him to have.

He can look him in the eyes.

He can kiss him on the lips.

He can be face to face with him when he tells him he loves him.

"What makes me different?" Kurt asks, figuring he'll give Sebastian a break in the form of an easy question to answer. They're best friends, have been for close to a decade. They're comfortable with one another. They're compatible.

Isn't there a saying about dating your best friend?

"The difference is …" Sebastian runs a thumb over Kurt's knuckles. He has to keep touching him, has to keep reminding himself that what's happening is real, that with every question he answers, he gets closer and closer to something he's wanted for a long time "… I love you, Kurt."

"I love you, too."

"No. I mean … I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever met. And the idea that you're going to find someone down the line and … and fall in love with them … make love to them …" Sebastian turns his face to the ceiling, fighting a well of angry tears "… maybe it makes me a hypocrite but, it kills me. Every time I picture it, I want to burn my eyes out. You know?"

Kurt could agree. He could admit he feels the same. He could lay on Sebastian's shoulders the depth of his despair since he began having sex. But he doesn't want to guilt his best friend. He's not about to shame him for his choices.

Sebastian has nothing to be ashamed of.

Besides, had Kurt been honest with Sebastian earlier, maybe things would be different now.

"Actually, I'm already in love with someone," Kurt confesses. Sebastian's face falls, but only for a second before Kurt squeezes his hand tighter, scoots a little closer. Sebastian's cheeks begin to burn. Kurt isn't used to seeing his best friend blush. He's beginning to enjoy that shade on him. "I have been for a while now. I just … I never had the courage to tell him."

"Do you think you might tell him soon?" Sebastian asks, moving with Kurt, curling in towards him and wrapping an arm around his waist.

"I think so," Kurt says. "Very, very soon."

"I love you, Sebastian. I … I love you. God!" There's a freedom in Kurt's voice, a brand new lack of shame when he says, "I'm cumming … oh God …"

"I love you, too," Sebastian whimpers, speeding his hips to stay in sync with Kurt so they can cum together. To think, this entire time, they'd been on basically the same page and never knew it. Well, that stops today. As far as Sebastian is concerned, there isn't a single thought he has about their relationship that he will keep to himself again.

He pauses to move an inch closer, his pounding having slid him too far down the mattress, to discover that Kurt refuses to simply lay docile on the bed. He starts pushing back, meeting Sebastian's hips thrust for thrust, and that puts Sebastian over the edge.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?" Kurt asks. "We're going to college next year. Everything could change for us."

"It won't change that much. You're going to NYADA next year …"

"I am."

"… and I'm going to NYU …"

"Yup." Kurt smiles. He'd been frightened when he found out that he was going to his dream school in New York that this would be the end of his friendship with Sebastian - at least, the way it stood. Yes, they were best friends, and Kurt had faith in what they had. They had definitely fought hard enough for it. But distance can have one of two effects on a friendship – it makes the heart fonder, or more forgetful.

But then they found out that Sebastian had been accepted to his dream school - NYU. Kurt felt that kismet had to be at play here somewhat. Nothing was going to get in the way of Kurt going after his dreams of performing on Broadway. Not even a broken heart. But Sebastian had been a part of his dreams for a long time now.

It was farfetched to believe he could have both.

But what if he could?

"So, if we started dating now, we could make this work," Sebastian says. Honestly, he'd been willing to try and make a long-distance relationship work if it came down to it, but this seems like an opportunity that they would be ridiculous not to take advantage of.

Sebastian doesn't believe in signs, but this seems like a pretty big one. He didn't have any doubts about getting into NYU. He had the grades, the extracurriculars, and there were plenty of spots available for incoming freshmen.

But for Kurt, NYADA only accepts a handful of graduating seniors per year. Being a student from Lima, Ohio, attending a school with very little in the way of arts in its curriculum, competing with kids from all over the country, some of whom have been groomed to attend NYADA since birth, the odds seemed stacked against him. Plus, Kurt didn't have a Plan B. Aside from NYADA, Kurt didn't have any other colleges lined up.

It was NYADA or nothing.

But Kurt wouldn't be Kurt if he didn't go up against impossible odds and emerge victorious.

"I'm willing to give it a try if you are," Kurt says.

"I am. And I want to, more than you'll ever know."

"Then can you do me a favor?" Kurt asks, his stomach quivering like the first time he ever performed on stage in front of a competition audience, but ready to jump into this relationship – the only one of his life so far – with both feet.

"What's that?"

Kurt puts a hand to Sebastian's cheek, pulling him closer, gaze flicking down to his lips, then back to his eyes. "Make love to me again?"