Disclaimer: This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

Summary: Harry Potter is the biggest jerk on the planet, and he wants everyone to know it. Thanks to his unfortunate childhood with the Dursleys, the manipulations of Dumbledore, and the loss of his parents, Harry is done with all pleasantries and just doesn't care about anything. Watch as the boy-who-lived voices his nasty comments for all to hear. Rated M for obscene amounts of language.

Chapter 1: Harry Potter - The Boy Who Doesn't Give A Fuck

The year is 1991. The location is London, specifically Number 4 Privet Drive. Inside this house lives the Dursley family, plus one very demented little boy by the name of Harry James Potter. It's not his fault, however. Thanks to his horrendous childhood abuse from his Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and fat ass cousin Dudley, Harry became resentful towards others. That was strike one.

A year after Harry was born, his parents went into hiding from the Dark Lord Voldemort and his Death Eater Minions. When the boy's mother and father met their end from Voldemort, the evil wizard drew his wand and performed the killing curse on the child. Somehow the spell backfired on Voldemort and killed him instead. After Harry was taken by Albus Dumbledore to his relative's house, the rest of the witches and wizards celebrated the death of the evilest person in history. Harry was famous in the wizarding world, but no one ever cared to check up on him to see if he was alright. That was strike two.

Finally, when Harry received his letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, he was greeted unannounced by the half-giant Hagrid. From there, Hagrid described what happened to the boy's past as best he could, and how the wizarding world worked. None of this information was important. This only caused more pain for Harry, because if this world was so great, then magic could have saved his parents, made his life better, and it wouldn't have made him ignorant to the ways of the wizarding community. That was strike three, and the final straw overall. From now on, Harry was done with trying to be nice to others. He would express his opinions openly to all who could listen and make sure the world suffered as much as he did.

The funny thing is Harry is not a bad person, nor is he too dark. The only thing to know is that Harry James Potter doesn't give a flying fuck about anything, and is a massive egotistical jerk. On the first of September, Harry was led to the train station. Thankfully the dim-witted oaf, Hagrid, was smart enough to bring him there, but something came up at the last minute.

"Blimey is that the time? I'm sorry but I've got to go, Harry! Dumbledore will be wanting ... well he will be wanting to see me." said Hagrid.

"So? Your concerns mean nothing to me, you obese moron."

Hagrid did not seem to hear him, so he continued with what he was saying.

"Your train leaves in ten minutes, and here's your ticket. Please make sure you stick with it, Harry. Stick with your ticket."

Hagrid then gave Harry his ticket for the train, but the giant conveniently forgot to tell the boy about how to get on the train in the first place. As he looked at the ticket, Harry became more confused by the second.

"Platform 9 and ... 3/4? What ... the ... fuck? Hagrid, what the hell is this?" Harry said. He looked around but the gigantic man was nowhere to be found.

"Of course. Just my fucking luck." Harry grumbled underneath his breath. "I guess I should find Platforms 9 and 10 and then see if there's a way to find 9 and 3/4."

Harry made his way over to the columns that represented Platform 9 on one side and Platform 10 on the other. There were several people walking on both sides but none of them seemed to be going to a platform that was between the two numbers. There was only one thing to do: ask some poor sod for help.

"Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 and 3/4?" Harry asked one of the officers near the trains.

"9 and 3/4? Being a smart-ass huh, kid?"

"No, not this time officer."

"Get out of here you brat!" the officer yelled.

Harry backed away from the deranged officer of the law and continued to look for some kind of way to find this unimaginable platform that may or may not exist.

"This is pointless." Harry said aloud. "If I continue to ask people, they'll think I'm a god damn prankster and just wave me off. Someone should have told me how to get onto this platform. I wonder ..."

Harry stopped talking when he heard an obnoxiously loud red-headed woman and her numerous kids walking around the station.

" ... packed with muggles of course. Come on kids. Platform 9 and 3/4 is this way!" The woman said very loudly.

"Why is she yelling so loudly? I thought we weren't supposed to reveal we are wizards to muggles. Whatever. I guess I should follow them. At least they'll be more helpful than Hagrid or that bastard security guard." Harry thought.

The boy followed closely behind the red-headed family. There appeared to be six of them: The obnoxious older woman, a very serious older looking boy, a set of male twins, a short female midget, and some kind of boy that was slightly taller than the female midget. Suddenly the odd looking family stopped and the obnoxious woman began speaking to her kids again.

"Percy, you go first."

The serious boy, who apparently was named Percy, began running towards the wall that was between Platforms 9 and 10. He was pushing a cart with a ton of books, a suitcase, and a lot of black looking robes.

"Oh man. Does he want to get hurt or something? If he keeps going, the cart will crash into the wall and he'll break his legs. Oh please break your legs you idiot. I could use some entertainment today." Harry chuckled to himself.

The boy, unfortunately, did not slam himself into the wall like Harry believed. The boy and his cart vanished through the wall and appeared to not have been hurt at all. Harry's jaw dropped in surprise. How in the hell did he go through the wall? Harry was determined to find out how, but first, it seemed like the twins were going in next.

"Fred, George, you next." The woman said while gesturing at one of her sons.

"He's not Fred. I am!" One of the twins said while pointing at the other.

"Honestly woman. You call yourself our mother."

"Oh sorry, George. Go on ahead"

The boy took his cart and readied himself to go through the barrier. Before he took off, he said this to his mother:

"Only joking, Mum. I am Fred." Fred said. With that, he ran through the barrier with his brother George directly behind him.

"Ok, that was pretty funny. I just hope they don't do this all the time in school. That gag will get old real quick." Harry thought. "I guess this would be a good time to ask for help from these red-heads."

"Excuse me?" Harry said while directing attention to the rest of the family. "Can you tell me how this works?"

"Oh, certainly young man. Are you going to Hogwarts, too?" The red-headed mother asked.

"Obviously. Otherwise, I wouldn't have asked now would I? Now can you please tell me how this trick works?"

"Not to worry dear. It's Ron's first time going to Hogwarts as well!" The mother gestured her hand towards her youngest son.

"Yeah. Great. Can you fucking tell me now or should I find someone who can?"

"All you have to do is walk straight at the wall between Platforms 9 and 10. Best do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous." The mother stated. She appeared to not have heard his comments just like Hagrid.

"What is wrong with everyone? Can these people not hear that I'm insulting them? What is this insanity?" Harry thought to himself. He was pretty confused about the whole thing, but then decided it was not worth the effort. As he readied his cart to go through the barrier, the midget girl spoke to him.

"Good luck."

"What do I need luck for? Am I going to get hurt in there? Your comment is only making this experience worse for me! Fuck you!" Harry yelled at the little girl with an extreme amount of aggravation in his voice.

Before he took off running, Harry noticed the girl was giggling at his comment and started to blush before him. The mother figure also seemed to be smiling, and Ron was grinning as if he had told a joke or something.

"Fuckin' weirdos." Harry mumbled under his breath.

The Potter boy then ran through the barrier and found himself on the other side of the platform. A red train was starting to steam its engine and the words "Hogwarts Express" were written on the side. Harry moved towards the train and got one of the assistants to help him with his bags.

"Oh hello, little boy. Is this your first year at Hogwarts?"

"Oh wow. What gave it away? Maybe it's because I'm a small kid, and don't know what I'm doing?"

"Oh no! Are you lost? Do you need some assistance?"

"No, you idiot I'm not lost. Here's all of my luggage. If you get any of my items damaged, I'll gut you like a fish." Harry said to the man whilst completely ignoring his question.

"Oh good. I'm glad you're in the right place! Now if you give me your bags, I will stow them away for you under the train. This is standard procedure for all first years, ok?"

"Look I really don't care. Just take my shit already!" Harry said while almost thrusting his items at the man.

"Thank you, young man. Have a great year!"

"Oh go fuck yourself!" Harry yelled as he got on the train.

With his luggage safely on board, Harry made his way through the train to find one of the compartments. After a few minutes of searching, the boy found one that was completely empty and had a window facing the way he came in. While looking down, Harry could see the red-head family once again and it looked like the mother was scolding Ron for something he did. As Harry snickered at the boy's misfortune, he noticed the little girl from earlier wave at him down below. Instead of waving back, like any sane human being would have, Harry smiled and then gave the girl the middle finger. His smile immediately faded and turned into a sour frown. Once again the girl giggled and blushed as if nothing Harry did even happened at all.

The train started blowing the horn and soon enough it was moving towards the magical school Harry had known so little about. Whatever surprises were in store for him, Harry had the feeling he wouldn't be happy. It was bad enough that he was forced to go to this school in the first place, but no one even bothered to mention what the school was like or what kind of classes he would be taking.

Nearly half an hour later, Harry was looking out the window and minding his own business when that red-head boy, Ron, opened the door.

"Excuse me. Do you mind if I join you? Everywhere else is full."

"I do mind actually."

"Great. Thanks." Ron said as he sat down right in front of Harry.

"I said I did mind you sitting here. Do you have wax in your ears, you little fuck-nugget?"

"I'm Ron by the way. Ron Weasley." Ron said while extending his hand for Harry to shake. It was at this moment that in Ron's other hand was a rat that seemed to be really old and disgusting. The Weasley boy set down the rat and turned his attention back to Harry.

"Great. I'm Harry Potter. Now get yourself, and your disgusting rat, out of my compartment." Harry stated while not shaking Ron's hand at all. All of a sudden Ron's eyes widened and it appeared he was about to suffer a stroke. Somehow during all of this, Ron's hand dropped to his side.

"You ... you're Harry Potter? So it's true! Do you really have the scar?"

"Yep."

"Can I see it, Harry?"

"No. Please get the fuck out of my compartment." Harry angrily said to the ignorant boy.

"Wicked! That's some scar there, Harry."

"What the hell ..." Harry tried to say but he was interrupted by someone pushing a cart and then opened the door.

"Anything off the trolly dears? We got tons of snacks and candies here for everyone!" The trolly cart lady said. She appeared to be in her late sixties and had a long head of grey hair on her head. The woman was too nicely dressed for someone who only handed out treats on the train, but Harry didn't seem to care that much.

"No thanks. I'm all set." Ron admitted. He appeared to be holding a bag of goat shit in his hand and the sight of it made Harry want to vomit.

"What kind of candies do you have?" Harry asked.

"We have licorice wands, pumpkin pasties, Bertie Bot's Every Flavor of Beans, chocolate frogs, chocolate liquor cauldrons, ..." the older woman said to Harry, but he stopped her instantly.

"Wait. Did you say "chocolate liquor cauldrons"? Damn, I would kill for some alcohol right now."

"Oh I'm sorry dear but I cannot sell those candies to minors. You have to be at least seventeen to eat these candies. Don't despair though. It will only be a few years until you can have them."

"Then why the hell did you say you had them in the first place? What kind of fucked up masochist ... " Harry tried to say but the trolly woman cut him off.

"Can I sell you anything else, dear?"

"I want those liquor candies you old hag. How much for them?" Harry demandingly asked. The old woman appeared to be getting a little short with him and proceeded to answer accordingly.

"Young man. Please listen carefully. I can't sell you these candies because you are not old enough ..."

"Oh yeah? How much will this get me?" Harry asked as he pulled out a mountain of galleons from his pocket. The woman's eyes bulged out of her sockets and instantly changed her mind about selling the alcohol filled candies to Harry.

"That will get you everything on the cart, plus these liquor candies, and then some."

"Great. Now give me everything." Harry demanded. Five minutes later, the trolly cart woman emptied her entire stash of food and placed it all inside of the cart. The hag took her leave and Harry immediately headed for the alcohol filled candies. At first, Harry wanted to devour them all and get drunk off of those chocolate morsels, but then he had a better idea.

"Hey, Ron? I got an idea. Why don't you have some of these candies? In fact, take them all!"

"Wow thanks, Harry!" Ron said as he began eating the liquor cauldrons.

After a few of the candies were eaten, Ron complained about the taste of the alcohol, but Harry wasn't having any of his bullshit today. The Boy-Who-Lived ordered Ron to eat all the booze candies that he paid for. Seeing that Ron didn't have a choice in the matter, he agreed and decided to eat the candies anyway. Harry was chuckling through it all the way as Ron made faces of disgust. All to soon the door to the compartment opened and a girl with extremely bushy brunette hair entered without even asking for permission.

"Have any of you seen a toad? A boy named Neville lost him and is trying to find it." The girl asked both Harry and Ron.

"No. Now get the fuck out of my ..." Harry tried to say but the girl interrupted him.

"Oh, my! Are you doing magic?" The girl asked while directing her question towards Harry.

"How the fuck would I be doing magic? I'm sitting here, surrounded by candies, sugary sweets, other bullshit pieces of chocolate, and my wand is in my pocket. How on earth do I perform magic anyways? I don't know anything about this stuff, and I don't even know how to do magic in the first place!" Harry yelled with a ton of confusion in his voice.

"Well let's see then!" The girl answered back in a cheerful voice.

"My god you people are insane." Harry responded while he pulled out his wand, but Ron beat him to the punch. He cleared his throat, then turned his wand on his pet rat.

"Sunshine daisies. Butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat rat yellow!" Ron exclaimed. The wand produced some light from the incantation but nothing happened whatsoever to the rat.

"Was that even a spell, or did you just make up something on the spot?" Harry asked.

"No, it's not a real spell, Harry. It wasn't even a very good incantation now was it? Of course, I've tried a few simple spells myself, but they've all worked for me." The girl said as she sat down on the opposite side of the seat from Harry and Ron. While she was speaking, Ron gave Harry a "who the fuck is this chick?" look.

"Well bully for you then. Is your ego that big that you have to proclaim your brilliance everywhere you go?" Harry asked the girl. The Boy-Who-Lived couldn't tell if this annoying girl could hear his question or not and instead started to show off.

"For example, here's a spell I discovered recently." The girl said while aiming her wand at Harry's glasses. "Oculus Repairen."

The damage to Harry's glasses was instantly fixed and his frames became brand new once more. Even though this girl was irritating, Harry was impressed with her magical prowess. He was even considering thanking the girl, but she just had to start talking again.

"That's better isn't it?" The girl asked smugly.

"Wow you're really just fishing for compliments aren't you?"

"That was amazing! I can't believe I've never seen that spell before!" Ron interjected while completely ignoring Harry's sarcastic comment.

Harry said nothing but just rolled his eyes instead. The girl looked him for a moment before gasping in shock.

"Holy cricket! You're Harry Potter! I'm Hermione Granger." The girl known as Hermione said. She then turned her attention to Ron. "And ... you are?"

"Uh ... Ron Weasley." He said with some licorice wand in his mouth.

"Pleasure. You two better get changed into your school robes. I suspect we'll be arriving soon." Hermione stated before the started to close the door. Just before she left, Hermione pointed out that Ron had some dirt on his nose. Harry laughed at that admission and then continued to get Ron drunk off of the chocolate cauldrons once again.

About an hour later, neither boy was dressed in their uniforms, but one of them was incredibly drunk. Ron Weasley had eaten all six boxes of chocolate liquor cauldrons and was slurring his words uncontrollably.

"Wassin you eatin candy Harry? I think Mum made me food, but I can't find it under my shoe. Why are the lights so bright in here?"

Harry was trying really hard not to laugh, but ended up laughing quietly under his breath. The really funny thing was Ron was STILL eating candy. He was already drunk off his ass at only eleven years old, but now he proved he had the metabolism of twenty grown men. Harry wondered how much food this whale could possibly eat before he exploded. He would have to test that theory out when he got to school.

"We will be arriving in twenty minutes at the Hogsmeade Station! Please get dressed in your school uniforms immediately!" One of the older students said while going up and down the train.

Harry started to grab his clothes and proceed into the nearest restroom to get changed. When he returned, Ron had his shirt on backwards, his shoes were on the wrong feet, and his robe was on top of his head.

"Did I do right, Harry? I can't see nuthin but I know I got clothes on." Ron admitted.

"You look fantastic, Ron. All the students need to start dressing like you." He exclaimed while trying his damnedest to not explode with laughter.

"Thassin great, Harry. You a realz pal you know dat?"

The train seemed to be slowing down at that precise moment and the students were filing out of the train to get to the school. The older students were directing the others out, and trying to get the first years into the boats.

"Oh I know, Ron. Come on. Let's get your ass out of here and on a boat." Harry said.

"Okaayy Hurray. Let's go boat rocking and get some fishhh!"

Harry had to grab Ron's arm so he wouldn't fall over himself. When the two exited the train, they were escorted over to the boats where the other first-year students were placed. With any luck, Ron and Harry would be in the same boat together so that the Boy-Who-Lived could get a front row seat to Ron possibly retching off the side of the boat.

A/N: Ok this is meant to be a joke, so don't flood my inbox with death threats and hate mail. If you want me to write more to this story, then please let me know. Thanks for reading and look forward to more ... that is ... if anyone wants to hear more.