t's never enough to say I'm sorry, It's never enough to say I care.

But I'm caught between what you wanted from me and knowing that if I give that to you I might just disappear.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be.

My sweet Olivia,

I sit here alone in my living room thinking of you, of us…

In the silence all I can hear is the clock ticking slowly, the sound seems to be getting louder and louder as each minute passes by. The constant ticking is beginning to sound like a drum beating relentlessly through the room.

I check my phone for the umpteenth time this evening, looking for the message that never comes in. I open my outbox and start to read the unsent messages to you….the ones I never had the courage to send.
I know our demise was that of my own making, I could never tell you how what I was thinking or how I was really feeling. I let out a small scoff at the irony of it all; here I am reading what you were looking for the whole time…honesty. I just never wanted to be a burden to you…

My eyes are still stinging from what seems like hours of sobbing and yet I'm barely able to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall, again.
I down another shot of Jack, anything to dull the pain I'm feeling and take away my thoughts.

If I had the chance, I'd tell you:
"When we don't speak and we go about our days hardly having any contact with each other it tears me up inside. Yes I'm complicated and yes I'm frustrating but I miss you, I miss how we used to speak and have a have a laugh about random stuff…. I'd tell you all I wanted was you and I'm sorry your patience wore thin with my toing and froing."

I know my actions (or lack of) have consequences but this time…this time they have been dyer, I've lost someone I really cared about.

You're this funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful breath of fresh air; you deserve people in your life that can give you everything in the world. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

Hurting you, all be it unintentionally, is the worst feeling in the world right now.

I know I have no right to be saying these things to you and I'm sorry for laying it all out like this, but I wanted you to know how truly sorry I am for not being what you needed.

Seeing you move on is killing me but all I can hope for is that you're happy.

Please forgive me.

Amanda