A/N: From the perspective of my buddies/proof readers, this author's note is gonna be kinda goofy. Bear, Gold, Alexis, y'all are seeing this WAY before I publish this. Thank y'all for helping me build some ideas and descriptions!

Everyone else who happens to stumble upon this madhouse, I hope you enjoy! There's a tumblr for a lot of the jokes in the rough drafts called downtoearthgf if you're interested.

There will be spoilers. I'll be putting trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter when needed. Speaking of which… panic attack in this one.

And remember! REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM, BUY GOLD, BYYYYEEEE!

Ford woke up furious and confused. "Bring Bill back," the Axolotl said. "You're in charge of his punishment," the Axolotl said. All because he and his brother went off to the middle of the Arctic Ocean to investigate an anomaly. All they even found was a small, yellow stone at the bottom of the ocean.

He should've figured, that anomaly had only started a few days after Weirdmageddon.

As punishment for killing Time Baby, screwing with the dimensions with portals, and the general tomfoolery one would expect of him, Axolotl decided to put Bill under the watch of whatever poor bastard finds that stone. That among other things.

To make it as "fair" as he could hope, he decided to plop that pendant in the middle of the ocean, expecting it to take at least another 30 years or so before someone could find it, long enough to make Bill a new form.

But no, Ford seethed, I just HAD to go in the middle of an ocean chasing oddities. Can't get rid of the damn creature.

The twins were coming back this summer. He had thought about putting this off as long as possible, but he couldn't think of a reasonable way to do so. There was no way Dipper and Mabel would be allowed back without Stan or Ford to watch them, and he couldn't just take off with Bill either way. Sure, there was definitely more people in Gravity Falls than people who can safely ride the Stan O' War II, but he could easily lose Bill while at sea, which was not a risk he was willing to take.

He'd have to settle with adjusting the Bill-proof barrier by switching up the placement of the ingredients and setting it up in a smaller area. If he can keep that triangular monstrosity in a small area, he can likely find excuses to keep people out of said area. Of course, he'd still have to watch him. One does not simply leave a psychopathic dream demon to his own devices. His study behind the vending machine would do just fine. Ford never left the Mystery Shack much anyways.

Ford finally snapped himself out of his mental cacophony of things that could go wrong and slunk out of his bed to get dressed.

Stanley was already up and had been waiting at the kitchen table. "Mornin' Poindexter! I made coffee!"

"Uh, what? Oh, coffee, yeah. Thank you, Stanley." He sat down at the other side of the table and began anxiously tapping at the edge of the mug. Stan wouldn't react well to being told that they'd have to harbor the same monster who had tried to ruin their family only a year before, but keeping another secret, especially about Bill, would cause more harm than good. He'd have to tell him, just not yet…

"Somethin' on your mind, Ford? You're coffee's gonna spill if ya keep tapping like that."

"Yes! Yes, I'm fine." He took a sip of the coffee and started tapping the table. "Actually, Stanley…"

"What'cha need?"

"Well, I… there's something I have to do today, and I'll tell you about it when I'm done." How in the hell was he going to explain this?

"Uh, Ford, you're kinda freaking me out."

"That's just it, you will freak out. I'm freaking out. But I need you to trust me, okay?"

Stanley gave him a flat expression. "So you have something to do that neither of us are gonna like, and you're not gonna tell me about it until it's done."

"Yes."

"But you want me to trust you, so you're telling me about it without telling me about it."

"Essentially, yes."

"Is it going to be dangerous or long lasting?"

"Dangerous? Maybe. Long lasting? Probably."

"Is it going to hurt the kids?"

"Not if what I have planned works."

Stanley took a long, dramatic sip at his coffee before giving his signature grin. "Bring it on."

The woods were just starting to warm up for the day. The birds were singing, the grass was covered in fresh dew, and the sun was shining through the canopy, leaving dapples of light and shadow scattered on the ground. Bill's statue stood half-buried under a beam of sunshine, covered in moss and small cracks. His arm was presented to shake hands. Just as expected.

As he got closer, Ford felt a tug from the pocket in his jacket. He reached in and pulled out the yellow stone. "The keystone," the Axolotl had called it. A few more steps and the stone slipped out of his grasp and went flying at the statue, absorbed on contact.

"Well, alright then."

Bill regained consciousness slowly, his statue softening into his incarnate form. The first thing he noticed was how sore he was. His everything ached the same way Dipper's body did after not sleeping for an age and a half, only worse. He was stiff, heavy, and dizzy. His legs and feet were cold, wet, and completely immobile. Not a sensation he was a fan of. Not a sensation he even believed he could feel. He let out a soft, irritated groan. His glow was very faint.

His vision was heavily blurred, but he could make out the general shape of brown boots. Whatever was in front of him shifted downwards until he could see red, black, and tan.

"Bill, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"F… fuck you… Sixer…" He held up his hand as if to snap, but found that he was too stiff to do so.

"Language, Bill! Too weak to do anything?" Ford sneered. He wasn't a sadist by any means, but something about seeing a creature as awful as him so powerless was almost funny, if not pitiful.

The demon struggled and attempted to claw at the ground, but all he could do was paw at the grass, getting more frustrated each second.

"Do you need help? I can get-"

"I can… I can do it..! Back off!" He growled. But the harder he tried, the weaker he got and the more his limbs burned in protest. When he could no longer force himself to move, he began to panic. The sudden rush of horror wasn't enough to get him moving again, and his growls turned into whimpers.

As much as he hated him, Bill's freak out was starting to make Ford's chest ache. "Would you rather I leave you-"

"No!"

"... to get a spade, or dig you out with my hands?"

"Don't, don't leave me, don't, please don't, Sixer, Ford, I'll die, I'll die, I'll-"

He can't even think clearly. I'll have to calm him down first.

"-you can't, you can't, you can't, can't, can't, Ford please-"

"Bill."

"-please, please-"

"Bill, look at me. Look at my face."

"Ford?" The demon did as he was told.

"May I touch you?" What the hell kind of question was that?

"What?"

"May I touch you?"

"I think... yes. Yes." Ford reached for one of his tiny hands and gently held it in his fingers. This was weird, this was definitely weird. But this method had worked numerous times on Dipper, according to the letters the twins had been sending.

"What's your name?" Again, what the hell kind of question was that?

"Bill Ci… Cipher."

"Do you know where you are?"

"... yes."

"Do you know what year it is?"

"No…"

"What color is your hat?"

"Black…"

"How are you feeling right now?"

"I… I think I'm fine. Yes. I'm fine. What was that? And let go of me."

"That was a panic attack." Ford stated flatly.

"Horrifying. Everything about right… right now makes me… I'm having sensations that... I don't want."

"Don't focus on that too much. Instead," Ford took off his jacket. "Start counting things. Trees, rocks, birds. Just stay focused on anything but the sensations."

Bill flinched when Stanford wrapped his jacket around him. "What are you..?"

"Giving you a reason to believe I'll come back and dig you out. Oh, and don't let any wildlife take it. I'll be very upset."

The demon couldn't answer before his old partner took off, even if he wanted to.

In the time it had taken for Stanford to grab a small spade, a duffel bag, and a blanket and come back, Bill had passed out due to exhaustion. By this point, both of them had come to the conclusion that he was subject to some of the biological rules most tangible creatures were. He had woken up briefly three times while he was being dug out, and didn't say a word when Ford set him in the bag and draped the blanket over him.

I'm being cared for by a human. Stupid, gullible Sixer, no less. He was humiliated. It was bad enough that he was basically made a pet as punishment, but it just had to be Ford, and he just had to come back in the least glamorous way possible. Fantastic.

He didn't say anything on the way to the Mystery Shack, nor did he speak when Ford had set the bag down to push the last piece of unicorn hair in place to trap him.

"You're awfully quiet. That's not like you."

"I hate this. All of this." He glared at Ford. "And what's up with the barrier? It's not like I can do anything right now."

"Would you trust you?"

Bill gave a small chuckle. "Fuck no."

"Language!"

It was around 3 PM when Stanford had finished explaining to his twin about the nonsense that's been happening. The dream, Bill's punishment, the flawed system to determine who carried it out, and Bill's apparent inability to do much of anything besides talk shit and maybe scream at pitches humans can't hear.

"I can't believe this…"

"Now, Stanley-"

"You turned a formerly god-like demon into a pet? That's hysterical! Awful, but hysterical." Stan gave his brother a playful punch in the shoulder.

"You're… not angry?" Ford's eyebrows furrowed.

"Oh, you bet I am. But at least you told me. The real question is, what do we tell the kids if they go off lookin' for his statue? And how do we keep them out of your study?"

"I don't think we can. They found out about him before, they'll find out again…" Ford's mouth puckered in the way Pines usually do when they're planning something. "He's weak now, but he could just be weak because he's only just returned. Would it be safer to let them figure it out or just tell them?"

Stanley grabbed his twin by the shoulders. "The last time I waited around for those kids to just figure something out, I almost missed my chance to bring you back and I almost lost their trust. We need to tell them directly, we really shouldn't risk the damage."

"Then we'll tell them."

The twins were silent for the first few minutes of the ride to Gravity Falls, save for Waddles making Waddles-noises. Mabel hugged him close to ease her nerves.

"Are you okay, Mabel?"

"... I'm kinda scared."

Dipper laid his head on her shoulder. "I am too."

"I know he's gone, but the nightmares haven't stopped for either of us…"

"That's why we're going to see his statue. Let out everything we can and get some kind of closure. Whether he's listening or not, it should be good for us."

Mabel took a deep breath. "Yeah, I believe that."

"But hey!" Dipper excitedly bounced. "We don't have to do that right away! And when we do, we never have to see him again!"

He couldn't have been more wrong.