died

she really died

no no NO

I thought I told him

what was wrong with him

what was wrong with her

what was wrong with me

why did she do

.

Calm down, caaaaalm down, there should be something that can be done…

.

no no not with that blood

that was dry

not with those wounds

im going to be sick again

why did she die

why did he just stare at her

broken and mindless

why why

no

I dont want to accept it

.

Maybe it's a nightmare? I want it to be. I mean, I wasn't the greatest of friends with Yuri, barely a friend at all. But I wanted to try. I didn't want her to hate me. I didn't want her to hurt herself. If it was really bad, I should have done more about it. It should have been obvious. She even suggested suicide to Monika as, what was it, beneficial to her mental health. That was way too much even as a joke. I should have told somebody else, somebody reliable. There should have been a teacher, a counselor, somebody like... like…

.

everything disjointed sliding apart into fragments to shatter apart to sharp little splinters

.

Ugh, my head hurts. It's okay, I've felt this before. It's not hunger lightheadedness, but it happens and then goes away. Everything will be clear soon. I'll just tell somebody else that something's not right with Yuri. Somebody like…

.

blank mind full of white then gray forms emerge in enigmatic chains that decrypt into commands

.

...a teacher, any teacher. The other clubs should be gathering for festival preparations; there should be a teacher or two around school. Someone who can help before… no, it's too late. She's dead, Yuri's already dead. Why did they not find her earlier?! When she might have been saved? What is wrong with everybody?!

Where is everybody?

The festival is today, right? Right. That's why I made cupcakes. So, even though it's early, there should be a lot of people around getting ready. Should be, but it's quiet. Silent. I can hear my shoes echoing in here, in… the bathroom. That's where I am, that's what I see. It's… I can't describe this bathroom for some reason.

It's … really fuzzy.

.

lights flashing red blue green specks and patterns static and numbers

.

Ugh… am I falling apart? My hands and feet are mixed up squares.

.

Wait, what?

What's going on now

whats happening to me

why am I so fuzzy

flashing

some awful drone drilling down

why me

what did I do wrong

papa never…

.

Papa?

.

I know it's tough; I wrote a poem about it, I'm sure. He doesn't bring much food home and I'm lucky if I get some money from him…

Or, am I? The manga are mine. Closing my eyes to block out the weird flashing, I can see my collection all lined up on the lower shelf. It's so satisfying to see them like that, all in their proper place. Just like I told him. Hmph, but then Monika comes around and puts all my manga up on the top shelf with no care to order. She acts like she's all innocent, just doing as the teacher asked her to do. The teacher… that I can't think of right now. It's like I never met her.

It's like I've never seen this bathroom.

And closing my eyes, covering my ears, crouching down on the ground, and praying doesn't block out the lights and noise. Or this sickening feeling of falling apart. Am I dying, just like Yuri is dead? Can't it be quick and over with? I feel so horrible, and so hungry now. Weak faint when will it be over...

I never had much money… no, wait. The costs of collecting manga quickly builds up and I have a whole collection of Parfait Girls, among a few others. I… I must have saved money, so I must have an allowance. But I don't remember having an allowance? Or getting anything from Papa. Or what Papa looks like, nor what he sounds like… not what home looks like. Why? Am I losing my memory? Is that why all this weird stuff is happening to me? I need to go to a hospital.

I remember using the teacher's chair to reach my manga (where stupid Monika put them on the top shelf!) and it wobbled, and the box was heavy, and I fell right on top of the new club member, that boy. Disgusting, so embarrassing. But he was kind and thoughtful as always, even though I accused him of being a pervert. He moved my manga for me and treated them as one should. He was enjoying Parfait Girls even though it's not a series most guys get into. Maybe he is a pervert? Nah, he's just a weirdo like the rest of us. It'd be too embarrassing to say, but I liked him since I've never met a boy like him.

But I don't remember my Papa, even though he should be important to me, for good or for bad. I… I know he cooks well… and he doesn't always come home on time… and our relationship isn't good. But it's all facts I can't think of any memories to back them up. It's all a concept. Who is Papa?

.

And, I remember a girl with a cute red bow in her hair... who is she? Sayori. I don't know her; I know her. I can hear her voice, what she said one time. 'It's about expressing your feelings, being intimate with yourself, finding new horizons, and having fun!' When she said that, I felt better about the poetry recital. It's going to be awful, but they'll see a different side of me. A different side of us. Sayori… where were you? Why aren't you around when I remember you being in the club? It would have been better.

Maybe Yuri wouldn't have died.

I remember that image all too well. Clear, vibrant, and horrible. Why… why is all this happening? Am I dying? When will I die? No… no, I refuse to die yet! Why should I die?! I'll be strong; I am strong.

.

Think about something better, whatever might block this chaos out.

.

I remember Sayori; I wish I'd met her. We would be… are great friends.

I… I remember Yuri… come on mind, I don't have to remember what I just saw. I can remember the way she used to make tea, then immediately bring out one of her books and read. Club meetings were so peaceful, a refuge. She was elegant, polite, and beautiful. I wish I could be any of that. A refuge...

A refuge from what? I can't remember.

I remember Monika. Hmph, Monika. Did she care about us at all? Or was the club just something to make her look good? She was always trying to get his attention, spend time alone with him. And, Yuri wanted the same, time alone with him. But Yuri got crazy possessive over him and then the way I saw them today… if it's just myself, then yeah, I wanted the same thing but I wouldn't have gone crazy about some boy. Not even him.

I remember… I remember him? As a vague presence, but he was a thoughtful doormat. Sometimes a bit of a smartass. He was… was he cute?

I don't remember his face.

I remember things he said. He wanted to help me feel comfortable with sharing my poetry. And, it worked. But I don't want to be one of those girls who depend on others! I have to prove my worth, that I am a great writer too.

Actually, he liked my poems. But I don't remember his name.

I should remember. Am I an awful person for that?

.

blurring fading breaking failing

.

Things go quiet. Things go still. I open my eyes, I think. There's something like… a computer screen? Why am I on a computer screen? Is there some pervert out there who likes to watch me suffer? Is there?! Come on, show yourself you coward!

Nothing, just a hum of electronics.

Things go hazy.

I'm dying… dying? No, I'm being deleted. I don't know why, but it's taking time… hmm? Wanted… my cupcakes? Well then why'd you go and delete me?! I can make more; don't be so senseless.

This window isn't very interesting. But it isn't the only window open. What else is open… it's a bunch of words? Poems? Maybe, or stories. Stories… no, fanfiction, that's a word there. Fanfiction… hey wait, is that my name? Who's writing fanfiction about me?!

I don't know if I should be flattered or enraged. You'd better not be a pervert.

And this… 'LET THE GIRLS BE HAPPY!'

.

fading fainting wishing

.

Well… that's nice, I guess. Better that you want us happy instead of wanting us to suffer more. Not that I'm going to leave you a kudos or anything; that's way too weird when you're writing about me.

But… if you're going to make us happy… that's nice. Yuri, Sayori, me, that boy, even Monika… maybe if I close my eyes and open them again, I'll end up in a fanfiction where we're all there, we're all alive, we're all happy, things are different…

.

I close my eyes.

.

Good night.

.

Natsuki deleted successfully.