This story is just a two-shot, so this is the final chapter. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :)
Just a reminder that Jesse and Frannie don't exist in this fic, and there are some spoilers for season 19 in the plotline.
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Amanda is tossing and turning on Olivia's couch, unable to sleep no matter how hard she tries.
A couple of hours have passed since she had just randomly decided to show up at her lieutenant's apartment in the middle of the night, and even though the morning sun will soon be making an appearance and she can't remember the last time she has had a proper sleep, the beckoning arms of slumber refuse to wrap themselves around her and let her sink beneath the dark depths of consciousness. Amanda figures she'll be a complete wreck come dawn, as she has been surviving on such a minuscule amount of rest lately, but has far too much on her mind to drift off into dreamland and let all of her stress and worries melt away for the next few hours.
She recalls Olivia mentioning that Noah is quite an early riser and guesses the little boy will be joining her in the living room at some ungodly hour of the day, ready to watch cartoons or play with his toys or whatever it is that kids enjoy doing when they first awaken. With this knowledge firmly in mind, Amanda tries yet again to settle down, blowing out an exasperated breath and turning over roughly on the cushions when her efforts soon prove futile and she is left staring at the shadowy ceiling in utter exhaustion.
She can hear the occasional noises from Olivia and Noah in the older woman's room, both of them sharing the bed as they sleep and one or the other letting out soft sighs or slight whimpers from time to time, Amanda getting a firsthand look at how difficult the nights have been since the young child's abduction by his grandmother. She wonders if they will ever feel completely safe again; hoping the confusing and unpleasant memories will eventually fade for Noah, but knowing they never will for his mother and this is something Olivia will have to carry with her for the rest of her life.
Amanda scrubs her hands over her face, feeling the uncomfortable stiffness of her skin due to the previous tear tracks and squeezing her eyes shut at the extreme embarrassment that envelops her when she thinks about texting Olivia from the hallway at 2am and then trying to make a quick escape when she had changed her mind about being there. Her emotions are whirling around in a furious tornado as thoughts of her recently discovered love for Olivia, along with her jealousy of Brian Cassidy and her worry over the mental states of both her friend and her son threaten to have her letting loose with a scream of fatigue and frustration, desperate for a break from these overwhelming troubles that are constantly plaguing her.
Amanda has tried to push down those disconcerting feelings for her boss right from the start, aware that the admiration and respect and friendship she feels toward Olivia have been slowly giving way to something much deeper over the past several months; but the more she tries to shove these feelings aside, the stronger they become. They have come so far since their early days of working together, when Amanda had been a new transfer from Atlanta and weighed down with so much emotional baggage and addiction issues that she didn't think she would ever be free of them, and Olivia was drowning in her own sea of problems as she tried to get over the sudden departure of her partner.
Their relationship has grown by leaps and bounds since the dark days of William Lewis and Charles Patton, evil men wreaking havoc in their lives during the height of Amanda's gambling addiction when Olivia's trust for her had disappeared entirely and it didn't look like it could ever be regained. Very slowly over the course of time, they had started to rebuild with one another, taking things step by step until the solidification of the lost trust between them had been complete and Amanda had begun thinking of Olivia as not only her co-worker but the best friend she's ever had; aware that those particular feelings, at least, are reciprocated.
She doesn't have a clue as to how Olivia feels for her beyond the point of a very close friendship; too terrified to probe any further and risk ruining what has taken so long to build, and cursing Brian Cassidy for mentioning the possibility of Amanda feeling something more. She had been utterly stunned when Olivia had brought that up in their earlier conversation, actually asking outright if she had feelings for her that go deeper than friendship, and Amanda refusing to answer; not knowing how to continue that topic of discussion with someone who is her superior.
Her scattered-brained thoughts are interrupted by a sudden tormented moan emanating from Olivia's bedroom, and she sits straight up on the couch, figuring Noah is having another nightmare and the older woman will be waking up momentarily to soothe him. It takes Amanda several seconds to realize that the sound isn't coming from the little boy but from his mother, Olivia's high-pitched begging and pleading instantly shattering her heart into a million pieces and causing her to spring up from the cushions to make a frantic dash from the living room.
Amanda practically trips over the pajama bottoms she had borrowed from Olivia for the remainder of the night, the cuffs of the flannel pants rolled up a couple of times at her ankles but still proving to be too long as they drag across the floor while she hurries into her friend's bedroom. Olivia is sitting up on the mattress, the covers pooled around her waist and rumpled dark hair coming loose from her bun, arms stretching out toward some unseen intruder as those heartbreaking sounds continue to emit from her parted lips.
Miraculously, Noah is somehow sleeping through all of this commotion, the little boy curled up on the other side of the bed and snoring softly with his face pushed into the pillow, Amanda stumbling toward her boss in the darkened room and intent on quieting her before he wakes up. Olivia doesn't appear to recognize her detective as she drops down to her knees beside the bed, gazing at Amanda with an anguished expression on her features and a wild look in her eyes, those teary brown orbs darting around the room like she is searching for someone.
"Please don't take him," Olivia whimpers as Amanda's hands close gently around her upper arms, trying to get the older woman to focus on her and realize what is going on. "He's just a child. He's all I have."
"Shhh, sweetheart, Noah is fine," Amanda soothes in a hushed voice as it fully registers what is happening with Olivia; that the brunette is locked into some kind of horrific nightmare involving her son's kidnapping. "Let's go out to the living room, okay? We don't want to wake him up while he's trying to sleep. Why don't you come sit on the couch with me?"
"But I need to keep him safe," Olivia whines in protest, Amanda watching as her gaze swings toward the small boy who lets out a slight snort like they are disturbing his slumber. "I have to stay with him."
"Noah is perfectly safe, I promise you that," Amanda assures her with whispered vehemence, her hands coming up to stroke Olivia's hair back from her perspiring face and her fingers gripping lightly onto the sides of her lieutenant's head to get her full attention. "We're just going to be right in the next room, okay? You can check on him as many times as you want, but we shouldn't wake him up. He's already had a rough enough night as it is. He needs his rest."
Amanda's words finally seem to penetrate the nightmare world that Olivia is stuck in, the older woman's hands grasping onto her forearms with an intense grip that is bordering on painful while Amanda continues holding onto her head, their gazes locked intently onto one another in the darkness. She feels Olivia give a slow nod in response and slowly loosens her hold, letting her palms slide over her shoulders and down her arms so she is clutching the other woman's clammy hands within her own and urging her to get out of the bed.
"Come on, honey, let's go out to the living room. Let Noah sleep." Amanda wraps her arms around Olivia's waist to steady her when the taller figure reaches out to let her fingers brush briefly through the unruly mop of curls on Noah's head, easing them both up to their feet and walking her boss with measured steps to the door of the bedroom.
"I let this happen to him. It's my fault she took him," Olivia murmurs in agony as Amanda leads her carefully over to the couch and turns on a lamp, the lieutenant pausing with bent knees as Amanda helps her sit down on the cushions, like she is about to jump up and race back to her son's side.
"It's no one's fault but Sheila's, and you got him back," Amanda soothes gently, as they sprawl ungracefully onto the sofa together, Olivia's fists clenched onto the front of her borrowed shirt with an astonishingly strong grip. "He's okay, Liv. He has the best mother in the world to look after him and protect him. He's very lucky to have you."
She will never forget the first time she had laid eyes on Noah as an infant; the tiny baby lying inside a dresser drawer in the motel room of child pornographers, and has felt a special connection to him ever since, growing to love him as much as she loves his mother and looking upon the little boy like the son she never had. Amanda knows it had been love at first sight for Olivia; that there is a powerful bond between mother and son that can never be broken, and she intends to comfort and hold the older woman for as long as she needs it, resolute in pushing her own issues to the side in favor of dealing with Olivia's instead.
Neither of them speak for the next few minutes as Amanda waits patiently for Olivia to fully awaken and get ahold of herself, very concerned that the brunette seems to be becoming more unraveled as time goes on, rather than beginning to heal and move forward. She wraps her arms around Olivia's ribs and pulls the taller woman flush against her side on the cushions, reaching down to retrieve the blanket that had fallen to the floor upon her hasty retreat from the living room and cocooning them both inside its fluffy warmth.
"I'm sorry, Amanda," Olivia finally murmurs, the lieutenant's head slumping heavily on her shoulder as they snuggle together. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this. The nightmares have been so bad lately, for both Noah and I."
"Please don't apologize, Liv," Amanda replies softly as she places a tender kiss on Olivia's temple and cuddles the other woman impossibly closer. "I'm sure I didn't help matters by barging in here in the middle of the night and giving you something else to worry about. I'm the one who should be sorry, not you."
Amanda secretly acknowledges how glad she now is that she decided to show up at her boss' apartment a couple of hours ago; changing her mind about the embarrassing situation and relieved that Olivia doesn't have to go through this torment alone and has another adult there with her.
"I'm happy you're here with me, Amanda," Olivia answers quietly, perfectly echoing the thoughts in her own head. "But I don't want to be falling apart when you're the one who needs someone right now. You've been there for me so much lately, and I want to be there for you too."
"I guess we're both kind of falling to pieces at the same time, huh?" Amanda mumbles with a humorless quirk of her lips, watching as Olivia raises her head from her shoulder to fix her with those big brown eyes that seem to penetrate straight into her soul.
They gaze at each in silence for several seconds, Amanda reaching out to carefully wipe the remaining tears from Olivia's cheeks with the pad of her thumb and letting her fingers trail slowly back through the other woman's hair, moving the thick tresses away from Olivia's forehead. Her heart is still beating at a pace that seems far too quick to be considered normal, the intense speed having yet to calm down after her race into the bedroom to make sure Olivia was okay; and now that they are sitting pressed against each other on the couch, practically nose to nose as they stare so intently at one another, Amanda is quite sure that it won't be decreasing anytime soon.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" Olivia whispers with palpable concern, and this time it is Amanda's hair that is being stroked so gently away from her face, aware that the burning blush from earlier is taking up residence just beneath her skin again and infusing her pale cheeks with bright spots of color. "And please don't tell me how you don't want to add to my stress because I've been going through so much lately."
"Liv, I really don't think it's the best time to talk about this, though," Amanda mutters as that familiar shame simmers inside once again; glad that she can be here for Olivia in her time of need but regretful that her own problems seem to be taking precedence once again.
"Talk about what?" Olivia prods in a firmer tone of voice, the older woman gripping Amanda's hands tightly within her own and giving them a compassionate squeeze. "I mean it, okay? Let me be here for you like you've been here for me, Amanda. It broke my heart when Noah and I found you crying in the elevator earlier. You're not acting like yourself and I'm very worried."
Amanda blows out a nervous breath, her stomach fluttering uncomfortably and her heart feeling like it's about to burst right from her chest with the force it is now racing with, her mouth opening and Olivia nodding encouragingly for her to begin speaking. "Um, Cassidy..."
She trails off, unable to get the rest of the words out, and again cursing Brian Cassidy for not minding his own damn business and bringing up something so personal to Olivia when Amanda hadn't even been there to try and diffuse the situation or tell her side of things.
"What about him?" Olivia urges softly, a lump rising so swiftly inside of Amanda's throat that it is difficult to take a deep breath, the next sentence coming out in a trembling voice that is barely audible.
"He was right."
"Right about what?" Olivia is now staring very steadily at her without blinking as Amanda attempts to formulate an appropriate explanation, certain that her boss knows exactly what she is referring to but is choosing to ask the question anyway.
"About-" Amanda coughs roughly and clears her throat, swallowing hard around the lump that feels like it's growing to the point of cutting off any sound or air entirely, and steeling herself for the inevitable humiliation and rejection that is sure to follow right on the heels of her forthcoming confession. "About me having feelings for you that go beyond friendship."
"Alright." Olivia's voice is surprisingly calm after the long pause that follows in the wake of Amanda's revelation, and she blinks in shock at the unexpectedly placid demeanor of the woman snuggled up beside her. "It's okay, Amanda."
"Well, actually, no, it's not okay," she corrects doubtfully, quite certain that Olivia's apparent nonchalance with this subject won't be lasting much longer; not if she decides to put all her cards on the table and get everything out into the open.
"Why isn't it okay?" Olivia's face is so near to her own as the brunette continues with her gentle prodding that Amanda has now ceased to breathe, her gaze sweeping slowly down from the intensity of the other woman's stare and lingering on those soft, plump lips that look so inviting in the dim light of the living room
"Well, aside from the obvious...that you're my boss and I'm your subordinate...and I really don't want to put any more stress on you..." Amanda sighs harshly and scrubs her hands over her face, still having an immense amount of trouble articulating exactly what it is that she wants to say.
"Aside from the obvious..." Olivia prompts softly, a shiver running down Amanda's spine as the taller woman eases an arm around her shoulders and brings her body so close to her own that their lips are now hovering mere inches apart.
A tidal wave of tears suddenly spill from Amanda's eyes, the salty liquid making such a swift reappearance that she practically bursts into laughter in response; her emotions so up and down that she can't possibly keep up with their breakneck speed and the effort to do so leaves her nearly breathless once more. She is choking on a prolonged sob as she tries in vain to pull away from Olivia, the lieutenant's strong arms tightening around Amanda to hold her quivering body in place, and she finally collapses against the brunette's chest in an overwhelmed manner, hiding her face in Olivia's neck while she cries.
"I'm sorry, Liv," she pants in despair, clutching onto the sides of Olivia's wrinkled pajama shirt with fingers that won't stop shaking, simultaneously wanting to push the older woman away and cling to her like she intends on never letting go. "I'm sorry I haven't done a better job of controlling my feelings for you. I know it's wrong but I really didn't mean to fall in love with you-"
The rest of Amanda's confession is abruptly cut off as she feels Olivia's smooth hands grasping onto the sides of head and lifting her face away from her neck, their lips crashing together so quickly that the gesture leaves Amanda gasping with shock into Olivia's mouth. Their first kiss is sloppy and emotional and full of need, Amanda feeling another round of tears rushing down Olivia's cheeks as the droplets of water mingle in with her own, arms winding around backs and fingers tangling into hair as their breasts press together in a deliciously intimate fashion.
There is an air of desperation in the kiss, like they can't get enough of each other and are about to be ripped apart after waiting so long to take this gigantic step, Amanda still in a state of absolute shock that Olivia not only reciprocates her feelings but had been the one to initiate this passionate interaction between them, responding with a fervor that she has never felt with anyone else. Before she even realizes what she is doing, Amanda has pushed Olivia down onto the cushions and is straddling her hips, a soft moan from the older woman vibrating against her mouth as they continue to devour one another and her hands slide beneath Olivia's pajama shirt to dance across the warm, bare skin of her stomach.
She can feel the brunette's muscles clenching beneath her touch, a swatch of goosebumps rising under her fingertips as she traces them sensually along Olivia's ribs, Amanda sliding her pajama-clad leg between two strong thighs and Olivia automatically grinding into her. The heat from her boss' core is evident right away, even through both layers of their flannel bottoms, and Amanda's panties are pasting themselves to her skin as she feels an immediate flood of wetness at the juncture of her thighs.
She is acutely aware that the two of them are still shedding tears as they kiss so frantically on the couch, all of the pent-up emotions from the past several months rising to the surface and exploding so swiftly that Amanda can barely get a handle on everything that is happening. Knowing full well that Noah might awaken at any moment from another nightmare, looking for his mother and calling out for her in fear or even deciding to leave Olivia's bed and come join them in the living room, finally has Amanda pulling back and gazing lovingly down at the woman beneath her.
Olivia is staring right back at her, the generous swell of her chest heaving with every breath she takes and her face awash in tears, Amanda's hand drifting to the brunette's wet skin to wipe them away once again, before doing the same to herself as she drags an arm across her damp face. Her eyelashes are glued together with the remnants of her own tears and her entire body feels like it's on fire as she struggles to come down from this sudden magnificent high, terrified of what will happen when Olivia begins to see reason.
"Wow, we're quite a pair, aren't we?" she chuckles weakly as she reluctantly slides off of Olivia's curvy body to sit back down onto the cushions beside her, trying to catch her breath as the older woman does the same. "Both of us bawling our eyes out while we kiss for the first time. Not exactly something that a couple of badass cops such as ourselves usually do, huh? I guess the last several months have taken quite a toll on us."
Olivia laughs quietly in return as she shifts into a sitting position next to Amanda and they perch there shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh on the soft cushions, the older woman's hand seeking her own and Amanda obliging right away by tangling their fingers together and giving a tender squeeze. Olivia squeezes back and Amanda's heart flutters pleasantly when the lieutenant leans her head down on her shoulder, silky dark hair tickling her nose and the faint scent of vanilla surrounding them.
"Amanda, what you said before about falling in love with me-" Olivia cuts herself off as Amanda instantly stiffens beside her, the other woman's fingers tightening around her own like she is intent on holding her in place so she doesn't try to escape again. "You don't need to apologize for that," her boss continues gently. "It's not something that you can control. You can't help who you fall in love with."
"But I tried to control it," Amanda mumbles in a somewhat shamed tone, her chest aching with the knowledge that while Olivia obviously reciprocates her feelings in terms of a physical attraction and a strong friendship, it likely doesn't go much deeper than that, and steels herself for the devastating rejection that is sure to come.
"I've tried so hard but I can't make it stop. I've never loved anyone like I love you, Liv. It's all I can think about; how much you mean to me and how much Noah means as well." Amanda knows that she needs to stop talking; that if Olivia is about to reject her, it's better if it happens sooner rather than later, but she can't seem to put a halt to the words that have been bottled up inside for so long and are determined to coming spewing out at last. "When Cassidy came back into your life, I don't think I've ever been that jealous before. I thought I was going to go crazy while he was here."
"Yes, I noticed," Olivia replies dryly, a trace of amusement evident in her tone before she turns serious again. "I know I've been wrapped up in my own drama for quite awhile now, but that doesn't mean I haven't recognized the gradual change that has been taking place between us; the shifting of certain feelings."
There is a hint of hope bubbling inside of Amanda now, wondering if perhaps she is mistaken about the way the rest of this night is going to play out and maybe there is something deeper that Olivia feels beneath the lust and desire that had so swiftly consumed them. "So what are you saying, Liv?" she asks very softly, trying to keep the vulnerability and longing from her voice but knowing she has failed when Olivia's head lifts up from her shoulder and that soulful gaze is boring into her own once more.
"I'm saying that I feel the same way," Olivia says gently, a slow smile stretching across her face even as the tears start welling in her eyes again. "I'm in love with you, Amanda, and I have been for quite some time now."
Amanda is struck utterly speechless at this announcement, her eyes widening slightly and her jaw falling open, at a loss for words as it fully sinks in that her boss and best friend is in love with her; panic suddenly stabbing through the elation as it dawns on her yet again just what this means for the future. "Liv, it doesn't matter how we feel about each other," she murmurs in heartbroken reply, watching Olivia's eyebrows draw together in a concerned frown. "You're my lieutenant and I'm your detective. I'm all for breaking some rules here and there, as I'm sure you know by now, but not if it means you might lose your job."
"Amanda, I want you to listen to me," Olivia answers with quiet vehemence, the older woman's hand raising in the air to stroke along a prominent cheekbone. "One thing that I've come to realize during all of the chaos and heartache of the past several months is just how precious and fleeting life is; that you can't waste a single second of it and you have do what makes you happy. Everything can be turned upside down in an instant and we never know what's going to happen next. Sometimes we just have to take that leap of faith."
"But you've worked so hard to get to where you are now," Amanda argues in return, although there is not a lot of strength left in her voice at this point, and all she wants to do is sink back into Olivia's comforting embrace and kiss her again. "I don't want to ruin anything for you."
"You've worked very hard too, honey, and you're not going to ruin anything," Olivia assures her softly, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed as the other woman presses a light kiss to her forehead. "There are ways to make it work between us. We'll figure something out once we've had time to process this a little more."
Amanda is trembling with a mixture of exhaustion and yearning as she wraps an arm around Olivia's waist and places a quick kiss on her cheek, torn between laying her head on the brunette's shoulder and falling into a deep sleep, and throwing Olivia back down onto the cushions so they can pick up right where they had left off. She is both giddy and terrified when she dares to think of the future they could possibly have together, knowing there will most likely be some major changes to come, but anything that happens will be more than worth it if she can spend the rest of her life with this extraordinary woman who has her whole heart.
"I love you so much, Liv," Amanda breathes fiercely, immensely relieved to actually be able to say the words and ecstatic that Olivia feels exactly the same, snuggling closer to her on the couch as the darkness of the night slowly begins giving way to a promising new dawn.