Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. I don't even own the plot. How sad is that?

Summary: Response to Kantayra's Challenge #4. Just a ficlet, as usual.  Having one bathroom and a house full of people who all need to use it, who knows what could happen?

Timeframe: Season 7, sometime between Storyteller and Lies My Parents Told Me.

Author's Note: Just a fun thing I wrote late on a Saturday night. Don't make the mistake of thinking I actually came up with the plot. It's all a challenge from Kantayra. I just went along for the ride.

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Twenty Women; One Shower—You Do the Math

-by Prophet of Doom

Any modern architect with half a mind would sit down and think about average living conditions today before setting out to build a house. An average family may have a father, mother, and perhaps two children, a girl and a boy, for the sake of diversity. Each should have their own room, barring the shared room of the married couple. There must be a kitchen, a living room, a dining room, and so on, to accommodate the standard, well-off American family. But the issues, of course, are the bathrooms.

            The men must have space to shave and practice manly, intimidating looks as well as charming, broody gazes in the mirror. The women need room to perform the much-needed rituals of the morning; washing, skin care, make-up, hair, anything and everything that will ultimately amount in perfection. All these tasks obviously can't take place in just one bathroom. In fact, the thought that each person should have their own area isn't as entirely ludicrous as other, non-spoiled Americans may think. So, one can't help but wonder why, oh why, did the architect who built the house on 1630 Revello Drive fail to think of such vital details as these?

            The world may suffer as a consequence.

            After all, an unhappy army isn't a good army, is it? And lack of bathroom space is certainly a cause to be unhappy.

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            "ARG! Are you finished yet?"

            "No!"

            Buffy took a deep breath, trying to calm the rage burning inside her. "Dawn, your hair is shiny enough. Now let somebody else use the bathroom!"

            You could practically hear the eye-roll. "Come on, Buffy, you of all people should know the true importance of looking presentable for others."

            "Dawn, its Saturday! You wont even be leaving the house!"

            "And our house is filled with as many people as my English class. There's not much of a difference!"

            Buffy's shoulder's slumped, resigned to the fact that her sister wouldn't be relinquishing the bathroom anytime soon. She trudged down the hall, wondering how they would survive an apocalyptic battle with only one bathroom. Reaching the kitchen, she grimaced at the sheer amount of cereal that had somehow managed to gather on the counter. She grabbed a box of Corn Flakes, glowering at the cheery rooster grinning back at her. She slammed several cabinets during her task of making breakfast, hoping that somehow, the banging would reach the bathroom, reminding her sister just how much she disliked her at the moment.

            "Whoa, no abuse on the cabinets." Willow looked up from her bowl of Rice Krispies, lips quirking at the scowl on her friends face. "What's up?"

            Buffy whirled on the witch. "Is there some way to magically add bathrooms to this house? Or, just, put a barrier spell on it that doesn't let anyone in but me?"

            Willow chuckled. "Resenting the space limitation?"

            "Resenting the impossibility of ever getting time in it!"

            Willow shrugged. "What can you do?"

            Buffy's eyes got a rather frightening gleam. "Well, I can slaughter my sister…"

            "I'm thinkin' that's not the best approach."

            She was answered with a massive sigh. "Yeah, yeah. I guess I just need to blow off some steam. I'll take the girls on patrol tonight. Hopefully I'll get to kill something big and scary."

            Willow nodded. "Hey, and you can take a nice, long shower afterwards."

            "Joy."

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            "God, I need a shower."

            Patrol had been excellent. They had run across a group of four humongous, scaly, sort of greenish-purplish demons, all sporting long, spiky tails. The girls had taken on two together, while Buffy and Spike had dispatched of the other two. Nothing could have been better to release some tension. That was, until her demon let out burst after burst of this dark blue, decidedly disgusting goo that had conveniently found a home all over her. Slaying sucked.

            Beside her, Spike smirked. "Ah, you should feel honored, pet. Yours was the only one with the lovely parting gift. You were chosen again!"

            The glare she sent towards the vampire would have had lesser men running for cover. "Really not in a jokey mood, Fang."

            Spike merely chuckled, pleased at the unpleasant reaction. Buffy rolled her eyes. God, vampires are so weird.

            Upon reaching Revello Drive, Buffy nearly threw herself through the door in her haste to reach the bathroom first. There is NO way I don't get the first shower! She thought, as she dashed up the stairs and through the bathroom door, thinking of nothing but the warm water that would soon be washing away the nasty demon residue.

            Ah, showers are God's gift to the world, the happy slayer thought, trying to banish the blue tint from her normally golden hair. She peeked her head out, looking for her extra bottle of conditioner. Seeing it at the edge of the bathtub, near the wall, she reached forward, barely even noticing the door swinging open, leaving her in plain sight, for none other than…Spike.

            He immediately froze, his eyes widening monumentally to match the size of her own. They both stared at each other, stuck in an endless, painfully embarrassing moment, before he shook his head, his eyes quickly darting to the floor.

            "Uh, um…sorry, er…."

            "Uh…could you, maybe…close the door?"

            "Oh, heh, um…yeah." In a flash of black and peroxide, the vampire practically sprinted out of the room. Too shocked to comprehend what had just happened, she hardly even heard the pounding of his feet as he ran downstairs, shutting the basement door firmly behind him.

            When she finally shook herself out of her stupor, she shrugged. Oh well. At least he's embarrassed too. She winced at the thought that it could happen again. Better hurry up with the shower, then.

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            Fresh, clean, and purposefully ignoring the humiliating memory of Spike walking in on her, Buffy strode out of the bathroom, only to jump out of the way as a stream of SITs flew past her, all racing to reach the bathroom first. Vi won the race, and with an uncharacteristic, "Ha!", she had disappeared through the door, leaving the remaining competitors to look around sullenly, vowing to be the first to get there for the next opening. Buffy smiled, extremely grateful she had already had her turn, and made her way to her room, a new spring in her step.

            Meanwhile, Xander, Dawn, Anya, and Andrew sat in the living room, preparing to play Star Wars Monopoly. But, apparently, there was a great controversy between the two men about who got to be Darth Vader.

            "Come on! I was actually evil! I just want to join with a kindred spirit!" Andrew was saying, trying to pry the tiny metal figure from Xander's clutches.

            "Oh, as if. You were so not evil! You didn't do anything bad. You were just lame."

            Andrew looked offended. "I was too evil!"

            Dawn raised an eyebrow. "Is this supposed to be making us like you more?"

            The (perhaps only) natural blonde sniffed. "You didn't let me finish. As I was saying," he glared at Dawn at this, "I'm on a path of redemption, just like Darth Vader."

            Xander flailed his arms about wildly. "He died before he could do anything redeeming!"

            "Well, he would have done something if he hadn't."

            Anya, who'd been quietly watching the amusing scene, had finally had enough. "Oh, Christ, Xander, give him the stupid piece! You can be Obi Won or something."

            "No! I had Darth first."

            "Ah! You so did not! You took it from me!"

            Rolling her eyes, and trying to block out the full-out argument that had broken out between the two most immature residents of the house, Anya threw herself to her feet, and stomped upstairs. She headed to the bathroom for a bit of time alone. Heh. Wrong place to go. 

            She strolled in, never noticing Vi until she heard her squeak of surprise. She turned towards the girl, watching the potential vainly trying to cover herself with the flimsy shower curtain. She shook her head.

            "Don't worry. Nothing I haven't seen before. And you have nothing to hide. You have a lovely body. Must be all the Slayer training."

            Vi just stared at the friendly intruder with a mild amount of horror at her predicament.

            Dawn, searching for the missing player in their doomed game of Monopoly, finally found her, talking animatedly to the terrified girl in the shower.

            "Anya! Let her alone!"

            Anya looked slightly surprised. "Oh! Right, then. Enjoy your shower!"

            Vi gawked at the newly closed door, reminding herself over and over again to have a little talk with Buffy.

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            "It has been brought to my attention that we've had a slight problem with shower interruptions. Being my duty to prevent war of any kind, under any circumstances, I, with the help of Dawn and Willow, have arranged a shower schedule, to avoid further issues."

            Buffy looked around at the massive group, all gathered around the living room for the dire meeting. Hmm. This is probably the most attention anyone has ever paid to me during one of my speeches. Buffy mused. She looked pointedly at Andrew.

            "The board, please."

            Andrew gleefully hopped over to where he had stored his board, delighted that his beloved creation was finally of use to the small army. He handed it over to Buffy, who held it up in front of the group.

            "Alright. The rules. Each shower will last a half an hour, and no more. Any complications, meaning running out of shampoo, forgetting a razor, so on and so forth, are not excuses to prolong your shower. You can all deal with it by yourselves. Are we all clear?"

            She was greeted by numerous nods, and a few 'hmms'.

            "Good. Now, here's how it goes. Willow will get the first shift, which starts at 6:00 AM. Early, yes, but you'll have to deal with it. Anya will take the second, and Dawn gets the third. Kennedy gets the 7:30 shift, and Molly gets the next one. After that is Vi, then Rona. At 10:30, after Rona's shift, there will be an eating break, followed by some training. The showers will start up again at 3'o'clock, when Amanda has her shift…"

            The 'army' listened intently, all concerned about the growing problem of shower availability. They continued to pay close attention as Buffy named shifts that went up to 11:30, which marked official 'lights out' time for all. At the end of the meeting, Buffy was satisfied that their problem was solved, putting the board back in the corner, having served its use.

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            The next morning, things were all but calm. Some of the early breakfast eaters were quite startled to hear a loud shriek, followed by the sound of running footsteps. A distinct yell was heard.

            "This is my shift! Get out!"

            "Your shift ends at 8!"

            "It's 7:51!"

            "No! My watch say's its 8:04! You're already on overtime!"

            "Your watch is wrong! Its probably still on England time, you freak."

            "No, my watch is more on-time than anyone's. I set it specifically—"

            A different voice was heard then. "Girls! Stop yelling. It's 7:58."

            Presumably, the first voice was smirking, because the third voice, identified to be Buffy's, then said, "Meaning, you have two minutes to finish your shower."

            This, apparently, shocked the first voice out of its smirking, because the statement was quickly followed by a loud slam of the door, and what one could only guess was a very hurried shower end. The residents of the kitchen merely shrugged, assuming it to be a small kink of the relatively new plan. It probably wouldn't happen again.

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            "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!" A startled screech pierced the air, followed by the sound of yelling.

            "What are you doing? It's my turn!"

            "No it's not! Get out!"

            "Buffy said it was Andrew's turn! I'm Andrew!"

            "She said Andrea! Now leave!"

            Andrew's voice turned curious. "Wait, who's Andrea?"

            "I am!"

            "We have an Andrea?"

            "GET OUT!"

            Then, a bit quieter. "Uh, now that I'm already here and all…"

            "OUT! Aren't you supposed to be gay, anyway?"

            The next comment sounded more surprised than offended. "What? I mean, no! Where did you hear a thing like that? That's ridiculous!"

            "Good-BYE!"

            "Fine, fine, whatever."

            A few more shrugs from the innocent passer-bys. Just one or two mistakes. It'll probably not happen again.

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            Spike happily sighed, as he enjoyed what seemed like the first shower he'd had in months. Christ, those bloody girls take up so much time! The vampire lamented, loving the feeling of the warm water cascading down his perfectly sculpted body. So lost was he in the sensations that he didn't notice Rona come in to grab her lip gloss, freezing at the sight of the gorgeous creation that had so stupidly forgotten to close the shower curtain. Praying that he didn't notice her, she leaned slightly against the doorjamb, trying to take in as much of this salty goodness as she could.

            Molly, while passing the overused room, glanced curiously at Rona, before catching a glimpse of the stunning being her friend was so openly ogling. Before she could even think, she had stopped right next to the other potential, gazing with longing at the most spectacular God ever to walk this earth.

            So focused they were on the vampire, that they didn't even notice when Dawn spotted them, about to chastise them for their invasion of privacy before seeing her friend, and deciding to join in on the voyeurism as well. One by one, teenage girls gathered in the doorway, all struggling to stare at him for as long as they possibly could without getting caught.

            Spike, blissfully unaware that he was the star in a rather PG-13-rated porn show, began humming, bouncing his peroxide head to the tune as he washed any reminders of patrol away. When he sensed it was near the end of his shift, he turned off the water, and rubbed his eyes, bending down to grab his towel. The sight he met upon turning around was a group of at least 13 girls, all trying to get a better look at his naked body.

            "ERARGUARAAAA!!!!!" with a rather unintelligible yell, the vampire slipped on the tile, landing on the floor in an ungraceful heap, trying vainly to detangle his towel from his legs to cover more important parts.

            Realizing they had been caught, most of the girls tried to make a run for it, emitting a few small yelps of surprise, while a couple of the more foolish ones tried to stay and enjoy the show up to the point where the vampire physically ran them out. It was only a matter of time before his shock turned to anger, but until then, it was a rather amusing, while still quite lovely sight.

            Buffy, drawn to the room by the multiple squeals and the one roar, abruptly stopped in the doorway, staring at the still fumbling vampire trying to extract himself from the floor.  Her eyes widened momentarily, before her possessive nature kicked in, and she whirled on the remaining girls.

            "Hey, peeping toms much? What are you guys doing?"

            Rona, being the first at the show, decided to speak up. "How could we not watch this? Come on, tell us that you don't wish that you'd been here to see too."

            With a sly smile, Buffy replied. "I've already seen it all." When the girl's eyes widened, she took her move. "Now, out." The remaining voyeurs complied, moving out in opposite directions, all trying to save the memory of the undead Adonis in their minds. When Buffy was satisfied there were no stragglers, she turned back the her vampire, still awkwardly heaped on the floor, but no longer struggling, just watching her with amusement.

            "Nice diversionary tactic."

            Buffy smirked back. "How could you possibly not notice you had an audience?"

            Spike merely shrugged. Buffy shook her head. "You are so impossible, y'know that? Well, your shift's almost up, anyway. Hurry on then." Sparing him another quick glance, she snickered.

            Spike just raised one eyebrow. "Well, I guess its just payback for me walkin' in on you the other day."

            Buffy nodded in agreement. "S'pose so."

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            Once again, everyone was gathered in the Summers living room, Buffy standing before them all. Her gaze swept over the awkward bunch, preparing for her newest addition to the 'Buffy Speech' Collection. Taking a deep breath, she began.

            "As I'm sure you've all noticed, the new shower schedule hasn't exactly worked." After glancing at the various nods and 'hmms', she continued. "Therefore, after a rather long conference between Willow, Dawn, and myself, we believe we've finally come to a final conclusion."

            Everyone held their breath (except Spike), waiting to see what the new plan to thwart their problem would be. Buffy sighed deeply, and shook her head in resignation.

            "Guys, next time…just lock the door."

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Author's Note: Yeah. Really silly, very Spike-happy. But hey, what else do I ever write? Reviews would be very much liked. Otherwise, just remember the darts. And the dodging. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, check my other stories' notes. Oh, and read them on the way. Heh. Really subtle hint there, dontcha think?