Civil Affairs

Chapter 26

Found

I realized only after we got back to my house that this was the first time he had actually been inside it, except for when he had come to me as Tobiro's father and came to say good-bye before his mission.

Even on the day we formally met, I remembered getting the man to come in had been difficult and he'd only done so with Genma's clear acceptance of his presence. Whenever Kakashi came to pick me up for an outing he usually never came passed the welcome mat as per what I could only describe as some unspoken ninja etiquette. I had always noticed it - except for Gai and Genma no ninja ever came beyond my threshold even if I invited them in. My big brother claimed this was my home but somehow I still felt the 'ninja rules' from the days we had lived together were in effect.

This hesitation to enter had been consistent the entire time I'd known Kakashi. He always acted like he didn't belong when he came into my home. He always acted like he was in enemy territory and he could never relax.

I hadn't thought much into this behavior, since it was what I termed 'ninja business', until now when a desperate part of me saw a weary Kakashi hesitate at my threshold. He leaned slightly against the doorframe - a singular, onyx eye scanning over my living room and kitchen. He didn't remove his sandals or his flak vest and despite the tired stoop of his shoulders remained standing.

"Kakashi, you can come in." I emphasized, vaguely annoyed. Having him behave this way was inconvenient and would only get in the way of the rest of my plans. I had so much to talk to him about and if he was strung tighter than a bowstring we'd never be able to get through it all. Never mind that he was a jonin and probably spent most of his life on edge without incident - I still found it difficult to work with.

I felt that indigestion feeling in my chest and I swallowed thickly. I suddenly wished I still had some antiacides on hand because I'd had that weird feeling most of the night. It was going to make it hard to concentrate.

The silver-haired man didn't move to come any further into my place, but he did bend to remove his sandals which, I suppose, was better than nothing. I let out a large exhale through my nose while I watched him. I pondered what to do. On one hand, no amount of words would get him passed the entrance of my house and even if they did, he wouldn't relax one bit.

By the time his second sandal was off, and he moved to place them both neatly on the mat, I had made a decision.

Wordlessly I stalked forward and grabbed him by the hand, jerking him further into my home. I knew all it would take for him to stop me would be a gentle flick of his wrist. He had more strength in one finger then I had in my entire body and could have easily shrugged me off. But for some reason the man didn't and just let me drag him to the center of my living room. Perhaps because of our tentative friendship or even just my civilian status, he thought shoving me off would be rude.

"Take off your clothes." The words burst from my mouth before I realized how bad they sounded. In response to my blunder I just made sure to maintain my usual passive mask, mentally checking its integrity and ensuring it didn't crack. If I acted embarrassed, it would only make the situation worse.

The man and I were suddenly in a staring contest, his singular onyx eye burrowing into mine as he seemed to quietly think on my request.

"I just meant you need a shower, it's clear you haven't washed in months, and while you're at it I will wash your clothes." I added for good measure, fighting against my embarrassment avidly. It was just like me to say something bluntly and have it misinterpreted.

Thankfully, after a few short moments, it appeared the man had understood my intentions because he didn't make a lude comment or playful quip like I had expected. At first, I thought he was just removing his flak vest but soon after I got the impression he wasn't going to stop.

I hadn't meant for him to strip in the living room, but I supposed as long as he was modest about it we wouldn't have an issue. I was a grown woman after all. I had seen my fair share of bare chests and briefs before. So, I didn't bother to stop him and more or less just found myself thankful he was cooperating. I expected him at this point to strip down to his underwear and then let me direct him to the shower.

As I anticipated his shirt and then his mask came off next. Each article of clothing he folded before placing in my outstretched hands. His forehead protector. He unclipped his sword and ANBU mask from his belt, laying the sword against the couch and the white mask on the cushions. His pants came last.

Then, to my silent horror, he shamelessly shed his underwear and placed them on top of the pile. In shock I willed myself to keep my eyes fixed on his now uncovered face, my eyes finding the beauty mark near his mouth and fixating on it.

"I didn't mean all the way." I said in a dry tone, "You have no shame, do you?"

The question was rhetorical, but I watched as he shot me a grin. It was so big and bright, that it forced his mismatched eyes to close into a crescent shape.

"Not really." He replied and I became fascinated by the way his mouth moved when he talked.

He was nice to look at.

I wasn't typically the sort to pay men much attention when there was no alcohol involved but even I had to admit that he was attractive.

At that thought I couldn't help but feel displeased with myself and formed my mouth into a hard, unimpressed line. I willed myself to stop looking at the rest of his face and just focus on the beauty mark again because, by itself, there was nothing about it to distract me.

Still, with where my eyes were locked onto his beauty mark, I had a clear view of his big grin and my eyes eventually strayed up to the rest of his face again.

I found his smile intriguing. Not only because this was the first time I'd seen it but because I had made assumptions about it. I had always assumed that he had exaggerated the way his eyes closed when he smiled to make it more obvious that he was smiling underneath his mask. In fact, I often suspected he didn't smile at all and just closed his eyes to give the impression he was.

To my surprise this was genuine. His grin was wide, his cheeks raised high enough to force his eyes closed in a smile that lit up his entire face.

"You really do smile like that." I pointed out bluntly.

He blinked at my statement and I saw the gears turning as he mulled over what I had just said.

"Like what?" He questioned, clearly not taking my meaning and it showed in his face. I had seen Kakashi's face before, but we had been in a vastly different situation - subdued in my office with little to talk about but grim subjects. He hadn't been very happy then and now, in hindsight, I realized it had shown on his face.

"Like you mean it." I responded simply and involuntarily shrugged at my own words - despite my arm full of dirty clothes.

Kakashi Hatake had a very expressive face.

Every emotion he had was very clearly displayed in his features...even if it didn't match his tone of voice. I supposed that made sense. Kakashi had told me that he'd worn his mask since childhood and, now that I thought about it, it made sense that he'd never learned how to control his facial expressions.

When I thought of Kakashi, I knew that he had an impressive mastery over his voice. Kakashi's tone never revealed anything he was really thinking unless he wanted it to.

However, now I knew that if you could just see his face you would realize he was an open book. Perhaps that was one of the reasons he maintained it. Maybe he realized his face was too easy to read. He was smart enough to understand that his handsome, expressive face was now his weakness.

Wait...handsome?

...what?

"The bathroom is up the stairs and the first door on the left." I shot out suddenly, desperately trying to avoid my own thoughts. The way I had tripped over myself earned me a look of surprise from the silver-haired jonin. He raised an eyebrow at me - one onyx and one red eye burrowing into me. "There's some men's shampoo and soap already in there."

Kakashi shot me an inquisitive look and it didn't take me long to realize why. His facial expressions were so...obvious. For some reason he seemed to intently desire the answer to his unspoken question: why do you have men's shampoo and soap?

By extension, his question became: is there a man?

It never occurred to me to date anyone after I became pregnant with Tobiro. Contrary to what most people guessed; this wasn't due to misplaced loyalty towards the father of my child. I simply had never been interested in dating before my pregnancy and afterwards my son would be my priority. Who had time to date men when you were putting all your effort into raising a son? Because it would have been all my effort. I would've been 120% a mother. That is what I told myself anyway.

If I were going to have a little person everything else, maybe even my responsibilities for the CAO, would fall by the wayside. Nothing would have been more important to me than raising Tobiro.

I hadn't realized Kakashi had anticipated that I would keep dating: despite the fact that we'd discussed romance wasn't in my nature. It wasn't impossible, especially since most of the couples I knew met when they least expected it and sort of...fell into one another. Tamaki and Ibiki. Himari and Gai.

Just to name a few.

In the past we'd talked about how each of us felt about romantic relationships and we established that we both shared a similar attitude. My libido was low, and my life was busy, I had the CAO and Tobiro; a lover would just get in the way and wouldn't be worth the effort. Kakashi had admitted he couldn't commit to a romantic partner because he disliked the responsibilities that came with one.

Despite our different reasoning it was one of the few things we had in common.

However, the whole conversation was now based on a circumstance that was irrelevant. Since we had lost Tobiro, there was no longer anything another man could do to interfere with Kakashi's life. Bringing another man into my life held no impact for Kakashi.

The only thing I could imagine was that perhaps, being the lonely sort, he was worried our friendship would crumble if I found a lover. Since we did not have Tobiro. It was honestly an unfounded fear.

If I did meet a man, get married and have children, I would still always have Kakashi. Just like I would always have Genma, Tamaki and everyone else I'd grown close to over the years.

We had shared an experience together that had been both so terrifying and wholesome that I doubted anything could come between the bond we'd forged as a result.

I just couldn't see giving up my friendship with Kakashi, after all we'd been through, not even for a lover. We had thought we were going to be parents together...we had thought we were going to raise a son together. Side by side. We had adjusted to the idea, planned for it, became excited for it, then experienced the same devastating loss...we had shared so much in such a short time.

Last year I had gotten pregnant around April and hadn't actually met Kakashi until July. With everything we had been through it was hard to believe that this time last year he had been a stranger. A brief nostalgic feeling washed over me as I remembered all the time we'd spent together.

That red bridge over the Itama River, where we hid from Gai to give him and Himari a chance.

The one-hundred honest conversations we had under the night sky.

That time Yuzuha kicked him in the shin.

That time he'd shown me his face in my office, and I learned the reason he wore it.

The visit to Hiashi Hyuuga, and the conversation that followed where we named our unborn son together.

How could experiences like that just be forgotten?

I was coming to realize that nothing about Kakashi and I would ever change. Our friendship was new and tentative but somehow it felt solid. Tobiro, though he hadn't even been born, had both established and solidified my relationship with Kakashi Hatake forever.

It was only then I realized I'd been quiet for some time and I brought myself back to the present. If he wanted to discuss anything he was going to have to wait until he was dressed - I could not focus on anything important if I was too busy trying to avoid seeing his equipment.

"It's Genma's. He stays here sometimes." I finally explained and looked down at the bundle of dirty clothes in my arms, "I'll wash these but they probably won't be done when you get out of the shower so I have a spare set of Genma's clothes. You can wear those for now. I'll set them down outside the bathroom door."

The two men were roughly the same height and build so while they probably wouldn't fit perfectly it would be enough.

He nodded.

"Take your time too," I began after a moment, "I mean, it's clear to me you haven't had one in a while. So, take your time and enjoy it...don't rush on my account."

"Thank you." He responded and while his tone was his typical, casual one his face lit up with a bright grin. I almost flinched. It was hard to get used to seeing his face and while he was nice to look at, I realized I preferred him with his mask on.

...nice to look at…? Where did…?

I was still struggling with that thought when he turned and made his way up the stairs, making it impossible for me to not catch a glimpse of his muscular back and thighs and... I panicked but with my hands full I had no way to cover my eyes and I lacked the willpower to close them. Instead, like a moth to flame, my eyes were drawn against their will to his ass.

His really nice ass.

XxX

I had never been attracted to anyone, man or woman, when I was sober.

Drunk? Drunk I would have sex with anyone anytime. It was like I had a split personality born from suppressed libido. But sober Kiyoko, the one that was me 99.9% of the time? She didn't get her motor going for anyone.

It was with that reminder that I tried to will away the unwelcome ache that had spread in my lower region.

I spent the entirety of Kakashi's two-hour-long shower calming myself down from what I had just witnessed in my own house. Even though I usually didn't feel sexual attraction to, well, anyone I was reeling. I was completely caught off guard by the intense arousal that had swept over me. That was not like me. I did not get aroused...I just did not.

I was so shocked that after he'd disappeared, I'd dropped the clothes on the ground and spent the first few minutes clenching the counter top and shaking.

I didn't exactly have a positive or negative view of sex which had evolved into me forgetting it was a factor of life most of the time.

When I was younger, Atsuko had gotten tired of my lack of interest in the opposite sex. She told me it wasn't reasonable or healthy. She told me I was weird.

So, she had gotten me a boyfriend. Atsuko had got it into her head that having an adoring boyfriend would make me more confident and that it would give me the strength I needed to make friends. She had been trying to help. She had been completely misguided but her heart had been in the right place and I could never really blame her for it. Especially now that she was gone. I realized life was too short and unpredictable to be upset with your family over such trivial things.

The guy she chose had 'liked' her and she had met him at the market when she was running errands for Genma - but she already had a boyfriend at the time. Instead she proposed that he date me since we were 'practically the same anyway'.

He didn't really like her, otherwise he would've never been okay with dating me instead. If he knew the first thing about either of us, he would have known we were different people. All he did by agreeing was prove that he didn't really like her in the first place.

It was a dumb idea. I shouldn't have agreed to it, but I didn't know how to find a boyfriend myself, was young and Atsuko was not just my twin but my only friend. I hadn't wanted her to think I was weird anymore. What would it say about me if my own sister thought I was too weird to hang out with? Of course, adult Kiyoko realized that my sister loved me and that fear was unfounded. But for lonely, student Kiyoko it had been a paralyzing fear.

He was an okay boyfriend. He took me on dates, was polite and put effort into our relationship. Overall, it wasn't a complete waste of time...but I always knew that I was nothing but a consolation prize to him. When I convinced myself I was ready I'd lost my virginity to him because it was what I was supposed to do. You were supposed to sleep with your boyfriend.

It hadn't been an enjoyable experience. Mostly I just remember feeling unimpressed and waiting for it to be over. I remember realizing near the end that I hadn't even been aroused but had decided that now was the time anyway since I was never aroused.

It wasn't until after I'd told Atsuko about it, her face shifting from scandalized to horror over the course of my retelling, that I realized I wasn't even attracted to him. I had let him do all that to me...and I didn't even find him attractive. He'd even called me Atsuko which had somehow made me feel small and undesirable on top of everything else.

With Atsuko's encouragement I broke up with him.

My twin had been devastated after she realized the pain her plan had caused, apologizing profusely, and doing extra things to help me for months - tears in her eyes the whole time. It was the first and last time I had ever seen her look so ashamed. Admittedly it wasn't a look I liked on her. She was supposed to be shameless, vibrant, and energetic. Yet she held herself accountable for what happened in a way that I had never seen.

I grew from that experience and learned that I couldn't force myself to be in a romantic relationship. My libido was so low that I just wouldn't enjoy it and when I didn't enjoy it somehow that always resulted in lowering my self-esteem.

If I forced myself then I would relive how I had felt after I'd lost my virginity which wasn't a good feeling. I hated that feeling of both questioning and scolding myself; if I don't even enjoy it, then why am I letting him do this to me? If I was agreeing to have sex, not because I wanted to but because I felt I should, then didn't that 'get the job done' mindset make me no better then someone who was paid for sex? If I don't enjoy it then why am I allowing it?

It wasn't a fun mindset to have so I just decided not to have sex unless I was aroused like everyone else. Even if I knew I never got aroused.

When alcohol was involved it was a different tune, my libido easily skyrocketed to a 12 on a scale of 10 but sober I didn't feel anything.

But there was something about that ass. It was borderline infuriating.

A man that attractive doesn't have a right to exist…

Wait...what?

I yanked the washing machine door open a little harder than necessary and flushed in embarrassment despite myself. I took a deep breath.

Kakashi Hatake...was the only man I'd ever been attracted to sober but that meant nothing. It had been a complete fluke and there was nothing to it. I was caught off guard by the fact he stripped naked in my living room so shamelessly. I was tired. I had a long day. Not to mention that technically I had slept with him before. Maybe there was something deep in my subconscious that was reacting to an unknown memory - though even that theory invited implications that I didn't care to explore.

It meant absolutely nothing.

Not a damn thing.

...for the first time I caught myself wishing I remembered something about the night I'd spent with him…

No.

No. No. No.

I shook my head and grabbed the wet clothes out of the washer, moving them over to the dryer in one fluid movement. I had to bring my mind back to more important topics. Like the whole reason Kakashi was in my house in the first place. We needed to discuss our little investigation and we needed to come up with an even more solid plan. I'd started everything as best I could, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't enough.

Done with the dryer, I closed the door and turned the dial to start it. I leaned back and pressed my hands against my lower back stretching upwards while I thought about where to start. There was so much to talk about it was hard to decide where to begin.

"Kiyoko-"

The voice startled me, and I jumped, letting out a short screech as a reflex. I whipped around to see who it was. I barely had time to recognize my older brother's brown hair and widened brown eyes before he was gone from beside me. It took me a few seconds to even realize he was suddenly gone before I began searching my living room. My eyes found Genma pinned face down to the ground across the room. Kakashi Hatake was on top of him and using his full weight to keep the other man subdued.

"What the hell are you doing here, Kakashi!?" I heard my brother shout and I would've been scared for him...if it weren't for the fact, he merely sounded annoyed by what had happened. "What right do you have to attack me in my sister's home?"

"Don't sneak around." Was all Kakashi said, his voice was severe, and he didn't move to let the other man up. Gone was his normal casual tone that he used to deal with almost any situation. In that instant I realized that he could not possibly have his mask as it was in the dryer so I crept forward to get a closer look at his face.

It was almost laughable. I wasn't sure how he was holding it in place, but he was using one of my bathroom hand towels to cover his lower face. He was already wearing Genma's spare change of clothes that I had laid out, but it didn't look like he had finished getting ready because his hair was still dripping wet. Though that did nothing to obscure his intense red eye that was beating down on top of my brother's head.

"I wasn't sneaking. I practically live here! I can come and go as I please! What are you doing sneaking around-" he paused briefly and I saw him try to twist his head so he could get a better look at the other man. Which was, of course, hard to do when your face was pressed into the floorboards. "are those my clothes!?"

I held back a sigh as I watched the two ninja struggle on my floor. Genma had managed to permanently chase away all my other thoughts with his sudden appearance for which I was grateful. But I knew already that having Genma and Kakashi together in the same house was going to be a challenge.

This was going to be a long night.