Royal Woods is the adult cartoon version of the Loud House where Lincoln has the power to do anything he wants like materialize things out of nowhere and control how other people act and think since he already breaks the fourth wall by talking to the audience. Viewer/reader discretion from Seth Macfarlane's Family Guy, American Dad, and Cleveland Show along with Trey Parker and Matt Stone's South Park is advised since I may use elements from those shows and any other adult cartoons like Archer. Just so you know this Lincoln will be a jackass so he can always get what he wants since he'll make it so that he will never suffer any consequences. Anything in () is Lincoln's opinion on things and/or what he's manipulating.

Left In The Dark(M rated version)

It's night time at the Loud House as Lincoln Loud in his room closet is watching a commercial on his phone about the season finale of ARGGH!

"Hey guys Lincoln Loud here." Lincoln greeted the readers excited for the new episode of his favorite show.

"Now most of you are wondering after watching the canon version is 'Lincoln, why you don't just go to Clyde's house to watch it?'" Lincoln stated aware of the first easy solution most viewers would think up.

"Well in a later episode Cover Girls(S1E15a) I was doing just that in the beginning but the problem was that I was late for my curfew and would have been in trouble if my sisters hadn't distracted my parents long enough for me to return without them knowing I was gone." Lincoln answered but since Left In The Dark(S1E1a) was the first official episode canon Lincoln most likely never considered going to Clyde's house. (Events in this AU are in chronological order based on the order of the canon episodes in which they're released in the U.S.)

"But enough of explaining away plot holes that the writers didn't consider when making up the episode it's time for Operation ARGGH! Watch to commence!(Yes, I'm better at making operation names than my canon self.)" Lincoln exclaimed as he opened the door and left his room so he can distract his sisters from watching TV themselves.

"Cartoons! Cartoons! Cartoons! Cartoons!" Lana and Lola chanted as came out of their room.

'I don't think so.' Lincoln thought as a bucket filled with mud appeared out of nowhere in his hands before he threw the contents onto Lola.

"AAAAHHHH! MY HAIR! MY FACE! MY DRESS!" Lola screamed in disgust as she rushed for the bathroom to wash the filth off her body.

"I don't see what the big deal is." Lana wondered already looking dirty herself.

"Let me help you with that." Lincoln offered as a different bucket appeared in his hands as he threw the contents onto Lana.

"AAAAHHHH! GLITTER! IT'S SO SHINY AND SPARKLY!" Lana screamed in disgust also rushing to the bathroom to wash off what she considered filth from her body.

As the bathroom door opened and then closed quickly Lincoln can hear Lana and Lola arguing who should take a bath first too disgusted and enraged at each other to not even consider taking one together.(Twins who want to be different from one another am I right?)

"Hey, Luan!" Lincoln greeted as he saw Luan come out of the room she and Luna share.

"Hey, Lincoln. I was just heading downstairs to watch TV." Luan stated as she walked up to him.

"You might want to grab your video camera instead. The twins are at it again." Lincoln advised pointing to the bathroom as the twins yelling can still be heard.

"Heh heh heh. Certain viewers would pay top dollar for that. Thanks Lincoln." Luan laughed in a wicked tone as she went to get her camera to record some pretty explicit content and get paid for it.(I made it so that Luan wouldn't get into trouble with the law for committing something that is obviously a crime.)

After watching Luan go back to her and Luna's room to get her camera Lincoln sees Lisa and Lily exit their room. He grabbed Lily by the tuft of her hair and yanked her up causing her to cry out in pain with Lisa not even acknowledging it at all.

"Hey, Lisa. I saved you a trip downstairs and got that stuff you needed." Lincoln said as he reached for something behind him with his free hand not bothered with Lily thrashing her little arms and legs around.

"The milk, flour, salt, sugar and eggs?" Lisa queried in a clear monotone voice.(I found her lisp and referring to everything in its scientific term to be annoying so I changed that part of her.)

"Yep, here you go." Lincoln said as he showed his free hand with the contents on a tray that he obviously did not have a moment ago.

"Thanks." Lisa simply said as she took the tray and went back to her and Lily's room.(I believe she's going to use those ingredients to make her Glowy O's cookie.)

"WAAAAAH!" Lily cried as she vainly tried to pry her hair out of Lincoln's grip with her pudgy little hands only making the pain of her hair being pulled worsen.

Lincoln didn't have time to ponder what to do with Lily yet before he heard Lynn come out of her and Lucy's room.

"Yeah! Two minutes to game time! Whoo!" Lynn(I'll refer to my father as dad or Lynn Sr.) shouted excitedly wanting to watch sports on TV.

"Hey, Lynn, check it out. I filled it with helium for the extreme player who demands more." Lincoln said with a smile as he held up an American football that appeared suddenly in his free hand.

"I demand more!" Lynn exclaimed intrigued at the prospect of playing with a ball in a new way.("Stereotypes before actual characterization." most writers always say.)

"Well then, go long!" Lincoln yelled as he threw the helium ball in the air.

"I got it!" Lynn declared as she jumped up to try to catch it completely unaware that the ball was thrown in the direction of the stairs. What follows is a cacophony of "Ows!" "Shit!" and "Mother Fucker!" before she finally hit the ground floor.

"Typical Lynn. Always leaping before looking." Lincoln laughed as the final fall knocked Lynn out.(She'll be fine, cartoon logic and all that jazz.)

Lincoln then saw Leni come out of her and Lori's room most likely wanting to watch a fashion show or something along those lines.

"Oh my gosh, Leni!" Lincoln shouted in an obviously fake shocked tone.

"What, is there a spider on me?! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" Leni Screamed as she frantically rubs her head.

"Worse. There's a zit on the end of your nose!" Lincoln answered happy that Leni is easy to trick.(Just like the time I got to fuck her believing that's the best way to show how much I love her as a brother. It's not like I see my "family" and other characters as actual real people.)

"I'm a hideous monster!" Leni screamed crying as she ran towards the bathroom, opening the door, shoving Lana and Lola out, and finally closing the door.

"HEY, I WASN"T DONE YET!" Lana and Lola yelled angrily as they banged on the now locked door(In a hurry they forgot to do so) still wet and naked.

"Oh yeah, show me the goods." Luan whispered with a sinister smile as she peaked at them with her camera recording from her room.(Pedophiles have needs too you know. But they gotta pay.)

Walking past Luan, Luna with her guitar saw her brother and decided to greet him in a way only a rock star would.

"Hey, bro! TV tonight is gonna be rockin'! Yeah!" Luna excitedly declared as she strummed her guitar.

"Or, you can have your very own flashlight rock show in your bedroom." Lincoln offered as he holds out a flashlight with color filters installed out of nowhere again.

Normally Lily would have been intrigued by the flashy lights and try to reach for it but she's busy crying in pain and in her own baby way pleaded for help.(As if anyone here actually cares about the stupid baby.)

"That is sweet! Thanks, Linc!" Luna happily said as she took the flashlight and went back to her room.

"Has anyone seen my phone? I need to live-tweet my show!" Lori asked around as she came out of her and Leni's room.

"I've got a better idea." Lincoln answered as he smiled while licking his lips.

Before Lori could react Lincoln used his free hand placing it on the back of her head to pull her towards him as their lips connected sharing a French kiss with Lincoln's tongue dominating Lori's. After removing his free hand from Lori's head Lincoln used it to fondle her breasts, caressing her butt cheeks, then finally massaging her slit as her panties started to get wet with desire.

"Now what do you need to do again?" Lincoln asked with a sly grin after he separated from his eldest sister.

Lori didn't answer but instead went back to her room locking the door, stripping off her clothes, and lying on her bed before she started to furiously masterbate.(I also had sex with Lori and not only that but I also made her my bitch. It's not my fault that she and Leni are super hot and sexy. Blame it on my forever prepubescent eleven year old horomones.)

Deciding to bang Lori and maybe with Leni as a threesome later Lincoln looked back to Lily who he's still holding by her hair. There's the possibility that she'll keep crying preventing Lincoln from hearing and enjoying his show. He looked around and suddenly got an idea when he spotted the laundry chute(As seen from It's A Loud, Loud, Loud, Loud, House(S1E13b))

"Hey Lily, want to go for a ride?" Lincoln asked deviously as he opened the chute that goes down to the basement where the washer and dryer are.

Despite being fifteen months old and having the mindset of a baby for the rest of her life since nobody ages in the cartoon Lily is aware of the fear and danger that most babies her age have no comprehension to.(Most of the time Lily is the same innocent and ignorant baby character but sometimes I make Lily aware of the fact that we're all fictional cartoon characters and is saddened by the knowledge that she'll never grow up and also terrified that I make it so that everyone would mistreat and abuse her not even caring if(scratch that when) she dies.)

"NO!" Lily screamed with her limited vocabulary as Lincoln tries to put her head first into the chute but was having some trouble as she's using her little hands to grab the sides of the wall so she won't go in it and fall.

"Shut up Lily, at least now you have a reason for appearing in every chapter/episode." Lincoln said with a smile before he punched Lily's diaper wearing butt making her fall down the chute.

"WAAAAaaaaaahhhh!" Lily's scream got harder to hear the farther she went down until it came to a sudden stop when Lincoln heard a "Thud" along with a "Crack" indicating the her head hit the basement floor hard causing her neck to break killing her.(There was no laundry basket below the chute to break her fall and save her.)

"Oh my gosh, you murdered Lily!" Lana yelled in shock.

"You asshole!" Lola shouted in anger.

"Don't you two have something else to worry about?" Lincoln asked as he turned to them.

Lana and Lola remembered their state of undress as they returned to shouting at Leni to open the bathroom door unaware that by turning towards Lincoln Luan's camera was able to get a good view of their front.

"Nine down one to go." Lincoln said to himself since Lucy is the only sister that's left.(I don't get how canon Lincoln can forget that he has ten sisters or even miscount. Having a goth eight year old sister is something you can never forget.)

When Lincoln went downstairs by using the stair railing as a slide he spotted Lucy sitting on the living room couch with her legs crossed.

"Hey Lincoln." Lucy greeted in her low ghastly tone when she saw him.

"Hey Lucy, what are you doing here?" Lincoln asked even though he already knew the answer.

"It's the season premiere of my favorite show, "Vampires of Melancholia"." Lucy answered her neutral face hiding her actual excitement.

"This is the episode of ARGGH! that everyone is going to be talking about at school tomorrow! Please let me watch it? Pretty please with a black cherry on top?" Lincoln pleaded following the script of the actual episode as simply making Lucy leave would end this version prematurely.

"I'm sorry, Lincoln, but you know the rule. I was here first." Lucy stated with her saying 'first' in slow motion.

"noooooo." Lincoln whispered in unconvincing despair while also avoiding the old remote that was thrown in the toilet by Lily.(So she grabbed the remote that was in the first floor living room, crawled up the stairs, opened the bathroom door that's usually closed, and threw it in the toilet?)

"Sorry, Lincoln, I can't miss my vampires. Edwin is so cold, tormented, and mysterious. Sigh. If only he wasn't from another century." Lucy apologized since if it was the other way around she would be more melancholy than she already is about missing her show.

Already knowing where this is going Lincoln continued his scripted lines.

"Another century! That's okay, Lucy. You watch your show on the big color TV. I'll just go watch my show on Dad's crummy, old, black and white TV." Lincoln said wondering why anyone would still have a black and white TV in the 2010's.

"Black and white are my favorite colors." Lucy stated in her version of being intrigued.(No shit Sherlock.)

"Yeah, it'll make watching my show a little bit more... spooky!" Lincoln continued putting emphasis on 'spooky'.

"Spooky is also my favorite color." Lucy declared with a slightly louder tone.(That's not a color Lucy. I just hope she doesn't rant about conformists.)

"Well, enjoy your vampires." Lincoln said as he began to head towards the stairs to get the old TV in the attic.

"Wait! I'll take the old TV!" Lucy said in her version of urgency as she followed Lincoln upstairs.

After effortlessly carrying the old TV from the attic to Lynn and Lucy's room(I'm stronger than Lynn because I want to be.) and placed it on Lucy's bed.

"Here you are. Now to plug it in. So, you can be happy or sad or whatever that emotion is. And I won't be left in the dark." Lincoln said before sighing as he just said the most ironic thing in the episode.

When he plugged in the TV the power in the entire house went out.(How can one old TV short out the power when in The Green House(S1E11b) it was fine despite all the wasteful shit my sisters did?)

The rest of the Loud sisters(Lana and Lola finished their bath and are fully clothed) gathered in the second floor hallway murmuring in confusion about the power outage.

"All right! All right! Everybody just calm down!" Lori ordered very upset that her alone time was interrupted and the fact that her clothes looked like they were hastily put on.

"Guys! I can't see anything! I think I've gone blind!" Leni shouted in panic as she waved her arms in front of her.

"No, you didn't go blind. What the hell happened?" Lori answered rolling her eyes at Leni's stupidity.

"Lucy wanted to watch with the old TV so when I plugged it in it must have caused all the lights to go out." Lincoln replied as he and Lucy came out of her and Lynn's room.

"Thanks a lot Miss Gloomface." Lori sarcastically said looking at Lucy with an angry face along with the rest of the sisters complaining.

Lucy said nothing except her trade mark sigh.

"Hey! I know why the lights went out! Cause they liked each other! Get it?" Luan joked before laughing as everyone else groaned in annoyance.

"That one was so good, it deserved a cookie." Lisa stated as she gave Luan a cookie.

"Oh, thanks." Luan eats the cookie and then tells another joke "So anyway, what did one light bulb say to the other?" but then start to glow.

"You're glowing." Lincoln replied in faux shock.(Knew Lisa was making those.)

"Oh. I already told you that one?" Luan wondered with a disappointed tone.

"No, dude. You are glowing." Luna corrected her green glowing sister.

"Hey, wow!" Luan exclaimed in excitement finally noticing her condition.

"Everyone back away from Luan!" Lori ordered in fear as everyone put distance between them and Luan.

"Lisa, Mom and Dad said you're not allowed to use your siblings except Lily as experimental guinea pigs anymore!" Lori angrily reprimanded Lisa knowing full well it was her cookie that caused it.

"Yeah! Not after what you did to me!" Leni angrily exclaimed remembering the time Lisa's experiment made her face swell up and covered with blemishes.

"Classic. All I did was infuse the bioluminescent DNA of the crystal jelly jellyfish into a cookie. I call them Gloweo's. Besides, now we can see." Lisa explained finding a use for her experiment.

"Okay. Everyone huddle around Luan." Lincoln ordered as they all stuck close to Luan this time.

"I always knew I was the light of your life." Luan giggling at her own joke while everyone else sighed.(She has to contribute to episodes that doesn't need her somehow.)

"Okay. So, how about we get that power back on." Lynn declared wanting to get problem solved as soon as possible.

"Hey, when Mom and Dad are out, Lincoln's in charge. So first, we need to get a head count to make sure we're all here." Lori said as she and the rest of the girls were made believe that Lincoln should be the leader since he's the only male besides their dad.

Lincoln began counting Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, Lola, Lisa...

"And me makes ten. Everyone who matters is here." Lincoln said proudly with no one disagreeing.

"Let's all go find the circuit break to get the lights back on. Where is it again?" Lori asked not remembering where it is.

"The basement." Lincoln answered as he and his sister went downstairs to the first floor.

They all arrived at the door that leads down to the basement with Lori opening it as they all peered down into the dark.

"Alrighty then, Luan lead the way." Lori said clearly scared as she pushed Luan to the front.

"That's the brightest idea you've had all day!" Luan laughed about to go down but halted when she stopped glowing.

"Oooh. I thought I was staying in tonight, but I guess I'm going out!" Luan laughed some more causing everyone else to sigh in annoyance.

"Lisa, give her another one of those cookies. We won't tell." Lincoln ordered since he already killed off Lily.

"Negative. That was the only one. Prototype." Lisa answered while looking at her clipboard.(How can she read in the dark?)

"Just great..." Lori huffed in exasperation before she hears a wooden creak and gasps in fear.

"There's something in the basement! I'm not going down there!" Lori shouted as she started to shiver in fright.

"Ooh! You're scared of the dark!" Lynn taunted with a sly smile.

"I am not! You're the one who's scared." Lori shot back defensively.

"I'm not afraid of anything." Lynn declared puffing her flat chest.

"Boo." Lucy whispered from behind Lynn.

"AAH!" Lynn screamed jumped away from Lucy.

While most of the girls start arguing, the twins start to tremble with fright.

"THERE'S A GHOST IN THE BASEMENT!" Lana and Lola screamed holding each other scared.

"I'm running out of time." Lincoln sighed in annoyance before he slapped the twins backed to their senses which also stopped the others arguing.

It's by this time where Lincoln calls Clyde over with his cellphone to help him only for Clyde to faint and get a nose bleed when he sees Lincoln's bitch.(Wait! So it's okay for Clyde to come over my house at night? Considering how overprotective Clyde's dads are.) This is the first episode remember.

"Whatever, I'll take point but I'll need Luan's camera since it has a night vision setting." Lincoln stated as he opened his palm out to Luan.

"Sure thing Linc." Luan happily said as she handed her camera to Lincoln but not before replacing the video cassette from earlier with a new one.(I get a cut of Luan's XXX rated videos. They only contain my sisters and sometimes my mom but not me.)

The ten siblings go down the stairs and into the base with Lincoln leading looking around with the night vision camera.

"You may want to stay close. There's no telling what could be lurking down here in the dark." Lincoln said dramatically wanting to be like Hunter Specter of ARGGH!.

"There's nothing funny about this situation. Although, I do like dark humor." Luan joked as to keep herself calm.

"Is someone touching my hand?" Leni asked in fright.

"You're touching your own hand." Lynn replied rolling her eyes.

"I hate basements." Lori stated nervously before hearing and eerie sound.

"What's that moaning?!" Lori shouted while she and the girls gasped.

Lincoln points the camera in the direction of the sound.

"Don't freak out. It's just the pipe settling." Lincoln replied seeing a water pipe rattle a little.

"What's that scratching?!" Leni yelled as another collective gasp happened.

"Don't be scared. It's just Cliff the Cat." Lincoln answered seeing one of their pets using his scratching post.

"What is that smell?!" Lynn wondered in disgust as she and the others plugged their noses.

"That's just Lily's corpse with a full diaper. I guess it's true that sometimes when someone dies they crap themselves." Lincoln stated seeing the dead body of Lily whose head is tilted in an odd angle thanks her broken neck and also a diaper filled with shit.

However another noise is heard startling Lincoln and his sisters.

"What is it?!" Luna wondered scared since the noise sounds like a voice.

"Lincoln...LINCOLN..." the voice said in a static like way.

"It's a ghost and it knows my name?" Lincoln wondered with a raised eyebrow.

The girls then start running around screaming and panicking except Lucy who loves the prospect of meeting a ghost.

"Let's find to who the ghost really is!" Lincoln shouted as he rushed towards the so called ghost.

While that was happening Lori stumbled across the circuit breaker and flipped the switch restoring power to the whole house lighting up the basement as well.

"Why is the laundry basket over there?" Lori wondered looking at it strangely not just because there's a voice coming out of it but that it should be below the laundry chute.(I confess was planning on murdering Lily this way so I moved the basket earlier this day.)

Lincoln reached into the dirty clothes and pulled out his walkie talkie and that the voice is Clyde's since he has the other one.

"I knew I misplaced it somewhere." Lincoln stated relieved as he relayed to Clyde who regained consciousness a few seconds ago that they're fine.(It must have fallen in when I was moving the basket away from the chute.)

"Guys! I still can't see!" Leni screamed with her eyes closed.

"Open your eyes." Lisa plainly said rolling her eyes.

"IT'S A MIRACLE!" Leni shouted with glee as she did what Lisa said.

"Now's my chance!" Lincoln declared as he rushes upstairs to watch TV with his sisters following as well.

He runs into Clyde who follows him and when he reaches the living room Lincoln grabs the new remote and turns on the TV and with the power of contrived convenience ARGGH! is just beginning.

"Woohoo!" Lincoln and Clyde shouted in unison as they watched their favorite show.

The girls on the other hand are disappointed that they can't watch their shows.

"Aw well, at least we had a spooktacular adventure." Luan said giggling as she replayed what Lincoln recorded while down at the basement.

The rest of the sisters laughed minus Lucy who just had a small smile as they watched the video.

Meanwhile down at the basement Cliff the cat is now using Lily's corpse as a scratching post.(All in all everyone's happy in the end.)

That's the end of the first chapter/episode of Royal Woods. Tune in next when I feel like it for more.

Lily's death: Blunt trauma on the head for falling into the basement from the second floor and also a severed spinal cord from the neck.

The opening theme is the same but the only difference is that when Lily waddles under the title Death aka the Grim Reaper touches her forehead as she falls on her back dead with her eyes crossed and mouth hanging open.