a/n: Hello! I've been sifting through the mountain of crap in my files when I stumbled into this. After re-reading it, I found it really funny. The plotline was still salvageable, not that it had much of a plotline to begin with (let me get this clear) other than CG EMIYA wrecking the fourth wall and the RWBY universe every chance he got, and I think I wrote this originally as a crack like, almost a year ago (I must have had a few screws loose then). Since it made me laugh, I think I'll continue it but it'll take a backseat from my other fics. Huh, and I thought I told myself that A Fate of Fantasy and Ash would be the last F/sn crossover I'll post here…

warning: Rated T for language. And probably OOC-ness. And AU. Well, fafics are all AU, anyway I guess.

disclaimer: Fact check: rain is wet and the grass is green, the sky is blue and I don't own anything.

What's your favorite fairytale?

A melancholy breeze brushed lifeless dark trees. No leaves swayed, for there were none. The entire forest looked as if all greenery was sucked out of it and left but a hollow foreboding place. The silence that eerily hovered was a pellucid presence; a silence that almost belonged. And yet it didn't.

A shrill sound broke the ambience, a grating noise like paper being torn apart resonating loudly as a rip of space opened in the middle of the forest. Light seeped out from the rip, like blood from a wound, and illuminated the dead trees, casting long dreary shadows. As abrupt as it came, the light disappeared just as quickly. The rip closed itself, shredding dusts of light that faded even before it reached the ground.

That small instance happened not without leaving something behind. In a shallow crevice between the roots of a tree, a bundle of red cloth lay abandoned. Wrapped within was a new born infant, brilliant red hair a sharp contrast to pale pinkish skin. Golden orbs opened and curiously inspected the world he came to.

Like a stone thrown in calm waters, ripples distorted the future's preordained paths. The young child yawned, uncaring and unrepentant for the gears of fate his appearance had set into motion.

Qrow Branwen was having a bad day. No, actually, make that a bad fucking year!

"Fucking pregnancy. Damned hormones," he muttered to himself with every step he took, slugging a gulp from his flask every half a minute or so.

He was on one of his frequenting solo scouting missions along the edge of the Grimmlands. Alone. Again. For the past few months, it almost seemed like he no longer had a team. All because his God-be-damned twin sister got pregnant. Don't get him wrong, he's happy for her. It's nice to think that in several weeks, he'll become an uncle. It was just irritating that the rest of the members of STRQ were panicking so much. It's just a baby, for Pete's sake!

Summer was always fretting over Raven, her nerves often more frazzled than the pregnant woman. Raven's hormones were a nightmare all through the pace of her pregnancy that Qrow would rather be away on any mission available than deal with her. And Tai. Poor Tai. It was hard to believe that his male teammate could be so whipped. Seeing the guy these days made Qrow promise himself to always, always use protection. Or abstain from getting married. Ever.

He gulped a couple more of the alcoholic beverage as he entered the tree line towards the dead forest. The scalding trail it left in his throat was as calming as a massage therapy and it almost made him believe that nothing in his life had changed. It was a lie he could live with despite the growing tension forming in the middle of his team. He knew it, they do too. No one made a move to address it because none of them knew how to without damaging the already fragile string that held them together.

The day was in its peak and yet the sun had barely shown itself beyond the thickness of the darkened clouds, dimming the already ominous atmosphere hanging around this part of the Grimmlands. Black and leafless trees were a usual sight in these lands, but there was something that bothered Qrow the moment he entered the forest. He halted mid stride and narrowed his eyes. It was quiet. Too quiet, in fact, and that was bothering.

Danger senses flaring, Qrow pocketed his flask and brandished his sword. With a flick of his hand, its blade curved and the handle elongated, transforming into a scythe as long as he was tall. Now combat ready, he continued his trek onwards. What greeted his eyes when he stepped past the treeline made his jaw drop in a mixture of shock and awe.

There was a twenty yard radius where the forest was mowed down to a picturesque carnage. Dark blood painted every inch of the ground and fallen trees, wood splinters littering everywhere like a shower of confetti. Qrow crouched at the edge of the impromptu clearing and traced what seemed like one of the many deep stabs to the earth. Now he knew why there was an absence of Grimm everywhere within these parts.

At the center if it all was a meter of untouched ground around a tree, the only one left standing. He could barely see it but there was something lodged at the foot of said tree. Determined to check what that was, Qrow shouldered his weapon and took a step closer. Something was triggered. More than three dozens of swords materialized from thin air and circled the tree like a protective wall, a hundred more appearing in another layer but were instead aimed at Qrow's direction.

"What the hell?!" Qrow exclaimed, taking an instinctive step back and retreating to the treeline.

The dark-haired huntsman watched for a moment as the swords danced around the tree before it all disappeared in motes of light. It took another moment for Qrow to recover, and then he let out a long litany of colorful curses. He retrieved the alcohol flask from his person and chugged it down like water. He's not drunk enough for this shit.

Fishing for his scroll, Qrow dialed Ozpin's number. If anyone ever accused him of dumping the puzzle on the old man, he'd deny it thoroughly.

"Qrow," the man on the other side of the screen greeted after taking a leisurely sip from his ever present coffee mug. "How surprising. It was usually I who had to contact you first."

"Well, you know, I tripped on a rock and decided to report it to you," Qrow said with a shrug.

"Pleasantries aside, did you find out anything about the borders for me? I reckon you did. You wouldn't give me a call otherwise," the grey-haired headmaster of Beacon Academy inquired expectantly. Qrow knew enough of the man to tell that he was eager. Well, as eager as the man could appear anyway.

"I don't know if this is what you're expecting me to find but you can see for yourself."

Qrow shifted the scroll's camera towards the clearing, sweeping it slowly to encompass the whole scene.

"What happened there?" Ozpin asked, disbelief clear in his voice.

"A Grimm massacre," Qrow answered.

"It would appear so, but I do hope the pun is unintended, my boy, because it is absolutely horrid," Ozpin said dryly. "Do you know who or what had done this?"

"No idea, actually," Qrow replied. "I tried to investigate further but there seemed to be a hidden trap. Whenever someone enters the approximate twenty meter radius, it summons swords from thin air and attack the trespasser."

Ozpin blinked. "Have you been drinking excessively again?" he asked suspiciously.

Qrow backtracked on what he said and realized how absurd he sounded. "Not excessively. I'm just a bit tipsy. I like to think I know when I can't take my alcohol anymore," Qrow countered with a roll of his eyes. "I'm serious. I know what I saw. There was about two hundred swords that appeared out of nowhere when I tried to get closer towards the center!"

"The center, you say. And Grimms were immediately killed. Hmmm..." the man turned thoughtful. "Perhaps it's a protective countermeasure. Disarm yourself and try again."

"What? You want me to get in there unarmed? I don't know about you but I don't want to be skewered to a million pieces!"

"If I'm right, you wouldn't be," Ozpin reassured him.

"If? Really?" Qrow deadpanned.

"Go on now, my boy. Call me again when you've found out anything," the man from the other side of the transmission said before promptly hanging up, leaving a fuming Qrow at the contraption.

"Damn you, old man!" the huntsman screamed at his scroll. "Fan-fucking-tastic! What a great fucking day."

Qrow reminded himself that his scroll was important, that he'd have no outside contact if he ever decided to slice it in half with his scythe.

"I'll get you back for this," he grumbled, tucking his scroll and emptying his flask in one swallow. He then retracted his scythe to its sword form and slung it over his back. "Hell if I die. I'll find a way back and strangle that white-haired dotard."

He rolled his shoulders with purpose in his eyes. He squinted at the tree and took a measuring glance between it and himself. Mind made up, he stepped in. Nothing. No swords. Not even a single one. Qrow let out the breathe he unknowingly held.

"Huh, what do you know? Seems like Ozpin was right on the money," the huntsman said out loud. "Doesn't mean he's off the hook, though. He still fucking owe me."

Qrow gingerly strode within the perimeter and walked towards the center where the lone tree stood. There was nothing particularly peculiar about it except the fact that it was securely standing above a sea of carnage. In that regard, it was no different than any other tree in the borders of the Grimmlands. As he got closer, he realized that what he initially thought to be blood smeared at the roots of the tree from the distance was actually a bundle of red cloth. When he stepped within the meter of untouched ground around the tree, he found that something was wrapped inside said cloth. He could guess a few things that would require the level of protection he witnessed on the top of his head, but what he saw was nothing he could ever imagine.

It was a God-forsaken baby!

"What the fu—I mean, is this some kind of freaking joke?" the huntsman said with gritted teeth, reminded of his awful misfortune at the sight of the squirming chubby little... thing.

Red eyes met gold. The baby pulled out its thumb from its mouth, a toothless smile blossoming on its cherubic face. Qrow blanched when the tiny... pink being opened its arms and reached for him with a jovial gurgle of incomprehensible babble.

Oh, hell. What the fuck had he gotten himself into?

He's blaming everything on his fucking semblance. And Ozpin. Yup, this was definitely Ozpin's fucking fault.

Counter Guardian EMIYA relished at the grown man's comical terrified expression. He deserved the entertainment after hours of defending himself from the countless abomination that tried to kill him. Whatever they were, they seemed to be attracted to his location like moths to a flame.

Fending them off was relatively easy, what with the Counter Force's backing. Even with his infant body, he had unlimited prana source and his circuits flared like glowing rivers of molten lava. Temporary access to the Counter Force, namely Alaya, was one of his boons when he agreed to take the forcefully imposed vacation Alaya all but shoved to him.

Tch. Vacation, his ass, the babified Counter Guardian thought as he organized the knowledge of this world provided to him by Alaya.

This was no vacation. In fact, this was no different than all his thousands of other missions, although this time, he had the opportunity to live through another lifetime.

Remnant was a world in the brink of annihilation. The creatures that attacked him continuously for the past several hours were what people in this world called Grimm. Borne from darkness, grime, and mud, Grimm were soulless creatures attracted to negative emotions and wreaked havoc and chaos upon settlements. They have skins like dark shadows and red glowing eyes beneath a white mask, evolving over time and gaining cognitive understanding as they grow. Although people have dubbed them to be the creations of a 'God of Darkness', Grimm were actually created by Gaia as a response to the budding destructive independence of Alaya, as was every instance in every reality where the two Counter Force existed.

However, Grimm weren't really the reason why the world would eventually collapse in itself, the problem begun and will end with humanity's machinations. Despite the millennia old struggles with the creatures of Grimm, EMIYA couldn't fathom how humanity attained the time to scheme, connive, and conspire their own destruction. He would have to kill again—one to save ten, ten for the hundreds, a hundred for the thousands. Even with the numerous monsters roaming in this world, the most dangerous creatures were still the demons wearing human skin. No matter what parallel universe he went, humanity constantly found ways to disappoint him.

His end goal here was to save humanity—from both Gaia and itself. Gaia had been winning in this side of the multiverse that Alaya's indirect guidance and empowerment became insufficient, so it decided to bring out the big guns, so to speak, and that was one of the so-called Counter Guardians. There was no consequence if he failed, Alaya assured him. He could gallivant as a hero all he want and if ever the world was beyond saving, humanity will wither on its own volition anyway. Alaya would concede Gaia its victory in Remnant. EMIYA thought Alaya was just making fun of him, he was sure of it. After re-acknowledging his dream when he came back from the last Holy Grail War he was summoned to, the collective will of humanity made no excuse to hide her amusement.

The petty and childish squabbles of the two Counter Force aside, EMIYA deigned to just roll with it. This is his vacation, anyway, as ludicrous as it was for Alaya to give him one in a world ravaged by monsters. Might as well enjoy the experience.