In Her Silence

Breathe in. One. Two. Three. Breathe out. One. Two. Three. Let her fly, pup. The arrow released from her tightly wound fingers and disappeared into the darkness of the forest behind Redcliffe Castle. She could just barely make out the sound of her dart hitting its target; the topmost branch of the tallest tree. The arrow had joined its other companions in a scatter of dots around the branch. Serena reached behind her back, counting her ammunition; only three left from the twelve she had started with.

Usually she hunted in times such as these; transitioning from rogue to predator, the adrenaline pumping in her veins when she knew one's life was held between her middle and index fingers. She used this method to forget what was happening in the world around her, or perhaps one of the rooms below her. It wasn't safe to leave the castle and while that idea usually wouldn't stop her, she can't risk endangering the folks of the village. Her father's voice was quiet but still ringing in her ears; you're only in control when you breathe. Nothing else exists besides you and your target. She closed her eyes for a moment, inhaling, before concentrating on another nearby branch. Breathe out. Release. Another shot inside the darkness of the night.

There were footsteps coming up the roof. She didn't care to look, not wanting to break her concentration. She couldn't think about people existing. Release. Leaves rustled as she had missed her mark. The human huffed, holding her last arrow, twisting the light wooden figure in between her hands. She readied her stance. Getting up from her crossed legged position into a kneeling stance. One leg kneeled and the other laid behind her. She stretched her back, feeling minor cracks in the process. She hooked her last piece of ammo onto the bow, pulling the string back, letting it graze her cheek. Pup…Go. Her father's voice was a pained croak. She had let go when she wasn't ready, and it disappeared into the sky. Serena let out a frustrated grunt, slamming her empty quiver on the ground beside her.

"My, my, what did that poor tree do to deserve such treatment?" An elder voice, the person who had broken her focus, sat down next to her.

She was in no mood to speak with anyone, not while…. she shook her head, refusing to think of it, steeling her mind. It was necessary. It had to be done. "What is it, Wynne?" the warden leader sighed.

"I came to check up on you, darling" She replied matter of fact, sitting down next to her.

"I don't want to talk about it"

"We don't have to talk about it. We can talk about something else, if you'd like" the mage said quietly. Wynne had unofficially taken the role of mother in the group since she had joined in what felt like ages ago. She was the one Serena confided in when it came to matters that required emotion. Wynne was the first, even before Alistair, to know when something was bothering Serena. This time, the older mage knew exactly what troubled her, and it was something that Wynne had warned her about a while back. Serena's choices must always put the wardens and sake of her people first. Even if it meant breaking her own heart to do so. "Who taught how to use a bow?" She inquired.

Serena sighed and took the bait, "Both my parents. My mother most of the time but whenever my father wasn't tasked to capacity he would also help. They both knew how badly I wanted to be a warrior even if it meant, someday, I'd be giving up my name and title," She traced her thumb along her bow that she had made herself over the course of her journey. The wood had been smoothed down from vigorous hours of shaping and too many silvers of grips and attachments. It was beautiful, and it only made her think of her late parents even more.

"You must miss them"

"More than ever now. I just hope that the Maker welcomed them with open arms" She swept more unwanted feelings to the back of her mind. She knew Wynne was only trying to help but she was…not helping.

"They're proud of you" She whispered.

"You talk as if they're still here" Serena's voice was small then, ringing with a child's song. Nothing compared to her husky, confident barking.

"Because they are, child. They're always watching. Tonight has not been easy for you I know." She acknowledged, putting a hand on the warden's shoulder.

"Wynne-" She started.

"You made the right choice, Serena" Wynne interrupted. Her stomach burned at the reassurance. She was once again disgusted, swallowing the bile that threaten to rise in her throat.

"The right choice…" she laughed, but with no humor. "I thought I could be selfish over one thing in my entire life, the one thing I never thought I'd have being the daughter of a Teryn. Then, of course, the universe turns, and takes it away from me." Tears were waiting behind her eyes, but she refused to let them go. Crying changed nothing, nor did it solve anything. She must be ready for what the next day would bring, all of Thedas depended on her.

"It was either you or Alistair dying tomorrow. Now it could be neither. I can't tell you how much it relieves me, sweet thing" Wynne had reached out, tucking a stray hair behind Serena's ear, leaving a warm trail.

"'Could' is the key word" Serena spit, "this could all have meant for naught and I made him do this for nothing. I may have broken us for nothing"

"You are nowhere near broken, my dear" the mage chuckled despite her leader's glower. "He was not unfaithful to you. He did it because he loves you"

Now is when she stood up, kicking her bow just close enough to skid over the edge of the building. Wynne caught it with her staff. "He's sleeping with her, Wynne! To make some abomination god baby that we are not even sure will work" Serena stomped her foot like a child and she didn't care. None of it was fair.

"And you both agreed that he would do it. I guarantee you there are no feelings involved" Wynne said in a quiet voice now.

She sat back down, bringing her knees to her chest. She twined her fingers together tightly, as if using her knees to hold her chest together, "I know that" she said numbly.

They were silent for a few moments. The wind sang with the swinging of the trees. She watched one of her arrows fall to the ground with a light crackle. The moon was round and full, providing the only light in the sky. The peaceful environment cooled her temper. Guilt replaced her anger as she realized her words. When Serena turned to apologize to Wynne, the woman was gone. The warden shut her mouth and nuzzled it into her knees. She shivered in her night clothes, she knew it wouldn't be long before she'd have to abandon her silence and face the music.

It could have been hours before she heard more footsteps from below. Not wanting a repeat of her conversation with Wynne, she quickly grabbed her cloak and threw it over her head, causing her to disappear with the environment. The hatch opened, and Alistair's head popped up. So, the dead has been done, Serena thought disgusted.

"Ser?" He called out. She wished to Maker he would just go away. She didn't want to see him right now, though her heart raced in her chest that he went looking for her. "I know you're out here" he said in his usual snarky tone. It usually would make her smile and reveal herself but not right now. Alistair, being stubborn as Serena, climbed up fully out of the door. He wasn't in his armor, just a white cotton shirt and pants. She held her breath, hoping he wouldn't find her. He looked awake, relaxed. Of course, he's relaxed, she thought bitterly. His hair was in its usual dirty blonde tussle, not even looking messier. "hmmm…. if I were a sneaky rogue, where would I hide?" He wondered aloud. She hated how himself he was being. Especially considering the last time they spoke, he was anything but happy.

His dark brown eyes scanned over the roof, and he got up on one knee, as if to look over the edge. Serena felt herself relax, he was looking in the wrong spot. Except when she softened her posture, one of the looser panels on the roof clicked with her foot. His smirk stretched into a grin. He pulled one hand out and ripped the cloak off her. "Ah-ha!" he sang, "I found you. Okay, now I go hide and you seek me." Her eyebrows furrowed into an angry glare and turned her attention back to Lake Calenhad. "I'll even show you the good spots" he continued, ignoring her expression.

"Enough already, Alistair." She growled, snatching her cloak back, without looking at him. It was even harder to keep her tears in with him there acting as if nothing had happened. As if they could just forget all this. A breeze blew between them and goosebumps had popped up on her arms. She rubbed them in hopes they would go down.

His voice was in her ear now, "Come on, love, let's get downstairs" he had his hand under her arm.

"No. I want to stay up here" she mumbled.

"You need rest" he murmured, softer now. He tugged on her arm again, she resisted. After a few moments, he released his hold on her to her relief. But then Serena heard the other warden sigh and plop down next to her. She bit her tongue to keep the obscenities that she didn't mean from falling out of her mouth.

"I'm not in the mood" Serena whispered, taking in a shaky breath. But warm fingers gripped underneath her chin, turning her face, forcing her to stare into his soft eyes.

"It's over, Serena" he said so quietly. Her heart went into her throat at his words. It was over? He was leaving her? Her expression broke, the floodgates on the brink of opening.

"You're…leaving me? The experience was that pleasurable?!" she nearly shrieked at him. The impulse to smack him across the face was so strong, she had to hold her arm down.

His eyes grew in shock and confusion, "What?!" He looked for foul play in her expression, "Maker, no, you mad woman!" the following laugh was nervous but warm, "the ritual, I mean! It's over" he shook his head when she let out a breath.

"You mean the sex?" She grumbled, steeling her expression.

"No…I mean the ritual. In my limited experience, Sex is supposed to be enjoyable. Those were quite possibly the most uncomfortable moments of my life….well besides that time at templar training where I had no pants on and-"

"Will you stop it?!" Serena snapped.

"Stop what?" Alistair asked innocently.

"Being you! Will you please stop?" She hissed ripping her chin out of his grip.

He was silent for a few moments and she thanked the Maker for actually creating silence from the man until-"Alright…who would you like me to be? Leliana? Charlie? Sten? You know I've been perfecting my Sten impression." She could hear the smile in his voice and a single tear escaped the corner of her eye. She sat unblinking as more tears fell like raindrops sinking from a too small leaf. Alistair stopped his tangent once her saw her expression; stone cold but streaking tears. Instead he maneuvered around her slowly, as if she were a feral predator, to come into her central view. He looked the same as always. His hands came onto either side of her face, wiping away tears with thumbs. "Talk to me" he said quietly with a hint of begging. The tears just kept falling one by one, the other warden patiently wiped them away.

"There's nothing to talk about. We can both live now" she fought hard to keep her voice under control. Her center of gravity had shifted to only him the past few months. She hated herself for how hard she'd fallen for him. He was the last thing she loved, and it was tainted now.

"I've never heard someone so disappointed about not dying" it sounded like it should have been a joke, but he had kept his tone even, comforting. "I don't understand, Ser. You asked me to do it. You made me do it and I never wanted to," he sounded truly perplexed.

"So, you'd let me die if I never asked you?" she twisted the conversation into a corner Alistair was not expecting.

"Of course not, you act as if I'd give you a choice" he wore a smile that conveyed no happiness.

"I can't lose you too, Alistair. That's why I asked you to do it."

"And now?" She shook her head, finding she had created an impasse. Alistair was either wrong for taking the bait and sleeping with Morrigan or Serena was wrong for not wanting Alistair to sleep with Morrigan, so she couldn't lose him. She whimpered, grabbing one of his hands that held her face. "And that's why I didn't want to do this. I couldn't hurt you. I never wanted to." He pulled her into his arms, cradling her head to his chest. She began to shake, her eyes waterfalling all the emotions she had kept in since asking him to do the ritual. "And yet…I don't want to live in a world where you don't exist," He murmured into her hair, he breathed her in, "would it help if I said I hated every moment of it?" She was silent, gripping his shirt tightly. "of course not," he sighed, pressing his lips against the top of her head. Her eyes rolled back at the feeling, just wishing they were back to a few weeks ago where the adventures were fun, and the pain was worth it. "Would it help if I said I was thinking of you the entire time? That your name was the only one coming out of my mouth." Serena felt her own mind flashback to their time together. How his voice had sounded when they made love together, laced with honey and affection, something he reserved just for them. The fact that Morrigan was the one hearing that made her stomach churn. "The crazy thing was that Morrigan encouraged it. Anything to get me to…you know." He shrugged.

Serena stilled and looked up at him. He was somber, guilt interwoven in his expression. "She…she did?" she croaked.

Alistair nodded. "It was…simple reproduction," he grimaced at his words however. "Okay it made more sense in my head. The point is…I never want to be like that with anyone else," he leaned in closer to her, "I love you, Ser." Her heart still soared whenever he said those words because it was Alistair, and she knew he meant it. More silence followed as they held each other. Serena's tears had turned cold, ceasing their strides against her face. Alistair combed his hands through her light red hair before taking her face in his hands once more, pressing her lips to hers. He even tasted the same as always. The rest of the world had disappeared, nothing else mattered, the darkspawn, the archdemon, they didn't exist for that one singular moment of their togetherness. He broke off, only to kiss her twice more. Dark thoughts were still roaming around in her head, and she couldn't shake them as much as she wanted to. She sighed and rested her head against his.

"We can't grow old together…" she muttered. His silence was a defeaning blow to her very core. "We can't have children…" She breathed against his mouth, "We can't have a normal life…." The realization was birthed with the very sentence. They would always be fighting, constantly preparing for another blight, always building the Wardens until they would travel to the deep roads one day and die. They were quiet for several minutes while they let the truth of their very fates sink in. Serena shed no more tears because she knew this was something she had no choice in. Even if they lived tomorrow, they would spend the rest of their lives suffering.

The grim facts only made her want to die by the archdemon. Perhaps she wasn't meant for this after all, that the Wardens would be better off... that Alistair would be…One last tear fell from her eyelid. I'm so sorry, papa, I failed you. She thought to herself, staring at her bow. Alistair took notice of this, pressed his lips to hers once more with a sigh and pulled away.

Suddenly she was being hoisted up from her position. Her muscles screamed in protest because of the position they had been in for so long. The warden caught her by the waist, supporting her weight with one arm. He had a small, sad smile on his face, "Come on." He tipped his head back down.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"A walk." He replied simply, letting her go. Serena's eyebrows furrowed but she didn't resist. Alistair grabbed her bow and quiver, strapped it across her chest. Then he took her hand in his, twining their fingers; his grip wasn't tight, but it was strong. He was preventing any and all escape attempts. They retreated downstairs, into the main foyer. It was empty and dimly lit, they walked slowly and seamlessly together. He spoke so low, Serena thought it was to himself.

"Being trained in the chantry…I always thought that I was meant to be there. As a templar, I'd blend into the background, just like at home. I didn't matter to anyone besides the Arl," they reached the fireplace, still glowing with dying embers. "Then Duncan found me and recruited me. Something changed that day and I…I no longer wanted to blend in and be forgotten," he had grabbed a stick and started poking at the flames. "I wanted to be someone. Make a difference, fight for what was right, all that" he moved a log and the flames began to grow, "then I met you, Ser. Someone who stumbled from her own tragedies into mine," He played with the embers more, "At first, I was only fighting for my own self-gratification. But then I realized, there was another person there that made me fight harder to become a better man, not just a better warden." The flames ignited, completely restarting the original fireplace. The warmth blanketed them both. They stood there while the fire cackled with new purpose. Serena shivered despite this, hearing Alistair proclaiming himself to her all over again. Goosebumps had risen on her arms again. "This sounded a lot better in my head, truly…but you make me stronger." The fire glowed against his features, his expression was made of stone. It almost scared her at how unfamiliar it was. Somehow, she knew he was telling the truth

He turned to her and took both her hands, "I can't give you your old life back. I wish I could." He squeezed their fingers, Serena bit back her emotions once more, taking a deep breath, "But I can give you a new one. With me. Where the adventure never stops. Perhaps, maybe," he took a deep breath before continuing, "creating new life too." He…wanted to be a father someday? To Serena, Alistair had still been a child in some ways despite the fact he has grown so much in their journey. Still, the idea of him becoming a father to their child sent sparks in her veins. Her lips twitched. Alistair didn't seem to notice, "and believe me, love, there won't be any lack of trying" Serena snorted which she was rewarded his favorite smile, his teeth shining from behind his lips. It was the first time she had laughed in days. "No matter what life I have -as a templar, as a king, as a warden- I will always need you here to remind me of how much all the struggling is worth it. Because of you, I will never stop trying to find a cure for the Calling" He cupped her face, "So, one day, I can look at you, all grey haired, old, wrinkly "- he caught her glare, "- and still the sexiest creature I know- surrounded by our fifteen grandkids kids and Charlie with his twenty mabari grandpuppies" he earned another snort from his love, "knowing that I lived a wonderful, insane, adventure with you."

"Alistair…" she smiled, grasping his fingers. They were silent for several, happy moments, "How long did you need to rehearse all of that?"

Now he chuckled, "Would you believe me if I told you I pulled that all out of my ass?" he continued to laugh, "I wasn't planning on doing this until we were all god damned heroes defeating the big scary archdemon and all."

She cocked her head to the side, "doing what, exactly?"

He looked down at their hands, his thumb making circles around her left ring finger, "I don't even have a ring" he laughed nervously but kept her left hand and slowly bent to one knee. Was he doing what she thought he was doing? Serena's heart pounded in her throat. "Serena Leia Cousland," her full name in his voice sent her head into a whirl, "There has never been nor will there be anyone else for me. I love you and I promise to forever. Will you please give me the honor and extraordinary privilege to be your husband? Will you marry me?" New tears sprang from her eyes, she had cried more that night than before she had become a warden. He was swearing to be hers forever, just for the sake of never losing her. He would never let her be alone. She locked her knees in place to keep them from buckling beneath her.

"Of course," she nodded, "of course I will" Now he was in a full-blown grin. The warden jumped up and picked her up off the ground. The both giggled like school children, spinning around happily.

"Oh, I feel just like a princess" he sang. Serena laughed wholeheartedly now.

"That's my line" she argued.

"Please let's not forget who's royalty here" he touched up an imaginary crown on his head.

She shook her head at him, tears still falling. "You're an idiot" she chuckled.

"Ah yes, but I'm your idiot" He pulled her head forward so his voice was in her ear, "forever" he feigned a growled.

"I can still say no" She had one eyebrow raised to both of his.

"Well you know what they say; no givesies backsies." Now she took his face in her hands and kissed him for a long moment.

"Forever is a long time, eh?" She smiled at him, leaning their foreheads together.

"The longest I've heard" he mused.

"Forever it is then"

Later into the night, Serena laid in bed, plagued by what the next twenty-four hours would bring. She had slept but only beneath consciousness; closer to the waking world than the one of dreams. Alistair's arm was wrapped solidly around her naked waist as an extra layer of warmth. She could feel his breaths on the back of her neck, birthing goosebumps where he lay. She wished these affects he had on her would never fade. They were the only thing that anchored her into the Earth, keeping her from panic. While in her heart, she knew the day would bring victory, she didn't know at what cost.

Serena traced the outlines of Alistair's hand, memorizing them, in case she'd never feel them again. His knuckles were calloused from wielding his sword and shield the time. Fingertips were smooth but short, bitten on some points. His nervous habit she had picked up on when he believed no one to be looking. Occasionally, he spasmed in his sleep, mumbling incoherently, holding her tighter to his body; she too was his anchor.

Soft knocks on the door jolted him awake, always the light sleeper. "Whoisit? Ivenopants" he said in the same breath. Serena shook her head and pushed him back down.

"Go back to sleep, darling. I'll see who it is," Serena whispered, gingerly removing his arm from her waist.

He gripped her once more, "take my sword…-could be the archdemon" he slurred, half asleep. She rolled her eyes, loosening his hold on her.

Still, she kissed the top of his head, "I don't think the archdemon would knock" she spoke into his hair. He was already back against the pillow. Sleep would soon consume him once again.

Serena grabbed her robe nearby, tying it around herself. She wondered who else could be awake this early in the morn. The warden padded over to the door and opened it to cool, golden eyes.

"Many apologies, I did not mean to disrupt your rest" Morrigan stood in her usual garb. Her expression was unreadable. It still struck coldness into her leader's heart. What could Morrigan want? What could Serena say?

When Serena was about to ask what she was doing at her door-"I was half right, there's definitely a demon at the door" Serena heard Alistair's voice from the other side of the room, more awake now.

"Always so charming" Morrigan grumbled under her breath.

"Go back to sleep, Alistair" She called out.

"Don't say I didn't warn you. I'd still grab some garlic or something"

Serena huffed, annoyed at her fiancée's childishness, closing the door behind them. She certainly didn't need Alistair's help with talking to Morrigan.

"Is everything alright?" Serena asked, her heart beat faster inside her chest. The essential grogginess all but evaporated in the presence of the witch. She did her best to push the resentment from her mind of Morrigan. They both knew, Alistair too, that the ritual was necessary, no matter how uncomfortable it was for everyone involved.

"Yes…and no" Morrigan shifted her weight, eyes averting to the hallway behind Serena. "You must know, I do not regret any of my actions from last night" her voice was sharp. The warden leader winced, anger glowed in the back of her mind. "Tis not mean however that I don't feel…guilty for this" she shifted her weight again. They stood in silence, the witch's expression sinking in something Serena had never seen before. Remorse? Morrigan felt…bad?

"…Why would you feel that way?" Serena asked quietly though her curiosity raged inside.

Morrigan's perfect black eyebrows furrowed, frustrated as if Serena was already asking too many questions. She still avoided her gaze, sucking in a deep breath. She was truly struggling coming to terms with what had happened. All Serena could think about was the scene she had with Alistair, both bare naked, together…the warden shuttered, banishing the thoughts. Morrigan was beautiful and somehow it made Serena feel a whole lot smaller. She knew Morrigan's beauty did not catch Alistair's eye but she couldn't help the adolescent thoughts of jealousy take over her mind. She has a part of him that Serena never thought the witch would have. She took my toy, Serena thought humorlessly to herself. It was the easiest way to look at the entire situation.

"You…you have been a truer friend to me than anyone really," Morrigan must have seen her leader's surprised expression, "because I'm so great with…friends" she said the word as if it were foreign.

"Morrigan…it had to be done. I'll get over it." She shrugged, trying to show off her feelings as nonchalant, relaxed.

"I know what he means to you and while I'm not sorry for what he did for me," now she looked at her, the golden flames of sorrow borrowed in her, "I am sorry for what I did to you." Serena felt her heart being clutched. This conversation had taken a turn she wasn't expecting.

"You…what?" Serena blinked, wondering if it all was dream. Morrigan: stone cold, brutally honest, no regrets Morrigan was…apologizing.

The witch sighed, "Serena…I'm sorry I hurt you." It was clearly very difficult for her to express her feelings. Serena thought she would bolt any second, instead she relaxed her shoulders. "T'was there any other way, I would have done it." Serena realized the course her thoughts had taken. Since last night, she hadn't associated Morrigan as her comrade, her right hand, her…friend once she left Alistair with her. She felt anger, jealousy, and resentment towards her even after all they had been through. A bile rose in Serena's throat, she was disgusting with herself. "I could not imagine…letting you go off and slaying the archdemon, killing yourself or Alistair, if t'was another option. I knew you couldn't bare the thought of losing each other. Tis been obvious for quite some time now" Morrigan rolled her eyes the tiniest bit, a small teasing gesture.

"So, its not…just about having an old god baby?" The warden was ten steps behind her friend and Morrigan was losing her patience but trying to hold it in.

The witch huffed, "Tis something I've always wanted but…I want to see you succeed as well. Live without a tragic end."

Serena closed her eyes, "My end…was sealed for me when I drank dark spawn blood." Now she opened her eyes, feeling the rims of her eyelids moisten, "but, you have given us the chance to live happily. Even if it is for only a little longer. So…thank you" Now Serena was thanking Morrigan for having Alistair impregnate her with an old god baby. This conversation had to be a dream because she could have never imagined this outcome.

"I'll always remember you, Serena. And all the things I have learned from our journey and tonight especially" the witch smiled softly. Then Serena did something she never thought she would do: the warden wrapped her arms around Morrigan's shoulders in a hug. The witch let out a surprised "Oh." She then distinctly remembered her complaining about how Serena's society always touch too much so she quickly retracted herself.

"I'll miss you, Morrigan" she spoke earnestly.

"Tis not over yet. We still have a battle to win" the witch smirked before turning around and walking out of sight.

Serena smiled to herself and walked back into her room. She swiftly disrobed and tiptoed into bed, trying not jostle Alistair awake again. She settled into the pillows, praying for sleep to eventually find her.

"She didn't perform a ritual on you too, did she?" Serena jumped at his voice in her ear. Of course, it was too much to hope Alistair had fallen asleep.

"Oh, grow up" she muttered, facing away from him. A strong arm snaked around her waist.

"What did I do?" he asked innocently. She just shook her head, refusing to give into his foolhardiness. "Ohhhh the silent treatment. Tell me, is this what I get to look forward to in marriage?" he asked sarcastically but well meant, "I thought I would get to the miserable parts after a few more fun years, no?" he rambled.

"Good night, Alistair" Serena said.

He was silent for a few moments, cuddling her closer. He sighed into her hair, "Alistair Cousland…has a nice ring to it"

Serena rolled her eyes but took the bait, "I believe I'm the one changing my name, so it would be Serena Theirin."

"May not have much of a foothold now that I've given away my crown" He mumbled.

"You're still king of my heart" the other warden said with a sly smile.

"Okay, even I think that's far too cheesy" he chuckled. She shook her head but finally was greeted with silence. Both knew they had a big day ahead of them. For the first time all night, Serena felt good about their chances.

I'm aliveeeeeee! I'm currently on a Dragon Age kick and my obsession with the Warden/Alistair romance is back in full force. What better way to feed my ungodly expectations of a perfect love than writing about these two? Please comment/fave/follow! Enjoy! -Kristin

P.S "Jane" is currently on hold until my DA kick has calmed down. Hey, at least I'm honest.