a/n: While browsing through some old drafts, I came across these HMC scenes I did as writing warmups. Since I haven't posted any one-shots in a while, I thought I'd fix them up and share them for funsies! :) None of the one-shots are related.

"In Which There are Moments"

Spider Talk

AUish, Humor/Romance, K+

Howl gawked when Sophie turned to leave, her nose prim in the air like she had already won their argument. Which she hadn't. She hadn't even stayed long enough to properly start one! Leaning forward, blankets bunching in his lap, he grabbed her slender young fingers.

"Those vermin, as you unkindly called them," he exclaimed, "are crucial to the community and mental health of this moving castle. They're long-term residents, botheration, they have rights! How do you think it reflects on me, the master of this castle, when you go charging into their nests and slaughtering their innocents?"

Sophie rolled her eyes. "They're just spiders, Howl."

"This is a magic shop, dear, you can't assume anything. You wouldn't know it that they could actually be cursed, forced to eat insects, forever separated from their two-legged lovers." He released her with a dramatic sigh and collapsed against the pillows.

A familiar crease appeared between Sophie's brows. Good, she was considering it. He suppressed his amusement. Served her right! Of course none of the spiders were cursed, but he hated her killing them. After all, they were creatures to which he felt the most kinship: beautiful, reclusive…

He had just slipped into a lull when Sophie whacked the mattress by his head.

"Why, if that isn't the most absurd thing I've ever heard!" she said. "You would have told me if that were the case. Admit it, you're just trying to keep a friendly smidge of dirt around!"

Drat it all! Howl huffed. "If I didn't bathe twice a day, you wouldn't keep your hands off me. I've never seen anyone so obsessed with cleaning."

"It's not your body that needs cleaning, it's your wicked soul!" Sophie retorted, pink dusting her cheeks. "Now when are you going to get out of that bed? Don't think for a minute I actually believe you're sick."

"No mercy for humans, either," Howl sniffed. He snuggled under the covers and cracked an eye at her. "Don't you have snooping to get back to? Or are you planning on smothering me in my sleep like those poor spiders?"

"Why wait?"

The mattress dipped. Howl blinked to suddenly find Sophie hovering over him.

His breath caught in his throat when she pressed her cool hand over his mouth. Loose threads of silver hair floated like silk around her scowling face, but mischief glimmered in her eyes. Howl swallowed. Gracious, was it hot in here? He needed to have a word with Calcifer. Thank goodness he didn't have his heart; it'd be beating straight of his chest!

When Sophie's fingers slid to his cheek, he shivered.

"Mm. You're flushed. Perhaps you're sick after all." She frowned. She smoothed back his hair and stood. "Get some rest. Don't worry. I'll keep the slaughtering nice and quiet for you."

Howl wouldn't be honest if he claimed he watched strictly her back as she sashayed out the door (then again, when was he ever honest?). As things stood, it took his brain a full fifteen seconds to process what she had said.

His jaw dropped.

"May you be haunted by thousands of sticky little souls!" he shouted, gathering the blankets around himself and rushing barefoot to the top of the stairs.

"What's that? There are too many tiny cries of anguish, I can't hear you!" Sophie yelled back.

Howl tensed. "Markl!" he roared.

The boy shot out of his room.

"Make sure Sophie doesn't get carried away! Lives are at stake!"

With that, Howl lifted his nose in the air, marched back to his room, and tucked himself into bed again. A jeweled spider crawled high on the ceiling, threading itself among the glistening, dangling baubles. "Hah! That woman forgot to look up."

He touched his lips and begrudgingly smiled. Not that he'd minded the alternative.

They'd have to have another spider talk soon.

-fin-