Maybe I'm Thinking Too Much

As Valentine's Day approaches, Banryu decides he needs to do something for Suho. But Banryu has never dated anyone before, not to mention that his relationship with Suho is a secret even from their closest friends! Someone tells him to just 'give from the heart,' but what does that even mean? Sequel to IWGtKIaS.

…

…

Written for GeekiestGirlEver on AO3, who read 'Blind Leading the Blind' and requested another V-Day fic at the Hwarang Academy, this time with Suryu.

This has only the most basic connection to 'Blind Leading the Blind' and thus that fic can be ignored when reading this one.

…

…

"Are you doing anything for Valentine's Day?"

The question had been posed by Suk Hansung. Hansung had been looking for ideas on how to confess his feelings for someone and had asked Banryu for help. His only reason for picking Banryu was that Banryu was popular among women and must have some experience. Unfortunately, he had none. In the end, Banryu had sent Hansung away with nothing, because he honestly had no ideas.

His plans for Valentine's Day were…well…

Back during Christmas time, Suho had gifted him with a pair of tickets to a BTS concert, and that concert happened to be planned for the day after Valentine's Day. He had 'confessed' to Suho by asking him out to that concert. As a date. As boyfriends.

So his plan for Valentine's Day was to sit at home, being the perfect son for his adoptive father, and then stay out all night the day after. One of his friends at school had agreed to be his alibi without even knowing why Banryu was sneaking out. He'd simply agreed that every hot blooded male needed to break the rules sometimes and wished Banryu luck, with a wink. Banryu didn't ask.

But ever since Hansung had asked him about his plans, Banryu couldn't stop thinking about it. Sure, he had been the one to ask Suho to attend the concert together, but Suho had actually purchased the tickets. And Suho was the one who first referred to it as a date, confirming their relationship. So the concert was more like Suho's gift, rather than Banryu's. Which would mean that Suho had been the gift giver and Banryu had been the gift receiver for two separate holidays.

That didn't sit well with Banryu. Suho was not going to win in their relationship the same way he won gold in all the same events Banryu only ever won silver in. Banryu had to even the scales somehow.

…

…

Last month, shortly after they first sorted out their feelings for one another, Suho and Banryu had gone horseback riding together. Ostensibly, their families and friends knew they were practicing for the next equestrian competition. The reality was that they had simply wanted to get away.

Banryu had arrived first and rode off into the forest around the stables, and Suho came later and met up with him. They had enjoyed hours of comfortable riding together, spent time by the small lake on the property, and even laughed while avoiding other riders on the trails by rushing their horses into overgrown patches and getting covered in leaves and dirt. Banryu's horse had decided to wash that dirt off later by dropping and rolling in a river, throwing Banryu from his saddle and into the water. Suho had laughed so hard that he almost unseated himself. Banryu had finished the job by physically yanking Suho off his horse and into the water as well, and the ensuing splash fight had left them both drenched and exhausted but, most importantly, happy.

Remembering that day brought a soft smile to Banryu's lips, even as his subconscious reminded him that Suho's saddle had looked rather worn then.

The memory came upon Banryu like a drifting fog. Suho competed in a lot of equestrian competitions and had different tack for each category he participated in, but his practice tack was old, scuffed, and probably in need of replacement. Maybe that could be a gift Banryu got for Suho for Valentine's Day.

"Park Banryu!"

Banryu turned to look into the red face of his P.E. teacher. She had her arms crossed over her chest and was staring at him with an expression that, had it come from his father, would have had Banryu staring at the floor and praying for mercy.

"Do you plan on being a soccer net?!" she asked. Banryu frowned, confused. "If you stand there daydreaming for one more second, I won't stop your classmates from kicking every single ball directly at you like a target, since you insist on standing in the way! Then I will personally call your father and inform him of your inattentiveness!"

Banryu's stomach dropped and he bowed almost instantly. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again," he said, his voice strong and even despite the fear.

The teacher frowned. "It had better not."

As she walked away, Banryu's eyes found Suho across the field. Suho was pretending to find the situation amusing but, after a quick glance to make sure his friends were all also watching Banryu, he gave Banryu a curious, concerned look. Banryu gave a single shake of his head, dismissing Suho's concern as embarrassment settled on his cheeks. It was fine. He was fine.

But Suho saw right through him, as he so often did. Suho gave him a small reassuring smile from across the field and Banryu felt like he could breathe again, any cold feeling that had settled in his chest from the threat of his father melting away at the sight.

Somehow, Suho always knew what Banryu needed, knew just how to make his heart race even when he felt like crying.

No, maybe a saddle wasn't the best option for a Valentine's Day gift. Valentine's Day was supposed to be romantic. What was romantic about a saddle?

…

…

Jewelry was a typical gift on Valentine's Day, right? He could get Suho jewelry. Suho liked jewelry.

Whenever they were at a party or event, Suho was always bedecked in jewels. Earrings, rings, bracelets, necklaces. He'd even worn anklets when the occasion called for it. And once, during an Indian-themed charity event, Suho had paid a lot of money to get bejeweled, henna-style tattoos up both of his arms. For charity, of course.

But that left the fact that, for someone who liked jewelry so much and already owned so many beautiful pieces…what could Banryu get him that he didn't already have?

"Stop playing with your food."

The snap of his father's voice almost made Banryu drop his spoon into his soup. A quick glance down showed that he had indeed been pushing the vegetables around in his soup long enough that steam no longer rose from the bowl.

Without responding to his father, Banryu lifted a spoonful of soup to his lips and drank. He made sure to let his displeasure at the lukewarm liquid show, knowing it would seem like a punishment to Youngshil.

"Such a child," Youngshil said disparagingly before returning his focus to his own dinner.

Red beryl was pretty rare. Earrings perhaps? Suho liked red too. It was his favorite color.

…

…

If he was going to get something red, it should be clothing.

It was lunchtime and Suho was surrounded by his friends while Banryu sat with his own a few tables over. Usually Suho and Banryu would have spent the first half of the lunch block in an empty room or on the roof, eating lunch together away from the prying eyes that expected them to still be at each other's throats. Banryu loved spending his lunchtimes like that, just him and Suho without any acts or expectations, but he'd been cancelling them for the past few days, spouting off any lame excuses he could think of, all because he couldn't get past the glaring neon sign of a problem in his head that read: SUHO'S VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT.

Despite avoiding spending time with him, Banryu couldn't stop himself from stealing glances at Suho. He was ignoring his friends in favour of stuffing his face like usual but Banryu's focus wasn't on his boyfriend's abysmal table manners. Rather, Banryu's eyes kept finding the place where the tie of their school uniform sat haphazardly against Suho's neck, having been flung carelessly over his shoulder so that it didn't fall in his soup while eating. More importantly, he noticed the way the red complimented Suho's tanned skin.

Suho looked good in red. Maybe a new long coat, deep red. He would look like a rich young man then, which was good, because he was one. Ack, he probably already had a red long coat then.

"Hey, Park-sshi!"

It was Jang Hyun, picking a fight by just addressing him wrong. Annoyed at both that and the fact that Jang Hyun was interrupting his train of thought, Banryu glared at the other man. "What?"

Jang Hyun smirked. "With how air headed you've been lately, no one can claim Suho's the less intelligent of the two of you anymore, huh?"

Banryu rolled his eyes, snapping back instinctively. "Hardly. Enough hot air comes out of his mouth that he could make a hot air balloon fly."

Was it cold up that high in a hot air balloon? Or was the fire and heat of the balloon enough to keep you warm? Would a long coat be useful if Suho ever actually rode in a hot air balloon?

But Suho was a fashionista when they weren't in school. A long coat might be too plain. He would need to get a fashionable coat. Something a bit outrageous to match Suho's personality.

"Sure, I'm sad that 2PM is probably all enlisting at once, but everyone's got to go sometime," Suho said. "Also, that means that they'll all come back at the same time, so we'll get new music faster." He smacked Banryu's arm, almost making Banryu drop his lunch. "Yah, we should enlist together too."

"Why?" Banryu asked. "We probably won't get stationed together."

Suho shrugged, leaning against the wall behind him and taking in the city views offered by their rooftop vantage point. "No, but then we'll only have to be apart for two years, rather than three or four if we enlist separately."

That actually made sense. Banryu liked that idea. What would he do with himself if Suho wasn't around? He would be bored out of his mind.

"Also, then I'll get to see you in uniform close up, and maybe all the time if we get stationed together," Suho continued, folding his arms behind his head and grinning. "Military uniforms are so hot."

Banryu definitely dropped his lunch at that.

A military style jacket.

Banryu had seen a catalogue recently where they were selling double breasted military jackets. He could get Suho one in red. Suho would adore it. It was classy and stylish, yet just avant garde enough to get him noticed no matter where he went while wearing it.

Lunch period ended without Banryu taking notice of Suho or his friends again. If Jang Hyun had tried continuing the fight, Banryu missed it completely – the same way he missed Suho's frown and abandoned lunch after overhearing Banryu's harsh words.

…

…

When Suho and Banryu had first met, Suho had a puppy on a leash at his side. Her name was Queen Ji and she followed Suho everywhere. Suho taught her to chase Banryu on sight, and until Banryu was twelve, he was afraid of dogs because of it.

Queen Ji had died two years ago, during the summer, after eating a poisonous plant. Suho had been absent from school for a week in mourning.

If Banryu wanted to get Suho something that would really have an impact, would show Suho that Banryu understood him on an emotional level, should he get Suho a dog? Or no, should he take Suho to pick out a dog?

There was a soft knock on Banryu's bedroom door and then Bo Young, their younger night worker, peeked inside. She let out a soft gasp upon seeing him sitting at his computer.

"Yes?" Banryu asked, not unkindly.

Bo Young inclined her head respectfully. "I'm very sorry. I thought perhaps you had fallen asleep with the light on."

Fallen asleep? Banryu looked at the clock on his computer and cringed. It was past eleven and he was – he looked up at the word document on his screen – four words into the short story he was meant to be writing for the publication on service animals next month.

He gave a deep sigh. "No. Thank you, Bo Young-noona. I'll go to bed now."

Blushing at the familiar title from her employer, Bo Young nodded and shut the door once more.

Banryu ejected the USB drive from the computer and then shut it off. After lying down in bed, Banryu checked his phone. There were no messages from Suho – labeled Kim Hyungsik to hide from his father. It was probably better that there were no messages. Without messages, Banryu didn't have to respond. If he didn't respond, then Suho wouldn't know that Banryu was struggling to pick a good gift for Valentine's Day.

He only had two days left.

…

…

Suk Hansung was sitting at a table at the back of the classroom the following morning when Banryu arrived. The table was absolutely coated, drenched, in colored paper cut into seemingly random shapes. Banryu plopped down in the second chair, feeling no more rested than he had when lying down for sleep the night before. Hansung glanced up at him briefly before turning back to his cutting.

"I'm busy."

Banryu watched him cut. "I'm realizing that choosing a Valentine's gift for someone is a lot harder than it sounds."

A long silence followed. Hansung continued to cut strips of paper and Banryu continued to watch him. They were early enough that no one else was in the classroom yet, so the silence was allowed to stretch and settle.

Then, "Why?" Hansung asked.

He didn't wait for a response.

"After you let me down the other day, I realized that all I need to do is what feels right," He snipped the end of a strip of paper. "Follow my heart."

Banryu lifted his eyes from the paper to Hansung's face, scrunched in concentration as he worked. "Your heart?"

Hansung nodded. "I don't need anything expensive or flashy to confess just because we're from rich families. I just need something heartfelt. I just need to be sincere." His eyes flicked up and then back down again. "Now, if you aren't going to help me cut paper petals, go away."

The abruptness startled a laugh out of Banryu. But he wasn't about to help Hansung cut paper for his own confession when Banryu was struggling with his own gift, so he shook his head and headed for his own desk to wait for the rest of their class.

…

…

"Yah! Banryu!"

In the next moment, Banryu found himself pulled sideways onto a side street. It was a simple, thin road connecting two main roads, but it was empty of people. Except for Banryu and Suho, now.

Suho glared at him. "What is your deal?"

Banryu frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You've been ignoring me and avoiding me for a week!" Suho accused. "It's like back before Christmas all over again! You're being a total ass!"

Had he? Banryu had been consumed with thoughts of his gift for Suho, of not letting Suho win by being the lead in every holiday. Had it really been a week? And was he really being an ass?

Shaking his head, Banryu said, "Leave it alone, Suho. Everything is fine."

"Everything is not fine!" Suho shouted, getting up in Banryu's face. Then the anger painted there clouded over with hurt. "Is this-Are you trying to break up with me before Valentine's Day? Is that it?"

Banryu rolled his eyes. "No, that's not it. Don't be an idiot."

"Then what is it?!"

Just as Suho shouted this, a group of two guys and two girls walked past the entrance to the side street. They paused to investigate the noise and one of them asked "Is that Kim Suho and Park Banryu?"

Both Suho and Banryu froze where they stood. Sure, they weren't being "couple-y" right now, but what if they had heard the comment about Valentine's Day? What if they picked up on something? Banryu thought about what would happen if news got back to his father about this. At the very least, he wouldn't be able to go to school for awhile because he would be visibly bruised. At the worst…moved to another country? Disinherited? Both? And what about Suho? Would Park Youngshil leave Suho alone? Would he smear Suho's name to destroy the Kim family business? Banryu wouldn't put it past him.

"Are they fighting again?" one of the girls asked, sounding exasperated.

"When aren't they fighting?" a boy responded, laughing.

Every muscle in Banryu's body was tight, even as he felt relief. They hadn't picked up anything yet. He needed to leave before they did. He had to go. And with that thought, he turned and walked away, his steps stiff and purposeful. He saw Suho twitch as if to reach out for him, but with people watching they couldn't let on that they were anything more than enemies.

Banryu escaped, but he felt awful for the rest of the walk home and all through dinner with his father.

…

…

"I realized that all I need to do is what feels right; follow my heart."

Any time that Banryu and Suho were together and not fighting felt right - that day riding horses and splashing in the river; Suho secretly training Banryu in kumdo, while teasing that no matter how good Banryu got, he would still never beat Suho; eating lunch on the roof and talking about music and a future together; teasing Suho about past crushes; tutoring Suho before tests to help his grades improve. It all felt right.

But none of that related to Valentine's Day.

"I don't need anything expensive or flashy to confess just because we're from rich families. I just need something heartfelt."

For Christmas, Suho had bought Banryu things related to his interests - tickets to a stargazing event; writing materials; poetry; BTS concert tickets; a scarf to replace one he'd lost. Except for the concert tickets, none of those items had been particularly expensive. So Hansung was right. Banryu didn't need red beryl earrings, expensive tack, a flashy jacket, or anything luxurious. Spending more money than Suho wouldn't mean he had evened the score in this relationship.

"Be sincere."

And maybe that was it. Maybe Banryu didn't need to even the score. He needed to stop focusing on who was winning at being the better boyfriend and simply be a boyfriend. Suho was right. Banryu had been ignoring him, avoiding him, and being a terrible friend for days now. On that side road, Suho had been upset, sad. He had thought Banryu wanted to break up. All Banryu had to do for Valentine's Day was show Suho how much that wasn't true.

He needed to tell Suho the truth about how he felt.

Though it was already late, Banryu slid out of bed and grabbed his computer from the desk. Instead of turning on the light, he brought the computer back to bed and hid under his covers to keep the light of the screen from giving him away.

Then he began to type.

…

…

Banryu arrived at school early on Valentine's Day. He always arrived early. He and Suho both did so that they could greet each other properly before their friends and fellow students showed up and they had to assume their roles as rival sons.

It was still a shock to see that Suho was changing his shoes at the same moment Banryu entered though. Somehow, after their argument the day before, Banryu had thought Suho would avoid him. Like Banryu had avoided Suho.

They met eyes briefly before both looked away at their respective lockers. The air was tense between them in a way it never was. Not even when they really were rival sons. Banryu didn't know what to say; what to do. Usually they settled matters in fist fights or soccer matches, but neither of those options were available now.

A shock ran through Banryu when Suho's hand came down on his shoulder, just as he finished changing his own shoes. He turned around to meet Suho's gaze, curious at the tentative touch.

Suho's lips were pressed thin and his shoulders were stiff. He had never looked so uncomfortable.

"Listen," Suho began. "That fight was so stupid." He removed his hand from Banryu's shoulder and Banryu instantly missed the contact. "I know you have trouble, well, expressing yourself. I probably should've asked you what was up in a better way before totally blowing up in your face like that. But you know that's how I am, don't you?"

It sounded like Sooyeon had gotten to him. Maybe Suho had gone to her for advice. She was the only person other than Suho's father who knew about their relationship, and he'd gone to her for help in the past. In fact, she had helped Suho with his gift giving ploy during Christmas, before they were even a couple.

The point was: the words coming out of Suho's mouth were too calm and reasonable to have come from Suho without him having talked it out with someone else first. Still, Banryu appreciated them for what they were: an apology.

"I am painfully aware of your personality," Banryu told him.

Before Suho could look upset at the short response, Banryu reached into his bag and produced a folded letter, watching Suho expectantly until he finally got the hint and took the letter from him. When Suho unfolded it, he found a handwritten poem and Banryu found his heart in his throat. Banryu had typed and edited it for a long time on his computer, and then written it as neatly as possible on proper stationary. He was beyond nervous.

Suho's eyes scanned over the paper and Banryu held his breath. He had no idea how Suho would react to something like this, but Banryu had wanted to be true to his heart, to be sincere.

As time went on, though, Suho just stared at the paper. He didn't look happy or angry or even confused. He just…stared.

Finally, Banryu couldn't handle it any more. This wasn't the reaction he was expecting. He wasn't sure what that was, exactly, but he knew it wasn't this. He knew that he didn't expect Suho to be dead silent in the face of his heart on a page. His cheeks flamed as he reached out to snatch the paper back, but Suho's grip on it tightened.

"Hey, whoa, what are you doing?" Suho snapped, pulling the paper out of Banryu's reach.

"Just give it back if you don't want it," Banryu shot back.

Suho glared. "Who said I didn't want it?" Banryu grabbed for it again, his embarrassment making him desperate, but Suho held it up in the air. His head tilted back so that he could still read it, he began, "All around were blank faces and pages an endless sea of dead ends and no outlets-What is it?"

Banryu squeezed his eyes shut. Suho read poetry the way people left comments on internet articles. No punctuation, with bad grammar, and too fast. He didn't even take time to understand what he was reading.

"All around me were blank faces, blank pages

An endless sea of dead ends and No Outlet signs

Lost in a forest so dark the leaves blotted out the sun-"

Suho blinked several times, quickly, as if that would tell him he was really hearing what he was hearing; Banryu, without a single scrap of paper before him, reciting the words written on the page in his hand.

"And into this haze a light broke through

A harsh, brazen light that saw no boundaries

It followed me and for the first time, my world spun-"

Suho lowered his arm, no longer trying to keep the paper out of Banryu's grasp, and stared at Banryu with open fascination.

"The days are hard and the road is long

But you splash me with laughter and care

And in our wits we meet each other one-to-one

.

Your smile is my blue sky and your laughter my hope

The world is bigger and wider than I dreamed

Working together, we've improved, we've won

.

For as long as I can, I will hold tight to this hand

And though these feelings are hard to express

Take this heart of mine and know: we have only just begun-"

Banryu took a half step closer to Suho, to ensure he had every ounce of Suho's attention, before he finished.

"I love you.

Remember this always.

I love you."

The silence that followed was deafening. Suho just stared at Banryu with wide open eyes, his lips slightly parted in surprise. His arms hung limp at his sides, the poem barely held in his slack fingers.

Several long moments later, Banryu looked away from Suho and shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. "What?" he asked, not knowing what else to say as he tried his best to ignore the way his throat tightened with the threat of tears. Wearing his heart on his sleeve was so much harder than he expected it to be.

Suho shook his head like he was waking up. "You really are a jerk," he said, though his voice was quiet and not angry. When Banryu looked at him again, Suho gave a playful glare and pointed dramatically at him. The look was slightly ruined by how pink his cheeks were. "How the hell am I supposed to concentrate in class after-after…..that?"

Though it sounded like a parent berating their child, Banryu couldn't help but laugh. The blush on Suho's cheeks only grew darker.

…

…

The following evening, they attended the BTS concert as planned. Once immersed in the crowd, Suho grabbed Banryu's hand and wouldn't let go, boldly claiming him as his own.

They nearly got kicked out before the concert even started, because someone had the audacity to say that V couldn't dance within hearing distance of Suho and Suho felt it was his duty to defend V's honor, or whatever. Banryu just rolled his eyes – hard enough that he was surprised they hadn't popped out – and grabbed Suho by the shirt collar, ripping him away from the other guy before a brawl could break out in the crowd.

"Behave yourself."

"But he said-"

"Suho," and Banryu said it so sharply that Suho actually snapped his mouth shut and apologized. It was amazing.

Not even halfway through the concert, Banryu knew he wouldn't have a voice the next day. Suho either. They were both singing and yelling so loud that it was impossible to believe otherwise.

"It's not important if it's a dream or reality, only that you're by my side. Thanks!" Suho shouted the lyrics along with Suga on stage, turning a blinding grin on Banryu beside him. Banryu beamed right back, even as Suho turned his attention back to the show.

"Every day, summer, winter."

Banryu wasn't really listening, had stopped singing just to watch Suho happily echoing the group's heartfelt lyrics. Suho was glowing – the coloured concert lights dancing across his skin, his eyes glistening with amazement and joy as he watched the show. Banryu felt a surge of genuine happiness deep in his bones. For the first time in a long time, he felt like a normal boy having a normal experience. In that moment, he wasn't afraid of anything – not failure, not being discovered, and not even his father. And it was all because of the boy beside him. This boy who knew him better than anyone, who had always been by his side, even when he hadn't noticed. They literally wouldn't be there if it weren't for him, not at the show and certainly not together, and the thought made Banryu's heart swell with adoration and pride for the brave and bold man beside him.

"Though you may not know-"

Banryu was overwhelmed with emotion and desire and his skin buzzed with a desperation to just do something before the moment was lost. Reaching out, he tugged at Suho's shoulder until he finally tore his eyes away from the stage. Banryu would have laughed at the confused look on Suho's face if he weren't wholly focused on not wasting time. Instead, he seized the opportunity, taking Suho's face in both hands, and planting a kiss directly on his lips as the band sang out, "You've got the best of me!"

When he pulled back, Suho looked as shocked as when Banryu had finished reading his poem. Then a spark lit in his eyes and he grabbed Banryu's face in return, diving back in for another kiss. It was harder and stronger than Banryu's had been. A battle. A challenge.

Banryu had never turned down a challenge before.

"You are my salvation. You are my window. I just need to have you - I need you!"

They traded kisses back and forth. Banryu pushed forward, forcing Suho to take a half step back and almost into the person standing next to him. Suho's fingers found their way into Banryu's hair, Banryu's traced down Suho's neck and found purchase on his shoulders, the two of them holding each other in place.

"You just give me the confidence to be myself. That's all I wanted. Even if there are no rules, the laws of love exist."

Suho slid his tongue between Banryu's lips and Banryu was just startled enough that Suho pushed him back, regaining his half step. For half a moment, Banryu considered biting Suho's tongue just to win, but decided that if this was what losing felt like now, then he didn't mind losing at all . Instead he pressed his tongue into Suho's and tried to move the action into Suho's mouth instead.

There was an instant where he felt a rumble from Suho, where he thought for a moment that he had just made Suho moan, and then a 'FWOOSH' from the stage had them jumping apart in shock just as confetti rained down on the crowd.

"So please just don't leave me. You've got the best of me!"

The crowd around them was still cheering and singing, all of their attention on the stage. Golden confetti settled in Suho's hair, making him look adorable. It must have landed in Banryu's too because Suho began to laugh – big, stomach clutching laughs barely drowned out by the music. Or maybe it was ecstasy from what they had just done. Banryu couldn't help but laugh along too, feeling like, for the first time, he was standing in the clouds.

As if in answer to Banryu's feelings, the song drew to a close.

"When you say that you love me, I walk above the clouds. Say that it's forever just one more time. When you say that you love me, all I need is that one phrase, that nothing will change, just one more time."

The crowd erupted into explosive applause.

Banryu and Suho gladly joined in.

…

…

fin