Kitana: This chapter could potentially contain some content that readers find uncomfortable or triggering such as mentions of abuse and torture. None of it is gone into in heavy detail.

The next morning, Judai didn't get a hug goodbye before Yusei was out the door and off to class. It had seemed like things were smoothed over. He'd seemed perfectly normal to him. The usual avoiding getting out of bed until the last minute, the usual greeting and a quiet breakfast. There wasn't any tension between them that he could feel, but when he left there was no goodbye hug. Judai had tried, but the other had stepped back and shook his head with an almost apologetic smile before leaving without so much as an explanation.

He really hadn't thought that last night would send him so many steps back in this regard. He thought they'd reached an agreement. That things were okay now. Their argument wasn't even about touch, so why would Yusei pull away?

"Martha, I just don't get it," Judai groaned, dramatically sitting down at the kitchen table and putting his chin on it. "Why does Yusei hate being touched so much? It's like he finds it repulsive sometimes… I mean, it seems like it's only noticeable when he's stressed, but still."

"Well, I can tell you he was never really a cuddly child unless he was sick and that was rare. He was far more interested in figuring out how things worked than seeking comfort, but he didn't start noticeably avoiding it until he became a teenager and he and the boys started running around with Kiryu taking over Satellite. Those crazy kids, I swear. They never considered how much worry they were putting me through… Whether or not they'd come home in pieces or at all." The matriarch shook her head. "It was some time after that that I noticed he started shrinking away from Jack and Crow on occasion. I didn't think much about it at the time. I thought he was just being a rebellious teen, and I could trust him to come to me when he was ready to talk. It's not my place to say what's going on in that head of his though."

Judai frowned a little. Yusei never talked about his past, even bringing up his parents before had been met with almost anger from the other, so he'd avoided the topic altogether. Sure, there were things he would rather Yusei never learn about him as well, but something like this felt important if they were going to be in a relationship together.

'Still ashamed of me, are you?' Haou huffed, the king sounding more annoyed than usual. 'It wasn't all my fault you know. You're just as much to blame and you know it. We took over the spirit world together. You loved it. The power. The freedom.'

Shut up.

"Thanks Martha. I just… I'd never hurt him. I've never hurt him or even jokingly threatened to. I don't understand why sometimes he acts like it." Judai continued to vent, sitting up straight now.

"He knows that, Judai. Just…give him time. He'll come around when he's ready." Martha assured, putting a hand on his shoulder before going to take care of her business for the day.

Judai wasn't satisfied with that though. He wanted to know what was up, no he felt like he needed to know. There had to be a reason Yusei was so against this and he didn't like any of his theories. He couldn't get the sight of him flinching when he'd wrapped his arms around him last night out of his head or how he'd cringed and tried to pull away when all he'd done was put a hand on his head. He hated to think that Yusei was scared of him. He wanted him to feel safe, and while he understood that trust had to be built over time, he needed to know what happened and if he had done something wrong.

'Are you sure you want to know?' Yubel asked, floating beside him. 'It's likely not something you can fix no matter how hard you try. Are you prepared for that? Besides, Martha said he'd tell you when he was ready. Shouldn't you trust her?'

Yes. I need to know. What if it's something I did that reminded him of something bad that happened and that's why he's scared? If it's something I can't fix, then…I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it. Judai replied with resolve, standing up from the table and flipping through the contacts on his phone. If he wanted answers and Yusei wasn't about to give them, maybe he could ask someone else for at least an idea of what kind of can of worms he was trying to pry open before he committed to it.

"Hey, Crow, are you working today?"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

They sat across from each other in a burger joint, just settling down after getting their orders.

"So, what is it you wanted to talk about, Judai?" Crow asked, dipping his fries in his milkshake.

Judai chose him because he seemed more likely to talk to him than Jack, and the blonde was probably in another country dueling right now. Crow was also more levelheaded in some cases.

"I just…wanted to ask if anything happened to Yusei. He flinches whenever I so much as try to hug him or hold his hand without asking first." Judai explained, trying not to sound as frustrated as he felt. "It's been a little over a month since we started dating, and he was starting to let me hug him, but then we had an argument last night and now it seems like I'm back to square one. Martha said he started acting like this after grouping up with someone named Kiryu. What happened?"

"No. I'm gonna stop you right there, Yuki." Crow interrupted, steel eyes turning cold. "If Yusei wanted to tell you about it, he would."

"…So something did happen." Judai sighed and let his shoulders drop. "Crow, I'm worried. I don't want to hurt him, but is it so wrong to want some kind of physical affection from my boyfriend?"

Crow didn't seem to have any sympathy for that. "Judai, you should have realized before getting into a relationship with him that Yusei isn't the touchy affectionate type." He sighed a little and took a drink. "Look, it's not my place to tell you what happened. That's up to him to share. I don't appreciate you trying to go behind his back and find out and he won't either. Trust me. He's trying for you. Just…be patient."

"Crow…Do you really think he'd talk to me? He hates talking about his past. He just tells me it's over and that all that matters is that things are okay now. He didn't even tell me he'd been arrested or what the mark on his face meant until some woman dragged her kid away from him." It felt like a hopeless situation. He doubted Yusei would tell him anything.

"No one talks about their time in the Facility, Judai. I don't blame him for not telling you that before he couldn't avoid it. But…yeah, I think he will talk to you." Crow admitted, looking away from Judai. Sure, he'd encouraged Yusei when he'd come to ask him and Jack about whether or not to pursue Judai, but he was still unsure about whether or not he liked this. Judai was from another timeline, and sooner or later he might have to go back forever and Yusei would be left behind again. That's how most of the movies portrayed it anyway, and he didn't like the idea of him getting hurt like that. "Have you tried asking him about this yet?"

"Well, no," Judai stumbled over his words. "I just assumed he wouldn't. Is the Facility that bad? It's just jail, isn't it? I mean, sure the living conditions are cramped but it can't be that bad if you didn't do anything really wrong, can it?"

"Define 'really wrong' for me, Judai, because to Neo Domino back then? Satellite's very existence was wrong. I won't tell you what happened to Yusei there. I'm not a blabber mouth, but all of my stays there were unpleasant to say the least." Crow huffed, folding his arms. "Finish your food. I'll take you home."

"I see…" He laughed nervously, not about to argue with him. "Alright."

The drive back was awkward, but Crow didn't say anything else about Yusei and neither did Judai. When he got back, they parted ways like they'd had a pleasant lunch and he was left to go back into the house and mull over the confirmation that something definitely had happened to Yusei. Both people he'd talked to had said to give Yusei time though. How much time was that supposed to be?

When Yusei had gotten home, Judai had run through so many ideas and theories that he'd almost made himself nauseous. The internet had done what it did best and made everything worse. He'd read over so many horror stories of what happened to people in the Facility. Did Yusei really go through that too? How long was he there? Was any of it even true? Judai tried to ignore this newfound information and walked up to greet Yusei as though nothing was amiss, a smile on his face and hoping maybe he was just overthinking all of this and this morning had just been a fluke.

"Welcome back, Yusei," he greeted as happily as he could muster, about to try to hug him again but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"Judai, thank you." The raven only smiled that same smile from that morning and lowered his hand, going about washing and putting away his lunch dishes. He seemed perfectly oblivious to the growing frown on his boyfriend's face especially as the day progressed.

He didn't once try to curl up to him that afternoon while studying, instead choosing to curl up with his blanket. Judai had tried to scoot over to him but was met with a quiet apology and polite request for space. Maybe Yusei had tried to reassure him that he wasn't upset with him and that it was just today, but that didn't stop the frustration.

"I'm sorry, Yusei, can we go for a walk?" Judai finally caved in after a couple hours of being unable to find anything interesting on TV to distract himself from the space between them and the thoughts swirling in his mind. There was still light out for now. "Please?"

Yusei looked out the window at the snow covered outdoors and then back to Judai like he'd grown a second head. "You want to go on a walk? Right now?"

Judai got up and nodded, holding his hand out to him. "Right now. Come on, you can drive us up to that cliff you like and walk around up there for a bit. I need some fresh air and…there's something I want to talk to you about. I'm not mad. I promise. Just… please and we go?"

Yusei's frown deepened, once more looking outside and grimacing at the thoughts of how cold it looked, but his shoulders dropped, and he closed his laptop. It must have been important if Judai was so insistent on dragging him out. He hesitated a little before accepting Judai's offered hand, standing with his help. "Alright… Just let me go put on a thicker jacket."

They were off within five minutes, Yusei bundling himself up in a thick hat, scarf and a second jacket over his usual. Judai felt a little bad for dragging him out into winter's cold winds, but he also knew he'd get a more honest answer from Yusei if they were truly alone.

When they arrived, he hopped off the dwheel, his shoes crunching in the snow. Yusei was still more reluctant and slow to get off and follow behind him. Perhaps he was as apprehensive as he was cold. Judai knew he would be if Yusei had asked the same.

"What did you want to talk about?" Yusei asked, stuffing his gloved hands into his pockets as they walked and burying his face into his scarf.

"Well, you see… I just-" Now that he was here, he was having second thoughts. What if Yusei got mad at him for asking and they fought again? He didn't want to walk home. Besides, what if what he read online was true?

'Just spit it out.' Yubel huffed. 'What ifs are meaningless. Either you ask or I will. It's up to him if he shares or not.'

"Yusei, I was curious. Why do you hate being touched?" Judai glanced back at him when he heard the footsteps behind him stop. Yusei looked surprised as if this was a new revelation to him, so he decided to explain himself. "Every time I've reached out to touch you, you flinch or pull away. You tense up whenever I hug you and shrink away from me like you're expecting something to hurt, especially if I or really anyone moves too quickly towards you. I-… I've never hurt you, and I'm not going to, Yusei. I promise. I just… I want to understand. Martha said you started acting a little like this after Kiryu and you mentioned before that you'd been arrested. Does that have anything to do with it?"

He took a chance and walked back to him, reaching out to cup his cheek and try to encourage him and help him see he was just concerned and worried about him, but the moment his hand so much as brushed his cheek over his mark, Yusei jerked back as if he'd been struck. "Yusei… What happened?"

What happened?

The question repeated itself over and over in Yusei's head as he drew his scarf up over his nose and took a step away from Judai, starting to shiver from more than just the cold. He knew this was bound to come up, but he still wasn't ready to answer. Just thinking about it was enough to put him on edge. He wished he could explain it wasn't that he didn't like physical contact. That he didn't enjoy being curled up to Judai and taking advantage of how warm and comfortable he was. It felt impossible though for him to understand. Especially when he couldn't find the words to explain himself.

"Stardust, you can trust me. I promise." Judai tried again, this time keeping still and just holding his hands out, palm up. "Talk to me, please."

"I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. I know you want more from me, and you deserve that. It's not your fault. I… I can't help it." Yusei balled his hands into fists in his pockets, looking down at the snow-covered ground and wanting it to open and swallow him whole. He took a deep breath and turned, walking towards the railing of the cliffside overlook. "Judai, a lot has happened, and I don't know that I'm ready to talk about it."

Judai followed after him and let him speak, honestly worried over the faraway glaze that had clouded the other's blue eyes. "Well, you don't have to talk about all of it, but…please, can you tell me a little? Did someone hurt you?"

That made Yusei almost shrink in on himself, his shoulders hunched, and his eyes now focused completely on a spot on the ground away from Judai. Though that was enough to give Judai an answer, he still gave a small nod.

"I… Satellite was dangerous, Judai, and I was naïve. I'd always seemed to have something protecting me in one way or another while I was growing up, but it vanished when I turned about 12. After that, I… I truly learned the place I lived in wasn't just a dump for trash, but the people that Neo Domino didn't want to deal with. I was jumped by a gang when I wandered out of the neutral zone around Martha's place. Jack and Crow carried me home once they found me. I'd tried to drag myself back, but only made it as far as the border. Things like that kept happening to all of us, and it wasn't long before Kiryu showed up. He…was confident and charismatic. It was easy to follow him and believe in his cause and we were getting too old to stay with Martha all the time anymore. So, we joined him and formed a gang, Team Satisfaction.

I guess we did what all teenagers did. We rough housed with each other and fought other gangs for territory through dueling. We even chased Security out of some areas. The goal was to take over all of Satellite. Make it safe under our rule so it would be safer for the younger kids at the orphanage. I wanted to prove myself to Kiryu. He…meant a lot to me."

"Did you, you know, like him?" Judai asked, unable to keep his curiosity to himself.

"I might have. I was young and he was just a couple years older. He paid attention to me and helped Jack and Crow. I was enamored. It felt like he treated me differently, but that was all in my head. Just a crush and nothing more. Besides, at the time, I really didn't think that kind of relationship was appropriate or acceptable. I really wanted to show Kiryu that I was… well, more.

I went on my own to try and claim a small section. The gang was rumored to be small and weak. I figured I could take them without the others for back up. They found out I was coming though and not only did I lose the duel and my deck, but…they decided to make a more physical impression. They used me as a warning of what happened when you entered their turf and discarded me in front of Jack's theater when they were done… Kiryu was furious with them and with me. He backhanded me and grabbed me by my arm which I found out later was broken so he could squeeze my side while he yelled at me. I knew my ribs were at least bruised, possibly fractured… Crow had to pull Jack off him, and honestly, I think I walked away from that in better condition. I'd never been struck before by anyone I considered family though, let alone had them intentionally hurt me. Not even Martha ever truly raised a hand to me other than maybe a swipe on my bottom when I was a kid… It didn't happen again until after we'd taken over Satellite and Kiryu started to become radical and extreme. Then, he would lash out whenever things didn't go his way or if we…rather if I tried to oppose him. I thought if I stayed by his side, the old Kiryu would come back, but he never did."

The words left his mouth as though they weren't his own. Yusei didn't feel like he was fully aware of them, and that he was listening to them just as Judai was. Once he'd started; however, it was difficult to stop even though he knew that what happened after Kiryu was far worse than simply being jumped, beat up or the events he'd left out. He didn't want to remember that, nor did he ever want Judai to learn of it.

"I got better after he was arrested, and for a few years things were okay. Then Jack pulled some stupid stunts which resulted in him stealing my original dwheel and Stardust, forcing me to build a new dwheel and chase after him. You remember how I told you Satellite and Neo Domino were separate though, right? Members of Satellite were forbidden from entering Neo Domino. After my duel with Jack, I was arrested…"

The memories of that night were still burned into his mind clear as day. The confusion, betrayal and fear as he was pulled off his runner while one of his closest friends only watched. Being handcuffed and thrown into the back of a patrol car. The pitch darkness followed by blinding light and questions from an unknown voice interrogating him. The pain of the mark being etched and embedded into his face. He could still remember how it felt to be herded like livestock into a cell and only referred to by a number. Then…there was the Chief.

He screwed his eyes shut, easily able to recall the scent of his breath in his face in place of the winter wind followed by the phantom sensation of nose hairs being blown onto his face. He could feel those large grimy hands searching him before giving the order for Yusei to be stripped. It was all too easy to remember the invasive search before he was strapped down to the metal table and the agonizing pain that followed. The electrocution from that cursed duel which seemed to set off a series of physically and emotionally painful duels one after the other.

Yusei felt himself slipping, falling down the rabbit hole like he'd done so many times during and after his stay in the Facility. After the Dark Signers. After Zone. He shook his head in attempts to shake the vertigo making his legs tremble, muttering an almost silent plea of 'stop' as he reached up, pinching his arm as hard as he could to try and snap himself out of it.

"…usei. Yusei! Stop it, you're hurting yourself."

His head snapped up when hands covered his own and pulled it off his arm. Judai clutched onto his hand and was staring at him with large worried eyes. His lips were moving, but Yusei was struggling to make sense of the sounds coming out of his mouth. He tried to pull his hand away, but Judai had an iron death grip on him.

"Let me go," he pleaded, using his free hand to attempt pushing Judai's off. In a swift motion though that hand was captured as well.

"Yusei! Look. At. Me." Judai's voice was nearly thunderous to his ears held such an air of command there was no ignoring it.

Blue, tear-filled eyes met gold and though he only wanted to struggle more and escape, Yusei stopped and simply stood there, staring and trembling. He watched closely and didn't dare move a muscle as Judai slowly let go with one hand and brought it up to his face. He held his breath as Judai's hand lingered just within sight before it very gently was placed on his right cheek.

"Shhhh," Judai whispered, leaving his hand there until Yusei pressed his face into it. "There. See? You're okay. You're safe."

Yusei felt the grip on his hand loosen and watched Judai drop his other arm to his side out of the corner of his eyes. He didn't dare break eye contact with him and watched as his eyes had melted into a warm chocolate brown. When he felt the other try to take his hand away, his own hands flew up reflexively to hold it in place by grabbing hold of his fingers and wrist.

"Wait. Don't…" He didn't understand himself. He didn't want anyone to touch him when he felt like this, but…this felt okay. He wanted this.

His shoulders and back finally released the tension that strung them tighter than a violin's strings. He let go of Judai's hand and he took a step towards him then another, so he was almost nose to nose with him. Yusei pursed his lips then bowed his head and let himself slump forward, his head coming to rest on Judai's shoulder as he wrapped his arms tentatively around him. He waited anxiously before he felt Judai's arms slowly come up to hold him securely to the other's chest. This time, he didn't flinch when a hand carded its fingers in his hair.

"You're safe, Yusei. I promise. I'm so sorry I asked about this. I shouldn't have pushed you." Judai spoke quietly over his head. "It's okay…You're okay."

Something deep within him started to crumble as he listened to him and with it fell his resolve. Yusei buried his face into the crook of Judai's neck, and he gripped the back of his jacket like a lifeline feeling Judai's grip around him tightened in kind. He wasn't entirely sure if he was crying or if he was just having a hard time breathing still. All he wanted was to hide in the warmth of this embrace until the phantom touches and pain faded back into the background of his mind before vanishing altogether. It was only then when he felt like he could breathe again that he dared to lift his head.

His throat still felt tight and his voice was quiet when he finally tried to speak. He was scared. He didn't know if Judai was going to reject him after seeing him act like this, and he hadn't even told him the worst of what happened. He was sure the other would leave him for being so weak and pathetic. "Judai…"

"Yusei…listen, I'm so sorry. I really am. I… I shouldn't have pried. I didn't mean for this, I swear. I'm sorry. I just…I was selfish." Judai still didn't feel like he had all the answers he wanted, but he knew better than to try and push Yusei for more tonight. That could wait, and at least now he had an idea of why.

"No, it's not your fault. I…I don't know why this happens. Sometimes, I can talk to Crow or Jack or Aki and be fine…other times, this happens. I don't understand. I'm sorry." He shook his head and nestled back into the other after a particularly strong gust of wind blew by. "I'm cold… can we go back now?"

"Yeah, of course. Whatever you want, Stardust."

Kitana: Yusei's got a lot of built up trauma and not a lot of good coping mechanisms. Writing this was hard, is hard. I didn't want to portray panic or flashbacks inappropriately or romanticize it.
Judai also displays his love and affection through touch. Being blocked from doing so is really upsetting for him, so I hope that explains his impulsivity and insistence on finding out why his boyfriend won't let him.

As always, thank you for reading, reviewing and favoriting/following!
Questions? You can reach me on tumblr: kitana-lunara or send me a pm