Disclaimer: All Fairy Tail Characters Belong To Hiro Mashima

Chapter 16: Things I Needed To Say

"You're gonna get it!" Wendy squealed after Natsu dumped a bucket of seawater on her. The same bucket of water he had so gallantly offered to go get for her to help her build a sand castle.

He began to run, laughing at her drenched locks and shivering body in the hot sun. He ran fast enough to challenge her, but slow enough to let her catch up to him and retaliate with a bucket of her own. Unfortunately for her, most of the contents of the bucket had fallen out as she ran after him and Natsu laughed at her, looking smug. He continued to run along the shore, his feet landing in the water as the waves rolled into the beach.

Wendy promptly decided to tackle him instead. She ran at him and Natsu had been too busy laughing to stop her so they both ended up in the water. She quickly filled the bucket and dumped it over his head. He looked at her admiringly.

"You're getting stronger," he complimented. "You would never have been able to pull that off the last time we were here."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "That's because the last time we were here I was six."

"No you weren't, you were five." Natsu smiled. "I distinctly remember. We had your birthday party here that year."

"You weren't here the last time we were here, Natsu," Wendy pointed out, "You were away at camp."

"What on Earth are you talking about, Wendy?" Natsu asked looking confused. "Gray and I always wanted to go to camp but they never let us."

Wendy watched her brother carefully. She knew for a fact that he had gone to camp. She still remembered how jealous she had been and how lonely the week had been without him. She couldn't understand why he would be denying it. It wasn't like him to lie and the look on his face made her nervous. He looked scared. She decided that she wouldn't push it. She could ask Zeref about it later.

"Oh, I must be mistaken," Wendy said while looking at the water. "Want to swim for awhile?"

"Sure," Natsu replied half heartedly. He wasn't sure why Wendy's words bothered him but he felt that weird sensation threatening to overwhelm him again. What was wrong with him? Why did he feel so strange? He didn't have the answer to either of these questions and it scared him a little. He couldn't remember ever feeling this way before yesterday. And what was up with all the strange dreams? Why did they feel so vivid? It was almost like he was reliving something. He'd never kissed Gray. He was certain he would remember something like that. The only person he'd ever kissed was Lucy.

"Natsu?" Wendy called out. She'd been trying to get his attention for a few minutes but her brother seemed to be off in his own little world. He finally looked over at her, his movements sluggish."I changed my mind. Do you think you can teach me how to boogie board?" Wendy asked in an attempt to bring her brother back from wherever he had just been.

Natsu blinked and smiled at her. "Sure, I'd love to! Let me go get some boards from the garage." He got out of the water and turned. "Can you get out 'til I come back? Zeref will have my hide if he sees I left you alone in the water."

Wendy rolled her eyes but did as requested, making a show of sitting on the sand. Natsu smiled at her and hurried towards the garage, returning quickly with three boards, some fins, and several other small items. He grabbed the wax and showed Wendy how to prepare her board as he did the same to his. They put on the fins and attached the board's leashes to their biceps.

Natsu wasn't sure how much time he had spent showing Wendy how to boogie board but the smile on her face made him feel a distant happiness. He looked back at the shore and saw Zeref sitting under the shade of an umbrella. He was on a blanket, his camera out snapping pictures of the two of them. Natsu noticed Zeref wasn't even looking at the board he had brought out for him and realized too late that it was something Zeref probably couldn't do anymore. Natsu decided to get out and sit with him.

"Wendy!" he yelled to get her attention. Once she had caught her first wave, she hadn't stopped. She finally looked his way and he signalled that he was getting out but she could stay. She nodded and continued looking for a wave to catch, while Natsu rode a small one all the way to the beach. He got up and removed the leash and fins, planting his board next to Zeref's.

He shook the excess water out of his hair and sat down next to his brother.

"She's doing pretty well, nice job." Zeref complimented. "Well, better than you did your first time."

"Maybe that's because I didn't try to drown her in the process," Natsu retorted.

"What? I wanted to make sure you didn't panic if a wave pushed you under," Zeref said, hiding a small smile at the memory.

"Do you miss it?" Natsu asked quietly, looking at the board he had brought out. Some of his best memories of summer revolved around boogie boarding with Zeref and their cousins.

"Nah, that's ok. I did it plenty." Zeref smiled at Natsu while ruffling his wet hair. "I try not to think about the things I can't do, I just focus on the ones I can." After a brief silence, Zeref spoke. "Want to help me try something?"

"Sure, what?" Natsu asked and watched curiously as Zeref put the camera on a tripod and played around with a few options. He looked through the viewfinder until he was satisfied and walked back, putting his arm around Natsu.

"Smile," Zeref instructed and Natsu did so as he put his arm across his brother's shoulders, enjoying his warmth. As much as he hated to admit it he'd always looked up to Zeref - when he was younger Natsu had followed Zeref around. He'd tried to insinuate himself into everything Zeref did and most of the time his brother had let him. Natsu looked away from the camera and glanced at his brother's face, seeing the dark circles around the eyes and the tired look on his face, none of which kept him from still smiling for the camera.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Natsu asked,the words bursting out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Zeref didn't answer, making his way towards the camera. He removed it from the tripod and examined the pictures it had captured. He smiled and walked back to Natsu and showed him.

"I like this one." Zeref pointed to the one of the two of them smiling. It had come out quite two of them stood with their arms around each other, their grandfather's house a perfect backdrop behind them. Zeref pushed some buttons and another picture popped on the screen. "But this one here is why I didn't tell you."

In the picture, Natsu was looking at Zeref, who was still smiling for the camera. Natsu examined his expression and frowned. He looked forlorn as he looked at his brother's smiling face.

"We were getting ready to tell you." Zeref started. "Dad and I."Zeref stared off to sea, watching Wendy manage a particularly large wave and smiling proudly.

"But then Dad…." Zeref continued almost in a daze, "and you….. well I couldn't just tell you then could I? It was too much for the two of you to handle. So I decided to wait." Zeref sighed, the first outward sign of his discomfort. "I wasn't expecting that I would get worse so quickly. None of us did."

Natsu remained silent, watching Zeref and wondering how he never saw it. He'd been so self involved - he saw that now - and poor Zeref had no choice but to immerse himself in taking care of his siblings.

"I'm so sorry, Zer." Natsu grimaced. "I was such an ass."

"Don't worry about it." Zeref waved him off. "You didn't do anything I didn't do when Mom died. Trust me, I was a handful to Dad and he sure as hell had no idea what to do with any of us."

"I was so jealous of you then," Zeref said and the words hung in the air much like Natsu's jaw.

"You were jealous of me?" Natsu repeated, flabbergasted. "What on Earth for?"

"You had the relationship with Mom that I wanted," Zeref said with bitterness.

"What?" Natsu sputtered. "She was with you all the time. She always picked you to go with her."

"Is that what you thought?" Zeref's laugh grated on Natsu's nerves. It was not a laugh he ever wanted to hear again.

"She didn't pick me to do anything, Natsu. I was getting the same treatments as her." Zeref explained. "Yes, I did see her all the time. In pain, which she tried to hide so as not to scare me. It was horrible." He shuddered as he remembered the long treatments at the hospital. "And no matter how much she tried to be strong and hide it, it didn't matter. I was feeling the exact same thing. I knew."

"But then she'd come home and go straight to you and Wendy. She'd read you stories and cuddle with you, while I was always in the background. Watching but never taking part." Zeref plunged his fingers in the sand and began to play with the grains sifting between his fingers. "Then it was Dad's turn, and he was never one to share her."

"I would listen to her tell you stories about Fairy Tail at night." Zeref looked at Natsu and smiled. "That was the one thing I was the most jealous about. She made a world just for you, a place where you could be anything you wanted and not once did she put me in that world with you. I couldn't help but listen, I loved those stories but they always made me sad because it was never my world. I didn't belong there. They were your special thing that you shared."

"That's not true!" Natsu argued. "You were named because of Zera, she wanted to bring her to life, she told me so. I don't really know why she did that anyway, she started telling me those when I was very young."

Zeref shrugged, not wanting to go down that rabbit hole until he had to.

"Don't get me wrong, I know she loved me." Zeref explained, "I just wished our relationship would have been more than a shared affliction."

"I'm sorry." Natsu bowed his head, not knowing what to say. He knew his mother had always paid him a lot of attention but he'd always thought it was to make up for his father's distance.

"It's ok. It wasn't your fault." Zeref smiled, although it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Are you scared?" Natsu asked. "Never mind, I guess that's a stupid question."

"I'm not really scared for me, if that's what you mean," Zeref replied with an honesty that surprised the both of them. "Everyone dies eventually. I'm scared for the two of you, but I worry about you most of all."

"Me?" Natsu startled. 'But why?"

"Because after Mom and Dad died, you shut down. You wouldn't let anyone near you, and you've just started opening up to others again. I don't want you to go back, Natsu. Promise me."

"I- I can't do that," Natsu replied avoiding the eyes that were attempting to see deeper into him than he was comfortable with. "I promise I'll take care of Wendy but I don't-"

"That's not good enough!" Zeref snapped a little louder than he meant to. "Natsu, look at me."

Natsu looked up at his brother, even though he really didn't want to.

"Why do you do that?" Zeref asked softly. "Why do you push everyone away? Are you afraid they're going to leave you too?"

Natsu sighed. "That's part of it, but it's not really why."

"Then what?" Zeref looked at Natsu and told him earnestly, "Natsu, I really want to understand."

Natsu remained quiet for a while. He looked down at the sand and wished he could bury himself in it. To feel warm and safe and alone hiding amidst billions of granules of sand, a fitting metaphor for how he wished to live his life. He wanted to explain, to give Zeref that much of himself, but he'd held on to it for so long. He closed his eyes tightly and let go. Zeref deserved that much.

"They- they want too much from me. They want things from me that I'm not ready to give."

"What kinds of things? What are you talking about?" Zeref asked with concern.

"I don't know how to explain it," Natsu said curling into himself like he had when he was a child. He looked vulnerable and Zeref felt helpless to protect him. He reached out to touch him but stopped. He realized with a sinking heart that he'd never really been able to help Natsu and that thought hurt him to his core. It would be his biggest regret.

"People exhaust me. They want things from you even when they say they don't. Maybe it's love, or sex, or money, or attention, or approval. Whatever it is, it just takes way too much effort for me to provide it, and I end up feeling exhausted and empty after. I can't do any of it, I just don't feel anything anymore, Zeref." Natsu already looked tired from his outburst.

"Come here," Zeref commanded, and when Natsu stretched himself out from his previous position, Zeref laid him out on his lap and stroked his hair. "Do you remember when Mom used to do this when we were upset?"

"Yeah, I miss her," Natsu said, and as he looked up at his older brother he saw him blinking away tears. "Hey, why are you crying?"

"Nothing, I just miss her too." Zeref lied as he wiped his eyes, "It's impossible to be here and not think of her."

Natsu nodded and accepted the explanation.

"Is that why you broke up with Lucy?" Zeref asked curiously. "She wanted more from you than what you were willing to give?"

"If that's a weird euphemism for sex, no," Natsu replied.

"Why not?"

"I'm not talking to my virgin brother about my sex life."

Zeref chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"The fact that you think I'm a virgin." Zeref chuckled again.

"You're not?" Natsu said with surprise."I've never seen you with anyone."

"Just because I chose not to have relationships doesn't mean that I didn't date, Natsu," Zeref pointed out. "Why would I want to leave someone behind to mourn me? Just look at Dad, the mess he was after Mom died."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I just don't know any girls who would be okay with that."

Zeref began to laugh again.

"What? Now you're going to tell me you're gay?" Natsu sat up from Zeref's lap to get a better look at his face.

"Hang on," Zeref got up from the blanket and headed towards the water to call Wendy in. Natsu let his gaze settle on the water as he waited. Trying to explain how he felt had left him feeling unsettled - it was not something he had ever put into words before. He wanted to feel calm and water had always had that effect on him.

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a girl walking with a bounce to her step. He didn't know what it was about her but his heart suddenly felt tight in his chest. He turned his head to get a better look. She continued to walk in the same way, her long blonde hair, that came down to the hem of her white dress, flowed behind her as she walked further away. He was spellbound, watching the girl stop and examine some shells before continuing on her way. Her back was turned to him so no matter how hard he tried he could not see her face.

Cold drops of water startled him from his reverie as Wendy stood next to him, dripping wet, and without a word he handed her a towel. Natsu looked for the girl he had been watching but much to his surprise, she was gone. His eyes darted around the beach. She had disappeared.

"Gramps wanted you to go spend some time with him," Zeref informed his younger sister. Wendy looked ready to protest but thought better of it.. Instead, she gave them both hugs and went inside to look for her grandfather. Zeref sat back under the umbrella.

Natsu shook his head slowly, trying to erase the image of the girl from his mind. He shifted his attention to Zeref and waited patiently for his answer, but after the silence had gone on for a while he decided to push. "Well?" Natsu asked.

"I'm not gay, I'm bi," Zeref said evenly while he gauged Natsu's reaction to his words. "You're right though, I didn't meet many girls who were okay with that arrangement. Guys were a different matter." Zeref grinned and winked at Natsu.

"You are so not who I thought you were," Natsu said, and as he gave the matter some thought he came to an unpleasant conclusion. "Ew, you didn't use one of those phone apps, did you?"

"Of course not," Zeref assured him, "That's dangerous, you never know who you're going to meet. Besides, I didn't want random hookups -I just didn't want to complicate things."

"You know that makes no sense, right?"

"So I've been told. So now that you have my credentials, is that what you couldn't give her? Sex?"

"You really think little Lucy Heartfilia wanted to have sex with me?"

"Yes, I'm sure she did," Zeref replied with a knowing smile. "She's not that little anymore, Natsu, and at your age it's only natural."

Natsu looked at his brother, still amazed at all the things he had learned about him in the last few minutes. It was like he'd never known him at all, but he had been very honest and Natsu felt he should do the same. "Fine, I'll tell you. She wanted me to love her the same way she loved me and I couldn't."

Zeref stared at Natsu, trying to understand what he had just heard. "Did you love her?"

"I already told you, I don't feel much of anything. I'm not even sure how we started dating. When her mom died she started coming over a lot; she knew that she could be miserable around us because we understood and we wouldn't try to make her smile or act like everything was fine."

"Then Gray started to date Cana and we'd all go places together. I guess she thought we were dating too and it didn't bother me enough to correct her. I thought she was like me, just going through the motions, but she wasn't. She got into the whole relationship thing. She was happy, Dad was happy, Wendy was happy - hell, everyone was happy but me."

"When Dad died, it was just too much. We moved to the new house, we started those stupid family dinners, you were in charge, everything was changing but at the same time too much remained the same. Everyone was all over me again, asking how I was, wanting to help, being generally loud and nosy. Lucy was the worst of all, and it made me feel dead inside 'cause all she was doing was trying to love me and I...I couldn't keep up the act anymore. I was going to hurt her regardless, it just seemed cruel to keep pretending something I didn't feel. All I wanted was to be left alone, so I broke it off.

"This time I was determined to isolate myself from everyone, but fucking Gray wouldn't let me. He kept following me around and getting in my face when I pushed him away, and fighting me when I didn't respond. He made me realize that as much as I wanted to, I couldn't let him go. I needed him. Gray and Wendy are all I have left from when we were all happy and apparently I can't let go of that, because I want it back. Even though I know it's impossible, even though it kills me every time I let myself think about it, I want it all back."

Zeref remained silent, not really knowing what to say. He did the only thing he could - he put his arms around his younger brother and held him for as long as Natsu would allow. It didn't last for as long as he would have liked but that was Natsu, you couldn't force him to do anything. He was stubborn and did things his own way and he had not allowed himself to receive much in the way of comfort since their mother had died. This was the part where Zeref really missed his parents. One of them would have known what to say to Natsu to make him feel better, but he was at a loss. Strike that - Mom would have known what to say. Dad never knew what to do with Natsu, mostly leaving him to Zeref, or to his own devices. How he wished that Natsu would have let him get him some help. All this talk of being numb worried him. After everything that had happened and everything Natsu had been through, it was impossible for him to not feel anything Those feelings had to be buried somewhere. What would happen when they finally made themselves known, would it be too much?

That reminded him of the task they had set Natsu for the summer and he decided to change the subject to something more mundane. "How's the writing going?"

"Uhm, it's going fine," Natsu answered, looking away towards the shore once more, absolutely not looking for the girl from earlier. He didn't want to talk about his writing, not now that he knew Fairy Tail was a sore topic for Zeref.

"You don't have to act so uncomfortable. I know what you're writing about, it's okay." Zeref tried to make his voice reflect his feelings on the subject. He thought that writing was a good way for Natsu to work through his feelings and so far it seemed like he'd been doing just that. "It was special to you and I'm glad you've kept up with it. I think Mom would have approved. Did Wendy like the one you wrote for her?"

"Yeah." Natsu mumbled. "I hadn't really planned on writing any more of them."

"I think you should, they obviously mean something to you," Zeref encouraged him. "Have you gotten any feedback?"

"There was this one person for the first one." Natsu replied. "I really haven't checked the other one."

"Did you reply to them?"

"I did." Natsu said.

Zeref looked at Natsu thoughtfully. "You know, if they comment on the next one you should try to get a conversation going."

"Why would I want to do that?" Natsu grumbled.

"Well, you said that people exhaust you, right?" Zeref said slowly as he continued thinking through what he was about to suggest. "What about online people?"

Natsu shrugged - he didn't do much in the way of internet chatting. It was too much noise. The few times he had done stuff online it was usually with his friends.

"Maybe you need to make a friend that doesn't know anything about you." Zeref spoke faster as he became more convinced that this was a good idea. "After Mom and Dad died, my therapist suggested that I go to a support group for ARVD. It was a disaster, I think I traumatized every single person there. I mean, this disease is supposed to be managed easily by medicine and here I am going on about how I'm dying from it and nothing can be done about it. That was not one of Dr. Invel's better suggestions."

"Anyway, I went looking for support groups online, trying to find someone who was more like me. It took awhile but I did find someone and we became good friends. They were easy to talk to and it helped me sometimes. He was someone I could talk to when there was no one else who would understand, and all they knew about me was what I was willing to tell them."

"You said was…." Natsu trailed off.

"Yeah, he opted to do the heart transplant." Zeref's eyes darkened and he looked away. "He uh, he didn't make it. His wife had just had a baby and he wanted to be there to see her grow up, but he died during surgery " He sighed. It still hurt. "He's the reason I decided against the transplant. Whatever time I have left, I want to spend it with you guys, not in hospitals."

"I'm sorry, Zer." Natsu was glad he had not yet broached the topic of the transplant - he had meant to. There was so much about Zeref that he and Wendy had no idea about.

"Thanks. The point I'm trying to make is this - being able to talk to somebody who didn't know much about me was helpful. I could control when we talked as well as what we talked about. It could be helpful to you too. You literally have nothing to lose. It might be good for you to have someone to talk to outside of Gray, especially if you're going to be living with him. Will you at least think about it?"

Natsu looked doubtful but he nodded. He'd think about it. It might be nice to not be so lonely all the time. The idea of having someone to talk to that didn't want anything but conversation from him was appealing.

"So how come you were up so early?" Zeref changed the topic, they'd had enough sad talk for today.

"It's stupid," Natsu said. "I had a bad dream and I couldn't get back to sleep. Gramps found me on the beach and dragged me with him."

"I'm sure it must have been driving him crazy to not have taken you out yet - I was ten when he taught me." Zeref's eyes twinkled as he remembered the time he and Laxus had been taught to fish on their grandfather's boat. They'd ended up fighting and Laxus had gone overboard. Gramps had been furious with them.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do you think that dreams mean anything?" Natsu asked and his tone caught Zeref's attention.

"What do you mean? Like walking into a classroom naked and realizing you didn't study for a test?" Zeref laughed. "I hate those."

"No, nothing like that. I've just been having these dreams and they feel so real, and I'm starting to wonder if they're trying to tell me something." Natsu shook his head. "That's stupid though, right? Dreams are just random images, they don't mean anything."

"I don't know about that. Maybe if you tell me about it we can figure it out," Zeref offered. "It's not like we have anywhere else to be."

"Well, I've been having these dreams about Gray-"

"GRAMPS!" Laxus voice could be heard clearly even from a distance. The sheer panic that edged it was enough to make Zeref scramble to his feet.

"What the hell?" Zeref muttered as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing. Laxus seemed to be carrying someone in his arms. There was a boy next to him that looked to be around Natsu's age carrying two large bags. He could see that both figures were trying to move faster but were weighed down by their respective burdens. More importantly, the person in Laxus' arms did not appear to be moving.

"GRAMPS!" Laxus yelled again and Zeref finally reacted. He ran towards the house to find his grandfather. It was obvious that they needed help.

Natsu had stopped talking as soon as he heard his cousin's yells. He watched, undecided as to what to do. He didn't like the expression on the boy's face. The boy looked worried and that meant that something was wrong. Natsu shifted his attention towards Laxus, who was finally close enough to make out clearly. He looked worried as well. Who were these people? Where had Laxus found them? He decided to go to them and at least help the boy with the bags - he looked like he was getting ready to keel over at any second. Natsu ran towards them and as he got closer he heard them talking. He froze in mid-step at the utterance of a single word.

"Freed doesn't look so good," Bickslow said as he tried to keep up with the larger man who was carrying his brother to what he hoped was safety.

"He'll be fine, we're almost there," Laxus panted. His arms were beginning to burn from the exertion but the house was already visible. He could stand it for a bit longer; he had seen Zeref run towards the house so he hoped that someone would come out soon.

He saw Natsu standing at a distance staring at them. There was something in his stance that told Laxus that something was wrong but he couldn't imagine what it could be. He couldn't worry about it now.

Natsu continued to stare. Freed? He didn't know anyone by that name. Why did he freeze at the mere mention of it? He looked closely at who Laxus was carrying and immediately noticed two things - green hair and blood. Just like in his dream. Natsu wanted to run but he couldn't, he could only stand there and stare. It felt so frighteningly familiar, the standing and staring. He began to tremble when he felt a hand grab his and squeeze it. He heard a voice he had not heard for a very long time say calmly, "Natsu, look at me. Everything's going to be alright." As the tears began to flow he couldn't turn his head to look,he knew in his heart that if he did, nothing would ever be alright again.

o-o

A/N I normally don't like to give apologies or explanations as to why it took me so long to update a story but it has been a long time and I feel that you are owed something. This chapter is a very important one, and I wanted to get it right. I'd like to thank splendidlyimperfect for all their help in editing. If you have somehow not yet discovered their work, do yourself a favor and look them up.

I have also been busy putting together a writers group out of tumblr, Fairy Tail LGBTales ( ftlgbtales). Several writers you might recognize have agreed to be a part of it and I am so honored by their support. We are going to be hosting a month long event in October to celebrate the return of the anime, which premieres on October 2nd. This is a shameless recruitment plug for any of you Fairy Tail writers who write stories in the LGBT space to come join us. We are attempting to build a safe community for Fairy Tail writers and readers, where we can enjoy being part of the fandom again. You don't need to have a tumblr account to be a part of this group, we communicate through a discord server. Feel free to PM me, reach out in the comments, reach out to me on tumblr, smoke signal or whatever you do to communicate. The username is always the same: mdelpin. :)

We are currently running a poll to have fans pick what pairings will be featured in our Week 2: MLM/Slash, you can vote for your three favorites and the top 5 will be included. You can vote here: /forms/ssNOc0wlqhecQkqt1.

On top of that I participated in Gratsu Week for the first time. It was a really fun experience, even though it was a stressful blur. A whole week of writing from prompts, something I'm not used to, it was intense and I never would have gotten through it without the help and support of our writers group. We sprinted (word wars) together to keep focused, we brainstormed, had insult wars, came up with truth or dares for the characters and read each other's work. It was amazing and fun and will be a memory I will forever cherish.

In other news, months ago I entered this story in a wattpad contest (The Fairy Tail Awards) and it somehow won first place in it's category (New to the Guild - Modern), so that's exciting.

Thank you for being patient with me, I hope this chapter was worth the wait.

-mdelpin