disclaimer: SAO is not mine, and neither is the awesome cover art. all credit goes to the creators of these masterpieces. thank you!

warnings: major character death, suicidal thoughts/attempts, survivor's guilt, fallout of co-dependence

A/N: If anyone needs context... this begins a little after the scene in ep. 14 (just prior to the 75th boss fight), when Kirito asks Asuna to stay behind and she says she'll kill herself.

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"All of your scars will disappear

I will become your sword and shield

This crossing fields

The path that we select.

The promise we made will last for all our days.

If it's our bonds we live by,

I will put my faith in you."

- Crossing Fields (Amalee)

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November 7, 2024

— 12:21 AST —

Asuna doesn't know how long she sits there, on the cold tile of the guild's headquarters. She knows it must have been a while – the clock chimes every half-hour, and she's heard at least several – but every click of the minute-hand feels like moments slipping between her fingers, too fast.

She's never liked the cold, impersonal feel of this place; the Granzam building. Asuna feels like an intruder every time she steps here – which is as little as she's required – even if it is her own. She has been with the Knights of the Blood Oath for what feels like forever, but as she sits there, gazing at the blood-red banner that came with the new building, Asuna realizes she has no idea what they've become.

Her skin crawls; the cold of the room seeping through to her bones.

She doesn't want to be here – in these steel-framed halls – even if she has to join her guild for the boss raid soon enough, anyway. But as Asuna shifts, feeling the warmth beside her… she finds she doesn't really want to be anywhere else, either.

Kirito sits slumped against her, his warmth seeping through the coolness of the metal wall against their backs.

It's him that asked her to sit there as they waited, on the floor of her office. Asuna had insisted they leave, to get away from here and find something to keep her mind busy – waiting had never been easy for Asuna – but Kirito had asked her to stay. And one look into his dark eyes and she'd just... given in.

There was something incredibly fragile in him, then, and after screaming herself hoarse and the cold truth bruised beneath their skin—

You'd know what I'd do if you never came back?

—Asuna's throat felt too tight to do anything but nod and curl down beside him. Kirito let her lean her head against his shoulder, his breaths soft above her temple.

And so they waited.

"Hey, Asuna?"

His words break the silence; Asuna glances up at him. "Yes?"

Kirito's look is thoughtful.

"Do you... you know, ever wonder what it would be like, if none of this happened?"

He shifts above her, making Asuna pull back slightly, looking him in the eyes. "The Knights of the Blood Oath, you mean?"

"Well, no. But that too, I guess." Kirito looks away after a moment; his eyes cast down at the floor's sheets of steel. "I meant... everything. All this…"

When he pulls away from her, disentangling them, Asuna doesn't expect him to lift Dark Repulser from his side – let alone strike the floor, purple light engulfing the blade. She flinches at the hiss of steel against steel, followed by the system's discordant beep of warning.

If he'd hit anything else – even as casually as he did – Asuna knew Kirito's STR-infused strike would have shattered it. But out of all the things you can destroy in SAO – lives; families; sanity – buildings aren't one of them.

The «immortal surface» icon fades after a few seconds. Asuna stares at the tile left behind it, aware of how it's unnaturally smooth; how she can't see her reflection in it, no matter how polished it becomes. It's all so normal to her now, but it reminds her of how… not normal, this is.

Kirito's expression is unreadable, as he lets his weapon sit beside them, glistening.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like, if none of this happened?

"Sometimes, I do," she admits, after a moment.

She thinks of her desk at home – the papers she hated and grades she dreaded and the lectures… Her mother's lectures she can't believes she misses but she does. She thinks of her brother and how she yelled at him for being so busy he left her life; for never calling, for never getting takoyaki, like they used to – like they never might again.

"But there's no point to that." She thinks of all the times she let herself think of that – remembers the senseless tears, the shaking hands and locking herself away for days – and Asuna clenches a fist. "It did happen, and now we have to deal with it. Wishing things that could have been won't solve anything."

She doesn't mean for it to come out so – chastising, but she can't help herself. Her fists are drawn against her lap.

"Is that what you tell your guild members?" Kirito says, unaffected. He seems almost amused. You're one of those too now, thank you very much - but then Asuna remembers whose fault that is, and just shakes her head.

"It doesn't solve anything, Kirito," Asuna repeats firmly, trying to pin him with her gaze. "Everyone in the guild goes through a cycle of that... wondering, and I can't let them. We can't dwell on things we can't change."

"I get that," he says, and Asuna flushes a little because... she knows he does. But you just can't look back. "And it's true. Thinking about the awful things - it drives you to the brink."

The swordsman pauses, before his voice turns oddly soft. "But good things happened here, too, Asuna. And if none of this happened, they wouldn't have either."

Kirito is staring at the far wall, Asuna is suddenly conscious of how close they are; of the laughs they've shared, the irritating smirk and shove-fests – the way she's teased him and shared bits of her life, her feelings… things she's so comfortable doing with him now, in a way she hasn't ever in real life.

"Kirito..." she says. The young man's look is serious. "What's your point?"

It seems like he's thinking hard about something that's always been with him, trying to communicate it.

"I don't mean that it's better this way. It's not," Kirito continues, as if he's trying to convince her of something; the words are pressing, though still soft. "But like you said: once it's happened, we can't go back and change it. So maybe we should take the time to remember the good that's come of it, too. Not just the bad."

The tension of the morning still thrums in her bones, but something about the way he says it makes Asuna's shoulders relax, ever so slightly. Because while she lost everything to Sword Art Online, while their future's uncertain and threatening to crumble... It's true. If this game hadn't happened, then... she wouldn't have met him.

She lets out a quiet sigh.

Kirito blinks. "What?"

"The 'good things that happened in SAO'?" Asuna recounts, squeezing his fingers. It's bittersweet, but in spite of herself, her lips quirk. "If you're trying to be romantic..."

"I-I'm not," the boy mutters, averting his gaze; a slight tint to his cheeks. "I just wanted to... Ugh..."

Asuna shushes him with a finger to his lips. Her smile turns wry. "If you were, it's working."

He sighs, in that irritating I-can't-believe-you-say-these-things way, which only makes Asuna raise a brow.

"I could have been talking about the virtual experience," Kirito says. Of course. "Or the S-class food."

"You could have, yes," Asuna says. "But then I'd have to smack you."

He rolls his eyes. Asuna thinks about actually smacking him, but in a moment of boldness, decides on slinking closer, hand brushing against his chest.

That always got a better reaction, anyway.

As always, Kirito flushes at her closeness. This is still new to them; still uncharted, still thrilling, sending little sparks across Asuna's skin that feel more real than anything she's felt in reality.

She leans with her hands on his shoulders and, for a moment, forgets that they're on the floor of KotBO headquarters, the threat of the 75th floor looming over their heads.

The kiss is brief; just a touch, but she knows her heart's beating faster. A lot of sensations in SAO feel stilted; incomplete, but the dizziness – the heat – even in something so quick... this has to be real. Asuna wonders if that's the system designers or just her heart, and the affection that seems to pour from her chest like physical warmth.

"Asuna, really?" Kirito asks, a little breathless in spite of himself. His eyes flicker around the cool metal surrounding them. "Here?"

In her office? With the rest of Asuna's subordinates outside?

Asuna shifts until she's more on top of him, and though he's giving her that half-admonishing look, Asuna knows he doesn't mind so much as he pretends to. As if displays of affection would kill him.

"My door is closed, Kirito."

Kirito's obviously not convinced. There are listening and spying skills, she knows, but she'd had her office made of the highest-grade materials with that in mind. It's the only part about this place she even appreciates.

Not that Kirito knows. He shakes his head. "You know that doesn't mean much. Not with such elite players in your guild…"

"So?"

She'd never, of course – not where Daizen could see; not even a kiss – but watching her partner shift is adorable. Asuna never pegged him as shy, but he did spend the last two years avoiding people. That should have been a hint.

Kirito's sigh is exasperated. "So—"

"It's just a kiss," she says teasingly; innocently.

The way she's straddling him, arms braced against the wall on either side of his head, suggests otherwise. But they haven't crossed that line yet, and Asuna'd be damned if she has their first time on some steel floor in a place she hates.

It's just before they risk their lives, the voice in the back of her mind reminds her – but Asuna doesn't want it to be desperate, either.

"Right..."

"Look, they won't know," she explains. Then, almost playfully, "And even if they do, they're not stupid enough to say anything."

That wouldn't truly comfort Asuna, but it's true, at least. Though the Commander had the final say in all important matters, like membership and boss raids, quite a few other aspects of the guild are under Asuna's control. Including mission assignments. And Col dividends…

"Sounds like you run a pretty tight ship," is his dry reply, before Kirito blinks beneath her. "Though I guess they probably already think that's what's going on, seeing as you locked the door... and we've been in this office for hours."

He seems to just realize this now. But it was Kirito's idea to wait here, so she doesn't know why he's the one making a stink about it.

"You really are an idiot…" Asuna can't help but make a face at the reminder – because her partner is probably right, dammit. "Just shut up and kiss me, okay?"

Thanks to her STR, holding herself up over him doesn't actually strain her, but the longer she's doing it, Kirito just staring at her – pondering what daring things her colleagues are imagining them doing – the more and more awkward she begins to feel.

Maybe he knew this all along, as he shrugs, obliging. Asuna swears she feels a touch of a smile against her lips.

It's always like this; this back-and-forth, like poking, meaningless exchanges and teasing remarks and soft looks that mean everything – have always meant everything, even when they couldn't recognize it. It pours life into her.

They kiss again, and Asuna doesn't remember who initiated but when they both break for air they're breathing hard. It's something Asuna's never really understood, about VR – this need to breath – but it's the first time she's irritated by it. It must be psychological.

Their foreheads are resting against each other when the bell chimes; a sharp, metallic ring that rips through her ears. It breaks their faces apart with a start, and Asuna nearly slips off him, catching herself against his right shoulder.

It's embarrassing how easy it is to forget; to have everything else fade the background.

"Half an hour left," Kirito echoes, eyes staring past her to the time on the wall. Asuna tenses.

"Yes," she says softly, throat suddenly tight, still holding herself over him. She lets head fall, just brushing the side of his head. Her voice grows quiet. "I... we should go."

Kirito looks pensive, then – "You really won't change your mind?"

Instead of going to the boss fight, could you please stay here?

Asuna shakes her head, and from the look on his face, Kirito knows her answer hasn't changed.

"I love you," is all she can say. "You know that, right?"

It's the response Kirito's expecting but he just wraps his arms around Asuna, her auburn locks falling across his cheeks as she hovers above him. His "I know," is soft, and hesitant.

He doesn't say it back – eyes misty – but he supports her gently under her arms, without asking, their noses touching. It's a small gesture, quietly considerate, but it represents so much of what he does for her that she feels her eyes grow misty herself.

It's easy to forget sometimes, because she's had it for so long, and so unconditionally – in his subtle, quiet way… But Asuna realizes now how much she needs that. His support. How much she's needed it for a long, long time – since he carried her that one day out of that Labyrinth; when he walked out of the first floor boss room, victorious, and her hope for the future fell across his shoulders like the dark black of his coat.

She still doesn't know how he did it; how he does any of it. She doesn't know if she ever will. But she breathes him in, sees the way he looks at her – like he cares so much he'll break – and she knows she needs him. He's her pillar.

Her breath is shaky against his neck. "We should join everyone in the hall soon."

"Yeah." His chest expands in a sigh beneath her, words ghosting over her cheekbones. "We should."

There's no answer, but when Kirito's fingers brush tentatively over her scalp, brushing her hair aside – initiating – Asuna's lips meet his. It's firmer this time; more desperate.

They should join the raid members soon, they know. But not yet.

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A/N: Hello! c: Um, just want to say here that while Asuna is going to be in a grieving, angsty place for most of this story, this doesn't have an awful ending. I don't like throwing my characters in the dark and leaving them there. (Those stories just depress me.) But is an exploration of a dark outcome of the last episode of SAO P1, so it's not pretty.

(Note: this is planned to be around 25-30k. Let's see if I can keep it that way. cx)