HOW TO GET YOUR REVENGE

Prologue

The rubble shifts as its hidden captive fights from below. Eventually, an old lady, or to be more descriptive, an old witch, breaks free from her prison. Her eyes are bloodshot and her white hair is brittle and dry. Her skin would best be described as rotten tissue. In all, she looks like a spitting image of the Queen of Helheim herself.

"I'll learn you!" she screams into the stale air. "I'll learn you, Hiccup Haddock the Third, if its the last thing I do!" Her tirade is broken by a bought of coughing. Blood drips down from her nose.

"Loser! Alvin, you loser!" she shrieks when fit ends. She holds a claw of a hand under her nose. Her son, her Alvin, is dead!

"I'll get you, Haddock boy, just like I got your mother," she vows, spitting on the ground. As she skitters away, she kicks the mountainous carcass of what used to be her son. She doesn't look back or stop to grieve.

And why should she? After all, Alvin did the same thing to her.

It'll Be Fun, They Said

"No." Hiccup Haddock's voice was flat and offered no room for argument, but his best friend Astrid Hofferson wasn't going to drop the matter. She didn't back down from a challenge.

"Why not? We could find a black mask and draw dragon scales on it! BAM!" She slammed her fist against the cafe table, causing everyone in the cafe to jump at the violent sound. "A Night Fury costume! It'll be fun!"

Hiccup frowned. "You think that dressing up as the Night Fury – who, if you haven't forgotten, is actually me in secret – and going to a masquerade party is going to be fun?!"

"Yeah!" Astrid exclaimed enthusiastically. "No one would guess! It would be hilarious!"

She grinned at Hiccup. They were both sitting in a booth, nursing cups of coffee like the addicts they were and evading the cold outside. Recently, Astrid had moved back into her own house since the demise of the criminal organization N.E.S.T., and it was just in time for she had been about to go crazy with her former roommate Ruffnut's antics. Now, she was celebrating her freedom.

Hiccup shifted, swinging his one good leg. He had lost his left knee down after fighting almost to the death with N.E.S.T.'s crime overlord, Alvin the Treacherous.

"It's not exactly hard to hide who I am when I'm practically the only shrimp bone in town with with a missing leg, Astrid! Don't you see a problem here?"

"Yeah. Speaking of which, why hasn't your prosthetic come in yet?" Astrid asked.

Hiccup rolled his eyes. "Oh, you should hear the excuses I get from the manufacturing company. 'The blueprints you gave us are too hard to read, Mr. Haddock. We can't find the metal you requested, Mr. Haddock. The machines need repaired and oiled, Mr. Haddock.' Oh, never mind little ole me! I just love hopping around on one foot! Take your time!"

Astrid laughed, for Hiccup had pulled out his famous mimicking. "Okay, so just come to the party without a costume! Or at least wear a cape and mask. Pretty, please?" She threw on her best puppy eyes. If those didn't work, she could always resort to using threats. Hiccup needed to get out and quit being dependent on people to drag him to social events.

Hiccup sighed. "Fine."

"Yes!" Astrid cheered, happy at her success. She drained the rest of her coffee cup and looked morosely at the sludge at the bottom. She was too lazy to get up and ask the bored barista for a refill. She sighed, but for different reasons than Hiccup had.

"You could just get up," Hiccup told her, understanding her self-made dilemma.

"Eh. It's not worth the energy."

Toothless, Hiccup's Border Collie and temporary service dog, whined, butted his head against Hiccup's good leg, and gave Astrid a pair of the puppy eyes that put hers to shame.

"Dumb dog." Astrid sulked. "Oh, by the way, I've been meaning to ask you something. My house is feeling kinda big, so I was wondering if you knew any girls who might want to room with me. The house is paid for, so rent wouldn't be a problem. And I don't want someone crazy. Someone quiet and pleasant." Hopefully Hiccup's version of "quiet and pleasant" didn't wield an ax.

"Hmm. I know one person I could ask for you. She's actually just been hired to the police force and we used to go to the same highschool."

"Thanks."

Hiccup checked the watch on his wrist. "Well, I've got to get going. My dad and I are having dinner together at some prevalent restaurant." He grabbed his crutches, which were propped up against the cushion of the seat, and eased himself to his feet. He waited a second to make sure he had his balance.

"You're not driving yourself," Astrid told him, getting up as well.

"I can walk to a restaurant perfectly fine on my own," he complained.

"Not with one foot! I'll drive you."

"Who said I couldn't drive with the one I have?"

"Two reasons: One, it's your non-dominant foot. Two, you walked here and I drove here in my car, and I am certainly not letting you touch my baby."

Hiccup snickered. "Your baby? That thing's a heap of junk, Astrid. I don't want to drive that death trap anyway."

Astrid reddened. "Apologize! It's my heap of junk. And that's why I'll be the one driving, thank you very much."

"Fine. Lead the way, my royal chauffeur." Hiccup pointed at the door with his crutch. Astrid, with as much dignity as she could muster, picked up her car keys and opened the cafe's door. She held it for Hiccup and Toothless before following herself.

"Boys before brains," she said, getting her sweet revenge and opening the car door for Hiccup. He grimaced and sunk into the cracked leather seat. Toothless bounded into his lap and pushed his way to the back seat. Slamming his door shut, Astrid made her way over to the driver's seat, cranked the car engine, and backed out of the parking space.

"You know, I need to make up a nickname for you."

Astrid raised an eyebrow. "Really? Why? I thought Astrid was a pretty good name."

"You keep calling me Dragon Boy, that's why! I need something annoying to call you. How about... Naddy?"

Astrid glared at him in the rear view mirror. "Naddy?"

"You live on Nadder Lane, don't you?"

"Keep thinking."

The rest of the ride was spent with Hiccup suggesting ridiculous names and Astrid vetoing all of them. She helped him out of the car when they reached the restaurant.

"Wow," she whistled, gazing up at the electric sign. The place was top of the line and certainly expensive. The shrimp probably cost more than her house.

Hiccup scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah, I know, it's a little overkill. I guess Dad still feels guilty even though I've told him that he's forgiven a thousand times."

"Well, don't keep him waiting." Astrid watched him walk into the eatery before getting back in her car. "And now to find a cape."

…

"I'm probably going to trip over it and make a fool out of myself." Hiccup twirled around in an office chair stolen from Ruffnut's empty desk, yet to be occupied by a new owner. Astrid's second best friend had transferred over to the police force's Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosive Agents to join her twin, Tuffnut. Astrid wasn't sure if she was sad or relieved to see her friend go. The twins had a habit of blowing things up every other week.

"You will," Snotlout, his cousin, unhelpfully agreed.

"You won't," Astrid assured Hiccup and glared at Snotlout, who was dressed in a Spanish bull fighting costume. They were carpooling to the masquerade party together, using the office as a pit stop. People around them were packing up for the weekend and calling their well-weekend wishes to each other.

"That's easy for you to say. You're going as a Valkyrie! I'm going as a dumb guy in a cape," Hiccup whined.

Astrid shifted in her plastic armor, trying to get a shoulder strap at the right length. "You're the one who didn't want to dress up," she reminded him. "And here's a mask. It's better than the one you had as the Night Fury."

Hiccup sighed glumly and slid the black party mask over his head. "Might as well get this over with."

Ruffnut was hosting the party at her house. When the trio arrived, the street and driveway were crammed with cars in as much the same condition as Astrid's. The lights and laughter were streaming from the house. Astrid hoped Ruffnut had remembered to clean up. The last time Astrid had been in her place, the couch had needed to be burned and Disney movies took up fifty percent of the room.

"Hola, mi amigos! Welcome to my abode!" Ruffnut greeted them at the door, decked out in full Viking war paint and a horned helmet. Her voice gave away her identity. "Like my outfit?" She stepped aside so they could enter and shut the door behind them. Astrid took their coats and hung them up on the crowded peg by the door. She cautiously peered into the living room.

Oh, good, Astrid thought. Ruffnut had cleaned up. She had reduced the amount of movies in the room, rearranged the furniture, and vacuumed the carpet.

"...technically," Hiccup was saying, "the historic Scandinavians didn't wear horned helmets, nor did the Vikings."

"How's that even relevant? There's no difference," Snotlout droned.

"The Vikings were the ones who actually went out and raided," Hiccup explained.

"Nerd." Snotlout rolled his eyes at him, but the comment was without the usual bite.

"So how are you and Tuffnut doing in your new department?" Astrid asked Ruffnut.

"Oh, it's just wonderful!" Ruffnut gushed, jubilant. "We can blow things up and no one complains! Do you guys want any drinks?" There was a punch bowl and several bags of chips on Ruffnut's kitchen bar. People in costumes were milling about the living room and kitchen, talking and laughing.

Hiccup scrapped the bottom of his crutch against the floor and bit the inside of his cheek. "Uh, I don't drink."

Snotlout snickered.

"Don't worry," Astrid broke in. "It's non-alcoholic. None of us around here think getting drunk is cool. It's just plain stupid and a waste of brain cells."

Hiccup looked relieved. "Okay, then. Fill 'er up."

Ruffnut waltzed over to the counter, Hiccup, Snotlout, and Astrid following at a much slower pace. Ruffnut grabbed a plastic cup and wrote HICCUP H. HADDOCK in big letters on it with a permanent marker.

"What's your middle name?" Astrid asked curiously as Hiccup took a sip. "And how did Ruffnut find out about it?"

He grimaced. "Oh, you don't want to know. It's Horrendous."

Snotlout laughed as if Hiccup had said the funniest thing in the world. "Ruffnut probably swiped some files and read it off them or something."

Well, if Hiccup didn't want to tell her his middle name, she wasn't going to press him. "Want to meet everyone else, Hiccup?" Astrid asked. "I think Fishlegs is here."

"Sure." Hiccup set his half-drunk cup on the counter. It was easy to find Fishlegs, who was dressed in a Batman costume. Even by Vikings standards, he was bigger than average.

"Hello!" Fishlegs greeted them. "I'm glad to see you're up and about! I've got to tell you, busting you out of jail was-" Astrid elbowed him hard in the ribs. So far, Chief of Police Stoick, Hiccup's dad, had managed to keep their little jail break a secret from those higher up. Astrid wasn't going to let that streak end tonight.

Everyone in the group shook hands.

"We were talking about our favorite high school memories," a girl standing by Fishlegs and dressed in a Roman toga informed them. "What school did you graduate from, Cape Man?"

Hiccup muttered something about stupid nicknames under his breath. "Berk High School."

She appraised him dubiously. "Berk High? I don't remember you at all."

Hiccup sighed. "That's because I graduated when I was fifteen."

"That's awesome!" Fishlegs gushed. "I wanted to graduate early, but the stress was just too much. I think Astrid graduated early, didn't you?"

"Yep, one year. Loved police detective training after that."

"How exciting! I've heard that you actually get tased in police training," the unnamed girl broke in.

"Yeah." Astrid almost shuddered. "They tase you so you get a significant taste of what it's like. That way you'll think twice before doing it to someone else." Snotlout had disappeared. Astrid caught sight of him talking with a girl in an English Queen costume.

"What's it feel like?" the toga girl asked.

"It felt like a cold wave went through my body, followed by numbness."

Fishlegs and Hiccup nodded in agreement. Astrid couldn't remember if Snotlout had actually completed the course, but before she could ask, a choking sound filled the air.

A girl by the kitchen bar was leaning over and gasping for air, her own hands around her throat. "Can't...breathe..." she wheezed. Her face was slowly turning a shade of blue-green.

While the rest of the room stood there in shock, Astrid raced over. She wrapped her arms around the girl's stomach and did the Heimlich maneuver. Half a minute later, punch spilled out onto the kitchen floor as the girl threw up.

"Someone call nine-one-one!" Astrid yelled. Another competent person rushed to do her bidding. The girl continued to throw up until the paramedics arrived and rushed her into the ambulance.

Hiccup carefully bent down and picked up the cup the girl had dropped. Most of the punch had spilled out, but there was still a fair amount in the bottom.

"Poison," Hiccup announced, sniffing it. "Someone deliberately put poison in the cup."

"Why would someone want to poison Shelley?" someone asked. "She doesn't have any enemies."

"Maybe not Shelley," Astrid said, grabbing the cup and turning it clockwise, "but maybe Hiccup."

Written in bold letters across the plastic cup were the words "HICCUP H. HADDOCK".

A/N: Why, you may ask, am I posting another chapter fic when I put my ghost story on a temporary half hiatus? Because this is a six month old prewritten piece of junk. I was so embarrassed at the quality of writing when my mother and I went through it together. The ending was horrible. So bear with me while I edit it. I don't have much time, too, however. I don't even want to see what the story before it was like.

Oh, yes. This is a sequel to How to Find Your Dragon. Go read that and grimace at the atrocity if you haven't. I promise the next chapter will be somewhat better. If not, well, there's always ctrl w! How to Get Your Revenge will be about twice as long. I can't believe how short How to Find Your Dragon is. It's awful. Adios, mi amigos, hasta hora sigeuiente.

Rider