Written for the Mass Effect Writer Circle Gift Exchange of 2017 for Lía.

Thanks to vorchagirl for beta reading.

It has been a surprise that the lush planet the Normandy had crashed on, was actually not that far away from Earth. Granted, before FTL-drives, before the technology from the Mars archives, it still would have been impossible to reach it in several lifetimes. But in truth it has only been remote and undiscovered because it is hidden from the Relay behind an ionized particle cloud. Earth's remote little corner of the galaxy is, afterall, still mostly undiscovered space.

Tali, Kaidan, EDI's backup version, and the rest of the crew have been working around the clock for three days to seal off the damaged areas of the Normandy and reactivate the FTL-drive. And now, finally, the Normandy is limping towards Earth and whatever is left of the Citadel.

While the rest of the crew damn near fell into a coma from exhaustion, Kaidan sits in the mess hall, holding on to his cup of coffee. Around him, people sleep on mats and cots; the mess hall, cockpit and the medbay are the only areas with reliable atmospheric pressure. Even Joker has curled down on a cot, trusting EDI in her software version to steer the ship.

Kaidan stares at the coffee cup and sighs. He should be sleeping too. A cot is waiting for him, not a step away, and he is exhausted, just like everyone else. But all he can do is stare at this coffee cup. Her coffee cup. The one he gave to her when he joined her again on the Normandy.

It had been a silly present. With the war going on, the Citadel shops were not exactly overflowing with romantic gifts. This cup bore the image of the lower part of a woman's leg in red high heels, with a gun strapped to her ankle. The gun is partly hidden by her red dress and there is an inscription that reads "Always be prepared.".

Not the most romantic gift, but the image reminded him of Siobahn and her joy of beautiful dresses, high heels and how she always managed to have a gun hidden somewhere.

The coffee in the cup is still warm but he isn't drinking it. He just likes having this cup warm in his hands. It's almost like holding her hands. The last time he has held her hands, they had both been wearing armor, their hands covered in protective fabric and ceramics. It hadn't been far off from the porcelain in his hands now.

His thoughts are winding into his usual spiral of regret again. So much he should have told her, so much he had wanted to tell her but in the end, all they had was a short "I love you", said while the world threatened to explode around them. Why had he waited so long? Why had he not said what he felt before?

"Kaidan." Liara puts her hand on his shoulder and pulls him back from the darkness of his own mind.

"I'm fine," he says with a weary smile.

"I didn't even ask," she says with the same kind of smile. She sits down next to him and looks at his cup of coffee. "You should skip that terrible coffee and catch some sleep."

"I don't think I can sleep."

Liara gently pries the cup from his hands and carries it over to the sink to drain the coffee. His hands feel empty and he laces his fingers together. It doesn't help.

Liara turns to him and gives him her Shadow Broker look, the one where she raises her painted eyebrows and her mouth turns into a hard line. "Major Alenko, you are the commanding officer on the Normandy. We need you healthy and well rested for our current mission."

"Joker and EDI can find the way to the Citadel on their own, they don't need me for that." There is no room in his mind for flight plans and astral navigation.

"I'm sure Joker will be glad to hear that," Liara says dryly. "But we still don't know the state of the war, we don't know what to expect once we are back in communication range."

"Understood." She is right, he knows that and there is really no point in arguing with her about it.

Liara puts her hand on his interlaced fists and looks him in the eyes. "I know you worry about her. I worry too."

He looks up, breathing against the pain in his chest. "Am I fool for hoping?"

Liara shakes her head. "No. Hope is all we have."

She turns away and Kaidan finally gives in and settles down on the cot.

It takes them four days to reach the Sol-system. By the time Joker calls them to the cockpit, they can see the sun and even make out some planets rotating around it. Even with the FTL- drive rattling the Normandy, it still takes them another day to get close to the Sol-Relay.

The cockpit is eerily quiet when they fly past the dead relay, hanging in space like a dark corpse.

Kaidan breaks the silence. "Do you get anything?"

Joker's fingers fly over the translucent displays, occasionally grumbling to himself because not all of them work right. "Our comm systems are not the most reliable but I get nothing. Whatever happened with the Crucible, it fried all the comm buoys."

Kaidan notices very much how Joker avoids mentioning Shepard and her fate on the Crucible. "Keep hailing, we've got to get someone eventually."

"At least the reapers are definitely dead."

By now they can make out the massive bodies of reapers, floating like lumps of coal in the space between Earth and the Citadel. Whatever is left of it.

The Citadel is still connected to the Crucible, edges frayed like a broken eggshell from a massive explosion. Kaidan stays in the cockpit all day and his heart sinks further the closer they get. If Shepard had been there, at the center of the Citadel, where the Crucible connected with the central ring of the Citadel — she couldn't have survived.

He knows it, rationally, he has been telling himself that Siobahn gave her life for the victory over the reapers, to break the cycle of destruction. But in his heart, he can't give up hope. In his heart he still believes, against his better judgement, against what his eyes try to tell him, that she is still there. That he can hold her hands again soon.

"We're being hailed," Joker says. They are now right next to the frayed arms of the Citadel. A few shuttles and fighters have aligned themselves with the Normandy but apart from that, the only movement they can see around them is that of debris.

"Let's see who it is," Kaidan says.

Joker nods, wipes over the interface, swears and repeats his input two more times until the system finally reacts. "This is the SSV Normandy of the Alliance under the command of Major Alenko."

A familiar voice, tired but with unrestrained happiness, booms through the cockpit, "This is Admiral Hackett. Boy, are we all happy to hear from you."

Kadain catches himself standing straighter, even though the admiral can't even see them. "Admiral, it's good to hear you too. We've been thrown slightly off track the last few days, could you give us a short sitrep?"

A chuckle crackles through the static of the audio connection. "I'm fairly certain that's quite below my pay grade but just this once: The reapers have been defeated, their forces have stopped functioning after the blast from the Crucible, the husks and various reaperfied creatures died too and all our computer systems did a hard reset. We're still counting our losses but all in all, we're still here, the galaxy will survive."

There is a pause that Kaidan doesn't dare to fill with a question and the admiral spares him having to do so.

"Commander Shepard is MIA," Hackett says, his voice dropping down low.

"I have to look for her." The thought has not even quite formed in his mind when he already blurts it out.

"We've already been sending out search parties." Even without seeing him, the empathy in Hackett's voice is obvious.

"I have to." He has never been so sure of anything in his life.

I'm coming for you, Siobahn.

"Major, we need you here, we need the Normandy, we need your crew. We may have won the war but now we — "

"Sorry Sir, the connection seems to be breaking up," Kaidan interrupts and signals to Joker to cut the connection. "We'll report back when — "

"Connection down," Joker says. "So we're back at hanging up on people?" He turns around with a wide grin. "I like it, just like old times. Never would have thought you had it in you, Alenko."

"Get me to the Citadel, where the Crucible is," Kadain says.

"Already on it. I'll park us right at the tower. There won't be a docking ramp though."

"I'll space walk."

While Joker maneuvers the Normandy to the back of the half eggshell of the Crucible, Kaidan puts on his armor and checks the seals for a trip through open space. From the corner of his eyes he sees Tali and Garrus come to him in full armor as well.

"I'm going alone."

"No, you're not." Tali's voice is firm and she somehow manages to give him a terrifying stare, even though he can't see her eyes through the mask. "I built us some transport." She holds up a backpack with something attached to it that looks like a geth jetpack.

"Where did you get those parts?"

Tali shrugs. "Found them, here and there. One thing you learn on the migrant fleet is to never throw anything away that could be used elsewhere."

Garrus trills a chuckle. "She has a whole storage unit in the cargo hold with her collection."

"How do you think I was able to fix the drive-core in such a short time without a shipyard?"

Kaidan rubs his neck and notices a strange buzzing in his implant. "What else do you have there, my implant is acting up?"

Tali pulls a small vial from her pocket and holds it up. "Eezo, about three grams."

"Three grams? Where did you find so much processed eezo?" Kaidan feels the hairs around his implant stand up.

"Like I said, quarians don't throw anything away. Things add up."

Garrus puts on his helmet, sealing his armor and steps into the airlock. Tali follows him and they both turn around and look at him expectantly. Kaidan sighs and seals his helmet on. Joker announces their position and cycles the airlock.

Kaidan tests the comm system between their armor. "Tali, what do you need the eezo for?"

"Our scans show that the mass effect fields, that keep the atmosphere contained, are fluctuating. And we know that the main environmental generators were close to the Citadel tower so we should be able to find it and stabilize the fields with a bit of extra eezo."

"Good thinking," Kaidan says, feeling mortified how he had not spared a single thought towards the Citadel and all the people on there. All he thinks about is Shepard.

Siobahn, I'll find you.

The airlock beeps and the door to the outside opens. Tali has put on the backpack with the jetpack and Garrus and Kaidan hold on to her as she pulls them out of the Normandy's gravity. Their trajectory takes them to a section that looks like it has been ripped open by a giant claw. They float through the gap and sink to the floor.

"Atmosphere seems to be stable." Garrus rocks on his feet. "But gravity is low."

"That may be a good thing," Tali says. "If someone is trapped under debris..."

Kaidan shudders at the thought. "Better keep it that way when you fix the mass effect fields."

"I will."

Garrus stops at an intersection. "I hardly recognize this area, it's like it has been twisted in on itself." He takes a few steps over a part where the ceiling has caved in and looks up. With a push from his knees, he jumps up, using the low gravity to his advantage and flies up to the hole in the ceiling. "Here it is," he calls down. "One of the generators sits right here."

"I'm coming up," Tali says and floats elegantly upwards and through the hole.

Kaidan takes a look around to orient himself and marks on his map the central point where the Citadel and the Crucible are connected. That's where he's going to start, working his way outwards, looking for her. He opens the comm, "You guys stay here and fix the mass effect fields, I'm going to start searching."

"Negative," Garrus says and comes down from the upper level again, floating down like a majestic angel in turian armor. "Tali can do that on her own and you're not going into that unstable section alone."

"I'll be fine."

"What if you need help lifting something? Even with gravity this low — "

"You're right, sorry."

Garrus steps up to him and puts his hand on his shoulder. "I know you don't want anybody to see how much it hurts, but we're friends, Kaidan, and I'm not letting you do this alone."

Kaidan swallows against the tears that threaten to fall and smiles at Garrus. "Thanks. I'm an idiot."

"Hardly."

They start their way towards the center of the Citadel's ring. The Citadel tower is mostly gone. Whole sections of the tower seem to have crashed into the ring and cut giant gaps into it.

"This section must have gotten evacuated on time," Garrus says. "No bodies as far as I can see."

They keep climbing over the debris. It looks like a new landscape, only the colors indicate that this used to be a part of the central hub. Occasionally they come across a keeper, working at some console or pushing debris into a pile.

When they reach the part of the Crucible still connected to the Citadel, they start taking advantage of the low gravity and push themselves off beams and blocks to float. It's tempting to look away from the destruction but Kaidan forces himself to look down and search for... something, anything unusual.

Give me a sign, Siobahn.

They come to a halt on a ledge at a solid wall that stretches up and out as far as they can see.

"This must be the central core of the Crucible," Garrus says. "I'm going to check for openings or weak sections."

Kaidan bumps his hand against his armored neck as he tries to rub it in an involuntary reaction to a strange buzzing in his implant. He checks his omni-tool. "Do you get any energy readings?"

"Nothing unusual. The mass effect fields seem to get more stable." Garrus looks to him. "Why do you ask?"

"This whole section seems to hum with a strange energy. I can't describe it but it feels different." It's not quite like Tali's eezo but something makes his biotics prickle on his skin. It almost feels like something touching him. He tries to feel it, reaches out with his biotics but it's fleeting, fluttering away.

"There's an opening a bit to the left of us," Garrus says. "Whoah, what's wrong?"

Kaidan shakes his head to clear his thoughts. "What?"

"You fired up your biotics and it looks... not like it usually looks."

Kaidan looks down on himself. The usual blue glow of his biotics is so bright, that it seems almost white. It reminds him of something that he can't quite put his finger on.

He forms a biotic ball on top of his finger and looks at it closely. The inner core has his familiar blue but the outer edges fizzle with a white edge of something else. "It must be a reaction to that energy I'm sensing."

Garrus frantically types on his omni-tool. "Nothing I can get a reading of though. I don't like this."

"Let's check that opening you found, I want to get inside." He brachiates along the structure up and to the left towards the opening Garrus has marked on his map.

The gap in the outer wall looks like it used to be an actual door and inside they can make out an unfamiliar walkway. The walls are glowing red and a sheen of rust falls off them with every vibration from their steps.

"This is the Crucible itself," Garrus says. "All the resources we poured into this and now it looks like it's already centuries old."

Kaidan chooses his steps carefully, avoiding the debris on the ground. "But it looks surprisingly good, you know, considering that the whole thing exploded."

"I agree but why to you keep going in that direction?"

Kaidan turns back to Garrus. "What do you mean?"

"The center is over there, where the obvious wide path leads to but you took a turn down here, where it's darker, narrower and more broken."

Kaidan looks around. He hasn't even noticed that he has come off the main path. This section is not a walkway, more an arbitrary tunnel, formed by falling beams wedged into each other. "I don't know how... I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You're distracted, I understand," Garrus says with a warm hum in his voice. "But we should at least check out that central section and then continue from there."

"Lead the way," Kaidan says with a wave of his hand. He has to admit to himself that he's not acting like his usual self. The energetic hum under his skin has gotten stronger and it distracts him.

Garrus leads them out of the destructed area and after crawling through under a fallen beam, they find themselves on a platform with a viewport out to open space. There is a mass effect field flickering over the opening, a desperate attempt by the Citadel's emergency systems to seal up that breach to open space.

Garrus speaks into the comm, "Tali? We have reached the center, this is an open breach and the mass effect fields don't look too good here."

"Understood," Tali says. "I'm rerouting some energy to strengthen those fields. But you shouldn't linger, I'm reading structural damage all over that section and the mass effect could have a kneading effect on it, making it more unstable."

"We'll hurry."

Kaidan takes a careful step forward, rusty dust floating up wherever he steps, around a charred block and stops dead in his steps. A body lies on the floor at the edge of the platform and another sits on the floor, leaning against a step.

"Is that...?" Garrus asks.

"Not Shepard." Kaidan steps towards the body sitting and sighs when he recognizes him. "This is Anderson, he's dead."

"This is the Illusive Man, dead too, he's been shot." Garrus hisses a disgusted tone at the corpse and comes over to Kaidan. "I'm sorry about Anderson, he was a good man."

"One of the best, for sure." Kaidan sighs but he can't spare much time for Anderson, he has to find Shepard. Over to his left is a gaping hole, a walkway dangling out into the emptiness. He walks slowly towards the edge, listening to the material sigh and crack under his weight.

I'm coming, Siobahn.

"I've marked Anderson's location on the map and — hold it, Kaidan, stop!" Garrus calls out.

Kaidan looks down to his feet. He's standing at the edge of the walkway, the tips of his shoes reaching over the breaking edge. Rust floats down. Electricity sparks white and blue across the cavern. His implant is buzzing and his biotics prickle and dance over his skin.

"I know she's here somewhere," he says quietly, staring into the dark cavern of what is left of the Crucible. Piles of debris are stuck next to a hole to outer space and some even float in a pocket of unreliable gravity. The mass effect fields flicker over the hole.

"I understand, Kaidan," Garrus says, "and if she's here, we'll find her but not from up there and you can't jump down through the electric arcs. Get back here, that walkway might break off any moment."

Only now he registers the groaning noise of the material under his feet. "Shit." He hurries back to Garrus onto the safe platform.

"I had no intention — "

"I know." Garrus gives him a nod and ushers him back the way they came. "I think to get down there, we have to go through the section where you veered off before."

The closer they come to that dark, claustrophobic section, the more his biotics sing under his skin. They pull him forward and he runs, crawls and jumps through the darkness without care for his or Garrus' safety. Garrus calls after him but it's just a noise in the back of his mind, drowned out by the song of his biotics.

Siobahn, I know it's you. I find you.

He climbs and slides over jagged edges of rubble, bent support beams and debris on a path that he can only feel. His mind knows where to go, his body hums and his biotics light up his path in the color of Siobahn's eyes.

This has never happened before, not with his strict control over his biotics but now he lets them flow freely, a light to guide him with.

The destruction is immense and the charred rubble seems to be packed denser in this section. His biotics sing and as he brazes his hands against a piece of debris, tendrils of his biotics flare out over it.

I know you're here.

He turns his head and something catches his eyes. There is a blue glow in the cracks and gaps between the rubble. It's weak but it's definitely there and when he turns to it, his biotics surge towards it.

"Siobahn? Are you here?"

It's her. It has to be her.

He scrambles towards the glow, tearing at a twisted beam blocking his path. It screeches in protest but finally moves to the side and he can peer in. It's a bubble of biotics, a static barrier that keeps the pile of rubble from caving in. It's bright, almost white and it hums against his own biotics like Siobahn's touch.

The brightness is blinding and at first he can't make out anything inside the barrier. But then he sees it. A shape at the bottom, charred and rusty like every other surface.

"Sio! I see you!" He gathers his biotics and pushes at the rubble on top, moving it to the side. Some pieces that were wedged in before now slide off the bubble and Kaidan's path is clear. He hits the comm, "Garrus, I found her, I need an atmospheric transport suit and emergency pick up."

"Spirits, is she alive?"

"She has kept up a biotic barrier all this time."

"Spirits."

There is a rapid exchange over the comm system about his current position but Kaidan tunes it out and approaches the barrier. It crackles over his skin but he can pass through it. The body is hardly recognizable but he knows, he can feel that it's her. Her biotics are so familiar, they brush against his like a caress.

He kneels down besides the body. "Siobahn, can you hear me?" There is a flicker in the biotic barrier. "Siobahn, I'm here, I got you, you can drop the barrier now." He looks over her burned armor, up to her neck and her head. Her helmet is missing, a burn mark stretches over the side of her face and burned off her hair but compared to the charred remains of her armor, her face looks not too injured.

Kaidan slips his hand under her neck, but he doesn't dare to move her. She could have internal injuries and he's especially worried about her neck. He isn't sure if she can hear him but he keeps talking to her. "I got you now, I'm here. Siobahn, I found you, you can drop the barrier now."

Finally, the biotic bubble around them flickers and drops, and he extends his own barrier against any falling debris. He lowers it as Garrus comes crawling to them. "Joker is coming to this hole here, Chakwas will bring a transport suit. We'll get her out."

Kaidan leans down to her face. "I found you, we'll get you out, love," he whispers into her ear.

She takes a breath, deeper than any before, startling him as he stares down at her. Her mouth moves, her lips trying to form words.

"Don't try to speak, Sio, we're here, we're getting you out."

But she still forms words and Kaidan holds his ear to her lips to catch what she saying.

"Kaidan," she croaks.

"Shh, I'm here, we're getting you out, you'll be fine."

"Kaidan," she whispers again. Her lips keep moving and Kaidan can read what she wants to say.

"I love you too, Siobahn, I love you so much."

A hint of a smile appears on her shattered face.

Kaidan places a kiss on a part of her face that doesn't look burned.

"I love you. You're safe now. You got us time and I'm gonna love you for the rest of it."

I wrote this in three days, like a madwoman.